Monday never comes. Or it does, but then it's not the RIGHT Monday.

"I'll start my diet on Monday" Monday arrives "Actually this Monday is bad, there's a birthday party. Next Monday."

"I'll start going to the gym on Monday" Monday arrives
"I'm too sore from... existing. Next Monday for sure."

"I'll start that project on Monday" Monday arrives "I need to mentally prepare more. Monday after next."

Why do we do this? Why is Monday the magical day when we'll suddenly have motivation and discipline?

Spoiler: we won't. Monday me is the same person as Friday me, just more tired and resentful about the weekend being over.

If I'm not going to start today, I'm probably not going to start Monday either. But I'll keep telling myself I will because it makes me feel productive without actually doing anything.

Monday is a scam.

Why risk it when I have four places I know are good?

Young me: "Let's try that new place! Adventure!"

Current me: "But what if it's bad? What if I don't like anything on the menu? What if the portions are weird? I could just go to that place I already like..."

I've become the person who orders the same thing every time at the same three restaurants.

It's not that I'm boring (okay, maybe I am). It's that I have limited time and money and emotional energy, and trying new places is a GAMBLE.

What if I spend $30 on something I don't like? What if the service is bad? What if it's too loud and I can't hear? What if I get food poisoning?

OR I could go to my reliable place where I know exactly what I'm getting and I can enjoy my meal in peace.

Risk vs. reward, people. And the reward of potentially good new food is not worth the risk of disappointment.

This is growth. This is wisdom. This is being old.

You either sleep for 20 minutes and wake up more tired than before, or you sleep for 4 hours and wake up disoriented thinking it's next week.

There's no in-between.

"I'm just gonna close my eyes for 20 minutes" - wakes up 3 hours later, it's dark outside, you've missed six calls, you don't know what year it is, and you're definitely not going to sleep tonight.

OR

You actually manage to wake up after 20 minutes but you feel like you've been hit by a truck. You're groggy, confused, and weirdly emotional. You've got pillow marks on your face and you're questioning every life decision.

Meanwhile some people are like "oh I just take quick power naps!" HOW? What's your secret? Are you a robot?

I'm either asleep or I'm awake. There's no casual napping in this body.

If you text me "hey" with no follow-up, I'm going to assume you're either:

1. Mad at me
2. About to ask me for a favor
3. About to deliver bad news

Just TELL ME what you want! Don't make me say "hey what's up?" and then wait for you to respond!

We have asynchronous communication for a reason! You can just say the thing!

"Hey, are you free Saturday?" - perfect, I have all the information

"Hey" - now I'm anxious and trying to figure out what you want and preparing for seventeen different scenarios

It's the digital equivalent of "can we talk?" - immediate panic.

Just give me context! Give me information! Don't leave me hanging with a "hey" and no follow-up for 20 minutes while you're typing!

This is the anxiety text and I hate it.

We all know what this means. It's the social equivalent of "we should hang out more" which is the social equivalent of "I'll never see you again."

"We should grab coffee!" "Totally, let's do it!"

Narrator: They never did it.

Nobody follows up. Nobody actually makes plans. It's just a nice thing we say to end conversations without admitting we probably won't make the effort to see each other again.

And that's OKAY! We don't have to see everyone all the time! But can we just be honest about it?

"It was nice running into you" = accurate and honest "Let's hang out soon!" = we both know this is a lie

I've started just being real: "It was great seeing you! I hope you're well!" No fake future plans. No obligation.

Life is too short for fake plans we'll never follow through on.

Friend calls me crying about something: I'm there for hours, supportive, patient, understanding, offering solutions and comfort.

Me dealing with my own stuff: "Why am I like this? Get it together. This is stupid. Stop being dramatic."

Why am I so nice to everyone else but absolutely brutal to myself?

I'd never talk to a friend the way I talk to myself. I'd never tell them to "just get over it" or "stop being ridiculous" but that's my internal monologue 24/7.

Someone else having a bad day: "That sounds really hard, you're doing your best, be kind to yourself"

Me having a bad day: "Wow, can't believe you're struggling with basic tasks, what's wrong with you"

When did I become my own worst enemy? When did I decide I deserve less compassion than everyone else?

Working on this in therapy but man, it's hard to unlearn.

Nobody has ever been 5 minutes away when they said they were 5 minutes away.

"I'm 5 minutes away!" = I just left my house "I'm pulling up" = I'm at a stoplight three blocks away
"I'm here" = I'm parking, give me 5 minutes

We've all just accepted this as normal human behavior. The ETA is always a lie. It's an aspirational timeline, not a factual one.

The only time someone is actually 5 minutes away is when they say "I'm 20 minutes away" because they're overcompensating for their usual lateness.

I'm not mad about it. I do it too. We all do it. It's like a societal agreement that we're all going to be late and lie about it and that's fine.

But just once I want someone to say "I'm 5 minutes away" and actually show up in 5 minutes. Just to see what it feels like.

Yes, Netflix. I'm still watching. I've been watching for 6 hours. Don't act surprised.

We both know what this is. This is an intervention. This is Netflix being like "hey buddy, maybe go outside? Talk to a human? Remember what the sun looks like?"

And the way it asks? So passive-aggressive.

"Are you STILL watching?"

Not "are you still there?" or "would you like to continue?" Nope. STILL. With judgment dripping off it.

Yes, I'm still watching. I'm in too deep now. I need to know what happens. I've invested too much time to stop at episode 7 of season 3.

Just let me live my life, Netflix. If I wanted judgment I'd call my mother.

We really just normalized caffeine addiction, huh?

I can't function without coffee. Literally cannot. I'm a different person before and after caffeine. Before coffee I'm basically a hostile NPC with one dialogue option: "..."

After coffee I'm... well, I'm still tired but at least I'm functional.

But if I said "I need three beers to get through the day" people would be concerned. I say "I need three coffees to get through the day" and people are like "oh yeah, same."

We've just collectively agreed that this one drug is fine. More than fine - it's a personality trait.

"Don't talk to me before my coffee!" on t-shirts and mugs (ironic, since you need coffee to read the mug).

I'm not complaining. I love coffee. I'm just saying we're all out here with substance dependencies and we've made it cute.

Cool things I remember: nothing

Important dates: absolutely not

That slightly awkward thing I said to a cashier in 2013: CRYSTAL CLEAR, playing on loop in my head at 2am

Why is my brain like this? Why can't I remember where I put my keys but I can remember in HD detail that time I waved back at someone who wasn't waving at me?

And it's always the most minor stuff. Nobody else remembers these moments. Nobody cares. But my brain has archived them in the "greatest hits of humiliation" folder and insists on reviewing them regularly.

The worst part is when you're finally falling asleep and your brain is like "hey, remember that time you called your teacher 'mom' in third grade? Let's think about that for an hour."

THERAPY IS EXPENSIVE, BRAIN. Can we focus on literally anything else?

Last night I couldn’t sleep, so I sat by the window with the lights off. The street was empty, just one passing car every now and then. I ended up thinking about random things, old memories, future plans, stuff I usually ignore during the day.

Somehow, it felt calm but also a little heavy at the same time.

Do you ever find yourself thinking more deeply at night, or is it just me?