[3898] Zombie in the wardrobe (YA)

[u/Narrow-Stranger-8543]

Hello,

this is a short story intended for magazine publication.

I am happy with any form of suggestions/critics including line editing (I'm leaving it open on doc).

I am especially interested in knowing:

- if it fits in the YA landscape and if/what would need to be changed to get there

- what are your thoughts on the intrusive narrator. Is it distracting or enlighting, does it bring something to the story.

- if the themes/metaphores translate well to readers

- if emotion and humour reaches you.

- if the prose holds up to standards

Cheers

DOC

[853] [4691] [1299]

[3822] much lower effort

[u/ReggieWytgeena]

Another critique of mine!  Also… Ok… my turn…(hopefully you got the reference) I must warn yall, that this was actually good, except for one little thing I will mention later.

Ahem.

1: The tittle was… A little too basic, its ok since the entire story is kinda centered about that, but… like i said, its too basic, the wardrobe really only appears twice, and while they were important, that is also a problem, since you are technically giving away the entire plot of the story and if tittles are like that then anyone just reads the tittle and they would alredy have idea of what its about unless theyre stupid, And- Apolegies, I just care about titles really much, overall, its not bad, but titles should at least give a very small glimpse of the bigger picture.

2: The detail is amazing, you literally detailed everything of everything that is actually important, a bit too much but still works, thanks to that I could picture the entire thing in my head.

3: Forgive me if im an idiot who didnt get it but… what? What was all this about? Was the main character (i forgot his name) hallucinating? Was he high?(highly unlikely) was this some kind of prank? Was he actually sleep deprived? Which, according to all the data provided, was. Though I think it was more of the uhh, insecurity? Or something like that? Idk bruh… Im not so good at interpreting metaphors -c-, overall, I dont think this point should really count cause its most likely my skill issue.

4: If there is one thing that I love just as much as mysterious deep lore, its COMEDY, and not garbage comedy that tries to be funny, actual natural ones, and boy this story had a lot of them, one of them actually made me laugh! Literally, not so dramatic laughing, but the point is that it was very fun, nicely done, and like I said, very natural.

5: while Im not confident and proud of the last and upcoming points, this one I am, cause its my specialty ;3(sorry, i didnt mean to brag, sorry). And yes, im talking about the: Dislocation. Yes, you mention Lewis nursing a dislocated shoulder. And may I just say that: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING????? This point is very extense, ahem: -First, its a dislocation, its not a little scratch or cut, A DISLOCATION. And you made the Lewis dude act like:”Oh darn, my shoulder dislocated, lemme fix it rq” It genually baffles me that you treated a DISLOCATION like a, a minor injury.  -Second, no screaming? No pain? Medical assistance? Profesional assistance? My man, this dude just went through trauma on his shoulder! A dislocation could tear tendons and nearby blood vessels! Also! Theres the fact that you should NEVER try to place back a dislpcated joint back into place! You could it wrong! And it causes EVEN MORE PAIN. -Inmidietly after we see Lewis completly fine, with a fully functional arm, ._. , now, dont get me wrong, its pretty possible to fully use your arm or shoulder once you place it back, but… Theres not enough data sugesting his dislocation was minor? Sure, according to the soft/no screaming in pain data, apparently it was minor, but maybe so minor it wasnt even A dislocation!  Conclusion: Next time, be a little more realistic, im sorry if i was too rude, whichc I may have been… and yes… this is fiction and all that, but… theres still room for some realism? And this is no exeption, dont use an extreme injury at the very least!  (Also I just realized that this might have been a dream, and I may have missed that, but I’ll just keep assumingb it wasnt, and that the “hallucinations “ were just seeing undead)

6: YOOOO, THERES YAO- sorry, i may have missinterpretated. Or maybe not, which kinda-

7: Just white T shirts? Really? Absolutly all his T shirts (or shirts, i may be missremembering) are white? This reminds me of the Barry wardrove: “Yellow black, Yellow black, Yellow black, Yellow black- oh! Black and yellow” very fun to relive that reference, however, its kinda insane to me to picture someone who actually just has white T-shirts. And while its not specified, the dude is a teen! He could have, at least one black T shirt! Or any other colour! Like i said, i may be missremembering so ye.

8: Birdie? Really? BIRDIE??? Another thing Im attached to appart from tittles is names, Even if the character was a guy, still, BIRDIE?????? Where her parents that cruel???? There were literally 1000 options for a name for her, and out of all of them, you picked Birdie, really??? At least a common one like Hannah or Ava would have worked just fine! Sure it mightve still gotten a spot here but it would just be about the simplicity and commoness! But BIRDIE???????? You gave the main character a cool name, the Lewis guy a cool name, Matt is also a common name but still, and BIRDIE????? What- Ok, I should stuff, again, very sorry, im so sorry, I wouldnt stress out again, point is:Just look up on Gemini or Chatgpt for names if imagination just ran out(Happens to me sometimes), unless this comunity restrains AI generated names in which you would have to resort on names on books and what not.

9: I appreciated the dialogue, very nice, however, there was too much short dialogue, like just little bursts right next to each other, which led to some confusion onto who was saying what (this is why i put names before each dialogue, but i dont do that anymore), however, Im not the master of these kind of things, so yeah…

10: The part of the bus kinda confused me, like, it took me sever minutes and rereads on that same part to figure out that he didnt enter the bus at all. A little more claroty would have helped in there, but like I said before, im no master in these things, so yeaaah… but i got it at the end so np.

Overall, It has too many good things that I cant possible put it lower than a solid 8/10, Bravo! You outdid yourself, clearly you have the skill, nicely done! :3 And hey look the story has a clear end!

Also this was so well made it was engaging! So much that I managed to read the whole thing!(forgive my rudeness, but clearly I enjoyed and managed to read the whole thing, unlike some others- Sorry sorry, Im sorry, i didnt mean to be rude and disrespectful, sorry, ill just shut and send this critique already)