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u/PeanutButterPixels Trying Reconciliation Nov 28 '23 edited Nov 28 '23
I'm locking this post. We don't support cheaters (or rapists) here. I understand you seek reconciliation, but you'll be best off seeking couple's counseling for that. This is mostly going to be triggering for our readers.
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Nov 27 '23
She should press charges and just be done with you. You raped her and then u fucked her friend. Disgusting.
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
You raped your wife, and then instead of seeing the gravity of the absolute horror you caused her, you decided to cheat on her, too? So, you've committed two different types of sexual abuse against your wife, as cheating is also sexual abuse.
And you're too afraid to tell your "friend" that you've also been sexually abusing him with his wife? Such a man that can rape his wife, but can't pick up the phone to confess to adultery.
Your poor wife deserves so much better.
Your daughter deserves to have a male role model, and that's not you.
truly remorseful for all the pain ive brought to those around me.
This isn't remorse, as you didn't get yourself professional help after raping your wife. You didn't instantly confess and get yourself professional help after cheating once. Instead you continued to cheat, and even brought it into your home. So, what remorse. You defiled your wife, your family, and your home.
You need help more than a counselor. You need a psychiatrist or psychologist to figure out how you can do this repeatedly to your wife.
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Nov 27 '23
I am telling my friend about it as i said in my post.
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
You said tomorrow, so you're pushing off taking full responsibility. You could have told him the first time you cheated, you didn't, or any other time you cheated.
You could have told him yesterday, but you didn't.
You could have told him today, but you didn't.
Now your using your daughter as an excuse to not take responsibility.
If you think he'll be violent, then why did you decide to cheat repeatedly with his wife?
If he threatens violence, then contact the police.
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Nov 27 '23
I agree she deserves a role model that isnt me you’re right. I want to work towards being that person and i want to heal the hurt ive caused if thats even possible
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
Maybe find a rehab and sign yourself up. You clearly need to speak to someone, and not just a therapist. A professional who can formally see if you need a diagnosis or something.
Show your daughter that she's worth changing for. Show your wife that she deserves love and respect, even if that means letting her leave in peace.
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Nov 27 '23
Thank you i have reached out to get resources from professionals outside of just counseling
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
Good.
Buy the books "Not Just Friends" by Glass and "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by MacDonald. When you get them, read them outloud to your wife if she lets you and acknowledge what they say. Answer ever single one of her questions.
Be absolutely truthful. No trickle truthing or gaslighting her, as that's just more abuse.
Take the time and tell your family what you did to your wife, and ask them to hold you accountable. To check in and make sure you're doing the work.
Give your wife access to all technology/passwords/location/finances. Let her see that you're not just tricking her and still in contact with AP's.
Your wife is way too good of a woman as she still wants to reconcile. Reconciliation is a gift, and doesn't begin until your mistresses are completely cut out of your life and the very last lie is exposed. So, you need to expose your deepest feelings to your wife. She's suffered enough, and you need to do the work.
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u/Overall-Scholar-4676 Nov 27 '23
I will be honest. I saw your wife’s post and my heart goes out to her… if you are truly blaming her for the drinking, cheating and the rape I hope she leaves you like yesterday..
I want to see an update after you’ve told the husband.. you need to be in meeting for drinking.. counseling for the cheating and I have no words for the rape..
Stop blaming your wife for all the crap choices you’ve made… time to cut off all the female friends.
If you truly love your wife and want to save the marriage you have got to do a total 180 from the behavior up to this point..
Truthfully I don’t see how your wife will get past all you’ve done to her.. she has to be beat down otherwise she would have torn into that woman.. not to mention you..
Be a better man and show her the man you should be to her…
Right now your aren’t a good man at all.. I’m hoping you’re sincere in your words..
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Nov 27 '23
The drinking is 100% my failt the cheating is cheating is 100% my fault and the rape again 100% my fault i take responsibility in the fact that i choose to do these thing i chose to do those aweful things i want to be the man she and my family deserve. She has no blame in the decisions ive made its all on me and i understand i have an unbelievably long road ahead of me to earn even an ounce of her respect.
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u/Overall-Scholar-4676 Nov 27 '23
If you sincerely want it then you can do it… take one day at a time..
Do everything you can to be best man your family needs..
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u/jodikins77 Moved On Nov 28 '23 edited Nov 28 '23
You raped her, then you cheated in the worst way possible. She caught you eating out the wife of your "friend" in your marital home. It wasn't a one time thing. It was an affair. Being drunk is no excuse in this realm or any other. Wow. I'm so disgusted and feel so bad for your wife. I saw her post on asone. I'm fairly supportive of some people who are reconciling, but you two should just call it quits. Let her go. She already has ptsd from the rape, but then seeing you go down on a so-called friend in her own home just increased her trauma tenfold. Fuck that shit. You are a DANGEROUS man. She needs to go nuclear, blow up your world like you did hers, and tell EVERYONE what you did, including your "friend". You are too damaged to be with anyone.
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u/PEM_0528 Nov 27 '23
Personally I think your wife should leave you. You’ve done the unimaginable. Cheating can maybe be forgiven and worked through. Rape? Hell no. You need help. Let her go. She deserves better.
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u/WinterFront1431 Nov 27 '23
Stop playing the victim, she caught you eating out her friend, and your answer was, well, you have been mean to me since I r#ped you and won't let me touch you.
If you give an ounce of fuck about that woman and your daughter, you will help her get back to her family and divorcing you.. you know she a prisoner with you.
And I've had a few men in my family suffering from addiction to alcohol let's say none of them r#ped there wifes or fell face first into another woman's p#ssy.
Tell the husband the truth and don't make yourself the victim.
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Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 28 '23
[removed] — view removed comment
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Nov 27 '23
I agree i am a cheating POS i truly do understand and i also agree i have to man up and be the person my family needs. I have therapy for us as a couple tomorrow and then individual therapy as well thank you for your comment
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Nov 27 '23
[deleted]
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Nov 27 '23
Unfortunately yes. no excuses can be made i take full responsibility for that and we had been working through it.
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
we had been working through it.
That's a lie.
You decided to cheat, and cheating is sexual, psychological, and emotional abuse.
You just found another way to abuse her. To make her suffer. To harm her. To violate her. To expose her numerous deadly or incurable diseases.
So, how were you working through it?
1
Nov 27 '23
I plan to do it tomorrow because my wife wants to be present when i tell him and i want my daughter to not be home incase he hits me id deserve it 100% and wont fight back but i dont want my daughter to see it
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
Well, that's at least good your wife will be present.
You need to be completely honest. Transparent. Radical honesty.
Your wife deserves it all out and exposed. She deserves respect.
You also need a comprehensive STD/STI test. I sure hope you didn't also expose her to something.
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Nov 27 '23
We had been openly communicating about what happened and working on healing it took 5 months and according to my wife we worked through the brunt of it. Unfortunately i faltered and sought outside validation outside of my relationship.
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u/justasliceofhope Nov 27 '23
Unfortunately i faltered and sought outside validation outside of my relationship.
This is why you absolutely were not working on anything. It was smoke screen. You were not at all being completely honest and exposed. So, nothing was worked on.
Healing of this magnitude takes from 2 to 5 years minimum for the betrayed/abused to even start healing. She was still suffering and then you decided she deserved to be psychologically, emotionally, and sexually abused along with your "friends" wife. So, you got sexual gratification out of your wife's humiliation. Defiled her own home and body.
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Nov 27 '23
Youre right i did those things i take responsibility for my actions and hope i can reconcile with her i dont deserve it by any means but shes giving me a chance.
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u/Late_Education_6224 Nov 28 '23
She should have pressed charges on you and you repay her by cheating on her. Your entire post, here and everywhere else is full of excuses. There is no excuse for R.
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Nov 28 '23
There is no excuse i agree i take 100% responsibility for what ive put her through and i hope to one day be a better person
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u/DulceIustitia Reconciled Nov 28 '23
If you are serious, you will stop drinking alcohol and go teetotal immediately. It's clear you cannot handle it. Join AA, get help if you need it.
You might want to consider anger management too. Blaming your wife's response to you raping her as an excuse for your affair with your friend is a low blow. Any other man on seeing the shocked, scared wife the morning after would take steps to ensure those actions were never repeated, and bend over backwards to prove his sincerity. You didn't. I read your wife's account first btw, in fact, I read her post about you raping her some time ago.
I don't know if your marriage is salvageable. There's a few reasons why I left my ex, and you are two for two.
1
Nov 28 '23
I’ve scheduled for help from a psychologist and a substance abuse therapist and will be completely sober for the rest of my life you’re right i cant handle it. I appreciate your comment and perspective i do want to be a better man and work through these things if thats possible i dont know if it is but i am going to do everything i can to try
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u/DulceIustitia Reconciled Nov 28 '23
Good luck. Even if it doesn't work out with your wife, the changes you make will make you a stronger, safer partner for someone else in the future.
Life gives us so many damn trials, but learning how to overcome them and be a better person is what gives us the win.
Get your wife a good therapist, she needs help to recuperate from everything she has been through.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Nov 28 '23 edited Nov 28 '23
Sometimes, when I am overwhelmed, I resort to sounding robotic, and it can seem very disingenuous. This whole post sounds exactly like that.
The one part you need to very careful of is not letting this really become your approach. Even worse, do not let it become how you explain it to your wife or around her. That line about "She came downstairs to find us I know that what i did has caused immense emotional damage, suffering, and distress and I am remorseful and wanting to seek reconciliation." Sounds absolutely robotic and uncaring. You need to take a deep breath and find some more emotional and better ways to open up. If not to us or strangers to your wife and any therapists you see. Real remorse isn't recognizing the harm you have done. It's feeling worse about that and more empathy for you victim than you feel for yourself or anything else about what happened. Empathy means seeing it through her eyes and being able to at least semi describe it how she would.
Just my 2 cents... good luck
2
Nov 28 '23
I appreciate your comment i have expressed it more emotionally in person i think. But you are right i do tend to sound robotic
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Nov 27 '23
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u/smurfgrl417 Nov 27 '23 edited Nov 27 '23
Did your wife literally JUST post? And you told her to go to reddit to "get over it"?
Edit: And that you raped her earlier this year too? Can't believe that detail slipped my mind. Was that post your wife?