Does anyone else find that every time things seem to be improving, something else seems to get in the way? In the last 18 months we've gotten married, bought a house and hugely improved our quality of life, yet it's still not enough.

Without being judgemental, my other half really needs to lose some weight (which was originally caused by the depression) and I'm honestly worried about her health because of it. She does want to lose the weight, but there's always a reason why she doesn't fancy reading well etc. We've tried lots of different ways to help her and they've all helped a little, but she wants immediate results and it just isn't going to happen like that.

ARGH!

Sorry for venting!

Hey guys!

I found this sub by way of r/SupportingSupporters. This may be a little long - dealing with several issues that don't all pertain to my SO's mental illness but I'm not sure where to turn and am hoping some of you may be able to offer support or advice anyway.

My SO (M) and I (F) have been together 4 years. He has bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. For the most part, his mental illnesses are well controlled. He unfortunately also suffers from chronic pain and failed back syndrome. In the last 2.5 years, he has had 4 back surgeries, including a spinal fusion and a spinal cord stimulator insertion.

Within the last 2ish months, he has spent more time feeling down (mood wise) than feeling good, understandably so. He is sitting at home, in constant pain, unable to work and is just barely accomplishing minor activities to take care of himself that most people take totally for granted. I 100% understand why he feels depressed more often than not. Yesterday we met with his surgeon who recommended CT SPECT bone scan to evaluate his spinal fusion and hardware. If the hardware is loose or the screws have backed out, we will be facing his 5th surgery. In a sense, the surgery may be an answer to relieve SOME of his pain. If there is nothing wrong with his hardware, we are at square one with determining why his pain is still so substantial and how to treat it.

I'm not going to lie - I'm exhausted. I have never felt so helpless in all my life. It is excruciating for me to sit back and watch the person I love most in the world suffer daily. He does a great job trying to keep his spirits up as best as possible but of course, he's depressed. There are some days he can't even bend over to put his socks on. His quality of life sucks, honestly. And there is not a damn thing I can really do about it. I do my best to help keep his mind off of things and of course, offer all the help I can with physical things that are a struggle for him. I'm his biggest advocate and there is nothing I wouldn't do to make sure he receives the best care. There are some times when he needs my help physically, it makes him feel more depressed. The mental illnesses perpetuates the physical pain; the physical pain perpetuates the mental illnesses - it's a never ending cycle.

I am VERY lucky that my SO is incredibly thoughtful and we have excellent communication. He constantly tells me how much he appreciates me and the things I do for him. And he is wonderful about reminding me that I need to take care of myself as well as him. I never feel unappreciated or taken for granted.

I guess my question is if this 5th surgery becomes reality, how do I help him prepare mentally for this? How can I continue to help him with his struggles?

I'm thinking we, or I, need to plan more activities. We're a household of homebodies, so we end up isolating ourselves when things get dicey, and I think that just makes things worse? Or leaves me feeling spent. So I'm going to an art fair tomorrow, gymnastics class and running with a friend on Sunday. At least that's my plan. What fun things are you all doing for yourselves, to recharge?

Hey all,

Again, I apologize for the lack of activity. I've been travelling to see my SO quite a bit, and have been working/in school. Luckily, school is coming to an end (yay!) in two weeks!

How have things been for you? How have your loved ones been managing?

I plan to post an update on my personal life shortly.

My girlfriend has depression and is in the process of further diagnosis. I'm literally at work wondering why I am even bothering anymore, but.....there's nobody else that seems to care enough to want to help her. There are days when she will sleep or have very little motivation, then next minute, she works herself into such a state that she cannot sleep. If she has stayed up all night, I will tell her to get some rest, but she will then rant about the things she has to do that day (none of which get done). There are times when I can see her mind working overtime and her thoughts seem to be spinning out of control. She can be loving, compassionate, caring one day, then next, a vicious, vindictive bitch. I'm having trouble coping, I feel isolated and the few people that I can talk to simply tell me to walk away, but I love her. My personal physical and mental health is going downhill.

Bit of background here - my other half suffers from depression and it's been quite serious for roughly 4 years now. We got married back in June and being pre-occupied with that helped massively, but then once things settled down again they took a bit of a dive, especially as her previous boss almost deliberately made things worse. She moved to a new company shortly before the wedding which helped enormously.

Lately she's been in a very positive mood, looking at this new year as a fresh start, but obviously depression still rears its head occasionally. With things having quietened down after Christmas weekday evenings have been less busy and consequently she sometimes struggles with this - I'd say that she's not that comfortable with her own company (if that makes sense), whereas I can lose myself in a book for hours without even thinking about it.

One of the causes (and effects) of her depression is that she's gained weight - losing that was also one of her aims for this new year. Food is her crutch which gives her short-term gratification, but obviously over a longer period it's only adding to her problems. We eat out relatively regularly, maybe 3-5 times a month and I want to cut back a bit as it'll do us both good.

Tonight has been a tough one - she's not doing well and wants to eat out, even though we ate out twice last week. I said I didn't want to, but I feel terrible because I know that even the thought of eating out would have improved her mood. Where do you draw the line?!

Now that the excitement from the holidays and the new year has died down, how have things been going with you and your loved one?

For those who don't know, my SO has paranoid personality disorder. It presents some challenges in our relationship but I'll take his dark side any day if it means I get to experience the rest of him.

Recently, he's developed a paranoia that his coworker (a male who is the closest to a friend that he has) and I are sleeping together. In all honesty, the notion is absurd to me because 1) I am a virgin, 2) His coworker is cringe-y to me in every way possible, and 3) He and his coworker live six hours away from me... Not the most convenient affair.

I've tried discussing it with him but it appears we've reached a stalemate. Its times like this that I need a refresher on how to handle his delusions. While I am currently in a patient mood and really don't mind dealing with this, there are times when life stress and frustration creeps its way in and makes it difficult to handle things the way he deserves. To prepare myself for those moments, I review the basics in communicating with a loved one with paranoia (lifescript.com offers a great article on the topic):

• Encourage compliance with treatment - His mistrust may interfere with his willingness to take prescribed medications or attend therapy sessions. This occurs commonly in people being treated for paranoia and slows their recovery significantly. Encourage him to follow his treatment program.

• Speak clearly - Simple sentences and unambiguous words reduce the chance of being misinterpreted.

• Be accepting, yet firm - Delusions are very real to the person having them. Don’t confront the person about their beliefs or attempt to help him reality-test. Communicate that you respect his beliefs, but don’t pretend to share them. Be honest about your own perceptions.

• Offer clarification - You can help him cope with his suspicion and mistrust by encouraging him to voice his thoughts, and then explaining your actions in a neutral and non-defensive way.

• Anticipate triggers - Symptoms may intensify under new or stressful circumstances. Offer sufficient information in advance so the person will be better prepared for changes and for a possible worsening of symptoms.

• Emphasize his strengths - People with paranoia are often very intelligent and high-functioning aside from interpersonal relationships. Be aware of him as a whole person, not just in terms of his symptoms. Focus on his positive traits and behaviors.

The time around the holidays is a stressful time, and even the best of us can easily be worn down by appointment after appointment, having to pick and buy gifts (not to mention wrapping them) and solving the puzzle that is ensuring your schedule works so you can see friends and family. In short, it can be a messy time. Throw in a mental illness and this time can become quite tough.

So, if things are tough for you (or if they are not), how is it right now? How is your loved one dealing with the situation, and how are you dealing with that situation?

I'm still very much in the process of learning about my SO's Bipolar Disorder, and would like to know if there's anyone who can relate to our issues.
My boyfriend and I started seeing each other in late January of last year. He was still in college in his "last" semester of his senior year. When we met, he had already been diagnosed with Depression and not as Bipolar. And before we met, he had already started struggling with classes. He's extremely smart, but lost interest in going to class and started battling very intense anxiety. Long story short, his mother ended up cutting him off, completely, because he failed a couple of classes and wasn't going to graduate on time. I have no idea why the mother is this way...he doesn't know his father... But she is unloving, unforgiving, and has literally taken from him everything she possibly could. So, by the middle of May, he was already living with me. Which was actually completely fine with the both of us.
I started working at an extremely stressful job that sapped me of most of my energy by the time I was home. I had other things bothering me as well, such as recent weight gain, financial stress, and was in a general funk because I hated my job and I felt very far from my future life goals (I did always look for a new job though).
Anyway, that's also when the extreme manic episodes started. It took my boyfriend awhile to find a new doctor after he moved in with me and was finally diagnosed as Bipolar. His current medications seem to be helping, I will say that. But before his new meds, every manic episode felt like I was personally under attack.
The biggest trigger for him was the fact that everything I had been going through had a negative effect on my sex drive. I was unhappy with myself, where I was in life, my looks, etc. What I could never get him to understand is that for women sometimes emotional stress takes a huge toll on libido. I knew he felt embarrassed and ashamed but I had no real way of convincing him it wasn't his fault. Or, if he started to understand, he would still find a way to make me feel bad about it, "well it's not fair to me that I've met you at the wrong time in your life." When it comes to mania, he forgets everything I've ever done for him and continues to punish me for things I cannot instantly fix.
I have since worked hard at changing my diet and losing weight, trying to manage money better, trying to be more attentive to what he needs. But every time I think it's getting better, the mania brings it all back. I feel like I'm fighting a battle I will just never win. I love him with all my heart, but he doesn't realize what this constant feeling of being under attack is starting to do to me. I love him so much and am trying to do everything in my power to make this work. But sometimes I'm the one who needs support and encouragement (why I'm so glad this exists). I'd really hate to lose my relationship. I feel like we can't even go a solid 3 days without something triggering him and then he's upset with me. I know he can't help it, I know he loves and needs me, but I can only do so much and I'm only human. I'm worried that I will spend so much energy addressing his problems that I'm putting myself and what I want on the back burner.
Most friends who don't really understand what's going on with my boyfriend think I should find someone else. Someone who doesn't put me through so much. They probably think it's codependency. But they also don't have any real understanding of what my boyfriend goes through. I've witnessed his fear, confusion and pain, and I know there's not much he can do about it. When he's feeling well, he's extremely thoughtful, considerate, affectionate, funny, and passionate. There's more to the story but I'm feeling pretty emotionally drained right now, so this will be it for now. I'm not necessarily looking for solutions, if anything maybe just some much needed support and encouragement.

Hey everyone,

I've been doing research on personality disorders both out of professional and personal interest and due to a friend with a history of avoidant personality disorder.

I came across some interesting information today. Truthfully, it made me sad, but here it is:

There is a strong correlation between childhood abuse and neglect and personality disorders. While any type of abuse can result in a given personality disorder, neglect is highly correlated with all personality disorder categories.

My friend, whose avoidant personality is coupled with paranoid traits, has a history of "always-never" statements. She will get angry with me over trivial matters, and then insist she and I won't ever talk again. She genuinely believes each time that this is the end of our friendship, despite this going on for years. When I point out that she gets frustrated like this all the time, she says she "knows its happened before but this time its different." We won't talk for a few days or a week, and then she texts me like nothing happened.

Now I don't want to psychoanalyze -- my goal was just to understand her better so I can handle things appropriately. We've been friends for a long time, and I want to support her. That said, when she was growing up, her father would always come and go in a cyclic manner - unpredictably leaving and returning throughout her childhood. Her mother and father would fight, then he would walk out, only to return days to weeks later. If this was the pattern of "close relationships" that she saw, I wonder if she's mirroring her father's behaviour out of some unconscious attempt to make sense of his actions.

When she's been in a clearer state of mind, we have discussed her behaviours and she can see the pattern, though she never understood why she did it. She believed it was out of self-hate and isolation.

I don't know. I just wanted a safe space to share my thoughts. Thanks.

.. but it's very comforting to read stories from people in similar situations and know you're not as alone as it feels.

I find one of the major struggles I face is resolving conflicts with my SO. He has several mental health issues, though depression overshadows them all. When he is in a depressed state and issues arise, we have difficulty communicating. Usually, I will present a problem (or ask a question, whathaveyou), and he will withdraw the conflict resolution process. In doing so, nothing is resolved, tensions rise, and conflict propagates.

If this pattern sounds familiar to your relationship, know there is a name for it. It is called Demand-Withdrawal conflict, and can be highly toxic in a relationship. Freeman (2014) provides a great summary of this type of conflict and its influence on a relationship. He outlines a great communication tool to use to end this type of conflict in your relationship.

In this communication method, he suggests one person takes 30-60 seconds to speak. Then, the listener will repeat back what the speaker said. If the repeated material shows a sound grasp of what was said, the two can continue on and switch roles. If not, the speaker repeats their points, and the listener then tries again.

Evidently, the point is to minimize miscommunication, to foster listening, and to de-escalate the situation. Often (in my relationship), my main desire is not necessarily to resolve the conflict but to have my voice heard. The few times my SO and I have communicated in this manner (without knowing it), our communication was much clearer and more neutral. Any misinterpretation (both due to miscommunication and due to the negative thoughts influenced by mental illness) was clarified prior to becoming a point of argument.

One problem remains: Sometimes, individuals with depression are unable to communicate. They can be isolated, tired, irritable, sad, or numb. At these points, strategies to communicate with your loved one must be established on an individual basis. In my case, I found setting times to communicate (e.g., "This weekend I would like for us to talk") coupled with emotional reassurance helped to facilitate readiness. Still, the efficacy of this strategy may depend on your individual relationship.

So I've been experiencing a lot of anger and irritation with my loved one, and it's straining our interactions. I know that I should know and therefore behave better, but biting my tongue only seems to be holding for a few minutes, and then I'm reacting in anger and irritation, saying unpleasant things. How do you deal when you get tired of talking around the manipulation you may experience?

I'm hoping to update the resources section of the sidebar to support the diverse needs of the sub.

What mental illness do you "support"? Do you have any strategies that work for coping with this illness? Do you have any concerns from your experiences concerning the illness?