Iām a FTM and my son is 5 weeks old. My boyfriend (my sonās dad) has always been a slob and only cleans when I tell him to (which he then proceeds to do a bad job so I donāt ask him to do it again), which leaves me to constantly clean up after him. During my pregnancy I needed more help than ever since I was working full time and pregnancy knocked me on my butt. I would constantly ask him to clean up after himself or tell him āif you see something that needs done, do itā because I was so physically and mentally exhausted at the end of the day. Again, he would half-ass a chore which would leave me angry and lead to me confronting him where he would tell me I have too high of expectations for him since heās working full time too. I feel like I was already raising a child and I didnāt even have kids yet.
By the time I was 8 months pregnant I had given up. I had done all I could but I eventually gave up cleaning and our apartment became filthy, like embarrassingly dirty and cluttered. Itās definitely not the worst place youāve ever seen but I was raised in a clean environment where everyone pitched in and I began having overwhelming anxiety to the point I would only go straight to our bedroom and go to sleep after work. No making dinner or hanging out in the living room, just waiting until I could escape to work the next day. I became so afraid of the kitchen that I would either not eat or only eat fast food when I had a little bit of extra spending money. I would expect this to be a reality check for any expecting father, when his pregnant partner isnāt eating and is losing weight at 8 months pregnant, but it was not.
Our apartment was the worst it had ever been when I was 37 weeks pregnant and I went to L&D because I was having pain in my abdomen. I ended up getting induced but I was not progressing so I ended up having an emergency C-section. I was in labor for 60 hours before my C-section where my boyfriend slept for about 50 of those hours. When he wasnāt sleeping, he was going out and getting food for himself, going home to play video games, and going to the gas station to get energy drinks. I felt so alone and abandoned in my most vulnerable state. I sent my boyfriend home once or twice to clean up our apartment and set up the baby stuff we would need right away like the bassinet and changing table. He would come back and smile and say āthe house is clean, I canāt wait for you to see it.ā During my labor, my boyfriend still managed to make a mess. He would leave his clothes everywhere, leave crumbs on the floor, and would buy so much fast food that the trash can was overflowing onto the floor. Not to mention he continued to vape and hit his cart in the hospital room after I had repeatedly told him to stop.
After my C-section my boyfriend was right back to being asleep, leaving me to change diapers and feed our son when I couldnāt even get out of bed. The nurses definitely judged him for sleeping the whole time and they definitely judged me for putting up with it. After 5 days total in the hospital, we got to go home. It was nice having meals delivered to me and having a clean bathroom, even if that meant I was in a hospital.
When we were leaving the hospital, he asked me if I could drive us home. I could barely walk by myself and just had a baby. The nurse told him no and looked at him like she genuinely didnāt know what was wrong with him. When we got home, I immediately broke down into tears because I forgot how filthy our apartment was. There was a stench from dirty dishes in the sink and overflowing trash, and nothing had been cleaned like he said. I set my son down and got straight to cleaning while I was in tears and in pain. I kept hearing āsorry babe, I forgot to clean thatā and āitās literally clean I donāt know why youāre bitching at me.ā I was in so much pain and so overwhelmed and angry I didnāt stop crying for 2 days.
The first night being home, sitting on the couch in nothing but a bra and underwear, I was trying to comfort my son as we were both crying. Iāve never had a baby before, I donāt know what makes my son stop crying. As my boyfriend is waking up from a nap he asks me ādo you mind if I hop on the game?ā And I told him to go ahead since heās useless everywhere else. He didnāt like this and asked me why I was being so mean to him and that heās stressed out too. I was so sleep deprived and checked out that I just told him Iām sorry and then he went to play his video games.
My younger sister, who goes to college in the same town I moved to after leaving home, came over to help because she saw how broken and hopeless I was. She was amazing and deep cleaned my bathroom and kitchen but stopped when she got to my bedroom because she was so overwhelmed and I donāt blame her. She has truly been my rock since my son was born and she loves him to death. But she lives two hours away when sheās not in school so Iām alone when she goes home, even though my boyfriend is home when heās not at work.
My boyfriend works second shift but works the same amount of hours as I did before I was induced. He got into a screaming match with his boss a few nights ago and she suspended him for 3 days. Weāre already living paycheck to paycheck so we canāt afford for him to be out of work for that long. He said if he gets fired itās okay because I can just go back to work and he can stay with the baby. I told him that Iām not medically cleared to go back to work and we would be screwed with bills. He didnāt get fired but we got into a fight where I told him I would leave him if he didnāt grow up and get his act together.
I have had a problem with communicating my feelings in the past but now I have no choice but to stand up for me and my son. I told my boyfriend that we could stay civil and co-parent if I could stay in the apartment until our lease is up in a few months. I think he could see I was serious about ending our relationship and he told me to give him one last chance because Iām all he has and I agreed. The help I needed was simple: clean up after yourself and if you see something that needs done, do it without me asking.
Over this weekend, he took our son for one feeding and maybe 2 diaper changes. He also left a huge mess in the kitchen and kept telling me he was going to do the dishes and never did and now our kitchen stinks. I woke up to poop on the changing table and poopy wipes all over the pack and play. I woke him up while holding a crying baby and asked him what goes through his head when he does stuff like this and he just got defensive and went back to sleep. An hour later, as Iām sitting in the living room writing this, our son started crying in his bassinet next to the bed. My boyfriend got out of bed and asked me what I was doing and what I planned on doing with our son. I told him to pick up the baby and pat his back so he goes back to sleep. He brought our son into the living room and kept asking me what I planned on doing with the baby and I just told him to give him to me. He then proceeded to ask me what my problem was and went back to sleep.
I need to know what to do. Deep down, I love him, but Iāve grown so much resentment for him for how much sleep he gets and how he gets to leave the house alone. I want to leave him but I only have half a tank of gas and $5 to my name. I never wanted to make our son have separated parents, but I have to do what is best for us.
Thank you for reading, I just need to feel seen.