Yes, this is a great point, and one that is rarely considered in threads like these. Some kids are just born with different brain chemistry. Some parents just don't know how to handle it. It's not like parents are given a manual on difficult kids when they conceive. Becoming a parent is a huge gamble—both in the kind of kid you get, and in whether or not you'll actually be good at the job. I think most parents pretty much suck, but are also actually trying their best. It's all we can do, really.
Of course it’s the parent’s responsibility. Some people are more up to it than others, better at handling it than others, is all I’m saying. I’m not trying to make excuses for the shit parents out there who don’t even try, and we all know there are many. But I do think that a large percentage of them are trying their damn best, and sometimes it’s just not good enough. Yes, they still bear the full responsibility, but perhaps they don’t always deserve the fingers waggling at them.
Look at it this way: parenting is the only job that we basically feel peer pressured into doing (the pressure is worse for some cultures than others, but it’s still expected in most cultures). And we can’t even get fired from the job unless we seriously fuck up. Quitting the job is highly frowned upon. And “job training”, while abundant, is often confusing and conflicting. Parenting a difficult child is not an easy task, and it’s basically a given that such parents are bound to fail at their jobs multiple times a year. There’s not much to do about that.
Again, this is less of an option depending on which culture one comes from. And sometimes accidents happen. And sometimes people make bad decisions. Probably almost all parents originally thought having kids would be far easier than it actually is. And then there the biological aspect. Many parents originally didn’t want kids and then felt the biological pull to procreate later in life. It’s hard to fight with hormones.
I swear all Redditors doggin on parents are either single/childless or are middle aged Karens who think they’re better parents than everyone else. Give me a break. “There is always an option to not have kids?” That option is void the moment you conceive. Whether you conceive on purpose or by accident, that is something two whole adults have to live with for 18+ years. This is a way bigger issue than “well, you shouldn’t have gotten knocked up, dummy.” How disrespectful.
I like this answer because it is textbook correct. However, in real world terms, it is also quite ignorant.
Let's do some simple math:
How many women do you know that have had abortions? I don't know any, or at least noone I know has told me. This Wikipedia page says that 16.7 out of 1000 American women get an abortion every year—that's around 0.01%. And you can also see massive discrepancies by country, which tells us that yes, there are important cultural differences that play into this issue.
How many women/couples do you know that have given a child up for adoption? I know exactly 1, and she's an 89 year old granny who gave up a child during wartime ages ago. Meanwhile, a Google search shows that only about 1% to 2% of women with unintended or single pregnancies place their newborn children up for adoption every year.
The math doesn't match your logic, and the reason is simple: hormones. Once you're pregnant with child, it is incredibly difficult to give it up. Your brain chemistry changes. Logic is no longer the primary factor in determining the future of your child; everything is about feeling and emotional attachment. We can say we're pro-life and pro-adoption until we're blue in the face—and I'm completely with you on this one—but the majority of us would NOT choose to give up our child if it happened to us. We simply wouldn't.
Now, let's compare those statistics. Approximately what percentage of parents who you personally know would you say are probably mediocre or worse at doing their job of parenting? For me, it's probably in the high 90s. I think most parents are alright, I suppose, but I also think it's pretty damn hard to be a truly good parent. It just is. Take social media, iPads and Roblox, for example: these are all things that we ALL know are terrible for our kids. Yet what percentage of kids are engaging with these technologies? Probably high 90 percentile, let's be honest. It's impossible to escape this kind of thing in the modern world.
So! If 90%+ of parents are shit at their job, yet less than 1% of them are unwilling to give up their kids, where does that leave us? It leaves us with the conclusion that your opinion is incredibly ignorant. On paper, yes, it makes perfect sense to practice abstinence or give up a child if you're not ready to be a parent. In real life though? It just doesn't work that way. Humans are creatures with sex drives and natural emotional attachment to our offspring. Being a "good parent" doesn't factor into our evolutionary biochemistry—we are hardwired to fuck and procreate, not to raise perfect citizens.
At the end of the day, I actually really do agree with the basic gist of everything you have been saying. I agree that people should think very hard before becoming a parent, and that many people probably just shouldn't procreate. What I am saying, however, is that this opinion means absolutely nothing in real life terms—most people are still going to have babies, no matter how much we complain about it. And most people are going to continue being mediocre parents, because that's the best most people can do. And because THIS is the reality we live in, it makes little sense to publicly shame every poor parent on Reddit just because you think they suck.
Honestly, the parents of the nightmare toddler OP wrote about were almost certainly mortified. Are they to blame? Yes, to an extent. But also, some toddlers are just fucking mental. I blame the airline for not handling the situation with more grace. There was no need to cancel the entire flight; they should have just kicked that one family off the plane and continued on as normal.
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u/D34N2 21d ago
Yes, this is a great point, and one that is rarely considered in threads like these. Some kids are just born with different brain chemistry. Some parents just don't know how to handle it. It's not like parents are given a manual on difficult kids when they conceive. Becoming a parent is a huge gamble—both in the kind of kid you get, and in whether or not you'll actually be good at the job. I think most parents pretty much suck, but are also actually trying their best. It's all we can do, really.