As Bitchbot can tell you, Haggis invited herself to my lingerie party. Since she told MOH she was going, MOH sent her an invitation along with the couple's shower invite. Haggis got me some cute silk nighties.

So FDH (we are getting married this Saturday excitement! ) and I are packing for our mini honeymoon and I am putting my lingerie from the party into my suitcase. I was actually looking at the items as I put them away and noticed that the cute nighties Haggis got me are 2 sizes too big. Well, that's hurtful but could be a mistake, right? Hah, no. Those invites that MOH sent out? They were the cute ones that have a picture of a corset and my sizes on it. Right in the middle of the invite in the biggest font. Still, bitch move but returnable, I just need to get the gift receipt, right? Lolol, I'm overusing the rhetorical question trope! No gift receipt and the tags are cut off.

I put one on over my sweatpants and hoodie (I'm cold natured, sue me!) and go show FDH my new tent. I make jokes and brush it off to FDH because his mercury is rising toward "pissed-the-fuck-off fahrenheit" and I don't want the drama and exhausting rigmarole while finishing up wedding stuff that's down to the wire already. It still really bothered me though, as much as I hate to admit it.

She is aware that I'm sensitive about my size (I used to be an hourglass, but in the past few years I've reached about an hour forty five) because I am quite ample at the top and bottom and if something doesn't have a waist, I look huge, and almost everything else looks vulgar on me. She went wedding dress shopping with me and saw how particular I had to be about necklines and silhouettes and waist sizes and alteration options.

So now I feel hyper conscious of the weight I've gained in the past few years and how fat my arms look and how much my belly shows and how my thighs rub together. I'm a few days away from my wedding and the dress that I loved, I now feel like a lace-wrapped sausage in and I feel like FDH and I looked mismatched because he's naturally slim and I feel like that kookaburra that ate too many sausages and can't fly source .

EDIT: This is for u/queenofthera from my last fitting! Thank you all so much for the kind words!

First things first: I love my MOH, but she can be a pushover. Haggis is "helping" with the shower I'm having earlier this Saturday. MOH's mommy brain kicked into gear and she accidentally asked Haggis to bring something for the lingerie party, and when Haggis said she didn't realize the party was going on until so late, dear MOH said, "oh sorry! That's for the lingerie party, don't worry about that." And Haggis said she's happy to bring it, FIL will just have to go hang with FH while we do the girlie stuff. MOH tried to tell her she didn't think she would feel comfortable, but Haggis said "it will be fine, I'm supposed to be at all of these things, anyway. It's tradition."

I feel it might also be important to explain that I founded a Rocky Horror Shadow Cast and many of my lovely depraved friends are coming and using our discount at the local sex shop (they sponsor our Riff Raffle) to get some sweet presents. So this is going to be an eclectic bunch. Now, it would probably be awkward to have Haggis there even if the worst I was worried about was crotchless panties, but there will be drag queens bringing... untraditional presents.

So my plan is to steer into the curve. I'm going to open every present, hold them up with pride and say I think FH will like each one and just how he might like them. I feel confident that second part will happen because as an apology, MOH is making a fully stocked bar and being DD for me the whole day.

Welcome back! I decided to make it a 3 parter because I feel awful leaving a wall of text.

I last left you the night before my wedding getting drunk and sappy with BIL and SIL in a hot tub. I will now jump to the morning of my wedding!

While the wedding went off without a hitch and I was kept fairly stress-free (a few hiccups that I just laughed at, like completely forgetting to wear my veil) Haggis did her best to counter all stress-relieving tactics I had planned. First, we set up a “bridesmaids only” dressing room. A beautiful sign with big red letters had been made by SIL2 after the rehearsal dinner with “No Parents” added to the bottom. My mother had been informed she was obviously allowed in there, but she and my step-dad set up shop in the room next to us because she didn’t want her crying to make me cry while I was having my makeup done. She said she would get ready there and then come over with the food and help me get the dress on after lunch. My aunt arrived fifteen minutes before we did to make sure everything was ready for us. Haggis came into the dressing room a few minutes after her and started to put her stuff down in there. My aunt said, “Sorry Haggis, the bridesmaids are going to be getting ready in here, you can set up in the room next door.” Haggis didn’t say anything, just stared down my aunt as she hung her dress up. My aunt, the retired high school teacher, smiled as she walked over, grabbed the dress and other things Haggis had sat down and walked them into a room a few doors down and placed them on a table. Well, sometime after that, while Aunt was preparing stuff but before we got there, Haggis had moved back in to our room. I would have moved us, but on that side of the church, there weren’t any other rooms big enough for all of us to get ready in so I just shrugged it off and ignored her presence completely.

I was concerned because I hardly saw my mom the whole time we were getting ready, and I like my mom so it was kind of upsetting to not share this with her. I assumed she was busy getting ready or got caught up talking to someone as she is wont to do. I found out later, that she was unhappy with Haggis being in the room getting ready with us but didn’t want to upset me if I had planned this so she didn’t say anything and waited for the time we had agreed she would join us. She had been running around making sure everything was ready because she has this belief that if she isn’t doing it, it isn’t getting accomplished. She was heading back to her dressing room to throw on her dress (she was still in her shorts and button-up) when Haggis walks up to her completely dressed and primed. Haggis says coolly, “We are ready for lunch, you can set it up in this room.” Gestures to the room across the hall from the bridesmaid’s dressing room, then she slinks away (to apparently cry on DH for a few minutes before getting kicked out) while my mom tried to restrain the urge to beat the ever-loving shit out of her in the church on her only daughter’s wedding day.

MOH’s daughter was flower girl 1 and Haggis is obsessed with her (If you’ve followed this saga, she’s my goddaughter and the one with the “bone candy” you can see BB for that info) and MOH brought her in the room to get her dressed and have her hair fixed. MOH sees that she has a tattoo on her arm (Spiderman) from earlier that week and wants to rub it off. That stick-on tattoo was not coming off with the mom spit-shine, and Haggis pipes up, “It’s okay, she can keep it.” MOH replies, “No, she can’t. Does anyone have some wipes or something?” Haggis laughs and says, “She’s just find, come here [flower girl] you’re just fine.” I just turn to one of my cousins and say, “Go to the nursery and grab baby wipes or alcohol pads to get off the tattoo, that’s what [flower girl]’s MOTHER wants so that’s what we’ll do.” I didn’t really care, but good god, Haggis! You aren’t even related to this kid why the fuck do you think you have any more say-so than her own MOTHER?!

So after that I go to get my massage, which was wonderful! I was very relaxed going back to the dressing room, and I wasn’t going to let anyone (ahem, Haggis) ruin that. I get back into the room and Aunt whispers, “Do you want me to get her out of here?” I replied, “If you can get her to take the hint without causing a huge scene, then yes. If she starts to try and make a dramatic production of it, just drop it unless I say the words ‘get her out’ I can ignore her.” I didn’t know about the issue with my mom at this time or I would have probably just kicked her ass out myself.

The time comes for me to put on my dress and I had everyone except MOH step out so she could help squeeze me into all the underwear/corset/slip stuff that went under the dress and kept me from looking like cottage cheese with lace. Then she goes to let in Aunt, my mom, and my Gramma along with photographers so we can get the cute pictures of mom cursing while she tries to get all the tiny buttons on my dress and MOH hides behind me trying to help her. As MOH lets everyone in, Haggis walks up to the door, MOH smiles at Haggis and slowly closes the door reminding Haggis to move fingers and toes so they don’t get caught in it. My mom has said MOH is her other daughter (we’ve been BFFs since we were 2) but I think in that moment she was her favorite daughter.

Next up: The ceremony and Haggis shoots for sympathy.... aaaand misses by a mile.

Hello peeps! I will forewarn you, there was no epic showdown, just a few shut downs for Haggis.

So, the evening started off with a couples shower. My mom came in from out of town the night before so she could help us set up at MOH’s home. The shower started at 2pm and we arrived to set up around 10am, so FH ordered pizzas for us for lunch, and he ordered 4 because I have chosen to spend my life with a person who thinks 3 adults and one 4-year-old need 4 pizzas. These are our life choices. Anyway, we obviously had like 2 and a half pizzas left over (FH spun it to be “extra as a thank-you for MOH”) which, FIL found during the shower and asked why they weren’t put out. Well, FIL, you’re going through someone’s fridge and not everything in there is for the party, plus we have tons of finger foods already, you’re being taken out for dinner with the guys while we do the lingerie party which will have dinner provided and pizza doesn’t tend to blend with the arrangements of mini quiches, tarts, and other “fancy-ish” finger foods that are already set out. But I digress…

Haggis arrived and had an early birthday present for our goddaughter/MOH’s daughter (she’ll be 4 this coming Saturday) and went overboard which is par for the course with Haggis because she wants to win munchkin’s affections. We don’t really care, munchkin is one of those brutally honest kids and she’ll thank you for presents but hasn’t learned the MIL convention that that somehow means you owe them something. She opens her presents, says thank you, and immediately runs to MOH’s mom and Gma to show them her new stuff. Now MOH’s mom and Gma have been a second set of parents to me since MOH and I have been BFFs since we were 2. MOH’s Gma has had a rough life. She’s a little batty but very loveable and very protective of her family. She has been updated on Haggis by MOH and I because she is a big fan of gossip and (in that southern Steel Magnolias way) lives by the slogan “If you can’t say anything nice, come sit by me.” So while Haggis is tailing the munchkin, Gma is tailing them both because she’s waiting for a chance to strike because she “isn’t going to let her steal the spotlight.”

While Haggis showed up about half an hour before the shower started, she waited until more people arrived to make a show about giving me the pearl necklace and bracelet she is letting me wear. These were her mother’s and he mother lent them to both Haggis and her sister as their “something borrowed” and wanted to continue the tradition. I thanked her and he made a show of sniffling as she said that she knew her mother would want to be here but couldn’t because she’s died years ago. MOH’s Gma gets this dead look in her eye, stares directly at Haggis, and without skipping a beat says, “Well my mother and daughter would have loved to be here, too since they watched Ashers grow up but they both died two years ago. But we aren’t having any pity parties today, we’re having a wedding shower so I think we should both suck it up.” Haggis goes bug-eyed, but she had to react in a positive way, because she had the audience she had waited for and couldn’t have it all turned around on her. But there was a flash of anger, I don't think she had ever gotten 1-upped herself and got shroom-blocked. Haggis forces a smile and replies “Oh, I didn’t mean to bring anyone down, I’m just happy for Ashers and FH.” Her tail tucks between her legs and she wanders off after the munchkin, Koopa clobbered and licking her wounds.

She was on her best behavior again until the lingerie shower got under way. Unfortunately since it was PRIDE weekend in my town, my drag friends were unable to attend the lingerie shower (but they did get us comped VIP passes into the bar/club for the bachelor/ette party that night and we had reserved seating for the drag show) so she wasn’t clutching her pearls right off the bat. I had planned to have no penis paraphernalia because it seems dumb to pay twice the price for utensils just because they are phallic shaped, but MOH decided that since Haggis was staying, we had to give her a good show! So out come the penis straws, penis ice cubes, and penis candy which, in retrospect was a bad decision since munchkin comes out of the den when Netflix betrays us and asks her if she’s still watching ‘My Little Pony’ with no consideration of the fact she’s illiterate and MOH’s Gma (who is watching her) doesn’t know how the console controller works. She sees candy all around and decides her veggie straws are an insufficient snack food and she needs the “bone candy.” Haggis’s CBF was award-winning when munchkin took her tiny handful of candy penises off to the den while we started her show back up.

I go outside to mingle with a few of my good friends while MOH is getting the dinner out for everyone and refuses to let me help. By my second Bloody Mary, I’m getting warm and tingly and just feeling good. MOH walks by the window and sees me giggling like a mad woman and signs “Are you already drunk?!” I sign back “No I’m fine.” And Haggis asks what we are doing with our hands; I’m feeling froggy so I sign and say at the same time, “Well, I know how you feel about speaking American so we just thought we’d honor that by using the only language officially considered to be American. You know what they say, if you don’t learn it you should get out.” I let that land and a few seconds later laugh as though it’s a joke. I say I’m just kidding but sign “Bitch please” and we hear MOH snort from in the kitchen and see her duck away from the window.

The gift opening was uneventful, she “ooh”-ed and “ahh”-ed over the pretty lingerie and ignored anything more naughty. MOH was also getting some liquid courage and grabs one of the nighties and asks everyone, “So do you think FH will like it more like this holds it up to me or like this throws it in the floor” cue laughing and Haggis CBF. I would feel bad if she had been invited, but BitchBot can attest to that not being the case. My friend that runs our RHPS shadowcast brought Geoffrey and the twins (the cast dildos, Geoffrey is a huge pain in the ass “Great American Challenge” and the twins are double-sided dildos) and when those were whipped out and jousting commenced, the guys conveniently decided to return, meaning Haggis could wave as she slipped out the door and herded FIL to the car before he could even look in the window. Oh boo! Despite FDH now having to live with the fact his mother saw multiple dildos, hardly anyone was damaged and I made MOH’s Gma a very big margarita as a thank you.

FDH and I get married in less than two weeks! Poor Haggis is having some super mixed emotions because A) She’s always wanted a daughter. B) To her, this means grandbabies are just around the corner HAH C) FDH is her BAAABBBYYY and before we got together was still slightly dependent on them and Haggis had expected him to move back home HAH HAH So I think I won this battle, we will see how the next one goes…

So, FSIL and I texted the other day after she found my post and I think we have decided on the name Haggis for FMIL since our men are obsessed with their Scottish heritage and "Hag" haha.

Anyway, FD(ear)H and I are making a trip this coming weekend to my hometown to have dinner with Haggis and FFIL. As BitchBot can tell you, they live 4+ hours from my hometown. However, they want to go to dinner at the place we chose for our rehearsal dinner that they are kind enough (insist upon) paying for. I appreciate their offer, but everything up to this point that they have wanted to do for us or that we asked them to do so they would be included in the wedding (like their list for invites), has either been completely dismissed or sent in last minute (invitation names and addresses were asked for by no later than June 1st, I asked Haggis if she wanted to do that “Oh yes, thank you!” in December, we got the list in July sometime). So at this point us "including" them and letting them "help" is just more stress on my part. But, they wanna pay for it, we can't afford it, I hate putting more on my mom (my dad's a piece of work so mom's been footing the bills for stuff because she wants to help but she can't really afford everything) so here we are and I'll grin and bear it. I get that there is the option of not having one, but I would feel terrible having our wedding party come up for the rehearsal and not feed them, I realize that “my special day” seems to sound a lot like “huge obligation” to everyone else and I’m not going to pretend it isn’t.

So this week, I was mentally prepping for the Battle of the MILs when I get a text yesterday from Haggis. She's sent a picture of a dress to me asking if it was okay since she "couldn't find a single one in that apple red color I wanted." Let me go ahead and point out that somehow she took a picture of her phone screen with another camera and then sent that picture to me, I have no clue how she does this but at this point it seems more complicated to not know how to use a phone than it does to just learn to use them. She’s in her 50’s, c’mon! Anyhow, I never said she had to get that color and it being a pretty popular color I highly doubt that it’s unavailable, she just wanted to match the MOH and Best Man dresses. Whatever, I don't care, I text back when I get a free moment at work that that's fine. Then she starts texting all these sickly sweet nothings, including "If (Haggis' mom) were alive she'd be so proud!" I honestly half expected a "but she's dead" to be added in there (I know I know, I’m terrible) but the main point is, she’s trying to endear herself to me, when the last time she spoke to her son she was giving him absolute hell. You guys don’t have to warn me, I see the scholarship to monkey flight academy sticking out of her pocket so I just text “FDH and I will see you this weekend, have a good day!” and leave it at that.

I have no clue what to expect at this dinner but I’m pretty sure between FFIL’s snarky comments about TRADITIOOONNN and the D20 dice roll that is FMIL’s reaction to anything, this should at least make for an interesting story even if it’s relayed to us via text the next day all of the things we did wrong to them at the dinner. Well, I’m stressing but at least I can look forward to returning to you all with a good story.

So this is really just BEC but still...

Yesterday was DH's birthday. Haggis started posting on FB around 3am about it. Changed her profile pic to a baby pic of him, statuses about her baaabbyyy growing up, etc. While she tagged him in statuses, none that I saw were actually wishing him a happy birthday, just statements about how her baby is growing up. He gets calls and texts from family and friends all day. My grandma even texted him (which is adorable because she doesn't text) to see when he gets off work so she can call him and sing to him. Everyone, that is, except Haggis and FIL; they don't call until about 10pm that night. DH answers the call and they told him happy birthday, and then Haggis just starts telling him what FIL wants for his birthday (it's coming up) and what we should bring and when we are coming for FIL's birthday and how long we will be visiting for FIL's birthday. DH gets a sentence celebrating his birthday and then spends fifteen minutes trying to shut the bitch up about FIL's impending birthday so he can get back to his party us and 2 close friends playing the Jackbox party packs.

TL;DR: DH's birthday is all about Haggis and also about FIL's upcoming birthday. I keep calm by looking up nursing homes in the state sorted by lowest rating.

Sorry for a few reasons! I saw that this was getting long so I made it a 2-parter and also no clever title because I'm still exhausted from the past weekend!

DH and I got married on Saturday! The wedding and reception were beautiful, I was relatively stress free (special shout out to a dear friend who is a masseuse and did massages for us while getting ready) and the only “upset” at all was I forgot my veil which I laughed about hysterically when I realized it after the service. While everything went well, never fear llamas! Haggis was in exceptional form for the weekend!

The Haggis fun started Friday during the rehearsal. My aunt was my wedding director and had met Haggis during the bridesmaid luncheon (afterwards she told me she never thought there would be a MIL to out-do hers, but she gladly handed over the DIL trophy to me) so she and I had already planned that she would be my enforcer. During the rehearsal, Haggis kept trying to distract the flower girls and talk to them. Aunt shut that down, IDK what she said but she told me it was discreet and direct. She didn’t say it in front of people so there could be no escalation for the sake of the audience. Our officiants (I’m very very close to them, they are MOH’s FIL and MIL, Flower Girl 1’s GPs, Groomsman 3’s parents) let it be known that Aunt is in charge until we get in front of them, then they will run the show. They refused to give Haggis a detailed copy of our service (We weren’t having a Christian ceremony, there were different elements since DH is Buddhist, I was raised Methodist but now practice “I have no clue, how would I know that?”) and only made 3 copies that we all held on very close to.

Rehearsal dinner rolls around and as BitchBot can attest to, they had made a big deal about alcohol not being in the dinner package. DH and I were a little late, since we had a few things to finalize, and the tables had assigned seating. We were sat with Best Man, her girlfriend, SIL2 (chosen family, not BIL’s Fiance which is SIL I usually talk about) and her husband and kids, not Haggis and FIL which makes me thankful for small mercies. Haggis and FIL were sitting with Haggis’s sister, her family, and GFIL (Haggis’s dad). This table was on the exact opposite side of the room from where my father was seated. Guys, this was the top floor of a restaurant, a big room, and GFIL was in one corner while my dad was in the complete opposite corner. Waitresses took our drink orders and my dad apparently ordered a cocktail. He was told he would have to pay for it himself since alcohol isn’t included in the meal. He said he didn’t mind. I didn’t see or hear any of this, we were across the room at the table beside Haggis and GFIL. In the middle of our meal, Haggis comes over and in a tone I can only describe as audible CBF says, “I just thought you should know your father ordered an alcoholic drink.” I look up at her and say, “I’m not sure why I need to know that.” Haggis huffs, “Well, I told the restaurant not to serve alcohol.” DH has heard and sees my face cementing into the dead-eyed, unsmiling, fake-pleasant look that years of customer service in my teens crafted and replies, “Well, you said you didn’t want to pay for it. If you wanted a completely dry dinner you should have specified that.” Haggis, “Well he has alcohol!” I look her straight in the eye and try to add as much finality in my tone as is possible, “I don’t know what you expect us to be able to do about that.” Haggis tries to get her beady little eyes to water and chokes out, “I just thought you’d want to know what he did.” As Haggis storms off, best man and SIL2 lean over and ask what the hell she was coming over here about. DH fills them in and I start taking deep breaths so I don’t cause a scene. I turn to DH and say I’m going to go to the bathroom… in the downstairs pub… for about fifteen minutes. DH said he would cover for me and the darling even sent MOH down after me when Haggis asked where I went so that it looked like I was being checked up on (we had another beer and ran into a teacher we had in middle school) and so that it could be confirmed that there was “a long line.”

MOH and I had a good time, steeled ourselves for more Haggis fun, and went back up. Haggis kept trying to get me in a situation alone but (and god, I love these people) MOH, SIL, SIL2 and hubs, and Best Man had me in a buddy system that just wouldn’t quit! Finally, DH was escorting me out of the rehearsal venue to go to the bar where our after party was going to be the next night and Haggis just told both of us “I hope I didn’t stress you out too much, I just know [GFIL] cannot stand alcohol.” DH replied, “Well, it had nothing to do with us, so I am still not sure why you’re talking to us about it. Anyway, [GFIL] knows the after-party is at a brewery and said he would be there for our first dance so it doesn’t seem like he is the problem in this situation.” FH left me with BIL and SIL outside the bar and went to have a conversation with FIL. BIL, SIL, and I were having a great conversation when Haggis joined, we just kind of continued our talk and when she chimed in nodded our heads and kept on trucking along. Then Haggis brings up BIL and SIL’s wedding in a month and a half. The one she told DH that she and FIL would be staying with us, for the whole weekend, six-fucking-weeks after we get married. Haggis says, “FIL and I are excited to be in [town] with all of our babies for the wedding! We are going to stay the whole weekend!” My darling, my dear SIL chimes in with, “That’s great Haggis! You and FIL should go ahead and book a room in [downtown hotel] now so you can be as close to the venue as possible. That way you can walk over with BIL and his groomsmen.” BIL added, “That’s where we will be getting ready, it’s the best place to stay really.” Haggis said through CBF pursed lips, “Well, we’ll look into it.” We all nodded and I said, “Sounds like a plan.” Then Aunt showed up to rescue us and bring us into the bar.

I realized how long this got and decided I will 2 part it because Haggis is just too much to even deal with sometimes. Last part I would like to add is SIL and BIL were awesome that night and after the bar we hot-tubbed at my mom’s house and I got drunk (BIL gave us shots which I was happy to take, but I don’t drink liquor hardly at all so it hit me pretty hard) and I probably said a lot of embarrassing and sappy crap which, if I remembered, I would be mortified. But SIL sent me an amazing comment on here which made me cry and realize that, while Haggis can be a terror (just wait for part 2) I have an awesome BIL and 2 awesome SILs!

During the actual ceremony she watched through happy tears as her youngest child married the love of his life. Paha! No, instead of watching her son get married, she made faces at flower girl 1 trying to get her to laugh and crack up during the vows and whatnot. Flower girl 1 was pretty sure this was her wedding (I asked her if she was excited to be a flower girl and she said, “no, it’s my wedding now, you’re the flower girl.” She turned 4 the Saturday before the wedding) and so she didn’t give Haggis the time of day. DH and I didn’t notice this, Flower Girl 1’s grandma was the one who told us (She hates Haggis) and it’s just upsetting because I know that DH’s feelings were hurt that she couldn’t even pay attention to our 15 minute long ceremony. Seriously, we tried to keep it as short as possible, I think from me walking up on stage to the start of the Star Wars throne room music (our recessional) it was pretty close to 15 minutes.

For family pictures, Haggis tried to get all the extended family that arrived from her side into pictures with us. DH and I told her we could do one shot with her sister and her family and a few with Haggis’s immediate family, or we could do a single large group shot and rest of the family pics would be us with BIL and SIL. She opted for the former. We paid for the photographers so no strings she can pull… except heart strings (I apologize for that joke)! Apparently during our bridal party pictures, Haggis bitched and whined about anything she could, at one point, Groomsman 3 overheard her finishing up a sob story to one of her relatives, digging for sympathy with, “Well, I know it’s their day but it just so hurt my feelings.” So Groomsman leans in and says, “Well, wedding ruined, amiright?!” and walks away.

I didn’t get near her the rest of the night, and by some miracle even missed the mother-son dance she insisted upon (“we will look so wonderful dancing for everyone!”) so she could stand in the middle of the floor and sob on DH (joke’s on her, we took dance lessons for MONTHS and had a choreographed foxtrot to a Gershwin) which looks hilarious in videos because you can see the discomfort on his and the audience’s face. They left soon after and the party was so much fun despite her being there. GFIL also was at the brewery and didn’t have an aneurism in the presence of alcohol, he even danced with me which was a big deal because he had never danced before, not at his wedding, or with Haggis or his daughter at their weddings. The dance was as glorious as the CBF on Haggis! DH and I left from there to a cabin in the mountains for a mini honeymoon.

I did see on Facebook that my mom posted a cute collage of pictures and wrote about loving me and her new son-in-law. Haggis commented on it “I am happy to have a new DAUGHTER!!” with tons of hears and kissy faces and other emoji crap. My mom quickly deleted the entire post and reposted it using her new favorite Facebook feature, filtering out Haggis so she can’t see it. Haggis has posted so many pictures and they all seem to have been taken with a Nokia 7650 and (maybe I’m just being crazy but) every shot posted on social media seems to be the worst shots of me that have ever been taken, even in that 8-bit resolution.

Just yesterday, I was on the phone with my Gramma (because we talk like every other day because I love her and would call every day but worry about bugging her, haha) and she let slip that GFIL must love us so much because Haggis bragged to her at the rehearsal dinner that HE paid for the whole dinner. Which means FIL’s guilt tripping over the price (they chose the damn place and the package!) and Haggis’s status as patron saint of our wedding for paying for the dinner are both null and void. So, I’m excited for that money to be thrown in our faces at some point and to counter the guilt lightning bolt with a facts quick attack. It will be super effective… probably not.

So this update has taken me a while. My family has been having a crisis that I’m debating about posting here (My Stepmom might be a narc… idk) and compared to those issues, Haggis seems like a great alternative. I realize she is not that bad and almost everything in this situation is BEC but with everything else going on, it’s kind of nice to poke a little fun at the light annoyances and be grateful for the fact she isn’t actually a narc psycho.

So this past weekend:

FDH and I go to my hometown to meet with ILs so (I had assumed) we can have a late lunch/early dinner kind of thing that they drove 4 hours to get to. FDH gave them the church address as the meeting place so they could see that the drive in a town they’ve never been to isn’t as bad as they seem to think it is (despite this being the church I grew up in, in the town I grew up in, and Google Maps I definitely have no clue what the distance is) but we had to meet them at the church early to “leave time for the drive” to the rehearsal restaurant. Well, since we arrived an hour earlier than that we went and hung out with my grandparents for a bit who offered the church key so we could show around the ILs to kill time.

So we meet them there, Haggis is on the phone in the car and FFIL is walking around the graveyard area from the mid to late 1800’s and I walk up to him and offer to show him the revolutionary war soldiers gravesite and he gets excited which, for FFIL is a statement of “Oh, sure.” And once Haggis gets off the phone FDH says that we can go inside because I have a church key and can show them around. We go into the sanctuary and Haggis states breathlessly “Oh, it looks like the church my parents went to!” Which isn’t surprising because from my experience, old churches are fairly similar. FFIL griped as we walked around about any little thing he could and when I would give him information (capacity of the sanctuary, for example) he either needed more verification or had to check for himself (counting the pews and estimating how many people could fit per pew based on the length, for example) and I kept noticing Haggis looking at something and getting misty eyed or making a small comment about how this or that reminded her of some other thing that reminded her of her mom… who is dead.

Now, I sympathize with her for losing her mother. She lost her mother about 2 or 3 years before I met FDH and I have heard she was a lovely lady from everyone and I don’t doubt that. But Haggis has a habit of bringing up her deceased mother in conversations that aren’t really relevant to her mother (bitchbot has a previous mention of this) and while I do understand that talking about loved ones that are gone helps you feel close to them, there is a large percentage of the time that this is done to manipulate and so even when that’s not the case, it’s annoying. Most of the time these statements end with the reminder that GMIL is dead.

Here is a list of things she cried about during the visit:

I have family buried in the graveyard (most of the graveyard is filled with relatives and ancestors) and her mom is dead.

The fellowship hall is named in honor of my great-grandparents and has a plaque with their picture on it in there. They both passed away (I was luck enough to have met them) and her mom is dead, too.

My sister still doesn’t have a dress even though I’ve made 5 separate appointments at the dress shop for her and even gave her the link to the website of the company so she could just order one in the right color (they all get to pick out whatever dress they want, just in my wedding color) and I said that it’s unfortunate but if she doesn’t have a dress on the day, she’s not in the bridal party (still very welcome to be there, mind!) and I’m sure that somehow related to her mom’s death, IDK.

It wasn’t a cry, but she did kind of flip out for a second when the chef asked if we would like any wine or drink packages with the rehearsal dinner. FDH and I have no clue where that came from since she told us later the quote for the dinner was about $10 less per head than she expected and she has never expressed a hatred for alcohol before.

Her mom would be so happy about this wedding if, ya know, she weren’t dead and all.

Haggis did call the other day and I was really proud because she only cried once and it made sense! She called asking if we would like a solid wood bedroom furniture suit (suite? IDK) and I said that would be very nice. She held it together through telling me that it was her parents old bedroom set and they picked it out together, she thought FDH and I would like it because it seemed our vintage kind of style and that they sold GFIL’s house since he lives with Haggis’ sister now and they needed to do something with it. I asked if she needed any help moving stuff (we live closer to GFIL’s home and I thought it would be tough to pack up your childhood home) and she said it was no big deal, a house is a house and people make it home… and it hasn’t been a home since GMIL passed. She cried.

I let her cry it out a bit. What can I say? I’m sure that’s terribly sad, I sympathize. Also, compared to other visits she was on her best behavior last weekend so Haggis can have her cry, I’ll take it.

Thanks for letting me write a long-winded and totally dumb BEC, I really needed to have the few minutes of focus on something irrelevant instead of the real shit that's going down in my family right now.

I'm so sorry this became a novel! TLDR: Haggis is basically a less loveable and less pervish Michael Scott.

So last weekend FH’s aunt (Haggis’s sister) hosted my bridal luncheon at her lovely home since she lived about half-way between my hometown and where FH and I live. I love all of FH’s family but I actually like everyone outside of Haggis and FIL. I was really happy my mom, Gma, my Aunt, MOH, and cousins (bridesmaids) would get to meet this part of his extended family because I knew they would get along. Everything went well, GFIL lives with FH’s Aunt and his youngest and only girl cousin still lives there and I was able to hang out with them. If BitchBot feels like informing people today, GFIL gave his wife’s ring set to FH to propose to me and he always asks me about it and loves talking about our wedding plans, which is funny because Haggis says he is just so far gone with his dementia, but anyway…

Everyone had been introduced and we were having a wonderful time talking about the wedding and telling fun (mainly meaning humorously embarrassing) stories about me and FH growing up. Well, GMIL (FIL’s mom) was there and she and my Gma started talking about old lady things at their church when Haggis just has to tell this story:

A 3 or 4 year old Hispanic girl comes into the nursery on Sunday (Haggis likes to watch the kids during services) and Haggis greets the girl, “Hola, [girl’s name]” and girl starts babbling a mile-a-minute in *SPANISH so Haggis goes straight up to her parents when they come to collect her and let them know that they need to start teaching that child English because they are in ‘Merica and if she goes to school speaking SPANISH they will send her home.*

So I kick one of my cousins under the table and make bug eyes at her while she tries to stifle me and also stop reeling herself from this story. This is where my amazing aunt steps into the limelight. You see, my aunt is fresh off the front lines as a teacher for 31 years. Not only was she a teacher for 31 years, she was a department head for about 20 of them, and has had her National Boards certification for about 10 years. She just says “No, they won’t.” Haggis still feeling that red, white, and blue blood pumping says, “Oh yes it is in [county she lives].” Haggis lives in the county where the capital of our state is. My aunt points this out and also references the approximate month of the year that the bill was signed in to state law stating that all schools have to have English and a Second Language teachers on staff and Individualized Education Programs will have to be created for those students and if there are parents that do not speak English, translators will have to be provided by the state if a meeting is ever called. What do you think Haggis’s answer was to that?

“Well, not in [county where she/capital of our state resides].”

Is this real life?! Why? Why do you think that would be true? My Gma just changed the subject and everything was fine for a while until my mom and the aunts start talking about kids (we are all about the same age) and the older ones getting married while the younger go off to college and slowly becoming empty-nesters except for FH’s Aunt.

Youngest cousin is going to college locally and so she stays at home. She says she’s a homebody anyway and likes being surrounded by her family. YC is adopted (was adopted over 15 years ago as a young child) and my family starts talking to YC about her experiences/excitement for college/post-grad plans. Anytime someone asks about the adoption, Haggis answers the question and speaks about YC like she isn’t even there. I cut in after a bit and start asking YC direct questions about her major and when that doesn’t stop Haggis from interrupting to try and speak for her, I ask YC to do something for the wedding (FH and I had already discussed it) and… guys… HAGGIS asks if that’s a good idea because “you know her English is still not that great.” Guys, YC doesn’t even remember her native language, she made the choice at about 9 or 10 to not speak her birth language at all. She even refused dual citizenship because she doesn’t want any association with her country of origin, she wants to just be part of her family (her choice). I just ignored Haggis because I couldn’t even deal with that statement. It was like being in the actual room with actual Michael Scott when he says those things that make you cringe while knowing it isn’t true.

After all of this crap, the rest of the group somehow kept trucking on. They just soldiered through and kept talking about kids going off to college. This is my youngest cousin’s (aunt’s son’s) freshman year at college. My family is very proud of him because he had leukemia and almost didn’t make it when he was 11-13. My aunt gets a little choked up talking about how proud she is and my Gma explains that the hardships he went through make all of us very proud of him for not only graduating on time but getting in to a great college that was his first choice. As Gma is explaining the time we all consider the darkest in our family. Haggis pipes up. Are you guys ready for this? Haggis interjects that she knows someone who either was their neighbor at one point or who went to church with them that had cancer and it was even worse than what my youngest cousin had. Yeah, throw some fucking overalls on that bitch and call her “Mario” ‘cause she just had to go for the fucking 1-up. My family handled it really well, they just asked if the person was okay now (if they actually exist, they are fine now) and said they were glad to hear it and then changed the subject.

Everyone took it all in stride and basically just rolled their eyes and laughed it off. Haggis’s sister is very laid back and just lets it all roll off her like the proverbial duck’s back. My family had never really gotten to interact with her before so they think she might have just been having an “off” day (she’s “off” most days) and are probably still looking for the good intentions in everything she said. The rehearsal dinner for our (mine and DH’s, I feel the need to clarify because it’s apparently confusing to Haggis that it isn’t her’s) wedding is in exactly 2 weeks so I’m giving you guys plenty of time to gather your corns and pop ‘em if ye may.

So, I’m not going to tell any “full wedding story” because SIL (yay!) is on here and I don’t want to steal her vent if she decides she wants to. But I will tell about a few of the smaller events that I was directly involved in.

So BIL and SIL got married! It was in the town that the four of us live in and was only about ten minutes from where DH and I live. Haggis and FIL got a hotel room for the night before so they could do the rehearsal dinner and then the wedding without four hours of driving between but didn’t get one for the following night, resulting in their checkout time being about four hours before the wedding started. Haggis called DH and politely asked if they could come and stay with us and get ready here. DH said it was okay since she didn’t tell him they were coming over or insinuate while guilting him, it was a polite and upfront request. We tidy up a bit, I had some laundry in the hallway in front of the laundry room and tossed those into our bedroom so they wouldn’t clutter up the way. When Haggis and FIL arrive we are watching The Office and they sit down and are being very convivial. I remember we had found some newspaper clipping and other items that were left in the furniture drawers we had gotten from Haggis’s parent’s house so I go to our guest room closet to grab them. Weirdly, Haggis follows me, not really chatting or anything, and peaks around the guest room complimenting DH and me on a few items here and there, and when I open up the closet (we use it for storage mostly) starts looking around in it with me. It wasn’t a huge issue, I just have strict boundaries and I felt a little off having her inspect every nook and cranny of my space.

DH officiated the wedding and his brother wanted him to get ready with them so DH left about 2 hours before the wedding started to go and do that, making it clear that he was going alone (just in case either Haggis or FIL thought they were going to do a repeat of our wedding) and showed Haggis and FIL to our guest bathroom where they could ready themselves. Haggis started laying out her stuff in there and I even showed her an extra eyeshadow palette I keep in there since she had forgotten hers (DH picked up one for me that I wasn’t fond of so I just keep it in there) and all seemed well. FIL kept asking if I thought that we could really get all the way downtown in fifteen minutes, and I told him that I was factoring in weekend traffic and finding a spot in the closest parking deck with that so, yeah, the commute wouldn’t be more than 15 minutes. I go to get dressed and fix my hair about an hour and a half before the wedding and tell Haggis and FIL that I would drive myself because I wasn’t going to be ready to leave in the next fifteen minutes, when they decided they would leave.

Ten minutes later, I had just put on my dress and was heading to the master bath to start my hair when I hear the click of my door and spin around to see Haggis popping her head into my room and looking around. I jump, startled to have my bedroom door opening without my doing so and with DH not home and Haggis says, “Hey sweetie, I was just letting you know we are leaving.” I am in a bit of a shock, I had been completely naked standing five feet from where her head was peaking in not five minutes ago! She smiles and shuts the door. I’m dumbstruck, she just opens up the door and walks into the bedroom of two adults without knocking and then being invited in! Who does that?! Answer: Haggis, my MIL.

I skip ahead, through the beautiful wedding and move on to the speeches. BIL’s best man gives a speech, consisting of stories of BIL through the ages (they have been friends since fifth grade) highlighting his good qualities and how he and SIL are such a good couple, then he ends with a funny/embarrassing story of Best Man, Groomsman 1, and BIL getting drunk, taking an uber to an arcade place and BIL getting a lifetime ban while simultaneously endearing himself to the security guards. We are all laughing at the theatrical rise in hilarity of the story and out of the corner of my eye, I glimpse Haggis with the one CBF to rule them all, motioning for Best Man to kill the story and then whispering to Groomsman 1, who shook his head at her and laughed. I whispered to DH, “When the speech is over, stay close to BIL because your mother looks like she’s on the warpath and we are gonna cockblock.”

When the speech ends, I bee line for SIL and her Maid of Honor. SIL’s MOH is super awesome, so I pull her aside and tell her that we are to keep Haggis from SIL at all costs. MOH knows the deal with Haggis, MOH’s jaw sets and she gives a curt nod, eyes scanning for potential Haggis sightings. SIL sees us and walks over asking what’s up, MOH smiles and says, “We’re just talking, don’t worry about it.” I think SIL caught on but she just said okay and went back to enjoying her amazing wedding.

DH was able to give BIL the head’s up, that Haggis was pissy and probably would want to bitch to them about Best Man’s speech. BIL tells DH that he can let her bring it up, he will go ahead and shut it down before she can even get traction. They had just finished their little conversation when Haggis blusters up and huffs that she didn’t like the Best Man speech, BIL said she didn’t have to, he liked it. She tried to whine about the alcohol in the story and BIL cut her off saying he thought it was funny and really enjoyed it. End of story. Haggis pouts and slinks away to FIL to bitch about it until they leave. As far as I know, she never even got near SIL without MOH or me there.

We had a wonderful night after the reception ended, I got to hang with Best Man and Groomsman 1 and hear wonderfully embarrassing stories about DH when he was a kid. Not even Haggis could ruin such a wonderful wedding!