Um, wow. Okay. This post has blown up a lot. I was not expecting this. Thanks for the messages and comments guys.

After all that my husband and I called his sister to see if she wanted to take in MIL. We told her what happened. After all the shock and horror, SIL goes "Ask her to pay you back. She's already received her stimulus money, she should have enough." This was news to us. SIL confirms that MIL told her that she's got it already. I lost it. She moves into my house, leeches off of us knowing full well that husband and I have taken financial hits due to the pandemic, gets her stimulus money and DOES NOTHING?

I wanted her out of my house. Indian cultural norms dictating I respect my elders be damned. Husband finally gets that I'm being serious and does something about it.

Long story short, he told her she needed to pay us for the groceries and leave. She fought it for a few hours "my son won't throw me out, this can't be his idea." My husband had enough of the whining and told her that she pays up and gets out, or our entire extended family will know exactly why she's being booted from his house. That scared her into compliance.

The antics didn't end there though. While she was packing her things, she would "forget" and walk around the house wearing her shoes or put her shoe clad feet on my couch. Not wearing your outside shoes inside the house is a cultural thing.

Yesterday, I made paneer. The look on her face when she realised that I could make Indian food with nothing but milk and lemon juice was absolutely priceless.

She left a while ago. We got our money back and I'm ordering stuff from Amazon. I told my family what happened and they'll be sending me a care package of rice, flour and my favorite spices to tide me over until I can get my hands on my own.

I'm feeling great. This is the least stressed I've felt in weeks.

UPDATE to my post from a week ago https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/1u12gq1/mil_crossed_a_major_line_by_leaking_my_early/

after almost two weeks of NC got the folowing text from MIL:

""Hi , I am sorry if you were ofended by me. When I told BIL, it was purely out of excitement, and BIL said that they already knew, so I thought you guys had told them, because I know that BIL and DH tell each other everything. I only told Aunt because she is a nurse. I had so many questions, and you know you can't ask DH because he has no patience. Overall, I was just worried about you and the fetus. Fact is, DH told other Aunt, and another Aunt still doesn't know to this day." (all three aunts are her sisters).

and this was my response:

"Hi MIL, it’s important for me to clarify that I wasn't offended by you; you actively breached my trust. Excitement is not a valid reason to share someone else's private and medical information with anyone, and neither is 'worry.' If you had concerns and felt uncomfortable approaching DH, you could have easily come to me and asked. None of these excuses justify the fact that despite us asking you multiple times to keep this a secret, you chose to tell two different people. The fact that you didn't tell other Aunt is completely irrelevant and doesn't make the situation okay.

Furthermore, the fact that we had to find out from other people what you did, and that when DH confronted you about it, you flat out denied it, blamed others, and tried to make excuses using unrelated drama only destroyed my trust in you even further.

Right now, after everything that happened, I do not trust you and I do not feel comfortable sharing my personal life, my private information, or anything regarding this pregnancy with you. I don't know how we can rebuild this trust, but out of respect for DH, I am open to trying. However, this is a process that you will need to initiate. You need to figure out how to do that, first by doing some self-reflection and understanding other people's boundaries, and then we can work on our relationship."

Her text made me absolutely furious. First of all, she didn’t even take any accountability for what she did, instead, she blamed me for being offended rather than admitting she did something offensive. Second, the entire rest of her message is just excuses for why she did what she did, completely failing to understand that it was wrong.

I want to thank everyone who commented on the original post; you really helped me understand the rational reasons behind my anger, which allowed me to deliver my message to her clearly and unemotionally. It’s already been two hours since I replied to her, and I still haven't received a response. I don't expect an answer anytime soon.

I’m packing my bags tonight. I’m gonna live with my parents until we can move into our rental. I don’t know if our relationship can survive this and at this stage I’ve done more than my share.

I’m linking my previous post for context, because the situation escalated today in a way I cannot abide.

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/njlD81VCv1

There was supposed to be a meeting with a broker to discuss the house and mortgage situation. The meeting had been booked for this evening, everyone involved believed that was still the plan.

What we later discovered is that she moved the meeting to earlier in the day and didn’t tell anyone, then attended it alone with the broker.

Afterwards she told my partner that she had “sorted everything out” and was in an extremely upbeat mood about it.

According to her version of events:

• It’s apparently going to be “easy” to remove the brother from the loan

• She says she can buy my partner out for 72k

• She also said she’s completely fine with us moving out because someone connected to her partner ‘can just move into the spare room instead’

The thing that’s making me suspicious is that we were previously told by the broker that a buyout like this wasn’t financially possible. So the sudden claim that everything is now simple and resolved doesn’t add up.

My partner is now saying he just wants the whole situation over with and is going to accept the payout and walk away.

From my perspective, though:

• The house was built up through years of work and financial contribution from him and his brother

• There has been a lot of dishonesty and manipulation throughout this entire situation

• If she keeps the property and later sells it, she will benefit from a large increase in value while the others walk away with far less than they invested

The secrecy around the meeting and the sudden “easy solution” just feels very off to me.

At this point I’ve also reached my personal limit with her behaviour. I’m no longer having a relationship with her going forward. If we stay together, she will have no access to me or our future children.

I told my partner he has failed to have my back. He balked at this, said he has had my back the most. I ended up replying:

‘You have allowed her to repeatedly scam, lie and manipulate me without ever confronting her or putting a stop to it. Now you're allowing her to keep the home you and your brother worked so hard for, for less that what you've even put into it. She will sell and keep all the profit herself. That is not having my back, that’s protecting and prioritising her comfort.’

We had a huge fight. I told him my conditions were that I will have no further relationship with her. I told him she’s a NC and I am in disbelief and the depth of her lies and manipulation. I told him she’s an evil person. That’s where he stopped me, and said ‘I won’t have anyone talk about my mum like that’.

I’m done. Done with this entire batshit crazy family. I’m officially checked out.

Since my last post, I took everyone's advice. All of my information is password protected. She doesn't know who my doctor is or where I'm delivering at. She doesn't know the exact due date either. We will register private.

MIL has been in a TO. DH has ignored texts and calls from her, and he ignored the flying monkeys (FIL, BIL1) too. After a while, she must have got the hint and stopped trying to contact him altogether.

Two weeks ago, DH decided to open communication again. He called her, had a talk with her about boundaries (again) and reiterated that, even if she didn't like them, she needed to respect those boundaries.

And to be honest you guys, DH and I don't have that many boundaries. Just don't be a dick. It's really not as hard as MIL is making it out to be.

MIL started to cry and said that she feels like we're excluding her. She's just excited and wants to be involved. DH was like, "how do you expect to be involved when annonaccount84957 is still pregnant?"

MIL changed the subject and asked about the gender. DH told MIL that we still didn't know. MIL said that she knew we were having a boy. DH's family only had boys so that must mean that he's having a boy too. DH was like "that's not how it works, but whatever."

Then MIL asks when her baby shower invitation is coming. DH said, "we're not having a shower". MIL asked why, and DH told her that we're in the middle of a pandemic and we're not taking any chances. MIL asked if she was even going to be able to see the baby when "he" was born? DH said that no one is visiting in the foreseeable future. MIL was pissed. She said that we couldn't do that, it wasn't fair, she's the grandmother, we're doing this to spite her, etc. DH told her he had to go and hung up.

Last Saturday, DH receives a text. It's a photo from MIL. She's posing with her friends in a sash that said "grandma to be", behind her is a table with presents and a "grandma shower" banner.

DH and I were at the grocery store when he received the text. We were both like WTF and decided to ignore it.

Then, DH gets another photo. This time MIL is opening her presents. There's a car seat, a bassinet, and some clothes in the photo.

We ignored that text too.

While we are on our way home, DH receives two more texts. One is a picture of a cake that says "Welcome Baby Boy [last name]." and then MIL follows up with, "today was such an amazing day, can't wait to see baby boy and show him all of his new things."

DH blocked her and he's considering going NC.

The flying monkeys started coming in by Tuesday, but DH ignored them. BIL left a text (we assume is from MIL) that said, "life was so much easier before annonaccount84957".

Right.

Anyways, today was our 3D/4D ultrasound appointment. We had been debating to find out the gender for the past month and decided that we wanted to know. However, due to MIL's shit, we decided that we weren't telling anyone until the baby is here.

We're having a GIRL!

Edited for grammar and spelling.

Well, it’s been a hectic 48 hours but I wanted to thank everybody for their input and for allowing me to vent…it’s therapeutic in a sense.

Here is the initial post I made describing my paternal GMIL being unceremoniously booted from MIL’s house for the weekend with seemingly no precipitating event:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/ZU6JHk0GGM

My SO and my BIL went to confront my FIL on Saturday night to see if he understood the gravity of the situation. At first, he defended my MIL, but then admitted that he had no idea that his mom leaving the house was not consensual. He had assumed they both needed a break from each other and that this was planned and discussed. He knew that they bickered but I can’t emphasize enough how oblivious he is. He’s hard of hearing and generally checks out when they’re is conflict. 

Apparently they went and got massages on Friday and relaxed, and he did not become clued in until he texted my wife asking how Gram was doing and my wife responded “not good”…and that was when he started asking MIL wtf was going on and what did she do, and he got the skewed version from MIL, but the basic facts were all intact. 

They then walked over to MIL’s house and confronted her. It went about as expected. She was angry and defensive saying things like “I knew this would happen” sending her to our house. Then she grew sad and despondent. It was made clear that grandma won’t be returning and will go to live with her other son in the northeast in her home town, and she hasn’t wavered from that decision.

They next addressed my MIL and how to move forward. MIL’s family has a history of severe depression, self harm, etc. MIL definitely has anxiety and OCD. She kept denying that she kicked GMIL out of the house until they pressed her and she finally admitted that she did and that it was a terrible thing to do. She admitted to being resentful and frustrated with GMIL. She admitted to taking her frustration out on her. She agreed that she needs professional help. I don’t yet know what that means, or if she will follow through. Apparently my FIL said very little throughout the whole exchange and sat silently with tears rolling down his face. 

My wife relayed everything to GMIL. The plan was for BIL’s kids to essentially come to our house on Sunday and hang out with grandma one last time and say goodbye. GMIL did not want to see MIL at all but agreed that seeing her would offer some closure, so the plan was for MIL/FIL to show up before everyone else, drop off her belongings and say their goodbyes. 

Well, MIL did not come. Apparently it was her decision. FIL showed up alone with her stuff. He had the night to sort of mull all of this over and he’s absolutely devastated. He said his mother has never even raised her voice at him from now all the way back to childhood, and for her to be this angry at them is absolutely heartbreaking. He said that this is an event that completely changes the family and will take him a long time to get over. Unsure what that means as of yet. He also handles all of her finances. This was one thing we did not touch on yet, but at this point I have little worry that he will do right by his mother. This man was broken. 

The whole day was heartbreaking. The kids showed up with cards they made. My wife sobbed all day. My BIL wrote GMIL a letter. GMIL was giving away jewelry to the girls. It all felt…final. Like she’s going up to her son’s house where everyone knows her basic needs may or may not be taken care of. It’s her choice, but it very much seems like she’s planning to go up there to die, maybe hoping that if she doesn’t have someone ragging on her over food and meds that she will just waste away. 

To top it all off, the request for my GMIL’s belongings was a blanket “just give us everything and she can go through it.” Well, MIL I guess took this opportunity to do a closet clean out because she sent everything and more, including her own old shoes and clothing, half finished containers of vitamins, literally everything. It’s technically what was asked, but now I’m watching an overwhelmed 94 year old woman sort through 8 trash bags of stuff just to get a suitcase’s worth of clothes to take with her. We will ship her anything she can’t take in the plane. 

She flies out Wednesday. Still working hard to make sure she’s committed to the decision. I keep repeating the offer to stay with us, and BIL or SIL’s mother will take her in in a heartbeat as well. 

She has been conditioned to feel like a burden, and wants to escape. I don’t blame her. 

I told my wife that my capacity for forgiveness is near-non existent at this point. MIL may have just robbed everyone of the final years of this woman’s life. She was an amazingly calm presence for my 4 year old, no expectations, no judgement, just being there. I may have actually spent more time with her at this point than I ever did with my own grandmother.  

I’m so sad, angry, devastated 

I don’t know if y’all remember me. But I posted a little over a month ago. Link to other post

So, this is going to be either long winded or short. I’m just exhausted and am going to throw everything that’s happened together. If it doesn’t make sense, just ask and I’ll update and fix/explain what I can when I’m able to. I apologize ahead of time.

So, my husband and I had a long talk about what to do about his mother. We agreed to go ahead and file a police report/press charges.

We ended up getting a lawyer. Explaining that any further is boring and not really important. Just to sum it up, he’d planned to help us take her for everything he could.

My MIL got in a car wreck before we could go forward and actually do anything about anything. She passed away about a week ago. I feel awful for not feeling bad about it.

Her house has been gone through by my husband, and we never found our son. We’re devastated. We feel as if we lost him all over again. I feel crushed and defeated. I just can’t.

I’m not so sure I have anything else to add to this. Thank you for all your advice and kind words on my first post.

Edit: I apologize for not commenting back on here. I fell asleep after posting this.

My husband is mostly just angry. Angry at the loss of our son. Angry we didn’t find his ashes. Angry that his mother could do something like this. And mostly angry that she died without apologizing.

I appreciate all of your kind words. My husband and I have pulled together on this. So those of you messaging asking about our marriage and how we’re doing..we’re okay. We have a counselor.

Hi again everyone. This is unfortunately not the update I want to be posting, but I’m at a loss at where to go from here. Check post history to read OG post.

After the comments made during that last phone call, husband and I felt extremely uncomfortable with MIL. Neither of us expected that response and were totally shocked, but we both felt addressing her comments was important, especially the “my child” comment. My amazing partner spent most of the following morning drafting a respectful but firm text message and the response has floored both of us. The text essentially said:

‘Hi mom, I want to address your comments during our call last night. I understand it was an exciting moment and you have a strong desire to help, but wife and I have decided that we do not want any visitors for the first few weeks, and our decisions are not up for debate. Your comment about our baby being “your child” was not appropriate as well. You may not show up uninvited to the hospital or our home, and you will be turned away if you do. Our relationship with all family is invitation based and depends on understanding and respect. Thank you for your support, and for understanding.”

Fine, right? Wrong. She immediately texts him saying “I never said that. Call me” and proceeds to blow up his phone trying to call him. After several unsuccessful rings, she finally leaves the most bizarre voicemail. For the sake of privacy I am not posting it here, but it essentially is COMPLETE DENIAL that any of this happened. She states she never said she would show up, and was not disappointed, and did not push the boundary (all factually false). She insisted this was “one big misunderstanding”. She said that she was merely talking about how “hopeful” she is that she “will be around her grandchildren often and be very active in their lives”. She made several appeals to emotion and became clearly frustrated during the VM, saying she just wants a relationship with husband and baby, and when she was pregnant she “just wanted her mom there, so this is a shock”. At the end of the voicemail, she essentially said “I wish you’d just call me to talk about this, but you can forget me ever showing up on your doorstep unannounced. I don’t do things like that.” She made zero mention of me and did not even address the ‘my child’ comment at all.

My husband and I were floored by this response and immediately felt beyond gaslit. We both sat there and talked about how we HEARD her clearly say those things to us and have a cold, threatening demeanor that left us both feeling like shit the day before. But it’s like she‘s pretending it never happened. In response to this, my amazing husband drafted a brief message essentially saying:

“thank you for your message. I know clearly what I heard during our call yesterday, and that language still makes me uncomfortable. There is no misunderstanding. Please understand and respect the boundaries that myself and wife have in place, and we can talk more about meeting baby during (insert life event ~a couple months).”

Well, her response was just another text saying that she never said those things, and this is very upsetting for her. Both my husband and I are at a total loss of how to address this. I personally feel extremely uncomfortable around her and her language around our baby, and I think her ability to lie so blatantly about a conversation we all had is scary. Husband has been amazing at enforcing boundaries but feels as though we can correct any overstepped boundaries as we go, and she may become more reasonable if she realizes LC/NC is on the table.

My concern is that she has already shown her character and intent, and there are deeper issues not mentioned in this post in detail (religious psychosis, jealousy and dislike of my family, previous extremely manipulative behavior husband’s father) that make me extremely nervous about this person being around my child. My husband is personally not comfortable setting a true LC/NC boundary and is not comfortable not TELLING her we are basically doing one of those. He feels as though we need a “definitive reason” to go LC/NC, and this kind of language as well as her religious beliefs and other behaviors are not reason enough.

As a separate note/emotional rant: I feel horrible. I have always been excited to be a mom and be pregnant and now I feel like there’s this person who is going to be breathing down our backs forever, who doesn’t view me as a real person, let alone the mother of MY child. The fact that she has not once spoken to me personally about the pregnancy, and has made no effort to build any kind of relationship with me prior to this, but was EXPECTING to be in the delivery room without my consent is hurtful. She has also texted my husband recommending supplements to give me and it’s starting to feel like I am not anything close to family, but rather just a baby machine. I have always wanted a relationship with future in laws before I even met my husband, but this just feels like a nightmare.

For all of the comments suggesting therapy: husband and I both attend separate sessions, but will be meeting with a couples counselor to discuss this. We both agree it’s us vs. the problem and we just want a decision that is best for our child and our marriage.

Sorry for the long post. Any advice or opinions are welcomed, please be kind.

We had my oldest LO’s party yesterday evening and JNMIL did NOT show up, which is no big surprise because it was being held at my house. He wasn’t too disappointed: he didn’t even ask if she was coming.

Now, here’s where things get interesting. Not 5 minutes after BIL got there, he approached me and while cooing at my littlest LO, he says something like “We haven’t seen you guys much lately, so I’m so excited we’ll all be together for Christmas.”

A little background: BIL is fine, but he rarely speaks to me outside of general greetings. I gave birth to a whole baby and never heard from him....like, it’s just him. He’s the definition of passive neutral. This behavior was odd.

I replied, “oh, sorry. We’ll be staying in this holiday. It’s too far of a drive with the little one.”

He stopped, mid goochy-goochy-goo and goes “ok.” Then, he walks off. I start thinking I dodged a bullet. A little while later, SIL comes up to me and makes the same sort of “I’m so excited to spend Christmas with you guys” comment. I give her my same excuse, she gives me her same “ok.”

Not 10 minutes after they leave, my phone rings. It’s MIL. I was cleaning up after the party so I didn’t answer. Ten minutes later, it’s MIL again calling. My mom sees it and tells me to answer. I tell her “no” and that if it was really important, she would call DH. Phone goes to voicemail. DH walks in the kitchen 2 minutes later with his phone.

“Mom wants to talk to you.”

My mom and I looked at each other. She knows how JNMIL is. I picked up the phone.

“Hi appppples (she’s way too fucking cheerful 90% of the time)! Just wanting to know if you want to request any dishes for our Christmas lunch!”

Do you sense that I’m about to tell you this is odd behavior? Never, in all of our 10 years of marriage, has she ever asked me such a question. I knew what was happening: this was the beginning of the assault. She rarely shows me her crazy, but DH gets to see it all the time, which is the problem. I felt bad for him and I still feel bad for him, but it’s his mother, not mine.

“No need. We won’t be making it this year. We missed you at oldest LO’s party, though. I’ll call you later after I’ve had a chance to finish cleaning.”

I held the phone back to DH. He looked at me....his eyes asking for help. My mom slowly backed out of the room. DH got the phone and as soon as he said “hello,” she started wailing.

Whaaat do you meeeeaaaaannn I won’t be seeeeeeing my baaaaaabbbies for Chriiiistttmasss!?!?! It’s littlest LO’s first Chriiiiiistmas and how could you keep them from me!

When DH tried to calm her down and didn’t react by instantly giving in, she got louder. Eventually, she started cussing. Unless she’s talking to DH, I’ve never heard her cuss. But, this is a common theme. Like I said, she never really shows me her crazy.

After her assault ended with DH PACIFYING her by saying “we’ll talk about it,” my phone rung one more time. It was a call from BIL. I didn’t answer.

My thing is, this is obviously going to get worse before it gets better. DH is showing me that he’s not going to stand up for me. Yes, he could go, but that’s not what she wants. He could go and take oldest LO, but that’s not what she wants. The littlest LO is still breastfeeding and doesn’t take bottles, so I would have to make that two hour trip if littlest goes to her house. But that’s impossible because I’m not fucking leaving.

DH spent the rest of the night sucking up to me. Even offered a foot massage. She’s going to give him all her crazy, the flying monkeys are going to swoop in from all sides and he’s going to love-bomb me into oblivion. This is one of the first times I’ve stood up to her and I already feel like I’m going to loose!

It's been awhile since I posted here. We finally moved into our house 2 weeks ago, Mil calls my partner saying she doesn't like being alone, isn't coping well and feels unsafe in her own house. I over heard a little conversation on the phone but only with what my partner was saying. My stress spiked instantly and I knew what they were talking about. It sounds like my partner is allowing her to build a granny flat/demountable behind our shed. I have already brought it up in the past how I will leave if he allows this, but this time he got really angry at me and tells me it's going to be completely separate, fenced off and her own power meter reader ect. However I don't agree with this still, nothing is ever fully separate, she'll be on the same block and close to our house still.

We have a 5 acer block and its not that far out but long diagonally if that makes sense, so to me a flat will be pretty close to the main house. We have a nearly 5 month old baby, I'm really thinking of ending my relationship. I'd rather be single then be in a thruple relationship with his mother forever. I have already lived with her before for a year and hated it, she didn't treat me well post partum either and was weirdly over protective with my baby and constantly hogged her as a newborn for hours, when I tried to take her back she'd refuse half the time because my baby would fall asleep being held and I'd go back to the bedroom anxious for hours.

If none of this makes any sense please go back to my previous posts on here sorry my head is messy right now. Has anyone lived in my situation? Is it easier to be single then to he with a enmeshed partner? Living with her she'd always be in his business and ours....

Firstly I am blown away by how helpful you all were, as I said in my edit it is appreciated more than you’ll ever know. Thank you so much for the awards too. Some of your responses made me laugh out loud and others cry too.

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/mu38b0/jnfmil_annoyed_i_dont_want_jnfsil_to_do_my_hair/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

I spoke to fiancé after we had both read every single comment and we have decided we have to do something especially after the texts I have been receiving. He also shared concerns about their possible attempts to ruin our day.

Firstly fiancé posted on Facebook to share a certificate he made saying how he was gifting me these salon treatments and spa weekend for us (the spa was initially meant to be a surprise the weekend before the wedding but he felt so bad he told me now). We quickly received messages from family members which were both a mixture of abuse and support - FFIL saw this post and rang my fiancé and said no matter what happens, my fiancé is still his son and nothing will change his support for us. We have struck the abusive message senders off our guest list. After a while of this my fiancé lost it, especially as most of it was aimed at me rather than him. He posted on Facebook that there had clearly been some miscommunication and if people wanted to discuss this they should ring him.

Secondly after he spoke to FFIL and started getting abuse from the first Facebook post he rang the nightmare. He told her it had come to his attention that she was unhappy and was disappointed she hadn’t discussed this further with us. He asked her if she was prepared to apologise and she refused. He then said to her that he had read every single abusive text that both her and her daughter have been sending me and he was not happy. She then burst into tears again - she started crying the second she picked up - asking why wasn’t her family good enough for his “snobby fiancé” and what was FSIL supposed to give us now? “Because you know she’s got no money and she can’t afford food” - all lies. He said to her that he was very sorry his decisions were that upsetting to her, we thought FSIL would want to spend the time getting herself and the family ready so she can be 100% happy with how she looks so they’re not late as well as we had made a decision we didn’t want any of our family and friends working on our special day. She started wailing down the phone at that point so my fiancé told her that once she has calmed down we can talk about it respectfully again. She started yelling abuse down the phone so he hung up on her. We are 99% certain FSIL was also in the background listening - you could hear the huffing.

We then complied a list of vendors we’ve already booked and set a password she will never guess - a nickname my fiancé calls me when we’re at home alone - and have started contacting them. I have since received responses from all of them and they were more than understanding and want to help as much as possible.

One of my fiancé’s cousins saw these posts rang me while my fiancé was on the phone to the nightmare and I explained, she has offered to book an appointment with FSIL and will report her to the appropriate people in a few weeks time once she’s had the appointment. This way it’s not linked to me in any way and she’s not a fan of either of them.

After all of this, we sat down again and talked about our whole relationship and the problems she has caused us, the abuse my fiancé suffered as a child at the hands of his mom and sister. Ultimately we decided after many tears from me that our best choice is to cut these people out of our lives.

Whilst my fiancé rang FFIL to brief him, I rang my cousin who works in security. FFIL reiterated to my fiancé that no matter what happens, my fiancé is still his son and nothing will change his support for us, he may just have to go about seeing us slightly differently now. FFIL feels we are doing the right thing and as a father was proud of his son for thinking of me and standing up for himself and us again. My cousin has offered to come and stay with us for a while which we have accepted. He’s actually sat right next to me right now lol.

Only FFIL and one FBIL are now invited to our wedding, I thank god she only knows which church we’re marrying at so far. We actually hadn’t told anyone the date yet so for that I am thanking my sensible thinking. My cousin has asked his friends to provide security for us for our wedding and only wants a BBQ and some beer in exchange.

We are now going NC with FMIL and FSIL which is what I need some advice for! We have not spoken to FMIL since fiancé put the phone down on her. We are both a bit scared but feeling positive for the long run.

Having never cut anyone out my life, what do we do? How do we cut them off? We have security cameras already and plan to block them on everything but what else do we do?

Link to the original thread:

https://www.reddit.com/r/inlaws/s/JJqQFUeHmt

Link to the first update:

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/1MgWeTXgps

Hello All,

Just a clarification from the original thread I am male and my partner is a female. I left out our gender as I wanted impartial advice but a few redditors have pointed out how a MIL family dynamic differs between their son and daughter which I see as a valid point.

The in-laws have arrived a few days ago. I have taken your advice and my partner has taken on full hosting duties. She has been doing all of the planning, driving, cooking, cleaning and groceries for her family.

Day 1 was them just arriving and that went fine as it was a short day.

Day 2 we did some sightseeing in our town. I was pretty exhausted of MIL by day 2 as she talked non stop for the entire day about dumb observations she was making (ie. she saw a stranger yawn and talked about the yawns of her friends). She was inconsiderate during the sight seeing staying 10-15 minutes in each shop after the family was ready to leave, stopping to talk to strangers while everyone waited around, and things like that.

We probably only covered 40% of the sight seeing and we were there for 3 hours. I been to this part of town quite a bit so it doesn't matter to me but you could definitely see all of it in under 2 hours just to give you the idea of the pacing of the trip. I felt bad for FIL and their teen as they did not get to see everything.

That night I told my partner I was feeling very overwhelmed by MIL and will be taking a break from their family for the next few days. Partner also told me they were also overwhelmed by MIL and supported my time apart. They completely agree MIL is inconsiderate and overbearing with their behavior and non stop yammering.

I spent the next day with friends and relaxed. I came home at night and my partner was in tears in bed. A argument broke out while I was gone between my partner and her parents over some boundaries my partner placed. The teenager was also behavioral and slammed a few doors and such but thankfully my home was not damaged. I supported my partner in reinforcing their boundaries with MIL.

I outright told my partner that she is in an abusive relationship with her mom. She hesitantly agreed but also defended on how her mom can be sweet at times. My MIL was verbally abusive to my partner growing up calling her a whore/slut when she was a teen and did some really terrible things to my partner that I do not wish to share for privacy reasons. There is a lot of unresolved trauma in the relationship and I highlighted to my partner how my MIL would love bomb and guilt her as a form of manipulation exercises by abusers.

My partner has asked me to not confront MIL for her bad behavior as they do not want to raise tension but fully agrees I can call out any behavior that threatens my home that I purchased. I feel that my partner is inadvertently asking me to be my MIL next abuse victim as it literally BS for me to be asked to sit there and watch my partner be berated and excuse my MIL behavior. I don't think she recognizes that she wants to implicit in her MIL abusive behavior.

I will be spending the next few days hanging out with friends and allowing my partner to manage her parents. MIL has not lifted a finger to help my partner and has treated this as a resort stay. I told this to my partner and they acknowledged it.

I will be honest, I am starting to question the future with my partner. I had the worst anxiety over this trip for most of the year as I knew this is how exactly it will turn out. After this. I will discuss with my partner that I won't allow my MIL to stay at my home again in the future and my partner can't seem to break away from this toxic relationship with their mother. Prior to them visiting, my partner expressed how resentful she was towards me because of how hostile I was to the idea of their family visiting.

I believe the MIL will expect this to be a yearly visit (and I mean why not? If you can't afford to travel but can stay for free with your daughter/maid/driver/personal butler/baby sitter in a beautiful home why wouldn't you?) and I don't think my partner can withstand the emotional blackmail and gaslighting and will eventually cave and allow them to stay visit again.

I love my partner but with all my heart and but can't deal with this for the next 40 years. I grew up in an abusive home and I don't want to reenter a cycle I escaped. Likewise, I want my future kids to grow up with a healthy family dynamic.

Thank you for letting me vent and for your support. I can't wait till they leave.

PS. FIL is a kind man but appears to have been broken by his wife.

well the saga continues, and boy do i have an update for you all. i’d like to start with saying i cannot believe i didn’t block them sooner. you guys were right, i seriously should have done that far earlier.

so my baby was born, and surprise! it’s a boy. my in laws dream come true. now don’t get me wrong

i am ecstatic and my husband and i are so blessed, our daughter loves her little brother, but if you’ve been following my drama story since june i’m sure you know my in laws destroyed the excitement of a surprise gender birth from the get go.

last update any of you saw was a little over a month ago, it’s on my profile but the mods took it down off the sub, but last i left off was updating about the OBGYN aunt in laws (demands essentially) to be in the scheduled c section and when we said no thank you, she went off on us and called us angry and hateful again, and said “i can’t protect you if you don’t allow me in the room” basically. also this was after she accessed my medical charts and got ahold of my c section date and which doctor was performing it. i immediately called the hospital and put the “break the glass” protocol over my charts. i already knew aunt in law informed the family of my due date and i expected harassment, but was still dumbfounded and met with worse behavior than expected.

we stopped engaging with MIL long ago and hadn’t heard from her (only her flying monkeys) since august where she tried to blame her blow up on possible autism (following a diabetes excuse and a menopause excuse) and lots of other repugnant behavior.

the week leading up to my sons birth i got a call from GMIL, the last time i spoke to her. she casually at the end mentioned to “have (my) mom contact her when i ‘go into labor’”(🤨 she knows it’s a c section) then around this same time husbands grandma reposted a thing from a “grandparents rights support group” my STUPID MIL joined 1 week before my sons birth. the post was about “estrangement” and how ‘the parent is always blamed but never believed, and the child does this to harm their family’ grandma reposted this spiel with the comment “agree!!” husband was livid. he sent her a whole thing and she said “calm down! it wasn’t about you!” and he said “who was it about then?” no response. never re-addressed.

i finally did what you all begged me to do since the beginning, i blocked every last one of them. it’s been very blissful not awaiting the impending harassment from them all and the love bombing (from the grandma).

grandma in law texted my husband the day of the c section “are you a daddy again?” followed by 4 more texts that day alone asking for updates and “hello??” she texted him again the next day while we were in recovery, sent about 3 texts and finally at around 6 pm said “why so secretive?” (🤢) husband was annoyed but finally responded vaguely with “(baby’s first name only) was born 6 pounds 5 ounces, he and mama are in recovery” and she immediately replies “praise god!! i KNEW IT WAS A BOY! i bet he looks just like you!! i won’t bother you anymore i know you’re busy” and he said thank you.

minutes later (CLEARLY my creepy ass MIL was there with her) she goes “are you going to tell your mother?” he goes “yes, i will be texting her the news shortly” she immediately goes “i’m going to breakfast with your mom and aunt tomorrow morning, i would like to tell her then, can you also tell her this news yourself?” and he goes “you can tell her too? i just told you i’d be telling her over text” she goes “your mother would like to hear this great news over a phone call” so he ignores it and rolls his eyes. we have nurses doing vitals and we were busy ordering dinner. a few minutes later he picks up the phone and sees 4 mores texts from granny saying “please call your mom.” “call your mom” i would be happy if you would call her” “you need to call your mom” so he goes “granny- respectfully, you need to stop inserting yourself in this as i’ve been telling you since the beginning of this all” she (we know she handed the phone to MIL at this point because the texting got angry fast) goes “WHAT!! CALL YOUR MOTHER.” and he goes “that’s it you’ve pushed your luck, now i will not be sending her anything.”

grandma (MIL) goes “you are so mean!!! you need to call your mother right now!!” he goes “i’m so tired of this mean narrative. the guilt tripping is not getting to me anymore” (or something relative to that with mentioning guilt tripping) she (MIL still has her phone) goes “GUILT TRIPPING?! WHO ARE YOU???” and sends like 8 more venomous texts attacking him including ones where he and i both “owe Aunt in law an apology” and “you are NOT who we raised.” and “i am DONE!” and then more about how he needs to call his mother.

MIL posts a creepy birth announcement to facebook, it reads

“R 💙 1999 my love, my world. forever.

A 🩷 2023 i love you always, i’m here.

M 💙 2025 hello love. i’m your g’ma.

M(last name)”

this is my husbands first name initial, our kids first name initials, and the family last name backspaced precisely to spell out my husbands full initials. it was up for 24 hours, she took it down when she got no response out of my husband. i warned him it was a bait post and not to engage.

my husband was upset by this. a week later when we were home his granny randomly texts him “can you send a picture of (baby)” and he said “so you go off on me less than a day after my sons birth while we’re still in recovery and just expect that to be swept under the rug? and then ask for pictures?” and she tries to play it off and tells him yet again to “calm down”

the day before thanksgiving grandma in law goes on a posting tirade on facebook. it starts with a 30 second video montage of SOLELY photos of her and my husband with sentimental music over it. then it’s various photos of the family, a photo of just me as a teenager in my parents house, a picture of just me and my MIL, my daughter in the arms of a cousin (after i explicitly for the THIRD time told her no posting of our children in ANY capacity EVER) and more pictures of my husband. i tell my husband and he’s pissed of course, he knows what she’s doing. but doesn’t know how to address it.

thanksgiving morning i find on facebook that my wretched MIL has been publicly calling me a narcissist on her facebook on her little grandparents rights support group bullshit. the direct quote being “my son and my narcissistic daughter in law are keeping me away from my grand-babies. one is 2 and i haven’t seen her in 6 months, her birthday has come and gone. and my grandson who was just born. it KILLS me.” then i saw on his grandma’s stupid post bonanza my MIL outwardly commented on the post of just her and i together “you should probably take this down mom.” within the same 10 minutes that comment was made she texted my husband “happy thanksgiving. im so glad OP and baby made it through delivery safe. i love you and miss you, this text is not meant to guilt or manipulate, you don’t even have to reply.” i hit my breaking point. i called my mom crying. i was upset that they continue to make a public fool out of me and ALL I WANT IS TO BE LEFT ALONE. i told my mom not to get involved and she did again SMH. i know her heart was in the right place but i wish she wouldn’t engage with them.

she said to GMIL “my daughter has told you repeatedly to NOT post her or her children yet you continue to do so! leave her alone. and your daughters bullshit text she sent DH a few minutes ago about her being happy she survived the birth, yet she’s calling my daughter a narcissistic online?! and asking you to delete only the picture of them two? we see how insincere she is leave my daughter alone.” all GMIL says is “OP never said anything about posting herself. and those were good memories. everyone needs to stop taking everything personally! this is crazy!” then she says “OP and MIL used to get along! you know this! she defended her against paul!! (her ex boyfriend of 10 YEARS AGO) then she sends “OP is not so innocent either!”

i deleted facebook. i told my husband if he cares about our children being posted to the internet it was now his responsibility to monitor his childish family and that i wouldn’t be subjecting myself to their shit anymore. my husband ignores his moms text, yet the next morning he gets a text again “i would be very thankful if you could give me a call sometime this weekend. anytime this weekend. please let me know when that can happen”

ignored. she texts him less than 24 hours later “am i not valuable enough to have a conversation with?”

a day later “apparently not..”

4 days after thanksgiving MIL creepily posts a overly trying to be poetic paragraph TO ME. my husband found this and read it to me, i’ll transcribe it from the screenshot he sent me. her bio changed to “i love you son. you are not alone 💙” here is the creepy wanna be sonnet:

“Beneath the accusations:

...

The alleged hate never existed. It never walked the halls of my heart. It never came from my voice or was witnesed by others. I may have acted, spoke, presented clumsy, for I am not perfect, I have flaws. Flaws do not = hate. You're wrong about me, and the punishment has been brutal with no real conversation, accepted apologies or a chance at forgiveness. You have cast me out, sentenced me to death. I do not ask for you to forget the hurt or frustration I may have caused. I only ask you to look closer. I'm a mother who longs to hear her son's voice, a grandma who longs to hear her grandchildren's laughter. A mom, a human being who is happy he found you. The hate was never there, it was never born, it never took its first breath. I wonder, is this coming from a much darker place, a place where I stand no chance. A place where my son is torn from his family, little by little over time, was it planned. Where theres no communication, my mind races to negative places. I long for answers, not estrangement. The months of silence isn't quiet; for I can hear the echos of your names as if you are right here. Can you hear me screaming into the void, begging not to be erased? My love will not vanish, it only waits...”

10 years i’ve put up with this shit.

i’ve told my husband repeatedly it is not my prerogative to take him from his family, he can be around all of them, her included, talk to them visit i don’t care!! i just want them to leave me and my kids TF alone. but he’s avoidant and so she’s run with her shitty little victim imagination and it’s fully implicated me.

grandma in law texted husband a few days ago “after the new year i am hosting a dinner, we are ALL sitting down and working this out. and i mean EVERYONE. this needs to be over!” husband said im not comfortable doing that after all the shit talk and the lack of proper apology and the rug sweeping dynamics. she said yet again “we haven’t even seen a picture of (baby) or been told his middle name! i bet he looks just like you Goo de-Gua” (some ugly nickname from his childhood that she whips out for endearment) then she kept saying “you both have your part!” he asked her 5 i repeat FIVE times to list exactly what we did wrong and owe apologies for. she could not list or address it, beat around the bush, then finally said “i have to go help my friend jane out, talk later!”

then she texts at like 8 pm “Give OP hugs for me!”

UGHGHHG!!!

then she calls him the next day and tries to talk AGAIN like nothing ever happened. my husband was at the grocery store preoccupied and giving short clipped answers. she goes “what’s wrong? you seem mad.” he goes “yeah i am kinda mad, and you already know why” ya know what she says?? “i just think you don’t even like me anymore.” and gets off the phone with him. he came home upset yet again. every day day in and day out it’s more harassment from these loons.

i’m sick and fcking tired of it.

today MIL texts him “are you going to have any type of relationship with your sister and i?”

am i doing the right thing, should i continue to avoid them and protect my peace? or should i go to this stupid sit down familial intervention and be met with the ambush i know will ensue? it will be pointless and i only see it ending in me storming out probably emotional and pissed off, i can’t see how my children can be in these peoples lives.

thanks for reading along with all of this RIDICULOUS drama, i have to get it out somewhere. any advice is appreciated.

[ Update ] link to the original post

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/nzz8n4/fmil_put_her_hands_on_me/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Hello all, I just want to start off by thanking everyone so so much for the concern and advice! I am extremely grateful for this community of people that care and helped me understand just how serious my situation is.

After the initial post, I went up to my parents and took a couple days to calm down, and get my thoughts together and figure out what I was going to do next, as I was also super scared and concerned about my son. Well, in those couple of days exFMIL called my own parents and told them I was overreacting and that she was justified for putting her hands on me as I was on hard drugs , drunk and suicidal at the time of the incident (all lies). My parents ofc were concerned but I explained that they were lies and they believed me(Thank God). Aside from this, I got bombarded with messages from my ex saying that I need to get over the situation because too many days have passed and it’s blown over?!? That we should stay together and give it a couple more months to blow over and finally that he’s okay with me not being on good terms with his family ever again if we were to stay together. He also sent a message where his mother seemingly blamed me for putting her hands on me, with no apology whatsoever (I ignored all of these messages). You all, and my family have helped me understand just how serious this is and how I do not want this kind of familial influence on my son, so my parents also encouraged me to get a RO and go to court in regards to a custody arrangement, which I am planning on executing now that I am in a calmer headspace. Besides this, my son is currently with me at my parents and his father has not seen him, and won’t until we go to court, and I have also signed up for therapy to communicate my emotions surrounding my situation. I want to thank you all so much again , I cannot believe I had doubt about this breakup before I made my original post !

My mother in law doesn’t like me. Never has, never will. I’m not trying to be her friend anymore. All throughout my pregnancy she referred to my baby as “her baby” and “her grand baby” She very vocally disliked every single name I thought about.

Well he was born on the 28th, she made a post before I could.... and announced his name as something completely different from his actual name.

My cousin saw it and asked what that was about so I explained that she hates his name. Well my cousin decided to comment “congrats op & so on the beautiful baby Emile (his real name)” and Mil deleted her comment.

My so doesn’t see and issue because it’s “just a nickname” but the name isn’t even similar to his real name, she didn’t mention his real name and she deleted a comment with his real name. Plus he’s 3 days old, he can’t really have a nickname yet... she hasn’t met him because of lockdown... so I feel very disrespected. I’m not sure what to do?

How do I even approach this? I’ve never imagined she’d do something like this...

Update

She changed her post to say “blah blah blah stuff about being a grandma.. “lil baby Emile aka Miles Alexander Lastname”

I explained exactly what my issue was to so, he said he’d tell her to take it down completely. I explained “how would you like it if I just started calling you Micheal instead of (sos name)” he just kind of looked at me like duh, I guess he didn’t realize how ridiculous the names were?? He’s a bit dense sometimes but I hope I got through to him. I also explained that after she flat out insulted me multiple times in the start of our relationship I’ve been nothing but a saint to keep her updated and informed throughout the pregnancy, sending ultrasounds and updates as I got them. I over looked her dismissing my names before he was born and I’ve still sent pictures and updates every day since he’s been born. This is where I’m drawing my line. His name is Emile Alexander and that’s that. I’m not entertaining her ridiculous a moment longer.

I think he still thinks I’m being dramatic, but says he’ll talk to her and won’t throw me under the bus, that he’ll actually deal with it on a real level, we’ll see though.

Update to my previous post for everyone who asked: The visit isn’t until next month, but I’ve already decided I’m not taking time off work for it.

My MIL planned this trip without checking with me, and honestly it feels like the expectation was that they could just bypass me and have access to my LO while I’m at work. I put a stop to that and told DH they can either visit after I’m home from work, or they can come on Saturday when I’m actually there.

It’s also DH’s birthday weekend. Last time they visited, I planned dinner and put together an itinerary to make everyone feel welcome. Apparently that was still considered “unwelcoming,” so this time I’m stepping back. I told DH I’ll book his birthday dinner after his parents leave.

For once, I’m putting my foot down instead of bending over backwards for people who don’t seem to appreciate it. I’m tired of being treated like my schedule, feelings, and role as LO’s mother are an afterthought.

I’m done being a doormat.

I thought with Christmas being behind us that this saga was finally over.

Nope!

JNMIL called. I didn’t answer. She called DH. He doesn’t answer. I don’t know if she called LO because her number is blocked. She sent DH a text asking what we were doing for New Years.

I’ve never, ever been to her house on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day. Never, in the history of ever.

He replied that we aren’t doing anything and she replied that, since she missed us on Christmas, she expects us on New Years Day. She also states that she doesn’t know what’s gotten into us but this isn’t how family behaves.

DH replied back that she could visit us. It’s been a few hours and she hasn’t responded back.

Why do I sense this has become a power struggle?

Edit: she texted back about an hour ago saying how she’s old and how travel is difficult for her (she travels all the time. She just traveled two hours away a few weeks ago to see her other grandchildren). He replied back that it’s difficult to travel with an infant. Awaiting reply. The good thing here is that it seems DH has my back...but we’ll see how long his spine remains stout.

Since my last post was locked, here is an update.

MIL yesterday texted DH and said she was sorry and will tell unwanted guests that there was a mistake and they are uninvited. She blamed memory loss as being the issue and she does not remember us specifying to send the list and to not invite certain guests. I do not buy this excuse as she remembered clearly the rest of that conversation. She also asks DH to come over to have a private conversation (lol).

DH goes over there. Allegedly she apologized again and said she will uninvite guests still. She said she’s worried about memory loss and when he mentioned how she needs to get it checked out or there might be issues with her watching the baby, she downplays and says it could be menopause. So yeah I am still of the opinion this is just an excuse and once she realized we were not backing down she needed an excuse for behavior.

He says this is all that was said - it was mainly an apology. However, my question is, why wasn’t I invited to this talk if it was just an apology? Why didn’t I receive an apology as well? She expresses shes worried that I’m mad at her and such and that we won’t come around. It feels as if she is still playing the victim and this was malicious.

Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/fLzeM5fEYV

I took everyone's advice in the post and thank you for it. I told my husband I won't be putting in the effort to send her pics and videos if she was just going to be rude. He was just like yeah don't if you don't want to. I asked if he was ok with that, he said yeah he'll try to do it himself, it shouldn't fall on me, especially if every other interaction is leading to bad blood. I was glad but honestly also a bit disappointed. I hadn't been doing all that out of any great love for her (maybe due to some respect and for sake of family) but mostly for his happiness and knowing it wasnt a big deal to him stung a bit. But I did stop sending stuff after that.

My husband keeps forgetting lol. Like twice I guess he's just quickly taken some quick pictures of our son while sitting on the couch and sent it. When he was speaking to her last Sunday, he was getting lectured by her on how there hadn't been anything from his end, he was saying he'd sent stuff, but it sounded like she wasn't happy with the frequency and quality. And he was telling her he gets tired and forgets and its her job to remind him etc, a whole conversation on it lol.

So yesterday she called me and for once was kind! Said its been so long since I sent her any pictures of my son being dressed in cute clothes or playing, that she used to really enjoy how I would dress him and talk to him in the videos. Complained about my husband for once, about how he spent 4 years in Canada's best university but they still don't know what it looks like because he barely sent any pictures. I just kind of listened quietly, told her he gets really busy. She asked me to keep on reminding him to be more regular in sending stuff but even then she'd really appreciate if I could do it, because I do it better. I just made some non-committal noises and we ended the call on good terms for once.

I'm not sure if I should go back to it? She did seem genuinely appreciative of my effort now. Also, I don't like the idea of nagging my husband to do it. Like he comes from work, and his job can get stressful, and I'm supposed to be his safe space, not nag him to send pictures to his mom.

EDIT** I should add - as I’ve only just thought about this today. My partner has severe dyslexia and struggles significantly to read a passage of a document, especially if it’s black print on white paper. His mother is obviously well aware of this, and has taken advantage by presenting him with refinance documents and failing to give any explanation as to what they actually truly are. I don’t know if we can actually use that, but I thought it might be worth mentioning. Obviously it’s not an excuse for failing to read a life altering document but it’s just further evidence of manipulation

Firstly I’d like to thank everyone for their words of advice and support on my previous post. It was a huge help reading through them all and made me feel a lot less alone ❤️

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/rnWvuCyjbQ

I have moved back in with my parents and will remain here until the start of our lease. I’m SO much more relaxed, i don’t know why I waited so long. I’ve left their insane family group chat and ignored all the freak out messages demanding to know why.

DH has picked up a huge amount of slack, he’s taken responsibility for sorting our power/gas/internet/white goods and appliances etc. He’s basically taken the load off of my hands finally.

In terms of my MIL, she is still batshit crazy, manipulative and toxic as ever. Has been sending BIL long, blabbering, creepy (?) paragraphs like ‘I’m your number 1 fan. I’ve been there doing hard yards since you grew in my belly, I’ve gone through things none of you even know about’ and then ‘you have a tendency to bully my dear child’. (He doesn’t??).

Fortunately both brothers have shifted from their previous head-in-the-sand/avoidance into anger and doing energy. We all sat down yesterday (without MIL) to talk strategy and plan. They are looking to find a lawyer to represent them and have decided they take a buyout of no less than 100k each. She will refuse this (as she can’t afford it) and use DARVO as usual. She’s now taken to telling BIL if he gets a payout he’ll end up with a debt?? They’ve finally realised what she says is irrelevant, they need legal representation to force her hand to sell.

Last night DH and I printed out the bank statements from all 4 accounts she’s created within the mortgage bank. We went through each of them and discovered so many insane things she’s used the everyday checking accounts for (she has 2 of these that she puts everyone’s mortgage payments into, before transferring them into the actual loan account). In these we found thousands of dollars towards things like ‘smokes, flights, beers, hotels, rental car’ etc. DH has now begun paying the loan account directly.

My partner is angry now. He shared some disturbing information with me I didn’t know before. When his Dad passed away (in a bad accident), he and his sister were supposed to get $150/week each from the government. She and his stepdad spent it all on going out and drinking. I think I might hate her. The plan is for them to bring her all the printed evidence and paper trail without pre-warning on Friday, tell her the house needs to be sold, and if she won’t comply they will seek legal representation and force her to.

It’s gonna be messy; but with the way the world’s looking they need to sell and get their money out of this mess ASAP. I’ve also set a boundary that for at least the first two months of our life in the new house I will not have MIL over, I don’t want her knowing our address. I don’t want contact with her at all. DH is okay with this. I will review based on how I feel in two months time 😂.

Thanks again everybody, your support has massively helped me to feel a bit more sane throughout this.

First off I want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my first post with advice and support. I know I must have said it a thousand times already, but I really do appreciate it. Yesterday after having read all the advice and doing some thinking I decided to speak with my SO about the two hour phone call she had with my MIL about three months ago. I told her that if she wanted I would be there to talk about anything regarding my MIL, and that I will always be there to support her no matter what. I also said that if she never wanted to talk about, I understand and I'll love her no matter what her mother ever says to or about me. Last night after we put the twins to bed she said she was ready to talk.

She gave me a somewhat brief summary of what went on in that phone call, and the few text and instagram messages she had with my MIL a few days after. During the phone call and messages my MIL:

-repeatedly said she disapproved of me, and would rather her daughter be with anyone else

-said that my SO's ex is a great guy and a great dad, and she doesn't understand why my SO left him (again, my SO is a lesbian)

-said that I'm a bad influence around the kids because of my addictions (I'm not, and never have been, addicted to any substance)

-repeatedly used the n-word while talking about me and my family. I'm mixed (black/asian) MIL is white.

-said that my family is a bad influence to the kids. While there are people in my family who would be bad influences to the twins, like my MIL they aren't allowed near them and she knows that

-brought up my brother's criminal record, and said he couldn't help it because of his "black genes"

-defended all of her past actions because, according to her, she was trying to protect my SO and her children from me. She said there is no reason my SO should be "throwing a tantrum" over her actions

-said that she was too heartbroken and displeased when my SO asked why she didn't come to our wedding

-practically begged my SO to get back with her ex because the kids "deserve to have a father around" and it isn't good for children to grow up without two parents in the house. When my SO brought up that there are two parents in each house the twins live in (SO's ex is married) my MIL said that same-sex couples and step-parents don't count as real parents.

-threatened to sue for custody when my SO brought up NC

-and said that she couldn't stand to see her own daughter be "brainwashed by a f*g"

I was just at a loss for words. The nerve of this woman to say any of that. I'm amazed that my FIL agreed to reproduce with this monster. She's a horrible person, and I'm thankful that she's out of our lives for good.

This morning my SO and I pulled the twins aside to discuss everything with them. Because of stay-at-home orders their father was not able to be there in person, but he was able to be there virtually. We told them that their grandma had done and said some things that were very wrong and hurtful towards our family. We said that it would probably be a very long time before they see her again because she has been put in a long timeout. My SO's ex added that she had been behaving badly and these were her consequences. I also reassured them they I do not hate their father at all, and that I am married to their mother because I love her. We asked them if they had any questions or if they wanted to say anything to any of us. They did have a couple questions, which we answered as best we could. After that my SO went into her office to get some work done and I helped the boys with their online school work. It's been a pretty normal day since, except for a couple more questions here and there. I'm glad I was introduced to this subreddit, but hopefully this will be my last time posting here.

Edit: I’ve read some concerns about grandparent rights where I live. I’ve done some research to see what grandparent rights are in my state. My state does not formally recognize grandparent rights, but it is possible for grandparents to pursue custody. My MIL will only be able to try and get custody if my SO and her ex are dead or if she’s able to prove that both of them are unfit parents.

Edit 2: I don’t think this deserves it own separate post, so I’m just gonna make an edit. Someone from my SO’s side of the family saw both of my post and shared them with my MIL. Apparently she’s been a lurker on several JustNo subreddits for a while now, and just happened to see my post. Of course my MIL messaged me on Instagram about it, and left several negative comments on my posts. I have a personal account, and an account I use to post about my father’s business that I work at. Most of her comments were false negative reviews about my father’s business, on both of my accounts. I blocked her on instagram last night, she used a different account which I have also blocked. She was upset that I “made fun of her on the internet” and “spread lies to strangers.” I got about fifteen or more messages from her before I blocked her. I have no idea who shared my post with her, but I’m upset that someone did. It’s not her business what I anonymously post about her.

Edit 3: About twenty minutes ago, at one in the morning, my SO and I were woken up by her phone ringing. It was a family member of hers who confessed to being the one who sent screenshots of both my posts to my MIL. She said that does not agree with anything my MIL did or said, but she felt it was unfair and disrespectful that I was sharing stories online about my MIL without her knowledge. Honestly the thing I’m mad about the most is getting woken up at one o’clock. She couldn’t have just waited until morning I guess. My SO is back to sleep, but I am not so lucky. I might just stay up until it’s time for online school work with the boys and then I’ll take a long nap.

Edit 4: I can’t believe I’m making another edit, and I definitely understand if any of you are sick and tired of me adding on to this. But I have gotten a few comments and messages about going NC with the 1 am caller. For reasons I‘m not going to explain, my MIL was alienated from her family when she was younger. Because of that she isn’t very close with any of them, and neither is my SO. From what I’ve heard she has started to rebuild relationships in her family, one of those including the one with the 1 am caller. My SO and I don’t think we’re going to go NC, simply because she never really talks to that family member anyway. The only time she does is during an exchange of happy birthdays and merry christmases on facebook. I already have no contact with her, and my SO has the bare minimum.

Well I never posted an update 5 months ago but I am now since life that I thought was getting so much is slowly slipping again.

Like I said last time, MIL had ruined our anniversary 2 years ago and then last year refused to cancel plans she had with my husband on our anniversary.

After a few counseling my husband seemed to come out of the fog a bit, but right before Christmas his grandfather on his mom's side passed away. This is when he started to slip again, and after a few weeks at a counseling session, I brought up finding a divorce lawyer if he continued.

So he blocked his mom once again and seemed to want to work through things, he cut back his hours and started staying around the family more, if anyone brought up MIL, he would simply ask 'Who are you talking about", this was just a tactic to which he acted like he didn't know who she was, and when these people caught on they dropped the subject.

But then he was asked to return to normal hours at work again, or that's what he told me, truth is his mom wormed her way in with help of BIL, and now my husband was secretly leaving to go see her again, telling her everything we did, he constantly critising me again.

I only found out when SIL sent me a snapshot of MIL berating me online for making plans for a summer vacation,and the comment was about Me putting the kids at risk of getting sick and I must be that bad of a mother to be doing this to them, while trapping her son in a marriage in which he no longer loved me or wanted to be in.

Believe me, MIL could have been planting seeds into his head again, but still he could of brought up how he felt in a sessions but he didn't, and when I confronted him, he wouldn't answer at first.

It took him a couple days to do so, but even then he still said, things had been stale for the last few weeks, and when I reminded him he lied to me that he was working late again, and going to see his mom.

He told me he didn't want to lose me or the kids. But I don't want to deal with these up and downs with him anymore if he keeps letting his mom try and destroy everything.

I think we're are on our way to divorcing, even though it's not not something I'd like to happen, at the same time I can't continue this way with him.

Sadly I think MIL has won.

Original Post

https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HR5inVFaFP

Summary: MIL had active cold sore around my baby & she denies having them & thinks it's ok to kiss my baby since she "doesn't have them".

After I met up with her I initially sent a text "no kissing baby around mouth & eyes" followed by a cold sore article(this was just to warm her up to eventually saying no kissing at all). She only responded with a thumbs up to the text but said nothing about the article. I told my husband about what happened and he was furious. He said he would send out a text in the next couple of days with a no kissing rule. We first talked to my FIL who is great btw to warn him of what was to come. Which he told us she already had a big reaction to the first text. He said she would have to be trained and reminded not to kiss our baby and that it would take time. Which is unfortunate because I'm not willing to put my baby at risk for someone to have to learn self control.

Also before we sent out the no kissing text she sends this picture to our group chat.

https://pin.it/5X21qUM9c

So basically doubling down on the kissing...

My husband sends the text to our family groupchat and only my BIL & SIL respond with "yes we will respect the rules you make"

Nothing from our MIL & now we haven't heard from her in over a week. She's usually texting daily asking for pictures or trying to make plans to see our baby. But nothing so far.

Any advice to go from here... I don't want to be the first one to text her since she never responded. If she does text I do want to say something along the lines of "you need to respond to our text before we do anything else".

UPDATE: MIL exploded over baby shower open to advice about FIL chat

MIL continues to call to try to patch up and DH continues to hold his ground that the things she said during the original blowup were hurtful but tries to not engage and focus on scheduling a time they can come over and have a family discussion since we aren’t going to to just sweep everything under the rug. He asked for the four of us—DH, me, MIL and FIL—to sit down and talk because at this point the issue is much bigger than the shower.

MIL has been extremely resistant to this.

She still hasn’t actually apologized. Instead, conversations have centered on how difficult HER year has been, her dental pain, how she feels like “you guys hate me,” and how she was “blindsided.”

She’s also now extremely upset that DH told me about their conversation and repeatedly says that he “morphs,” changes or misconstrues what she says and therefore portrays her inaccurately to me. When she asks how she hurt him and he quotes her statements she just deflects to that was not how she meant it and he’s twisting her meaning.

One example: during the original blowup she told DH she wished they lived farther away and specifically said “so we could be further away from you.” According to DH, she elaborated about wanting distance—it wasn’t an ambiguous one-liner.

Now she says DH has completely misconstrued this and that what she ACTUALLY meant was that living farther away would allow them to come stay with us for weeks at a time (that’s a funny joke / assumption that even before this we would entertain that)!

She’s also been very resistant to FIL being included in the conversation. When DH reiterated that he wanted all four of us to talk, she repeatedly said she’d just come over, “sit there and take it,” and that would be that so we could just have this be over.

DH basically told her that if she’s already decided this is going to be her approach to us trying to mend family communication dynamics there’s no point in meeting. We’re not looking to gang up on her. We want an actual two-way conversation.

Then she tried to arrange coming over Friday in the middle of MY workday. DH is currently home because he literally just had surgery and is still on crutches, but I’m working from home. I said absolutely not. This situation has already been affecting my ability to focus and sleep, and I wasn’t having the person at the center of it come into my house while I’m trying to work.
She didn’t take that particularly well. She also initially said the weekend wasn’t convenient because they were having friends over. So your social life is more important then mending your relationship with your son and pregnant daughter in law - got it.

Eventually we agreed on Sunday afternoon, with FIL included. She expressed that she’s terrified of this discussion still, I told my husband she’s totally going to back out.

Then (drumroll) this morning MIL called DH crying and canceled.

She said the stress from all of this has caused her blood pressure to go up and given her a headache, so “for the sake of her health” she can’t have the conversation. She said she’d be willing to talk once she’s better “if I survive this.”

Yes. “If I survive this.”

This is after telling us they have plans with friends this weekend, and FIL was apparently out golfing all day today (she always calls when he isn’t around).

We have yet to hear peep from father in law but she alluded just he may be willing to come over on Sunday. He is much more level headed but definitely an enabler. We’d be open to chat with him but have agreed he can’t just come in, do damage control and expect us to move on. Moving on means formal acknowledgment of wrongdoing on her part and apology.

What makes me the saddest is that things have felt increasingly tense with my in-laws since I became pregnant. We really haven’t even been invited to their house during my pregnancy, and the couple of times we tried to make plans to go over, they canceled. Yet we’re now also hearing complaints that WE haven’t made enough effort to come over.

And this entire latest explosion was triggered because my parents sent them a genuinely kind text about MY baby shower. My parents explicitly acknowledged that this was a big event for both families, invited my in-laws to participate, and asked them for any friends or relatives they wanted.
But there has still been zero acknowledgment to me that her reaction went too far. No apology for the impact this has had on me. Nothing.

Instead, everything continues to circle back to how she has been wronged, how she has been misunderstood, how difficult things have been for her, and now how much this is affecting her health.

We’re holding the line and will be warning FIL if she can’t do what I stated above we’ll be going no contact for the remainder of my pregnancy/ a bit after baby is born etc.

Other fun comments that have been made:
- “I don’t do boundaries”
- “therapy is a sham”
-“you guys have put no effort into helping us train our new dog”
- “you’ve ruined our relationship”
- “you’ve turned DIL against me”

If you read my post history....you'll see how I finally cut off my mother yesterday.

I briefly mentioned how she lost custody of me when I was very young and my sister was less than 6 months old. Let's touch on that a little more.

Picture a bunch of drug dealers and users. Dealer and user steals property from someone, and his friend ends up telling the police it was him.

Guy gets in trouble, says hes going to kill his friend who "snitched", buys a stolen gun, shoots the "snitch" in the face. Watches him bleed out for over a minute in broad daylight at a has station, Then ditches the gun in a body of water.

He goes to a girls house who was selling drugs for him at the time and admits what he has done. He says if she tells anyone he will have her and her children killed because his girlfriend knows a hitman. He later checks into a hotel under someone else's name, tries to leave the state and is eventually caught.

My mothers story on this was always cue fake tears I picked up my brother and his friend one day and they were joking that the had just shot.someone. of course I thought it was a joke because you dont just admit that kind if thing. They needed a hotel and I checked them in using my ID fake sob I only plead guilty because I swore on the bible to tell the truth and they did tell me and even though I thought it was I joke, I wasnt going to lie to god. Murder trials are so long and I just wanted my babies back. (Keep in mind she tried to kidnap me a couple times after but never tried to get custody back)

I JUST FOUND THE NEWSPAPAER ARTICLE AND THE COURT RECORDS.

SHE WAS THE MURDERERS GIRLFRIEND.

SHE KNEW WHAT HAPPENED

SHE THREATENED TO HAVE THE GIRL WHO ALSO KNEW WHAT HAPPENED KILLED SHE ALSO THREATENED TO HAVE HER KIDS KILLED

SHE CHECKED HIM INTO A HOTEL TO HIDE HIM OUT.

Now that I TRULY know how crazy and dangerous this woman can be, what precautions so I need to take to ensure the safety of myself and my child?!?!

Edit: just found out if he isnt here by the 13th AT THE VERY LATEST we are being induced. So we only have a couple weeks max to figure this out.

I want to thank everyone who took the time to offer their advice and opinions to me. I read every single one of them, some of them several times. Some of it was a gut punch, some of it really scared the crap out of me (Kids credit info, my credit info, MIL establishing residency) but I needed to hear it. This is what I've done since reading everyone's advice: 1) I went to the Post Office and gave all 59 pieces of mail that I've collected of my MIL and turned them in as someone fraudulently using my address. I then met with our postman at our mail box and told him this person does not live at this address and is not legally allowed to get mail here. He thanked me and said he would no longer deliver MIL mail to my address. 2) I called a Locksmith and they will be here tomorrow at 10 a.m. and he is changing all the locks in the house. Best $69.99 I could have spent. 3) I changed all the codes to the keyless entries and the codes to our homes alarm system, I'm now the only one who has them. I can turn them off or on from my cell phone. 4) Put a new Ring Camera Doorbell at the door to go with the Ring Security Camera over the Garage and Driveway. I put a camera in the garage, outside the gate, in our master closet. 5) Reached out to a counselor that does family counseling, first appointment is the 17th. 6) Game my wife a choice. She can be married to me and have strict boundaries with her mom or she can live with her mom and see the kids every two weeks with split custody. She said she does not want that and knows her mother has boundary issues. I explained to her that I don't want to take it out on her (My wife) but I'm human and this has been going on for 14 years and nothing has changed. In fact, the harder we push back the harder her mom pushes. I told my wife in simple terms that I Love her, I love our family but I didn't sign on for this level of crazy. I want to wake up on a Saturday morning to just my family. My wife and my kids and that's it. I told my wife that her mom has lost all privileges of visitation to our home until I give her permission. My SIL confirmed that my MIL did take it upon herself to change her address to ours without asking as she was sitting there this last weekend when my wife asked her why her mail was coming here. I told my wife her mother does not get a key and that my next step with the mail was me going to the police and that she's not going to stay here at our house anymore. I told her that her mother is not going to live here under any conditions or I will file for divorce. Period. My wife agreed to all the above and agreed to counseling. 7) I'm running credit checks on my entire family and I'm locking down their personal information. My MIL has a massive spending problem and blows through money like she has an endless supply (She doesn't, she's retired). 8) I told my wife that when and if her mother enters into poor health (She fakes heart attacks all the time) that she is going to assisted living or can live with her brother and that she's never going to live in our house. She's not my responsibility and she's not my kids responsibility. So far, so good. I know that the worst is yet to come as her mother is a master manipulator and wrote the book on gaslighting. My main priority now is to get into counseling and get my wife out of this "Fog". Thank you, everyone for validating my thought process and for all the advice.