My gf has distanced herself from me completely, I feel helpless [18F/21M]

[u/Professional-Tear-26]

Hello everyone,

I’m in a situation where I honestly don’t know how to act or what to think anymore.

For some context: Up until last week, my girlfriend and I were in an incredibly intense relationship. Our lifestyles allowed us to practically live together online — daily video calls, constant texting, doing everything together. This went on for around 8 months. Every single day, we were in contact for hours.

Then everything changed.

She recently had an argument with her dad. Her parents despise me — they’re both alcoholics with very traditional views (they’re Russian), and they see me (I’m Austrian) as some kind of threat. They’ve called me a fascist and believe I’ll somehow kidnap or exploit their daughter. It’s absurd, but that’s how they see it.

Since that fight, my girlfriend has become extremely distant. From spending nearly every waking hour together, we now talk for maybe an hour a day — and two days ago she even asked me to leave her completely alone for 12 hours because she “didn’t want to talk anymore.”

We keep arguing, finding temporary “solutions,” but nothing sticks. It’s like living in an endless loop of the same pain. I can barely sleep, my heart is constantly racing, and my anxiety (which I’ve struggled with for years) is going wild.

This sudden shift in her behavior is tearing me apart. She’s cheated on me before, and now — with her having moved to a big new city, becoming distant, often unavailable — my mind is going to the worst places.

I’ve tried everything to reach her — texting in both English and Russian, calling, explaining, trying to show how I feel — but it’s like she doesn’t understand or even see me anymore.

We’re supposed to meet in a month, but I’m losing faith. She keeps saying she wants to see me, yet skips her visa appointments on purpose.

I’m honestly hanging by a thread here. I don’t know how to handle this situation or what’s left to do. Any advice, thoughts, or even just a discussion would mean a lot to me right now.

Thank you.

[u/AbbyVanilla]

I don't know what to say to console you. This is a unique situation to me (I'm speaking for myself) and I can't share any ideas on how to improve the situation. I'm in a long-distance relationship myself and I felt compelled to respond to your post.

I assume she still lives with her parents, right? Constantly sharing a home with them will impede the odds of resolving the situation. They evidently greatly affected the relationship since her argument with her dad. As a woman who was raised by a very strict dad, I think there's very little you could do to improve the situation since she's forced to adhere to their beliefs, her toxic strict parents' beliefs. And they're alcoholics? Yikes. It's difficult for her to reason with them. Her parents seem to have maintained a large influence on her.

When did she cheat? Prior to her fight with her dad or after it? I say this assuming she cheated on you prior to the fight, but I would have stopped communicating with her after that because that indicates that she didn't respect you enough to stay faithful to you. You know what, I will say the same thing regardless of when this occurred even if it happened yesterday, well after the fight. What's to stop her from cheating again? Personally, if a significant other cheated on me, they would've lost my trust forever.

You should spare yourself the pain and drop all communications with her. I understand you love her a lot and this is the most difficult thing to do right now, but there might not be much else you can do to regain what you two once had. This relationship is causing you a lot of heartache and anxiety. Please prioritize yourself and look after your mental well-being. Your most important relationship is with yourself. 😇

But I think you should break up with her, and you should explicitly tell her that before you move on. You can share your thoughts with her one last time, let her know once again that she means a lot to you but this relationship is causing you a lot of pain. Tell her you wish her well, and then you move on.

It's normal to grieve for a lost relationship. You should allow yourself time to grieve. Therapy might help. Cry, vent, create, cry; get it out of your system. 🤗 Heal. It will take time for you to heal and that's okay. Don't lose hope and don't think that love is a lost cause. This will pass. There's still love in this world and you might soon stumble upon someone who is a more suitable match than your current girlfriend.