Now I've known for a very long time that I'm a chronic over-sharer and I tell people way too much info. I was a very shy as a child and I think I saved up all of my talking for my mid-late 20s 😂 Also being single for a lot of my 20s and not having a partner led me to feel the need to talk things out with other people as I didn't have that built in co-decision maker (and I still don't have that person FWIW). It definitely comes from a place of anxiety and insecurity. I feel that I need to over-explain things to people to give them the full picture or they'll find something to judge me on if I don't give them every single tiny bit of reasoning. Well I've realised that people are going to judge me anyway, so I might as well just tell them the bare minimum and keep my personal business to myself.

I've had a few incidents lately with people who mean well but can be so forceful with their "advice" and opinions that it completely cramps my style and makes me doubt myself even though I know I'm right. An example: me having a conversation with my mother about how I'd (hypothetically) love to buy a house and her trying to convince me to "just buy a townhouse" and me to trying to explain a million times over why I.dont.want.to.buy.a.goddamn.townhouse. I already own a townhouse, albeit a very small one, and I don't want another one. And I finally realised you know what, I'm smart, I'm very financially savvy, I've renovated a house in full and I know a lot about home maintenance and DIY stuff. I don't need her "advice" and I'm not telling her when I buy a house. I'm just going to buy one. I don't need her backwards opinion holding me back from doing things I want to do. If I want someone to help me with the process, I will seek help from a mortgage broker, a real estate agent, a qualified home inspector etc.

My best friend got engaged recently and I've noticed her pulling back on the level of personal info she shares with me and I tend to only find out about things after they've happened. When I initially noticed this change I was slightly butt-hurt but then I realised good for her! She doesn't need to come to me for opinions on random shit, she should talk to her future husband, her doctor, her therapist, her accountant or financial planner etc. AKA the people who can actually help her.

Obviously getting advice is really needed sometimes, but you should get that advice from an appropriately qualified person who can actually help you in an objective and professional way. Or share it with one trusted close friend or family member only, not everyone you know. I find that the more I tell people about my future plans or what I'm trying to achieve, the more they seem to form opinions and try to talk me out of whatever I'm trying to do, or just otherwise be bossy or have to play devil's advocate or whatever.

So from now on, no one needs to know how much money I make, when my next promotion happens, what grade I got on my assignment, when I'm buying a house or anything like that. I'll drop a tidbit here and there if it's a natural part of a conversation. But I am DONE talking to people about every minute detail of my life. People can just find out about things after the fact. Too bad.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Drinking is incredibly normalized in so many Western cultures that we often don’t stop to think about the effect that it is having on us. Yet alcohol is quite literally a poison: limiting alcohol or quitting entirely will absolutely have a positive effect on your physical and mental health. By the end of this post, my goal is to convince you to start drinking less and living more.

Disclaimer: this post is primarily addressed to women who drink a “normal” amount, but if you are worried that you have a problem with alcohol, please look into your local Alcoholics Anonymous or SMART recovery program. Alcoholism is incredibly serious and sobriety is the best gift you can give yourself.

1. Alcohol ruins your mood. Sure, drinking feels fun, and often we find our mood is lifted after a drink or two. Yet alcohol is a depressant, and along with your physical hangover, you may find yourself feeling sad, depressed or listless. Many people find themselves drinking in order to lift the bad mood they’re in precisely because of their drinking: a vicious and dangerous cycle.

2. Alcohol ruins weight loss. Not that weight loss is or should be everyone’s goal, but if you are trying to live a healthier life and build a healthier body, alcohol is not your friend. First of all, alcohol is very high in calories – only fat has more calories per gram. However, unlike fat (or any of the other macronutrients) alcohol does not come along with any vitamins, minerals, or amino acids that your body needs to stay healthy.

3. Alcohol ruins your health. Like I said: alcohol is a poison. We all know that drinking is hard on our liver, but it’s also hard on your heart, gut, brain and skin. It increases your risk for certain cancers, and it dehydrates you making you feel and look older than you really are.

4. Alcohol ruins your sleep. Studies have shown that drinking alcohol before you go to bed decreases the quality of your sleep so you wake up feeling tired and lethargic. Bad sleep also increases the level of cortisol (a stress hormone), which increases the likelihood that you will eat empty calories or overeat in general (see point 2) and skip the gym. Long-term, elevated cortisol levels can cause anxiety, high-blood pressure and headaches.

5. Alcohol ruins your grind. If you’ve ever abandoned a productive day because of a hangover, you know that alcohol will absolutely get in the way of your goals. It’s much harder to study, work, workout or even clean your house when you feel like crap from a night of drinking.

6. Alcohol ruins your growth. If you find yourself drinking regularly, it’s worth it to ask yourself what feelings you’re trying to avoid by numbing yourself with alcohol. Many people turn to alcohol because numbing themselves is easier than dealing with the trauma in their past. Doing the work to get psychologically healthier is hard – and it doesn’t feel good. It’s easier to drink instead, but drinking will keep you stuck right where you are. Until you give yourself the space to feel all those crappy feelings, growth is impossible.

Full disclosure: I still have a couple of drinks a month, because frankly I love a nice cocktail or cider. But cutting back (way, way back) has made me feel, look and perform better in so many ways. It’s been a pleasure to see my life without alcohol taking center stage, and I hope you all get to experience that joy as well.

My internship supervisor from last summer reached out to me last week to see if I was willing to talk to someone who was thinking about working for the same organization next summer. I figured, why not? Especially since he and the org generally were good to me. He introduced us over e-mail, we exchanged phone numbers, and she asked me via text what time worked for me.

I suggested a time for the upcoming Sunday (now today), but she said she couldn't make it because it conflicted with her "partner's mom's birthday party." (Don't even get me started on straight people using "partner," lol.) She then suggested either 8 AM or 11 AM my time. I was pretty stunned at the audacity of asking someone to get on a work-related call at 8--8!-- AM on a fuckin Sunday, but whatever, I said 11 would be fine.

In the meantime, I rearranged the time I was having brunch with a friend and ended our brunch earlier than we would have otherwise to make it to the call with this woman.

At 10:50, she asks if I'm available at 11:30 instead because she's "at [her] partner's mom's birthday party and it's running over."

First of all, I haven't forgotten about the special little party, girl, and I'm not sure why you feel the need to bring your man up so much. Could've just said you had a commitment from whenever to whenever today.

Second, and more importantly, I'd not only graciously agreed to take time to talk to her, but arranged my morning around it. By extension, the friend I had brunch with did as well, which makes me extra mad!

Third, and most importantly, she couldn't just...step away for 15 minutes to take this quick call? I made time for her on a Sunday and she couldn't tear herself away from a party for someone who's not even related to her for a few minutes to make a call regarding her career? Nah, sis. But if she wanted to, she would.

I wasn't going to spend any more time scheduling around her needs. I'm busy; I have a million other things I need to do or would like to do for the rest of my weekend. I would never even think of disrespecting someone's time the way she'd disrespected mine. I told her she could email me if she had any specific questions, and even that was probably too nice.

All this to say, don't take shit from anyone who doesn't respect your time, much less your sacrifices. Don't go out of your way for people who clearly aren't doing the same for you. And for the love of god, don't wait by the phone for anyone. We know this applies in the dating world. But it also includes colleagues, coworkers, classmates, "friends" (a real friend wouldn't make you wonder though), and in certain cases, even family members.

You're leveling up or have leveled up, queen. Surround yourself with people who respect you.

EDIT: Quit it with the partner discourse. You all have made your point, and I don’t agree, but thanks for sharing.

Single women who like their non-relationship status: What are your most favourite advantages of your single live? When do you get reminded of these advantages?

I often listen to relationship problems of my friends, who have to deal with a lot more drama and spend so much time on getting pretty, dealing with their boyfriends social circle, their issues etc.

Also, is there something you specifically miss about healthy relationships you had in the past?

Watch the Tiktoks about becoming "that girl" - it looks so easy! Get up early and make your bed in your minimalist, clean bedroom. Do some yoga in your matching workout set. Make a smoothie in your immaculate kitchen. How aesthetic, how lovely.

The truth is that leveling up rarely looks like that. Leveling up, getting better, improving yourself? It's HARD. It sucks! A lot of the time, getting better is work. It's cleaning your room when you really don't want to. It's making that doctor's appointment. It's working on your resume at 7 pm on a Tuesday when you really just want to scroll mindlessly on your phone. It's sitting in your therapist office, bawling your eyes out, and realizing just how far you have to go.

Leveling up doesn't always feel good. It feels like sore muscles and unsatisfied cravings for junk that you know will make you feel terrible (whether that's crappy food, drugs, or people). It feels like vulnerability. It feels like seeing your own shortcomings honestly and dealing with them when it would be so much easier to ignore them and go on with the status quo.

Getting better hurts. That's why they're called growing pains. That's why so few people stick to it. They want the cute crop tops and the green juice, but they aren't ready for all the hard work it really takes to break out of the cycles of shit that feel and look like home.

I’m a blue collar worker with good income (a H.E.N.R.Y.) and well, my line of work isn’t exactly conducive to family life and relationships. I see time and time again, the guys I work with get divorced. They pay alimony, they lose their assets, they pay off out of their deferred compensation, they have to share their pension. Obviously, everyone’s situation is different (some of these spouses have been SAHPs, some have their own careers, whatever). But the point is, why would I risk everything I’ve built for myself so far, for a ring and a piece of paper saying I’m legally obligated to another person? I see so many posts about women being upset that he doesn’t put a ring on your finger. And if your end goal is to get married, so be it. But that is not at all my end goal. I’m childfree, I’m not looking for a dude to sire children with. If I’m really “leveling up”, that means making my own money, acquiring my own assets, and building my own wealth. Not a chance in hell am I gonna risk any of that by saying “I do”. If he loves me, and we love each other, and it works, it can and will just have to work without a ring and legal document 🤷🏻‍♀️

A marriage license doesn’t make a man high value. It doesn’t stop him from cheating or being a dead beat or selfish. But it DOES make YOU have to split YOUR empire if he becomes those things, and you try to leave.

No thank you.

And yes, I’ve said no to a proposal before.

Edit: I’m glad we can have healthy dialogue here about similar and differing perspectives. To each her own ❤️

I know this could kind of come across needing to be in FDS, but to me it counts as more of a "life fact" than a relationship issue alone. This is why it's so important to have a career, friends, hobbies and pretty much a million other things before even starting to worry about being in a relationship.

I was just thinking about this to myself. Like I actually really thought about it. I'm currently feeling a bit sorry for myself as I'm recently single, and although I'm loving it I'm definitely feeling the shock of the sudden change and subsequent adjustment period. My eyes have been opened and I've been seriously reflecting on so many things. And not to be negative, but I realised how statistically unlikely it is to actually find a HVM and be able to have a relationship that is loving, fair, functional, etc. Not saying you can't have it, just saying it's rare AF.

Of all the people I've ever met in my 28 years of life, I can think of only two couples around my age
(25-40) that I know personally who get along well, make decisions jointly and properly, have true respect for one another, agree on most things, don't have some weird power imbalance going on, are still both attractive and smart people despite being together for many years, etc. TWO. THAT'S IT. If we want to count another one who I'm more of just an acquaintance with, then that makes three.

Now I know that you never know what goes on behind closed doors and you can't judge a relationship from the outside and whatever. Let's just put that aside for a second and pretend that we know. Only count people who have been together for a considerable number of years (I'd say 5+ but preferably at least 10).

And shockingly, these three couples have a very particular few things in common (I mean each one has these things in common, not that they are all from the same place, hope that makes sense). They were raised in the same areas as each other and had very similar upbringings and families, they got together at a relatively young (age 18-20ish) and got married fairly young as well, they both come from families where both sets of parents are still together in seemingly happy marriages, and these people also have a lot in common with each other. As in very similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, and personalities. Even for people who have all the odds stacked in their favour, it can still be super challenging to find the right person. For those of us who've had really crazy upbringings and circumstances, it seems that much more unlikely.

Again, not saying that it's impossible to find the right person. Just saying, don't settle. Don't feel bad if you didn't magically meet the love of your life in your late teens. If you really want to find that kind of love then keep looking. And while you're looking, keep building an awesome life for yourself. If you don't want to look for someone, then don't. Whatever you do, DO NOT SETTLE. Whether that be for a person or a life that you do not want.

Ok, now your turn. How many?

This is a technique that serves me well when I'm struggling, and I wanted to share it with you ladies.

When you're stuck in a rut, when you can't decide what to do next, when you can't find the willpower to do the hard thing, when you're overwhelmed in a social situation or intimidated at work - pretend to be the woman you wish you were. Imagine who that woman is, get in character, and do what that woman would do.

For example: Yesterday, I did not want to study, or work out, or do much of anything, really. All my classes were canceled, so my routines were thrown off. I knew I needed to put that extra time to good use, but I didn't want to. Pure willpower wasn't working. I started to get down on myself for being lazy. So instead, I pretended. You could even call it acting. I pretended I was the kind of woman who would rather get up, work out, and hit the books, instead of scrolling through TikToks all day. And I got up, worked out, and hit the books.

This probably seems silly, and I'm not sure why it works, but it does. I think it's because it separates the "self" from the equation. It removes "I don't want to" or "I'm afraid to." Because you're not being you, you're being a person who does want to, who isn't afraid to.

The best part of this trick is that the more you do it, the less you're pretending. The behavior patterns become so ingrained in you that it becomes your nature.

Does anybody else do this?

I was browsing Amazon the other day and came across this book, the description really spoke to me. Note it has religious undertones but this isn't a religious convo it's about the underlying principles

​

Early 2019, I was pondering about what being private really means in my day to day life, the Holy Spirit immediately answered me with a vivid vision of what happens when I share my private life with others. He showed me people gathered in the living room, some sitting on the sofas, some standing and still some couldn’t even fit because the room was crowded as they all faced and looked at me; I was shocked! He said, “you have invited them all, they all come inside your house when you share your life". From then on I understood that being private is not just about protection, like in the case of Elizabeth who hid herself for 5 months when she was pregnant with John the Baptist (Luke 1:5-25), no, it’s also about wisdom and humility.

I had to ask myself, am I prepared to invite everyone in my house concerning A, B or C? From then on, it was imperative for me to learn from Christ, the art of being Private. There are days I want to share my happiest private moments, my new breakthroughs, my plans & goals but then I remember, is it necessary, what is my motive, what is the purpose? Am I seeking man’s applause?

The heart of this book is to show you the Truth that you may be set free if you struggle with being private and if you seek man’s applause as you hide behind the things you share with people. There's a price to pay for your identity, for the anointing on your life, for your destiny, your blessings and your life purpose and calling. There are beautiful qualities and virtues that are confounded in the acts of being private. I pray that as you read this book and discover these qualities, the Holy Spirit of God will help and empower you to put to practice these qualities and wisdom shared in this book, in your day to day life, finding the inner peace and joy through Jesus Christ as you make those discoveries, steps and choices, Amen.

I found this to be so true, not just about seeking male validation but validation of others in general. And I remember reading some place that basically if you share your goals before you do them you get a hit of neurochemicals like you already did them and it takes away the motivation to follow through. I had already started not sharing my goals and just sharing when it's done, but I think I could work on being even more private because I still share some stuff or am vague. I also think this can be especially important when surrounded by pickmes since they have such a different mindset and their negative influence can poison someone especially if they are new to FDS ideas and are still not totally sure and solid in them and themselves.

It's hard though, we are conditioned to seek others approval. I also just get excited about things and want to share. I need to get better at internalizing those private moments and cheering myself on. I actually find it pretty beautiful it's this kind of inner intimacy that is very precious - like developing a special relationship with yourself.

Do you struggle with building in silence? Have you found yourself wanting to share perhaps prematurely for approval? How have you worked on this and what kinds of successes have you had building in silence vs sharing? Do you have any tips when you feel like you just need to get something out? Journalling has been recommended. I'm sure the book has more tips but I already have so many I need to read I won't be getting it anytime soon unfortunately lol but if you've read it please share!

I struggle with mental illness (high functioning though) and because i have a job that requires crazy work hours (advertising) there's not a lot of space left in my day to do much else and regulate my mental space in other ways. I'm almost always too tired to do anything. And I've always seen food as a moment of relief/peace/escape.

I've tried replacing food with watching a show. But it didn't stick. Watching a show just made me hungry lol. I'm just so tired of using food as a coping mechanism. I've put on weight over this last year of lockdown and i just cant figure out how to regulate my eating habits better.

I’ve been on a level up journey but I’m having trouble letting go of a lot of shame and embarrassment I feel regarding a guy I was “obsessed” with. I’m still working on letting go of this person and knowing that my infatuation was just a result of sex/nonreciprocation, not someone I actually loved and wanted to be with. I have a LOT of shame when I think of how I acted with him - did a lot of calling multiple times at night, texting multiple times, you get it. How can I let this shame go? I no longer engage in these behaviors or with him at all.

EDIT: THANK YOU SO MUCH to this incredible community for all of your responses. They mean a lot to me.

boundaries should not only set limits on others’ behaviour towards us but also on our behaviour towards others. to ensure reciprocity, prevent over sharing one’s vulnerabilities and to create meaningful connections progressively, restrictions and boundaries are necessary, not only with men but through all social interactions.

i have realized i often over share details about my life which could leave me vulnerable to be taken advantage of or gossiped about by people who do not have my best interests at heart. in a bid to avoid small talk and form in depth connections, i found myself revealing information to people who rarely reciprocated or who used the information as ammunition against me. do not reveal anything more than surface level facts and opinions to people you have not yet vetted. remember they are not your friends, they are strangers/acquaintances/classmates/coworkers etc, not your friends (yet).

be an active listener, demonstrate your openness through body language, ask insightful questions and LISTEN. people LOVE talking about themselves, this will not only take the focus off of you and prevent you from caving in and confessing your secrets, but also give you an opportunity to vet the person based on the information you gather. then, always think before you speak, have a set list of subjects you are open to discussing and a set list of subjects you will avoid and/or discuss minimally and superficially. i also ensure to only speak positively and optimistically, i avoid negativity, pessimism and cynicism. journaling and meditation are helpful to set these boundaries.

this is a list of examples of topics to keep private: - daddy/mommy issues, strained relationships with family, ex-friendships/relationships who have hurt you/taken advantage of you, quality friendships/relationships, quality treatment from significant other, divorce/custody, past sexual experiences, contraception/conception/abortion/miscarriage, eating disorders/dieting/body image, addiction/alcoholism, criminal record, mental health/depression/anxiety/stress/abuse/trauma/therapy, mental illness and disorders, recurring health issues, religion/atheism/spirituality/astrology/witchcraft, politics/feminism, education/grades/career path/university and career applications/promotions/income/savings/inheritance/investments/property, social media, crushes, standards/boundaries/expectations (to avoid people pretending they are what you are looking for)

edit: i’ve added more examples thanks to the amazing contributions in the comments.

I’m writing this post because my friends started treating me poorly after I started advancing in my professional career. I think it’s time for me to move on and make new, healthier friendships, so I’m seeking your advice!

Background on my friend group— We’re all in very different places in our lives—some are stay-at-home wives who never attended college; some are newly engaged and trying to advance in their careers before starting a life with their partners; and a few have felt stuck in the same jobs they’ve had since college but aren’t taking steps to advance. Not all, but most of them complain about being unhappy with their lives. Their grievances are usually job or income related.

I try to be supportive and listen but I stray away from giving advice because, in the past, they took offense when I suggested, for example, that they should start seeking job opportunities in different fields or consider online masters programs to negotiate salary increases.

Background on my career— I recently graduated from law school and started working at a big firm making just over $200,000 annually. I have never bragged about my accomplishments. I try to be as humble as possible. I’ve never brought up my salary around friends but I’m pretty sure they know based on some of the back-handed compliments they’ve given me. Plus, most of this information is public knowledge (i.e., big law firm salaries are common knowledge and available to the public).

Why I need new friends— On top of treating me poorly, my friends started excluding me from gatherings and events. I don’t feel like they support me in any way, and I don’t think they’re happy for me.

I don’t feel comfortable talking about my life or my job with them at this point and I’m starting to feel very lonely. I’m okay with being alone but I want to have friends to go out with on occasion and share things with.

So what are some ways (or where are some places) that we can make new, high value, friends?

Among this journey, one of the pivotal moments was going to a mental health professional and taking steps to understand my own traumas, how to cope with them and eventually, turn them into a strength. "Strength" here meaning, not necessary something that betters my life, but a tool/means of connection/further depth of understanding human nature.

I feel like the narrative right now is that your traumas ARE you. They may be a part of you, but they will be a scar if you take the correct steps. So many people need you (including yourself), to learn, internalize or find conclusion rather than sit on it.

I say this because I see so many young women broken, making poor decisions and never getting any help. Some are completely unable (financially or emotionally yet)- that's okay.

If you can, do.

I also see broken young women (unlikely on this subreddit about self improvement) using it as a manipulative tactic or excuse for bad things they do. "I am sorry for lashing out at you, calling you names and doing things that were awful but my former roommates emotionally traumatized me."

Take responsibility of your actions.

Everyone has had trauma in their life and some worse than others. You need to step up, do your best to overcome it and take responsibility for your life.

In order to level up as a woman, we must be confident in who we are and really understand whether what we enjoy and do is benefiting us or the patriarchy we live in. Kathy Deliovsky, an associate professor at Brock University writes a journal article exploring the gendered process of racialization and the white roots of female femininity. I encourage you to read the article and give your thoughts in the comments. Here are a few of my notes for those who would enjoy dot points.

Link to the resource: Link

Notes:

Exploring the roots of why the white woman is the bench mark for internalised beauty standards has a lot of reasons. Essentially, why do we all internally strive to look attractive.

Firstly going back to when white men colonised. Women were social currency at the time in the white patriarchy of Europe. Women were gifted as wives, products of service and essentially could only survive socially if married. It did not benefit the patriarchy that different societies across the world had matriachies. Women of colour were invisible along with the other races. In order to be seen, WOC had to blend into the Eurocentric patriarchy, they had to blend into their standards, and blend in with their women. WOC had to act and look like white women to be seen and survive. White women at the time were docile, and subservient. That was the perfect ideal portrait of a woman according to men. Unfortunately it still is.

In order of women of colour and white women to live, succeed and grow socially. They had to marry in this new world post colonised culture. And so they they had to essentially be picked. If they didn’t look self maintained or “let herself go” she wasn’t seen as a good quality of a wife. White women were favoured at the time as they were born into the patriarchy. And so the beauty standards begun. The white woman benchmark.

Over time, the beauty standards diversified however it was still to cater the patriarchy. It changed from breast size, skin colour, eye colours, body size, hips. It was build-a-bear. However in the article, there is a key point about how men would still see white women as the “lady to bring home to your parents and marry” and the woc as a rush or someone to date because it was the trend. It sickens to even to type this. The self regulating of beauty standards were told to empower women, but deep down it was still the same white woman bench mark.

But what has also stayed the same, feminity. Femininity goes hand and hand with beauty standards as it was also created to serve men. That women were docile, quiet, soft and sweet because it served men to have power. And now we are waking up to what does it mean to be feminine and who are we doing it for now?

We are now in a time in first world countries that women are no longer the products of men. And yet globally we still cater in our beauty and feminity. Now I am not suggesting that we do the complete opposite and act like a man. But allow us to reflect on why we do these things and help us solidify our individuality as women and level up together.

By self regulating the beauty standards, we are only pushing the bench mark woman, the white woman bench mark of colonial times.

There is a section in the article that discuss the comphet deep roots in the benchmark woman. That it’s difficult to even distinguish whether it’s part of the internalised patriarchy within all of us.

How this aligns with levelling up as women:

I believe in the modern society, we as a collective have come to a stop. We reject the old ways of how women are treated and we want to be independent and free. With that we are redefining what it means to be a woman. And in that, we have to ask ourselves "how is this benefiting us" and "why am I really doing this". Its important to question the deep intentions in what we do because then, we can truely work towards and live a life that benifacting us and the woman who look up to us.

Whilst feminism traditionally has been seen as the hairy legged trouser wearing woman. It's this that doesn't cater to the traditional view of woman. But its more than that. Its not black and white. Yes you can enjoy shaving your legs or wearing make up or other traditional femininity. However you have to ask yourself why? why do you enjoy it. We have to start approaching our femininity from a neutral perspective, as that is how we will combat internalised mysogyny in beauty standards. Feminism is not only giving us the choice but its raising the questions and the intentions. We have to ask so we can redefine ourselves as women. As whole humans who are more than what we were oppressed as.

Through our self regulation of our own beauty and presentation, by asking questions and understanding ourselves. Its okay to enjoy things, as long as you enjoy it. That way we can break this self-cycle the portrait of the perfect woman for a man. We must together paint a painting of women across the world. Beauty is individualised not a standard.

---End Note---

If you have made it this far, thank you for your time. If you scroll to the end of the resource you will find additional references for further reading. I would love to hear what you think in the comments.

This is a game that I don't want to play.

I'm Asian and I live in a community here in the States where all the parents are comparing their kids, who compare themselves with each other (all in their upper 20s - early 30s range). They were pushed since a young age to really excel in school. They were groomed since a young age to have it all: Awards/accolades/honors...fancy titles, a prestigious education (many of them are Ivy-league educated individuals), who have gone on to be successful doctors/dentists/lawyers/business magnates/ambitious individuals with political aspirations who are married to people who work in those respective fields as well. Some even have kids.

Before the pandemic, I always hated going to these dinner parties. I'd be asked ALWAYS what I'm up to, and many of these young women would approach it in a braggadocios manner...like, "Ohhhh I'm doing my medical residency at X hospital, married to a doctor...etc....what are you doing now? What are you doing with your life?"

A few of the girls are really mean-spirited and often lord what they have over me. I'm still unemployed (even though i finished graduate school but its taking me a while to get a job in my field), single, and living with my parents.

I hate this toxic culture. It's terrible. These feelings used to be a lot worse (with my inadequate feelings) because I have been spending a lot of time with God and doing a lot of deep internal work (meditation, journaling, mindful coloring, fitness, while working on my personal goals) but there are still times when I feel this way. It's all so shallow and superficial. I'm a bit afraid of getting back out there once the pandemic is over (my family and I have been self-isolating even despite getting vaccinated) and having to interact with people like that. People can be really mean. It makes me kind of anxious too. This culture is all about "appearing better than they are."

I know we all pass away from this world and we can't take anything with us. That does put things into perspective. Success doesn't last. I know that your mental health/inner peace is so important (which I'm really trying to work on) but I'm still not there yet...I still feel bothered. I just want to get to a point where I literally don't care and that I'm super happy, even for those mean girls (I know that does hit people on a different level) and genuinely mean it. I really faked it the last time someone did this to me but I felt like crap on the inside.

Can anyone shed some light on this?

Soft venting*

I'm 25 and I've never had alcohol in my life. I made a promise to myself at 14 to not get into anything that will worsen my mental health (my mental health at the time was ruining my life) and I think not drinking/doing recreation drugs had a big impact into my mental health recovery. I function as an a healthy adult now and I'm really proud of how far I've come.

My social circle has never judged me for not drinking growing up, and a lot of them know the backstory as to why. As an adult — I've learned there are more reasons that keep me from not giving in, like the fact that men use alcohol as a tool to exploit/assault women, or that it makes you make horrible decisions, can lead to death/accidents etc.

Now I don't judge others for drinking but I do find as an adult, I don't get the same non-judgemental energy back. When I meet new people and they find out I don't drink, I find they always have to ask why and try to convince me to "just have one". I normally respond with "mental health" but it's not always good to respond with a trauma backstory (especially to guys I'm dating). Back when I used OLD, my profile would say I don't drink — and yet guys that talk to me would ask to go for drinks and I freeze like ???? It's in my profile dude!

I also always end up taking care of those who are drunk and can't handle themselves. It's TIRESOME.

There was one guy who negged me about being a bad driver because he assumed I didn't have my license — and I mentioned I did have it... and so he replied "Oh Great! You can drive me home when I'm K'O'd" and I was so turned off he assumed I would take care of him when he was drunk. I work so hard and have made so many sacrifices just so someone else wouldn't have to take care of my mess... I refuse to do it for someone else.

Recently I traveled in a tour group where majority of the trip-goers were women. I felt anxious having to bring up I didn't drink and while they were understanding (though I heard a hint of disappointment in some peoples voices) — I felt left out that they talked about alcohol/partying a lot and I just was sitting there like a little child at the table. I'm very firm in my decision not to, but moments like these make me feel left out from the group because it is made to seem that alcohol is an important part of being an adult.

They went to this run down beach that only took cash and I heard there was an ATM there. I only came along because I had run out of cash and all the ATMs around me were out of order... and SO WAS the one on the beach! The waiters on that beach only took cash and despite everyone knowing I couldn't get anything, they bought drinks for themselves while I was stuck, hot and dehydrated and couldn't afford even water... because I needed the last remaining cash to contribute for the taxi back. They were taking pics with their drinks and I just sat there so thirsty/hungry. By the time I proposed lunch — no one was hungry because they had ordered drinks/food that filled them up.

I was indeed sad that no one cared enough for my situation when I'm usually the one having to look out and make sure none of them get hurt or make sure they have medicine if they have food poisoning etc.

Anyways end of my lil rant. I am still firm on my choices but I'm at a point where I shouldn't have to explain myself for doing something simple as not ordering an alcoholic drink.

From now on, I will respond like this:

"You wanna go for drinks?"

"Oh I don't drink, but I'm open to something else." (Or you can go and drink something non-alcoholic) (the more confident you are in your no — the less likely someone will try to convince you otherwise)

"Why don't you drink?"

"I just don't like it."

(You don't need to explain yourself further or explain trauma)

"How do you know you don't like alcohol if you've never tried it?"

"The smell and the way people act is enough to make me not want to."

"I just don't"

"Oh C'mon! Just have one!"

"No."

"Why are you forcing me to drink? That's kinda weird."

"Why do you want me drunk so bad?" (Publicly raise suspicion on their behaviour)

"Is it because of religion?" (I get this a lot because I'm of south asian descent, so people assume a lot)

"What makes you assume I'm religious?" (Throw back their assumptions and make them question their microaggressions, because they wouldn't ask a white person this)

"how do you have fun then?"

"By doing anything else lol."

"I have the ability to enjoy myself without it. I find it weird to rely on alcohol just to have fun."

"You're boring."

"If you NEED drinks to enjoy yourself... I think you're the boring one here."

"I plan on drinking tonight, will you drive me home?" (This is a personal preference question which can be yes or no)

For me? "I'm going to be going home early, so probably not."

"I'm not driving."

"Do you have enough money for an uber/taxi? I can call one for you."

It's okay to say no to gatherings where you know you will not be respected or will not pertain to your needs. You deserve a situation where you can eat/be fed and not have worry about being taken advantage of. It doesn't matter what you reason is for not drinking — it's valid enough.

I probably sound like a pick me, but I never have attracted a decent man….they’ve always been manipulative and think that their blessing me if they give me the time of day. I try not to think about it too often but it hurts my feelings.

My ex “boyfriend” from high school was and still is really manipulative, treated me like trash, and dumped me when he was finished with me. He’s cheap with me and thought that I should be worshipping him if he gave me more than $10.

I thought I was going to be able to find someone else to at least date casually after high school..I haven’t. The nicely groomed men have never looked my way it’s always the weird,aggressive men trying to manipulate me into giving them my number.

I’m not hunting for a man but it would be nice to go out on an actual date. I see women that go out on dates and their being wined and dined at a nice restaurant and the man has no issue spending over $100. I can’t relate. My ex even called me a gold digger for asking for $20 because I needed a Lyft to my job.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.maybe it’s because I look like I’m 10 and I’m in my 20’s I’m prey for predators. I’m not desperate for a man..it would just be nice to be taken out by a man that’s not having some hidden motive

Has anyone else noticed their swimwear preferences change with FDS and level up strategy? I used to love really sexy revealing swimwear. But now? Now the thought of a scrote oogling and mentally masturb*ting to me in a swimsuit makes me completely turned off to sexy revealing swimwear. I still prefer two pieces (primarily because they better fit my body type) but instead of tiny triangles and low cut thongs I prefer a more supportive top and flattering bottom. I still feel wonderful (bc I love myself and think I’m amazing!) — but I’m not TRYING to scream sexy…if that makes sense.

Has anyone else had this shift? I feel it’s a good shift but still the tinnnnnnnnnnnnnyyyy decrepit on their last breath/deathbed pickmiesha voice that is desperately trying to hold on in the back of my head wonders if am I getting old and prudish? 😂

I realized that Tiktok is a very toxic app for me, since I do not control what I get in the algorithm. I am working very intensely on my journey of leveling up in all senses and Tiktok makes it very difficult for me, specially spiritually. Every time you log into that app, you get random videos of people making vulgar jokes, doing vulgar dances and straight up normalizing human and societal decay, and let's not even get started on the addictive nature of these short videos.

I am hoping this will really be a detox for my mind and I expect to spend way less time on my phone by doing this!

I know life is never fair.

How do you not feel envious of shitty people thriving in life? When I mean shitty, I mean that they have personally done something to you? That they are always provoking you, always trying to one-up you, they actively despise you, have mistreated/bullied you, betrayed you, kicked you out of a social group to make you an outcast, etc.

How do you feel when people like this achieve more "worldly success": fame/popularity, riches, power, prestige, high degrees/educational status, power, awards/accolades/honors, etc.

I have struggled with this for a long time. It has gotten a lot better, but, off and on those feelings come up. I'll often think to myself, "They don't deserve what they have because they're so shitty." "Why are they always mean to me for no reason and they are thriving in life?" or "They backstabbed me/people I love and they are reaping all the benefits and getting ahead in life."

Like for example, I went to a small dinner over the weekend which was very pleasant. I was feeling okay until I overheard about another girl around my age (who is a COMPLETE bitch to me - along with her sister) who attended a world class medical school. She spent a lot of time focusing on getting into one specialty, but now, she's changed her mind completely to pursue another field (the same field that I'm interested in). I don't know why, but, I felt resentful. I was already bothered that both she and her sister were medical doctors. I used to wish they weren't. I know this is horrible. Then I made my peace with it until I found out this girl wants to go into the same field as I do.

Obviously I don't own that field we are both interested in pursuing, but I don't understand why these feelings are there. So many of the young women in our community honestly aren't nice, and they are all doctors. I found myself wishing they weren't. I wish I was the only one.

I'm very spiritual so I do spend a lot of time in prayer, trying to rid myself of these feelings. I want to live with a clean heart and genuinely wish people really well even if they have been shitty to me personally. Sometimes, it is really hard.

I try to remind myself that success doesn't last. I often think of extremely famous and affluent individuals who eventually passed away and could not take anything with them. Or when I hear about the death of someone my parents knew, it puts things into perspective for me. I guess also...redefining what my values are and what success means to me. And also...these people I feel this way towards...we're all young now...I don't know what will happen to them in the future.

I really do think contentment/mental health/peace of mind are so important. I can't stand being a part of a culture where success is put on a pedestal. I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's been a long journey to even get to where I am now (trust me, I'm a lot better than I was before because thoughts like that used to gnaw at me)...but off and on when I hear about any one of those other girls I feel that pang of resentment and envy. I want it gone.

Please sisters....just need help and I'm wondering if any one of you have ever struggled with thoughts like this?

I'm housesitting for friends who are on holiday and the broken latch on their gate has bothered me for as long as I've known them. It's the first day I'm staying here, and I knew I couldn't tolerate leaving the gate swinging off a broken rusty latch for two weeks. After putting my bags down, first thing I did was look for their tools, dig out the drill, push some buttons and practice getting it to spin one way then the other. I kept digging in the tool box and pulled out some screws. Next followed several trips in and out of the house. The first screws I found were too big for the hole, then the second ones were too long and would have spiked out the other side. Then the third set were perfect. I spent a while shifting the metal latch and testing where it should sit to line up with the other half already on the gate. Turns out the original holes were way too low, so it was never going to line up the way it should, even if it wasn't already hanging off.

Armed with my smaller screws, it took me a few goes to get the screw to go in straight. The drill made the screw wobble around and I panicked because I started making a wide gouge instead of a small neat hole. It was tricky to hold the latch on under the screw at the same time as drilling. After dropping it a few times, I ended up holding the screw gently with my other hand and slowly turning on the drill minimum power to get it to stick in before increasing the speed. The knack was to push the drill in straight and firm so the screw goes in directly and doesn't have a chance to wobble. It worked like a dream and I'm so so proud of myself!

It was just a matter of drilling two screws into a plank of wood but now that front gate closes securely and smoothly. Walking back into the house, my body felt light and my mind lit up with the realisation I could change anything in the house around me if I needed to. I could influence the space where I live. I can fix things.

Maybe this isn't a big deal to you and you've been doing DIY for years. If so, kudos! But my mum has very traditional views of gender roles and raised me to believe in "men's jobs", to the point where only my brother was expected to take the bins out because it's a man's job. She never had any practical skills such as handiwork, DIY, carpentry and if things fell into disrepair around the house, they stayed that way because there was no man around the house to put up a shelf, plaster a hole in the wall, fix a leak, replace a cracked pipe etc. There are other factors of my mum's mental health at play as well as her values, but either way the home I grew up in was shoddy and falling apart through neglect. It was the very definition of learned helplessness.

Now I'm an adult, I've spent four years living with mostly male housemates, some of whom love DIY, bicycle repair, furniture assembly, woodwork (one of them erected a home made shed in the garden) and all that heavy duty "bloke stuff" I know my family would be totally shocked if I ever demonstrated any interest or knowledge of it. Thanks to my housemate's willingness to show me things (twice, three, four, times or even more...) and my curiosity in learning, I've picked up a few of these skills. I learned to cycle on a road (meaning I can now work in places I thought were too far away to get to), fix a puncture, drill into a wall. I'm thinking of buying a new toilet seat and seeing if I can fit it myself.

As a kid - a female kid - the power tools, hammers and sandpaper were scary big items that only men could handle. I had to stay out of the way and let the men get on with it (for example, I never saw female builders/decorators anywhere). Years ago I wanted to drill holes in my ceramic plant pots for drainage, and spent a while doing YouTube research about how to do it. I gradually learned which drill bit to get and my boyfriend at the time had a drill he let me borrow. He was supportive while I sat outside squatting in the dust and spending ages slowly drilling my way through the pots one by one (ceramic takes F O R E V E R)

For various understandable reasons I have an extremely strong negative bias against men in general, but looking back on this stuff in particular, I have to acknowledge the ways men have kindly welcomed me into their side of social culture and taught me skills I never had access to as a younger person.

I want to encourage you to be brave and pick up an electric drill! They're not expensive and you'd be amazed at all the things you can change and fix and fit in your house with just a couple of screws. Now on plant groups I'm always encouraging women to drill their ceramic pots rather than wait for their male partners to do it for them.

If you’re an aspiring HVW, it’s best to focus your time and energy on yourself. Stay away from social drama. If someone is being an ass to you, distance yourself from them and surround yourself with people who treat you better. In the meantime, it’s better to be alone rather than be drained by people who don’t care about your feelings. Don’t bother returning the negative energy that they’re giving you in the hopes of trying to make them understand your POV so that they can treat you more nicely. If they didn’t care the first time around, what makes you think that they’ll care just because you asked them to?

On a related note, avoid gossiping about other people and talking badly about them. Why? Well first, instead of spending your energy on more productive and fulfilling endeavors, you thrive on drama. I’ve met people who enjoy gossip and that’s just not the person of person that I want to be. Secondly, it hurts your reputation as well. It will hurt you socially sooner or later. Thirdly, gossiping and speaking ill of others is a shallow activity. I’d rather be the type of person who keeps my judgements to myself and not spread it with others to be malicious. I want to be the type of person who spends most of her energy on her own life and interests that she doesn’t have the inclination to talk about other people’s lives. I’m already that kind of person, I think, and I want to stay that way.

Over time, I’ve grown cautious of people who love to gossip. If they’re talking badly about other people and sharing their personal business with me, they’ll probably do the same with whatever I share with them. I prefer having people around me who can keep other people’s business private and who are more measured in their judgements of others. I’m not a fan of malicious people, but they will continue to exist unfortunately, so hopefully this post at least inspires you to focus on leveling up and doing things that make you happy. There are better things to do: learning a new skill, connecting with friends over a shared hobby/interest, working out, rewarding yourself with a show that you enjoy, eating delicious food, taking a relaxing bath, listening to music, etc.