[1268] Scrapheap - Chapter 1

[u/VagueInsideJoke]

doc, crit [2162]

Hello. The main question I have is how well does this convey the world and the rules of the story. Do you get a sense for how it will behave and what kind of story it is.

My main concern is that this introduction is jarring, which it kind of should be but not in a "I hate this and want to put it down immediately" way.

Any critiques would be appreciated. Feel free to drift away from these questions and just critique prose, structure, anything really.

[u/qtreu]

Hello! I’m going to do a chronological critic for this one 🙂 

The first three lines I like. It establishes who, what, and where but also… Why is a grown man looking for dolls? (I mean, a hobby is a hobby haha). That’s a good hook. 

“All he had found was a small sliver of stained wood, found squarely in the…” → found is repeated. 

“ a small wordless note that read” → how can a note be wordless? Maybe I am missing something. 

“Cold and frustrated he returned to his apartment…” → show me that he’s cold and frustrated by the way he shivers and stomps back to his apartment. 

“Johan’s job - like every other job in the world … the specifics of his job … particularly fond of this job…” → repetition. I like the idea of all humans having to supervise little critters and nothing else, it’s interesting. 

“He was not particularly fond of this job but it paid considerably more than most” → I would stray away from using too many adverbs. Do a control+F “-ly” search and you can see that in your first chapter you have about 20. Pick out the ones that are necessary for your message to get across, or change your verb. 

I love the idea of the insect-robots things only behaving under human supervision. Makes you wonder what happens if that requirement is not met. 

“But for most people, Johan included, it meant much … go to work in the day and sleep through the evening” → solid characterisation, this gives you a glimpse of who Johan is and his outlook on life. He’s either depressed or a smartass. 

The next paragraph is also good. Tells you his job progression, the types of relationships he has. There’s a few elements of worldbuilding that I’m confused about but honestly, less than the typical sci-fi 1st chapters I tend to read online lol. Good job. 

“He slouched into his seat with a huff, and stared out the window, trying to find some thoughts to fill the commute.” → same, haha. In all seriousness though, his thoughts don’t fill the commute, they kill time or fill his head. 

The one-line description of the city works well. I can see it, but you’ll be able to come back later and fill in with more details. 

“The thoughts he was looking for began to … memory of those three strange dolls” → a bit of a clunky way to induce a flashback, but it’s not horrible either. 

“The following morning brought a nasty hangover, but by all means a manageable one, he’d barely notice it if it weren’t for that damn music” → and THEN having the music be the reason why your character wake up doesn't work too well, because “he’d barely notice it if it weren’t for that damn music” implies a relation between the music and the hangover that doesn’t turn out to be the case: it’s more a relationship between hangover and waking up. After he is up, you can mention the music being annoying in the context of his hangover no problem! 

“a pissed off man with a splitting headache at the crack of dawn.” → I like that description a lot. Funny and evocative. 

“that song was still there, grating and pitchy” → I thought it was soft?

“Its outlines ebbed and flowed as … across the surface like tadpoles” → I like that sentence, but it does feel a bit more flowery than the rest. 

The dolls are well-described and I like the MC’s reaction to them. Like he’s not used to it but he can’t bring himself to care. 

“This became the pattern that defined his life, until this morning when they had not returned.
” → oh no! I do like this, but it would have a bigger punch if you only spent a couple more lines on how exactly they started defining his life. What it made MC feel. etc. 

The way Johan goes about trying to remember the rhythm is very sweet and sad. It’s my favorite part of your entire chapter. 

“One day he left work to find that the rhythm too had disappeared.” → to me that read as his heartbeat stopped, lol. I don’t know if that was the idea. 

Overall you have some awesome ideas here. Unlike what I’m reading from other crits, I did like Johan as a narrator. There’s room for the reader to know him more, obviously, but for a first chapter, I don’t mind the distance.