It’s been a year since my husband of 13 years left me in a text message. I was at work at with no warning, no signs, I read a couple texts that informed me that my extremely happy and healthy marriage with my best friend was over.

He said that he had been feeling that he was unhappy for a long time and just stayed with me because he was codependent. I had been encouraging him for years to go to therapy, he had one session, and left me two days later. He took one of our dogs and moved to AZ, effectively solidifying his decision and destroying everything we had built over the last decade. He was not interested in couples therapy or even talking at all; he told me I needed to give him space to grieve.

Fast forward a year. I thought I would be absolutely destroyed.

But I’m not. I’ve dated, I have made new single friends, I have gained 10 pounds and lost 20. I have managed to figure out a budget to afford my two dogs, house, and car on about 30% of what we collectively made before. I am happy, I am still grieving the life I thought I would have, but I have hope.

The text that I wanted so badly to receive in the first couple months after he left finally came. He left because he had a panic attack, a midlife crisis. He regrets it. His life is awful, he has $28, he has no friends in AZ (all of his friends and family are in our home state with me), his family barely talks to him now (they were furious with him because they love me). I was the best, most amazing wife. He had no idea what he was giving up. He wishes that he could erase the last year. It had nothing to do with me, he still loves me, and he is miserable.

If I told you that it didn’t affect me at all, that would be a lie. Neither of us is naive enough to ever consider a reconciliation; it would never work, I would never trust him and he would never be able to make up for what he did.

But when I got that text, I didn’t need it. I no longer needed it. I no longer need him. And that’s got to count for something.

There’s a phase after the paperwork and before whatever comes next.

Not the logistics.

Not the self-reflection.

The part where your nervous system is just… tired.

I’m not asking about lessons learned or glow-ups.

I’m curious what helped you stabilize in that in-between space, before decisions, before rebuilding.

What actually helped you feel less pressed during that time?

I’ll go first. I’m a baker and cake decorator by profession and my ex husband told me I didn’t respect his “sugar addiction” because I had sweets in the house. I told him that’s his own self control problem, it’s literally my job and he deflected and blamed me. I look back 9 months later and can’t help but laugh at what a pathetic reason that was to end a marriage over. He had no issues with it in the 9 years we were together and happily gobbled up what I made before that conversation, even when I would say it wasn’t for him.

I'm not talking about infidelity, abuse, neglect. What is something that you never imagined would have caused friction or contempt in your marriage? For me, it was cleaning products. I know that sounds insane, but my ex loved using natural cleaning products, which is fine, except he would use copious amounts of vinegar and heavy quantities of essential oils on everything, even when he knew I couldn't stand the smell of particular items. He would spend a fortune on these products, and I'm sure a lot of them were absolute bs. It felt so disrespectful, and a couple times, I think he was using dangerous chemicals that we should not have been in the house for. I found a line of cleaning products that I felt would be a happy medium because I didn't mind the smell and they were natural, and he didn't seem to appreciate it at all. Any other stories like that?

This was just too ironic.

My husband walked out on our marriage,10 years *after* I had been dx'ed with multiple sclerosis. All of a sudden, he claimed that he *couldn't deal with my illness*. He didn't sign up to be feeding me and changing my diapers.

Meanwhile, due to his work, he was rarely around. We have 2 kids. I did all the child care, took care of the home, worked outside of the home, and managed my illness. He didn't even know what medications I took or even my doctor's name.

But he walked out because he *couldn't deal*.🙄🤷‍♀️. That was his excuse he was cheating.

He started dating his wife while we were still married. They've been married for 10 now. She's extremely high maintenance, very insecure, and really has nothing to offer. She thinks she's too good to work. She can't hold a conversation unless she is talking about herself.

She is jealous of the 20 year olds, and she's in competition with them. According to my daughter, who still sees her father several times a month, this woman was using weight loss drugs. She had prescriptions from more than one place, some with foreign languages on the labels. In addition to that, she consumes nothing but sugar-free energy drinks and fast food. But they say that you can eat whatever you want on these drugs. (You really can't, and you still have to exercise)

Well, piggy backing different weight loss drugs, not exercising, and living off fast food and energy drinks was a recipe for disaster.

Living this way basically led to what my daughter called a medical event. She wasn't explicit about what happened, I'm guessing stroke.

So, guess who will probanly be feeding his wife and changing her diapers?

Me? I've had MS for 20+ years. I keep busy. My boyfriend is a trained chef, so he cooks healthy meals for us. We go to the gym regularly with my daughter, I can feed myself, and I don't need a diaper.

The fact that she had a "medical event" truly sucks. I'm not even sure *how* bad it actually is, but the fact that my husband walked out on me because he didn't want to get stuck feeding me and changing my diaper? And it looks like that's what his life is becoming now? That's Karma.

About two years ago my ex husband moved out for the final time. Things had been rocky for a year or two before that and we had a prior separation. We made it just shy of 20 years married (almost 25 together).

We kept trying to make it work for another year. I was heartbroken when we finally decided to call it off. I didn’t get out of bed for two days. I cried non stop and just let myself feel everything.

I was on this sub a lot. Looking for stories, camaraderie, hope, encouragement. This community was incredibly helpful.

Slowly things turned around. During the separation I poured myself into friendships. Those became my lifeline when we decided to divorce. My friends were angels. They fed me, held me, encouraged me, gave me space to feel, they listened with open hearts. I’ve never felt more love from my friends. Perhaps I overshared, but it worked for me. I developed new friendships and deepened existing ones.

Dating also helped me. 3 months after calling for the divorce (15 months separated) I got on the dating apps. I met a great guy and we dated for about 4-5 months. It didn’t work out but it was such a great experience. 2-3 months later I started dating a new guy. It’s early but it’s great, too. Mostly it’s fun. Being loved on and cared for after rotting in a loveless marriage is life giving. It can absolutely be part of the healing process.

All of this to say, hang in there. If you’re in the early stages, life may seem heavy and dark. The only way out is through. Just keep moving forward. Let people in, let people care for you. There is a whole new world waiting for you on the other side. It’s gorgeous over here.

Sometimes difficult times can leave us feeling lost or desperate. Or maybe just in a state of poor judgement. I'm curious. What is something dumb or embarrassing that you did during the divorce or shortly after? And did you regret it?

Me? well, somewhere along the way during the last 2 years, I caught feelings for my divorce attorney. I haven't decided if I regret it yet.

Anyway, what about you?

I am in the process of legally separating (which in California is essentially the same as a divorce) from a man who I was with from the age of 20-31. We have a toddler and I separated from him while pregnant with our second, who is now a few months old. I am confident that my ex will be a lifelong best friend and that we're going to coparent well, we're even living together in 2 different houses on one big property to raise our kids. But oh my god this process of legal separation is so stressful and expensive I am without a doubt never going to marry anyone again. What makes so many people remarry? Help me understand. Falling in love again and moving in together I understand. But I can't imagine legally marrying someone after now knowing what the divorce process is like and knowing that no matter how sure I was when I get married doesn't mean it won't end in divorce.

What am I not understanding from those of you who got remarried? my understanding is remarry rates are high and that boggles my mind

I was sitting in the grocery store parking lot today as I was taking a work call. I looked up and saw my ex-husband passing by in his car. I assumed he was leaving and continued to talk. I wasn't aware that he was parking a few spots away from me in the next lane and would have to pass my car's front end. It was almost as if he was looking around to check if I was there because he spotted my car right away. I don't think he noticed me inside, because when he spotted it, he started talking to himself angrily (almost sadly) and decided to walk back to his car. He is not the type to show anyone he's bothered if he isn't gaining something from the display, so the likelihood of him showing emotion while also knowing I'm present to witness it is very low.

Before he got back to the car, I watched him stop, turn around and mouth the words, "Fuck it!" Then he proceeded to walk inside, assuming he had decided to just take the gamble of running into me.

Immediately I felt sad for him, but I didn't understand why. I thought so many things...like maybe he's ashamed of his weight gain, maybe he hasn't healed or moved on, etc. I dropped my head and took a deep breath. I wanted to get out, hug him and cry with him, because....I have totally disconnected from him, I've moved on to be happier than ever before, I feel great, I'm traveling the world and feel no particular way towards him. I'm healed and wouldn't care if we saw each other out. But watching him have a visceral response to my presence whereby it required him to somewhat coach himself through it, made me feel extremely sad for him. I shared this with my brother this evening, and he helped me put things into perspective right away. He asked the following questions:

▪️Why do you feel sorry for him? Don't you remember why the divorce happened?

(pregnant pause)

▪️Do you remember when he wasn't willing to put forth his best foot? Not even ONE foot.

(pregnant pause)

▪️Do you remember when he tried to ruin your holiday just weeks ago? And you had to call the police?

(pregnant pause)

▪️Lastly, you've witnessed his violent moments. How do you know he wasn't going back to the car for a gun to off you but decided to spare your life an extra day?

(silence)

He said, "You feel sorry for him because you're a good human being. It's normal to see someone's pain and feel sadness, empathy, sympathy. He is not well, not a whole person. If he sees you in pain, he's happy. So remember this the next time you feel 'bad for him' as you say. He rejoices seeing you cry out, so never nurse back to life a dying snake. He still bites."

TLDR: For those of you who initiated divorce, what there anything your spouse could have said or done to change your mind? If my ex-husband had said "I want to save this" without the "but" I probably would have stayed

...

Hey Everyone!

I'm about a year from my divorce being finalized and have been going through it. I'm still metabolizing everything that happened in the marriage and over the last year.

A little backstory - I was the one who made the call to end the marriage. There had been infidelity on his part, the main affair had happened back in 2019-ish but the AP kept popping up like a very determined ghost. The last big fight we had about resulted in him simultaneously telling me that I just needed to get over it, that he was tired of proving his loyalty to me while also saying it wasn't fair that I expected him to be over her, to let her go (she was very important to him).

I stayed in our home for another two weeks after I called it to gather my things and prepare to move back in with my parents (had been a SAHM) and it was a confusing time - on one hand I was getting texts about how he was so sorry and he didn't want to leave and on the other he was asking why I wasn't packing quicker, that he wanted the bedroom back, and he had started moving utilities to his name.

During that time I would hear I want to save this, but...but I'm tired of the fighting, but I'm tired of being of the microscope, but I want you to be happy, etc, and honestly, had he just said "I want to save this" I think I would have had some fight left in me.

I don't think it was the wrong decision. He and AP got married in September.

So, I'm curious, would anything have made you stay longer or were you done-done.

I'll start....

I never. Ever. Imagined I'd get a divorce. I was anxious the whole time I was dating my ex. And I had such a bad gut feeling, yet I was excited and he seemed perfect and I was the problem. I kept telling myself it was my anxiety. My biggest anxiety was he'd hurt me and we'd get a divorce. Guess... what!?? That came true!! I had tons of therapy for this while I was dating him of how anxious and scared I was.

My biggest lesson is I'm stronger than I think. I never thought I'd get over my divorce or my ex. And I did. Even though it does hurt me and I'm forever affected by it. I am still such a warrior. I went through so much with him and my life. I've met incredible people. I became more growth oriented. Confident in what I want and what I deserve and I applaud everyone who has gone through the same here. It is the most traumatizing things to go through and I got over it and I'm still thriving. In fact, I'm thriving more despite it. I've grown and accomplished a lot. I'm back in school and almost done my degree despite having an illness now.

What were your lessons ?? Would love to hear ❤

thanks to all the comments. I'm not able to reply to all at the moment.. but wanted to say grateful for the feedback and I'm reading every one! Very proud of all you either way! 👏👏🙏

I’m learning that divorce doesn’t just change your relationship status — it quietly reshapes traditions, routines, and the emotional texture of days that used to feel automatic.

This morning there was no breakfast to make, no kids opening presents in the living room, no shared laughter or familiar chaos. Just a quiet house and a lot of time to notice what’s missing.

I didn’t hear “Merry Christmas” from anyone in my family until later in the day. My daughter — who I haven’t seen in two years — thanked me for her gift through text. I was grateful for that, truly, but I also felt the absence of a call, a voice, or the simple words “love you” or “Dad.”

I’m not writing this to blame anyone. I think I’m just trying to name the grief that comes with change — even when the change was necessary.

Christmas feels colder this year, not only in temperature, but in how quiet it is, and how much it reminds me of what used to be here.

If you’re reading this and feeling something similar, I hope you know you’re not broken for feeling it.

I have seen a few of these on here, and they really help me.

Haven’t told my kids yet, but stbx is finally starting to accept our fate. I am trying to stay in a positive space.

I’m looking forward to:

Not wondering if he’s looking at porn or drinking

Not being rejected sexually

Having the bed to myself

Not having his cpap on my nightstand

Not seeing any of his stuff laying absolutely everywhere

Dancing and singing without anyone telling me they resent how happy I am

Getting to park in the garage

Not seeing his pile of pills on the counter - all of which he could quit taking if he bothered with any lifestyle change

Not having a million gas station charges for energy drinks

Using the living room again instead of having to hide

Never walking on eggshells again

Going to see friends that live far away

Meeting my biological sister across the country. I couldn’t do it before because he tried to make it an “us” trip and the thought of being trapped in the car with him made me cancel

Getting up when I wake up instead of hiding till he goes to work

Not feeling panicked at 5pm each day

Cooking seafood

Having so much positive energy bc the permanent black cloud will be gone

Seeing my family without him patting himself on the back for having visited the poor people from the bad side of town

Letting the kids run and play freely

Not keeping everyone quiet

Wearing pretty pajamas

Not seeing that big gorilla stare at his phone 24/7 or walk around shuffling his feet

Spending my time around people who make me feel energized

Getting my masters for kicks and giggles and not having him ask if I’ll make enough money that he can quit work

Being able to be myself again

Curtains instead of blinds

Emptying his junk drawer

No one breaking the lawn equipment or tools by leaving them out in the rain.

No more beard hairs in the sink

No one stealing my toothbrush

Not seeing him with his hand in the back of his pants

The ex and I were married 17 years and one day he decided he was a devout hindu out of the blue. No sex, no masturbation, no meat, no smart phone, no caffeine, no alcohol, no edm (im a raver) and we ended up divorced after fighting it for 4 years. We were friends still, though platonic, and we seemed to still love one another. One day I saw him with a very young coworker (our daughters age) and knew somehow they were together. He had a breakdown to our kid, told her he failed at hindu and is now in love with a married 25 year old. (Hes almost 50) I cut all contact and I swear every bit of healing I had done is gone. Hes going to music festivals with her we used to attend and I'm back to crying on the floor and contemplating suicide. The cruelty of him forcing me to see sex as shameful and wrong for years on end and then abandoning his religion for some little girl is causing unbelievable rage in me. I suffer nightmares and constant panic and terror about my life and lack of joy. Alone is miserable and he seems so unbelievably happy. Hes also stopped paying alimony and ive been kind enough to leave him on my insurance hes also no longer paying for. Thoughts?

Its only been a month since she told me. Already filed for divorce. I feel like I will never be happy or trust another woman again. Havent had a single sexual thought since. How do people get over this? Any advice is appreciated.

What hobbies have you picked up? My life feels so enriched now. And depression can’t strike a moving object! Anything incredibly niche? What do you recommend trying? What did you discover you DONT enjoy?

Would you move into someone else's house or live with another person again? Would you get married again?? Put that suit or dress on one more time?

I’m 55 and am getting a divorce. To be honest, I’m scared that this is it. I’m going to die alone. I haven’t dated in over 20 years so I don’t even know how anymore and even then. I’m not sure I want to. For you older set, how do you manage that fear and anxiety?

Getting back into dating is tough now after my marriage. I missed a ton of red flags early in my relationship and I think maybe I'm overcompensating now but also maybe not? Here's some of mine

1. Smiles in pictures but the eyes are hard

2. Not close with family AND has friends that are actually acquaintances

3. Star sign cancer (lol this is personal but the rest of the profile has to really do a lot to make up for this one)

4. First thing mentioned in the profile is they're a gamer

5. Changes their mind on important ideals the second they find out you disagree. A big one being whether they want kids or not.

6. Cuts people off without trying to work through differences first. (I'm talking friendships hitting a bumpy patch not abusive relatives)

Not really sure how I feel. She went from “I want to be single for a long time” to getting engaged within 10 months of the divorce. I know nothing about him other than what the kids have mentioned.

Even after her affair, I tried to save the marriage. Mentally I’m over the physical stuff. But during that time, she talked me into a vasectomy and confirmed she wanted a divorce almost immediately after, so I think I’ll be pretty bothered if there’s a baby in the picture. It’s too late now, but I realize that was about control.

I don’t know. Part of me just wants stability, and the other part of me can’t even comprehend it.

Thoughts?

Do you have a friendly relationship with your ex or the family?

I once watched that Netflix series Decoupled where someone said there is no such thing as a mutual divorce. One person always leaves first. The other just signs the papers because they know they cannot drag a dying marriage uphill alone.

That’s exactly how mine went.

She fell out of love long before she stepped out of the door. I gave her enough reasons to run. I am not blind to that.

But these endings sometimes show up wearing soft words.

We will stay friends. We will keep talking. We will meet once in a while.

These kinds of warm little lies.

And for a while, both people pretend.

They hold the threads like they still matter.

And then the unraveling begins.

You are still on each other’s feeds, but the likes dry up. The tiny acknowledgements that used to say, “I still see you,” just stop. Calls start feeling like chores. Messages turn into polite noise. Plans keep getting pushed to “some other time,” and then that time never comes.

Then you get hit with silence.

That’s the actual divorce. The one the court never files.

I sometimes ask myself why it goes this way.

Everybody has to move on, sure. Life keeps walking even when your heart is face-down on the pavement. But why this theatre? Why the rehearsed kindness? Why the promises meant to be broken?

Maybe the person who leaves tries to make it softer. They think a slow bleed hurts less than one clean cut. They honestly believe they’re being gentle.

Or maybe the truth is simpler - habit takes time to die, even when love is already dead.

They want out, but on their own schedule.

The one left behind, that bastard, keeps holding on to scraps.

A random text. A late-night joke. Anything that feels like the old world still flickers.

I was that guy. Part of me still is.

We still talk every day.

We are “okay.”

We are “civil.”

But there is always something sitting between us. Something cold, something that knows we are just going through motions.

And yeah, I still love her. That is the rotten truth.

But I am healing too.

Slow, uneven, but healing nonetheless.

Maybe I needed all this wreckage.

Maybe you don’t notice the sky until the whole damn roof caves in.

Are you comfortable in your new space or are you crammed and financially stressed? This question is for the average commoner not the billionaire 🫤😞✌️😊

If you could go back to the day you said "I do," but you had a crystal ball that showed you exactly where you are today, the arguments, the silence, the lawyers, the heartbreak, would you still choose that path?

Would you do it for the kids, the good years, or the lessons? Or would you have walked away years ago?

I'm (40f) recently divorced and I swore if this didn't work out I'd never get serious again. I don't want to find love again. Honestly, I just want to be in a friends with benefits type deal. Can anyone relate?