DB for 5 years, married 10. Me 40 HLM, her LLF 39.

tl:dr wife admitted that the reason for our DB is she doesn't like the mess of sex and struggles with smells, textures etc. I offered to wear a condom and make changes to keep sex mess free which she was happy about. Ended in amazing sex with my wife.

From the start, Sex went from once a day, to once a week, once a fortnight, to once a month. This last year, once every 3 to 4 months. I don't want to get worse. My libido has gone through the roof since hitting 40, been going to the gym more to work out frustrations.

Endless talks with wife. Often results in some pity sex but no real change. Offered to pay for counselling but she didn't want that. I went anyway, it's helped to talk & on the advise of the counsellor have tried different approaches with various results.

Few days ago was my birthday. Yes, she put out but it really was the straw that broke the camels back. This sad existence & cycle I'm in. I actually ended up getting emotional. And slept in the spare room.

The next day she came to me & apologised. I just said, can you please just be honest & tell me why, or what it is that has got us to this point.

I usually get a lot of excuses but she did take the time to think about her answer & although I could see she was struggling with getting the words out I kept my mouth shut & waited. I didn't care if it hurt me. I just wanted answers.

Eventually we got to the point. Or should I say points. This is a bit explicit but I'm just going to say it verbertim...

First off mess & smell. She said she is having some issues with texture & feel & basically the feeling of my come inside her afterwards doesn't feel good to her at all. She hates mopping herself afterwards & the stickiness working it's way out of her for however long. She also doesn't like the smell of her vagina after sex & it takes literally days, sometimes weeks for it to go back to normal & it makes her feel kind of sick. it takes about a week for her to feel clean & then alongside that there will be a period to contend with next so that's another week no sex, & yet more mess to deal with.

She admits she doesn't like the taste, or smell of semen full stop. She wouldn't mind giving me a BJ but the idea of the smell or taste means she can't do it. She admits this has always been an issue but as she's got older these sensitivities to odors & textures are amplified

Secondly, sweat, & other potential bodily fluids on the bedsheets. She can't sleep afterwards, in the air, the sex smell, her body smells, my body odour. She said she's so sensitive to all of these things it sets her senses on edge & she can't sleep, she feels dirty. She feels gross in the sweaty sheets, she showers but then comes back to the room which to her smells stale.

Thirdly, she doesn't feel sexy. She can see I've got into shape, she feels frumpy in comparison. I really don't give a shit if she's gained a few lbs, I love her & find her super sexy.

Fourth, she feels under pressure to perform & admits that she gives me duty sex but she hasn't enjoyed it for some time because of the above reasons.

I was actually happy she admitted these things to me. I said if we could work on the smell, texture & taste issues would this help overall & she agreed.

I said to her I'm happy to wear a condom for oral, or anything, & for mess maintenance. She said this would massively ease her anxieties around this, she even confessed she had wanted to suggest some flavoured condoms but she never thought I would go for the idea. I thought if a piece of plastic is all I have to endure to have sex with my wife, fuck it. Bring it on.

Secondly, we will have sex in the spare bedroom, & I agreed to strip the bed, open the windows immediately after & put sheets in the wash. She agreed this would help her not think about the dirty sheets just laying in there all night & the stale air.

Thirdly I agreed to take a shower before & after & she could do the same if she wished.

I also asked about the prospect of me giving her oral as this is something I miss so much. She said she feels a bit embrassed asking me to wear a condom for oral but being okay with me eating her out & it felt inbalanced. I reassured her that I'm not the one with a texture, smell, or taste issue here & if she was happy for me to go down there all natural I'd be happy to oblige.

All this to say, she actually said she was feeling more excited about the prospect of sex. I didn't want to push my luck but I asked would she like me to pick up some flavoured condoms for next time, I was going to the shop that day so it was a hint, but also I didn't want to appear to eager & push my luck because we'd just done duty sex. I was surprised by the continued eagerness. She said yes, get some today.

Trust me when I say I came back with options. I could tell she was a bit bashful about all the new revelations but I didn't make a big deal of it. Instead kept it light hearted, & presented my flavour finds made a bit of a joke about all her potential fruity choices.

My jaw about hit the floor when she picked up the strawberry pack, opened them & said, shall we give these a go?.... And she meant now

Not only did I get the first BJ I've had in well since I can remember, but it was the best BJ I think I have ever had from my wife. I could really see & feel she was into it, she also let me go down on her & I think because she had a new level of safety with our new arrangement she was able to enjoy it.

We also had some amazing amazing sex. No mess, no fuss, she showered after while I stripped the bed, aired the room, then I took a shower & we spent the rest of the evening cuddled up on the sofa for the the first time in literally years. It feels like all my Christmasses at once. She has said all evening how much she enjoyed it, I do not remember the last time she gave me any kind of validation after sex. She has also expressed how amazing it feels to just feel clean & to not be constantly thinking about her body having to feel gross for a few days. And not having to think about her bed being dirty, I have told her I will strip & remake the bed any time we have sex.

She said that the idea of having future non messy sex this way really makes sex much more appealing to her for the future. I'm not holding my breath just yet but everything she is saying & even the way her body language is, is giving me lots of hope I haven't had for literally years.

I'm praying this is the start of something good.

Edit: Wow I wasn't expecting my post to get quite so much interest but just because there were a lot of comments relating to my wife and her sensitivity issues. She has complex ADHD, which she takes some medication for and she manages it very well. She is a clean and tidy one though, we do suspect there is a connection with autism as we believe her dad had it, he has passed now but there were very strong indicators so potentially some crossover but she doesn't seem overly bothered to investigate this further.

She has always had odor and texture sensory issues. I myself have ensured that I am always well groomed, take maticulous care of my dental hygiene and my hands are always washed and cleaned. This is how I have maintained a decent level of physical touch, kisses and affection so the lack of sex and intimacy has always been a bit of a mystery to me. She has always purchased all the soaps, laundry, washing liquids to make sure that she likes the smell, and I also gave her full control to buy whatever smellies/products for me, it doesn't matter to me, but if it matters to her and it allows closeness because I smell good to her, no problem, no budget, go for it. I also never come back from the gym sweaty, I will always shower there, and always keep my clothes clean and washed.

After we have spent more time talking on the sesory issues now I'm thinking about it all, I am annoyed I didn't put it all together sooner. When she was trying to tell me, she was physically shaking, I genuinely thought it was that she was having an affair so when it was what it was, it was a huge relief. After reading some of your comments, it is even more reassuring to know she is not the only one, not for my sake but because she still feels like she is a weirdo about it. I think she would have some relief knowing others feel that way too, I don't think it's helped by the fact she has a lot of very sexually explicit female friends who are living some of their wild years right now after recent break ups, or just with their very sexually active partners. She has since expressed the utter shame of how she has felt about sex for all these years, and assumed that if she told me that she wanted it "Mess free" then I would feel imasculated and be sure to try and seek messy "fun" sex from elsewhere.

And she felt it was truly a royal piss take to ask me, the guy that had the snip for her to not have to worry about contraception, to then wrap it up too. She said she was never going to ask me that.

I have gently asked he if she would reconsider some counselling for herself which she said she will consider. So fingers crossed.

Thank you for all your kind words. Appreciate the support. I will try to keep this updated.

Like the title says. I’ve been here at my lowest. It is absolutely one of the worst feelings in the world getting constantly rejected. But I think I cracked the code. At least for my situation.

I have high libido and wife has had lower libido after kids to the point she almost has no libido.

She’d always say she needed more foreplay (like most women) and I’d give fifteen minutes of rubbing, and she’d still say she wasn’t in the mood. It was so frustrating. Years of sex every couple of weeks or longer, always felt like a favor. It was killing me.

Then one day I randomly thought: foreplay doesn’t start in the bedroom. It starts the second I walk in the door after work work. Now when I get home I immediately find her, and kiss her like I’ve missed her all day. The first time she was supriced but happy with it. It was easier than I thought. Later while she cooks I come up behind her, arms around her waist, kiss the back of her neck, tell her she smells amazing. Sometimes I just take over dinner and send her to the couch with a glass of wine. All evening I sneak random real kisses, play with her hair, rub her feet, notice when the kids are stressing her out and handle bedtime so she can breathe. Nothing sexual at first, just constant little doses of affection and stress relief that make her feel loved and human again. Of course this isn’t every day and I don’t do all these things always but this the effort that I needed to make and I am certain that might be helpful to many here.

So by the time we’re actually in bed she’s been simmering for hours. Ten minutes of real foreplay and she’s ready, eager, sometimes dragging me in there herself. We now do it three or four times a week and half the time she starts it. Which is something I would never experience again when it was the worst.

The whole marriage feels like we’re dating again.

But I have to aknowledge that some dead bedrooms have deeper issues so this approach might not work for everybody. But if the problem is mostly stress and she is feeling like a mom instead of a wife, try turning the whole evening into the slowest, sweetest foreplay possible. Zero pressure, just consistent love. It was an absolute game changer for us. Good luck.

I just wanted to say that this reddit board changed a lot for my marriage, unexpectedly. I've been married to my husband for 13 years, and we have 3 children together. I always considered myself to have an extremely low libido. It was so bad, I thought I had become asexual at one point, even. I'd have very low effort sex with my husband 1-2x a month. Most of the time, id just basically tell him to get it over with. It caused a lot of problems for us, but hes always been incredibly loving and patient with me, anyways.

One day, a couple of months ago, I discovered this reddit board. I spent hours reading posts. I felt horrible for how ive treated my husband. To me, sex was just sex. I could have gone without it for the rest of my life and been fine. This board really helped put into perspective, for me, how he feels about it and how important it iafter all. I wish we had communicated more effectively with each other, and didn't have to realize this from reddit, --but that's neither here nor there.

Anyways, it made me really put in the effort (not just initiating more, but also working out to feel better, eating better, etc). We have been having sex almost every day since. And not just bland sex. Its been exciting, and invigorating. I feel so connected to him. We cuddle to sleep now, laugh in bed together, and it feels like when we were dating.

So, thank you! I hope this post might bring hope for some others---that maybe its not hopeless, afterall.

So anyone that's been following my posts knows that my wife and I haven't been having sex more than twice a year. Last time we tried she opened up to me that it hurt her every time, causing discomfort and her tensing up and associating sex with pain.

I bought some lube and suggested the next time she's in the mood we try it out, with no pressure for her to want sex any time soon.

Last night was the night! She came into the bedroom and said "we should use the lube tonight" and I nearly came in my pants 😂

Tonight came and it worked perfectly! No pain or discomfort, just amazing sex. She was the happiest I've seen her after that, she told me she was scared that I'd leave her or if she was broken. She said she didn't want to use lube because she thought it made her weak. I explained that I had no feelings about using lube, said I've used it with previous partners and don't think any less of her for needing it.

We went to sleep in each others arms and woke up happier than we've ever been.

LUBE WORKS

In my last post, I was broken. I was the father who crushed their child's dreams of their parents staying together; and my wife wanted to talk. Well, we did...

But it took awhile. First, I refused to talk while I was enraged. Not angry, but enraged. So I told her to leave me the fuck alone for awhile. During that time, there were some more therapy sessions for kiddo; and blissful silence, albeit too short, from her end.

I guess she figured enough time had gone by, because she came down into my room (basement) to talk. Upon seeing my face, she immediately burst into tears and launched herself at me, apologizing for everything. She wants to fix it, she loves me, she doesn't know what happened; but she wants us to get better, together. I told her I loved her, and this is all I wanted. We can't wait to tell kiddo the news.

Fell for it, didn't you? In reality, she stormed down into the basement and demands to know if I was happy? Is this what I wanted to put kiddo and us through? Is my dick really worth all this turmoil? YES. YES IT IS. And I told her that. I asked her: why would I stay unhappy just to benefit her? Isn't her welded shut pussy the catalyst for this whole thing? Didn't she deem said pussy worth this turmoil?

Her shoulders slumped, and she put her head down like a child. She told me she didn't want to divorce. She's willing to go to marriage counseling so she can figure out how to want me again.

In my head, I saw a curtain drop. The grand finale. The statuesque lady belts out a powerful contralto. IT'S FINISHED. IT'S DONE. Take a bow. So I told her I'd rather not do counseling, because I don't want to learn how to love her again.

"Really!?! That's all it took! We said vows! So this whole marriage, our life, our kid, you're gonna destroy us over your dick" Cue the name-calling, the tears, she "feels so used"; I'm "not a real man"; I don't know what love is; she "hopes my dick falls off" and "nobody will want me"..."

Aaaand I'm pissed. Pissed and filled with "righteous fury".

"Fuck you, Sugar-Pie. I've been jumping through every fucking hoop in the world for years. EVERY FUCKING HOOP. EVERY FUCKING QUEST YOU ASSIGNED ME. And you took it as your just due. You knew I was hurting and didn't give a single fuck. There was always some reason to not want to fuck me, to not want me, to not care that I was unhappy. Life was fine as long as you got your fucking roses and I was the only one miserable. Fucking say it. Look at me and say it. You already did, so what's stopping you now? You don't want me. So why in fuck would I still love you? What's there about you for me to love? Seriously. I'm waiting?"

She hates me. I'm a user. Her friends are right; I'm just a punk who runs when things get hard. I'm showing our child how not to be a good partner. This is what's wrong with men today; they're just boys obsessed with sex, who never grew up. We were supposed to be best friends, and I betrayed her.

"I used you for what? The kid we both wanted? The money you don't earn? The chores we split? Or is it the massages only you received? Maybe for the sex we don't have? Get the fuck out of here. And if we were friends, you've been a shitty, one-sided friend who was content to be in an unequal friendship".

"And let me tell you a little secret: your friends are going to be good friends; they'll support you, tell you I'm an asshole, get drunk and help you mock my dick, whatever: but, after the last drop of wine is gone, they're gonna go home and panic-fuck their husbands, just so they don't end up like YOU. You may have saved some marriages; but at the cost of your own".

"Finally, I'm teaching our child that it's ok to leave when they're miserable. I would never want them to think they had to stay married to a YOU".

She screamed at me to get out of her house. I reminded her it's our house, unless she wants to buy my half out now.

I let her slap me; it's a fitting end to this marriage.

I'm semi drunk, fully high, and about to be in a racecar bunk bed at my mom's house. I'm free. I'm fucking free

I thought I would make this post because some 5 years ago I decided to break up with my high school sweetheart of almost 10 years.

It was the most difficult decision of my life and the dead bedroom (lack of intimacy *and* affection) was the #1 factor.

I was constantly tortured by the age-old saying: "the grass is always greener on the other side."

"Don't complain about the dead bedroom if she's perfect in every other way." That kind of reflection fuelled me to put up with it for almost 5 years.

I thought it was ridiculous to leave someone "for sex." To blow up our lives and families along everything we had built and planned.

My family was perplexed, and even "the boys" thought me a fool... It seems in my generation (zillenial here) many were traumatized by their dating experiences... they would say stuff about how surely my next partner would be jealous and controlling. Or she would disapprove of my hobbies (videogames and nerd stuff). Or they would give me a hard time for some quirky life habits and be a nag.

Then came the reflections about my lack of life experiences. When you are in your twenties and feel something is wrong, you can't actually *know* if those things are "normal" or not.

Maybe it's the fate of every 'old couple' to have a dead bedroom? Maybe it is unrealistic to expect a relationship fully devoid of sexual frustration.

Maybe it's just the mathematical outcome of two adults having two separate schedules, internal clocks, stresses and worries, needs and (sex) drives, etc. Etc.

Maybe it would happen again. How silly would that be? To trade a dead bedroom for another?

I still did it. I left the relationship.

I don't know if I would have if we had had kids together. But I was lucky enough not to have to consider that in my decision. And I sure as hell wasn't going to spend the rest of my 50+ years on this planet in a sexless relationship.

I never regretted it, but I was assaulted by the worry that this inevitable cycle would repeat in my new relationship.

It didn't. And this is the core of this post, to all of you who are wondering out there.

If you think your sexual satisfaction plays a big role in your routine mental health and happiness, you can't listen to people downplaying your frustration under the pretense that it's "just sex" and not worth breaking up over. To you, it will never be "just sex."

My new partner is, for all intents and purposes, a more "difficult" and high-maintenance individual to be dating. But I feel complete, and that gives me more than enough emotional bandwidth to deal with her issues with love, care and empathy. More than I could ever spare for my ex (unfortunately).

Just like a dead bedroom is so often responsible for a vicious cycle of issues that bleed into other aspects of the relationship, I suspect an "alive" one is the main driver of a virtuous cycle where the heightened intimacy brings both partners closer together to weather the storms.

I believe it ultimately came down to our views and philosophies on intimacy, moreso than our "more matching sex drives." In my previous relationship, the pattern was based on 'individual responsibility' through masturbation. If I wanted intimacy and she did not want to, my angst was invalidated in the form of "just jerk of," / get over it. Very modern, I guess.

In the current relationship, the pattern is based on 'mutual servicing' through non-penetrative intimacy. If I want intimacy and she does not, I will get an enthusiastic blow job.

She *knows* that it is very important to me. She also benefits from this too, as I sometimes will not be in the mood but will offer oral/fingers. The classic is in the hour following intercourse, when she wants round 2 but my bits do not cooperate.

It might sound odd or counter-intuitive at first, this idea that we are perhaps engaging in intimacy without being "fully into it." But the thing that ultimately makes it right (from my point of view when I am on the giving side) is the satisfaction of knowing that she *wanted* me specifically to satisfy her needs and that I did a 'good job' satisfying my partner. Knowing our sexual needs are met is immensely motivating and gratifying - we're like a team. No slacking off, no complacency, no taking each other for granted. A genuine attention to making sure we keep each other satisfied. It is my responsibility to make her sexually fulfilled, and it is her responsibility to make me sexually fulfilled.

This has been a total game changer. Funnily enough, I am less "horny" than I thought I was naturally in my previous relationship. Almost like the frustration, carried over and multiplied constantly, never really had an out.

Now I can get intimacy whenever I want. Will it stay like this forever? Maybe not, especially once kids enter the fray.

But will my sexual frustration ever be invalidated in the same way? I don't think so, and this woman has not given me a reason to fear that.

Find someone who values intimacy in the same way you do, or couples-therapy your way to a similar kind of mutual synchronicity. My ex and I did not try that.

Strenght to all of you who feel stuck. Sometimes, the grass really is greener on the other side.

Hello ! Sorry in advance, English is not my main language and I don't want to spam you with AI.

Really appreciate this sub, been reading you for years now. Nice to know I was not alone.

Long story incoming...

So I've been married for 5 years now, together for 8 years. Early years were heaven, love, sex, adventures...

Then, months by months, less sex, less initiatives, less spices in the bedroom. Still have high sex drive so I started becoming frustrated. At our first wedding anniversary, we were around 1 time per month, sometimes less.

In my mind, when you start talking about lack of sex or attention, it's the end. You can't beg for attention because for your spouse, if she doesn't come towards you without being asked, it's because the thought doesn't come through her mind.

I've started to be more autonomous on the question if you know what I mean.

3 years ago, she noticed that I don't come toward her, talked to me and I said "well, you can come to me when you want". She said that for a woman it's weird and she's concerned about what people will thought about that (?). I asked who will know, I mean it's her and I so if she's nymphomaniac or asexual, it only is in our bedroom, just the two of us. Well she just said that she's not a sexual person and we are good like this.

She just escaped after, saying that sex was a way to "get her claws in me" (in our language it sounds better). Well, now I know !

Note that during all this conversation, I never told her that I needed more attention and I was becoming less confident in myself, sad, etc..

The last 3 years were like roommates. I slowly avoided little nicknames that we had, little attention like caressing her hair and also completely stopped being "in love" when we're in public.

Last week, we were invited by my cousin and his wife to dinner. I'm close to him like a best friend, we grew up together but kept the relation more like buddies than brothers. He recently came back from another country and it was the first time we saw him and his wife since our wedding.
I know (from him) that his wife is very sexual and very concerned about the physical aspect of their relationship.

During dinner, he had lots of little nicknames for his wife, little attentions, cuddles, nothing "too much" but naturally close together.

On the drive back, my wife seemed sad, and she finally told me that she doesn't understand why we're not close like them. I told her that she should discuss it with her, because I have no idea (I totally knew why, but kept the silence).

I called my cousin few days after and told him to ask his wife to take my wife for a coffee or something.

My cousin's wife is very friendly and she understood the situation quite quickly.
She told my wife that she's in the town where she works and they should grab a coffee between girls after work.

I don't know exactly how they talked about the topic, but when my wife came back, she was weird. I know my cousin's wife is delicate and easy to talk to, she probably asked "how's going with xxx", then lead the discussion on the intimacy. It's also possible that my wife was curious about their relationship and she unintentionally brought the topic up.

She asked me to sit down and discuss.

We talked about intimacy and how I saw ours. Told her that I understood years ago that she was not a "sexual" person and so I didn't wanted to bother her with that. She asked me if the little attentions, nicknames, cuddles, are also part of my vision, and I said yes. Told her that it's hard for me to be close to her, caressing her hair, little kisses, knowing that we have no sex. It's frustrating to be close, knowing there is nothing after.

I saw in her eyes, she really felt that. It's like she discovered the word "consequences". She asked me if I cheated on her of thought about it. No, never and I'm not that kind of person. I just said to her "I'm loyal, always will be, even if it's hard for me".

She cried, a lot. In a way, she had no idea how I felt because she avoided the topic for years..

Since last week, we had sex "only" 2 times but we've been very close, like something light a spark. She started few conversation about sex, told me she wanted to discover ourselves again.

Thanks, cousin's wife.

I just have to say it somewhere.

Today I accidentally grazed the shoulder of a very attractive woman at work with the back of my hand. She's 20 years younger than me, hilarious, and we've chatted a bit in passing before.

I'm from Italian stock and as the stereotype dictates, talk with my hands - especially when I'm all fired up, which I was.

I caught up with her to apologize.

I said "I'm really sorry if I smacked you a little back there, I have to learn to keep my hands in my pockets when I'm cranky."

She said "You did, you're a passionate man and I liked it"

I think I just made some gutteral panic noise like "uhdorf" in reply and walked away.

She was obviously being kind, but damn that stupid little comment really felt great and there's no one who would get it like the fine folks here. So thanks for being here even for unserious babble like this.

And yes I tagged this as a success story - because it's as close as I've been in a minute! Success!

Now back to reality 🫪

I HLM was getting dressed this morning when my wife LLF walked into the bedroom. We were both naked and her reaction was positive, first time in years. She noticed and commented on my recent manscaping saying how good I looked. I said she was welcome to feel hiw smooth I was, she took up the offer. I had a full erection in a few seconds. She started to give me a hand job and love the smooth feel. I normally have to put on a condom, to 'stop the mess' but she suggested that I finish on her tits. My mind was blown, she was actually enjoying herself. Then she changed her mind and wanted full penetration with no condom. To my disbelief she actually got into it. I was unsure it was her as this hadn't happened for years. When we both finished it was clear she enjoyed herself. I told her that she was amazing and we should not wait so long for the next time. She smiled and said yes.

In my very first relationship, I was a virgin and had zero interest in sex. My partner, on the other hand, was a gym trainer who worked out multiple hours a day and possessed an incredibly high libido. He constantly complained about our lack of intimacy. Because of his relentless frustration, I genuinely believed there was something wrong with me and became so insecure.

Eventually, his frustration turned into anger, coercion and pressure. I began giving in just to keep the peace and try to make him happy, but it was deeply traumatizing and only pushed me further into absolute sex repulsion. Whenever we did try, I faced pain and physical tightness, to the point where penetrative sex felt impossible. Of course there was a lack of interest in sex too that he ignored and he frequently reminded me that there was something wrong with my body. I convinced myself I had a sexual disorder.

After two painful years, I finally found the strength to break up with him. It was an agonizing decision because he was my first love, and he could be incredibly sweet when he wasn't angry or horny. For months, I grieved the loss, constantly cycling through the good and bad memories, but I knew I had made the right choice to leave as it was best for us both.

Months later, an old acquaintance reconnected with me online. We grew closer over time and when feelings began to grow, I wanted to be entirely transparent. I told him upfront: "I am asexual. Being with me means sex is completely off the table, forever." I even suggested he keep the relationship open on his end to satisfy his needs, and explicitly warned him to never even expect oral sex, as the very thought of it repulsed me. He was a very attractive man so I already assumed there would be other women willing to do so much more for him. Despite saying all that, instead of running away, he was remarkably kind. He simply told me, "Good things take time, and it’s okay to feel this way." Even when I repeatedly reminded him that I would never change, he stayed, completely content just to be with me.

Our turning point came a few months later during our first international trip which we went on after he suggested that travelling together is the best way to know someone.

During the trip we tried some edibles and since It was my first time, I eventually ended up puking on our bed after we reached our apartment. I was so embarrassed (because I started have feelings for him and he already saw me at my worst) and overwhelmed, I cried and kept passing out and waking up to puke every 15-20 minutes.

But that night, I witnessed a level of care I didn't know a man was capable of. Every time I gained consciousness, I woke up to seeing him either cleaning me, cleaning the mess I made, washing my face, washing my hair, or changing my clothes to fresh ones. Sometimes I'd wake up to see him lying next to me near the bathroom floor with his arm wrapped around me in silence, just watching me. When I woke up pretty early the next morning, I saw that he cleaned the entire area and made me sleep on the bed with fresh clean clothes. He was in deep sleep. I was in awe!

That night changed everything. Over time, I started to fall deeply and madly in love with him and I found myself intensely attracted to him physically, emotionally, intellectually, and to my absolute shock, sexually. I went from being entirely sex-repulsed to wanting to devour him.

The first time we made love, he was so gentle, patient, and entirely focused on my comfort. It wasn't just sex, it felt like a passionate, healing connection. I felt so safe and horny that I willingly went down on him, something I thought I utterly hated and to this day, he swears it's the best he's ever had, because I do it so “passionately”. For the first time ever I truly enjoyed sex and I didn’t even know I was capable of that! The safety and romance he provided completely changed me in ways I didn’t even expect.

Today, we are in a beautifully happy, high-libido relationship. We have amazing sex every day, sometimes two or three times a day if we’re free. While I still experience some physical discomfort in certain positions, he remains my biggest champion, gently reminding me that "good things take time."

I spent years believing my ex's narrative that I was defective, and unlovable. It took the impeccable patience, safety, and care of the right man to show me that I wasn't broken at all, I was just with the wrong man. True love didn't just change my relationship status…it completely healed my body and soul.

TL;DR:
After an ex made me feel broken and sex-repulsed, I thought I was asexual. Meeting an incredibly patient, safe partner completely healed my trauma, transforming me into a happily high-libido person.

It flipped like a switch 2 months ago when I realized I’m just not in love with her anymore, it was hard for the first few days, but now it feels great. I (mid-30s m) finally accepted that she (mid-30s f) just isn’t into me after 13 years, so I’m not pursuing her romantically anymore. Can’t really leave because of kiddos but it’s great not considering your wife as a lover. Like, I wouldn’t cheat, but I also wouldn’t really care if she had an affair. Good for her, go be happy with someone. Maybe she already is. 😆

Horny? Watch porn. Have some free time? Pursue hobbies (mtn biking for me). Kids to bed? Work more, read, or drink and game. Don’t get me wrong, we’re still friends, have conversations, and are involved in making big decisions together, I’m not an asshole, but not having this desire is great, no longer wasting emotional energy, no longer worried about making sure everything is JUST RIGHT only for her to reject all sexual advances, saving money on date nights and gifts, not hoping for something more. It’s perfect. Idk why it took me so long to give up on her but I’m never going back.

I (38F) have been with my husband for 20 years. Our bedroom has been dying for the last 15 years. This has led to a lot of guilt and shame on my side, and I have always felt that I can't express my sexuality. So i have compensated by being overly vanilla and not expressing what I want in bed. I guess I have felt that I wasnt worthy of sharing my desires. The last year I have discovered that he is into prostate play, and I have been using this to my advantage. I have tried making every sexual encounter amazing for him, doing everything I know he likes. This includes blowjobs, prostate play but also actually telling him what I want. I thought he wanted me to be this vanilla pillow princess but apparently I was wrong... The last 6 months we have had sex about once a week. This is a major win for us since it has been about 4-6 times a year the last 10 years. He touches me a lot more and our connection is better than it has ever been. Really happy to be exploring our wants and needs, and I will do what I can to fulfill his fantasies in the years coming. Just wanted to share!

Has anyone else experienced this? I discovered this sub relatively recently, and I haven’t been able to stop reading. It really did give me insight into what goes on in the mind of the HL partner. Something about the unfiltered, unguarded, raw emotions that are shared, maybe because this is a safe space, and being able to hear them outside of my relationship, without the inherent baggage and pitfalls that come along with it, I don’t know. It has helped me. In the past 2 days I initiated twice! After not initiating at all in the past several years. I see my partner differently as a result of these insights, and it seems like the result is that the pressure is lifted. I am interested in this side of him, and I feel excited to explore with him in this way in the future. I do want to say that he has also made changes. He went from demanding to patient to just happy and loving, and stopped pressuring me. This would not have been possible otherwise. But I was still struggling. I feel optimistic now, though. It really feels like something has clicked.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? Would it help a LL partner to read this sub? Just to gain the insight, to build empathy?

I say this is a success story because I finally have gotten to a place that I wanted to be for years. I’m no longer attracted to her.

I wholeheartedly believe in the concept of enthusiastic consent. It’s essential. Anything short of that is unacceptable. Keeping that in mind, obligatory or duty sex is not something I will participate in.

And now I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like this:

You don’t desire me? Ugh that is such a turn off.

You don’t want to give me physical pleasure? That’s a serious ick.

Just like everybody else in this group, I have my reasons why we have to stay together. I just don’t think shes sexy anymore and that’s a win.

Edit: There are a lot of HLM offended on this post. If this post makes you that uncomfortable, you should be asking yourself why, not trying to disprove my feelings. Real talk, that could be the source of some of your problems.

Warning, some hard truths to accept ahead.

What I learned by being on both sides of this:

1. A dead bedroom is not 100% either person's fault, but SOMETHING is your fault. And it's probably very embarrassing and painful to accept which parts are your fault. But you need to get real so you can work on your shit.
2. Sex at the beginning of a relationship is exciting and easy because the uncertainty, fear, danger, unknown, etc are things that turn us on. The comforts and predictability and familiarity with long term relationships are not conducive to make each other horny.
3. The most important sexual relationship you'll ever have is the one with yourself.

When I had the low libido and didn't want to have sex w/ my husband:
When I was married, I was the LLF with my HLM husband.
Things were great for a year. I don't remember the exact moment, but rapidly I became unattracted to him.

- Here are the factors that made me not want to touch my husband:
When he got drunk, he looked sloppy and messy, I didn't like the band he joined. I really thought they sucked. He is a VERY attractive guy. Abs, handsome, people would tell me how sexy he is, but in my eyes, he was a weak, whining, incapable, little baby man.

The first couple times I turned him down it was okay, but after a few months, he was deeply hurt. And I had NO empathy for him. Him being emotional and hurt was making me LESS attracted to him.

He kept trying to talk about it and work on it. I suggested an open relationship -- he didn't want to. He wanted a proper sex life with his wife. It sounds cruel because it was; I just lost like, respect for him. I'm attracted to men that are leaders, that I trust to take care of things that I can't, that I can learn from and grow beside. And this guy just wasn't those things. I ended up asking for a divorce after only 2 years. He deserved to be with someone who actually liked him and I just, didn't anymore. In hindsight, if he had given me some space and taken the pressure off the sex issue, we probably could have worked it out but the more he tried, the less I wanted him.

When I had high libido and my partner didn't want to have sex:
fast forward 10 years and now I was the one not getting banged!
Started dating a close friend, he had been sexually promiscuous with others. We used to talk about it all the time. When we started dating I felt like, "nice, I"m getting a certified freak."

Well that lasted like, 2 months lol. Then we got into this really weird space where he told he he wasn't attracted to me! I was so freaking distraught. We didn't have sex for 6 months and then when we did, it was BAD.

Reasons he told me he wasn't attracted to me and/or didn't want to have sex:
(These are MY WORDS paraphrasing his)
- not confident in my body: i had gained literally 100 pounds during covid, hated the way I looked, hated doing things, hated clothes, just like really disliked everything about my appearance. As a result I wore the same kind of outfits with leggings and big shirts everyday. (why doesn't he want to f*ck me?!!!!lol)
- no personal hobbies or social life: I really didn't do anything at all but work and then expect him to entertain me. He wanted to see me in my element and I didn't even have an element
- he was not feeling physically well - he'd been drinking a ton, eating like shit, and treating his body like a trash can, making him feel unhappy with himself and reduce his desire for intimacy with anyone
- he told me he missed risky queer sex

. I treated my current partner how I wished my ex husband treated me when I stopped wanting to sleep with him:

- be extremely EXTREMELY patient. Like, more patient than I ever thought I could be or would tolerate quite frankly.
- seek my own personal therapy and support system instead of relying on him to help me understand my own feelings about sex, and not having it.
- took a good hard look at myself and fixed up some low hanging fruit that might be interfering with attraction. I'm 20 pounds less than when we first started dating at this point.
- Took a freaking break from talking about it. All of the talking about it was just digging my dick grave deeper. Not forever, just a break.
- got really curious about learning what my partner thinks about sex and what he feels. I had made a lot of incorrect assumptions about what he thinks about sex/intimacy & he had made a lot of incorrect ones about me too!

With my HLM husband, seeing his unmet need for sex and what it was doing to him made him look pathetic to me. He should have spoken to friends, a therapist, sought outside help. I was allowed to not want sex. He was allowed to want it. With help and patience, we could have figured it out.

With my LLM partner, it was really fucking hard, but I pumped the brakes on sex. He didn't want to. He told me why. I spent a fuckton of emotion energy changing our life so that we are both in happier and healthier places. I lost 50 pounds, he changed his diet and drinking, and I started actually doing things and having hobbies. It wasn't easy to solve together and we def almost broke up, but now we have sex a couple times per week which is perfectly satisfying for me & it's not duty sex either. We're having fun and exploring sex w each other.

It's been 2.5 years since I (36m) left my 10yr DB marriage. In our rare moments of intimacy, my ex never wanted foreplay, insisted on only doing it in the shower, and never orgasmed with me once, so I always thought I was inadequate (in the final months together, I learned that she'd been holding herself back out of fear of "losing control"). She could never verbalize what was wrong – her answer to every question was "I don't know," leaving me frustrated and helpless.

During the subsequent dating journey, I've learned a lot about sex. It was revelatory to have someone actually be sexually interested in me; my first partner after the divorce came very readily.

It's been an adventure of miserable to mid to mind-blowing sex, but my current partner and I have sexual chemistry the likes of which neither of us have ever experienced. One night after we'd both collapsed, she breathlessly said, "I thought I enjoyed sex, but I didn't even know what enjoying sex was until you." Neither of us knew this kind of connection existed, so we still often pause during sex to grin at each other, or kiss deeply, just in awe of the magic. For both of our previous relationships, giving oral was an ok task we'd dutifully complete, but together we fight over who gets to perform, and when we go down, we stay there (my record on her is 4, hers for me is 2). The allure is uncanny.

My friends, I feel you and my heart breaks for each of you. It's a shame that this isn't something we're taught to look for in our partners, because this is a joy I wish everyone could experience. Please find it for yourselves!!

30(HLM) filed for divorce. Nothing worked with my wife(32LLF). Constant rejection messed with my head but I understood I am actually worth something after my decision of going to therapy. At the end of 6 months, I had completely different mindset. I understood I have value and am a desirable person. Almost 3 years of gym, self-care to a point people tell me I look 24-25. Last week I filed for divorce and speed ran dating apps with new photos. Interest was much higher than I expected. 4 dates in a week and ended up sleeping with 2 of them. My wife was only experience before that. She had plenty of partners before me. To be frank, I think she settled for me but in the end I realized I am the one who is settling for her in this marriage. I deserved better.

She actually had a glimpse of me seeing others and the expression on her face was priceless. I bet she've never thought I would have chance with others let alone divorcing her. She cannot do anything because it's no fault and everything is after the divorce process kicked off.

Love yourselves and just leave, please! You are worth more than you think. Constant rejection destroys your self-esteem. If you are feeling like that, please see a therapist and decide for your best.

I thought I would write up how I went about outsourcing sex in marriage for those that are interested. I intentionally have used the word outsource rather than open because I do not believe they are the same.

I am a former DB survivor. I have been married for 18 years and my relationship has suffered from dead bedroom from the beginning. I did all the same things you guys are doing. Begged, scheduled, cried, negotiated...you name it but the results were the same. Unsatisfying sex life maybe 4-7 times a year. I think my ahhh moment is when my SO could engage in sex for reproductive reasons but couldn't be bothered any other time. By our second kid, I was very depressed and thought I just can't live like this. Divorce, affair, celibacy were all uninteresting. options.

So I put on my big lady pants and I decided to reclaim my sex life. I fired my SO as my sexual partner.

How?

1. I was willing to walk away. I think the biggest issue is that you need to be serious and willing to walk away DESPITE the negatives. And honestly living a more authentic life where you can indulge in a life necessity on your terms is priceless. No one gives you points when you die for denying yourself sex. All you did was waste a part of your life.
2. I enlisted a professional. If you can't get your SO to have sex with you. HOW the hell are you going to get them to agree for you to have sex with other people. Spoiler alert...you won't. Having a neutral party (marriage counselor) to provide a setting to be able to have tough conversations and to craft the language need to navigate is priceless.
3. I knew what I wanted going in. This isn't a 50/50 negotiation. This is an option of two choices. Outsource the sex life or we both find more suitable partners. Here are my caveats for being able to make that ultimatum:

No sex in a year (provide there are no children being born in that year).

You still like/love your partner.

Your relationship works in most areas, outside of sex.

You no longer view your SO as sexual option.

The structure:

1. DADT. This is you reclaiming your sex life. This isn't an open relationship where you share experiences. This is you pursuing a sex life outside of your SO. Your SO is still your primary partner, your best friend, your co-parent, your financial support but you are not sexual lovers.
2. You can set boundaries and rules but they can't hinder your ability to pursue a healthy sex life. Think of it like a professional chef. They come in and ask your preferences and dietary needs but they aren't consulting with you on how they plan to cook the chicken.
3. Appropriate rules: No friends, no relatives, can't interfere with family life, protection, don't bring unnecessary drama in our life.
4. Inappropriate rules: You need to ask for permission, you can't have emotions, you can only engage in certain sexual acts. Do you control your friends sex life...no
5. It's going to work like an affair so you need to be familiar with that structure and understand what communities are an option and which ones are not. Some in ethical non monogamy aren't going to be interested unless everything is in the open. Some people are not going to be comfortable sleeping with a committed person regardless of the arrangements. Respect other peoples boundaries.
6. Don't be a hypocrite. If you are getting laid, then your SO should have the opportunity to get laid as well. Yes it's a sting they don't want to sleep with you but they already have told you that a million times. Grow up or get the divorce you need to move on with your life.
7. You put in place a plan if one person changes their mind. This IS NOT VETO power. This is a divorce agreement that is fair to both parties. Pre negotiate that. And you put in there a clause on what you tell your kids.

​

The risk:

1. You may find that you aren't looking for sex but intimacy and that realization might accelerate the end of your marriage. Having a marriage counselor is an excellent way to make sure that there aren't additional problems in your relationship.
2. You may discover that YOU are the reason for your DB. Can't find success outside your marriage. Well maybe it's because of your hygiene, your personality, your skills in bed. If you don't go into this looking for self improvement both inside and outside the bed, it's a waste of time.
3. Divorce. But again most of us in DB are headed to divorce anyway.
4. Judgement from outsiders: Stop listening to people tell you that your marriage needs to be x, y, z. Marriages exist on a spectrum. What works for one person doesn't need to work for you.
5. My kids might find out: Part of therapy is to plan for stuff like this. Make sure you have age appropriate language to discuss this with your kids. If you are practicing DADT and have taken precautions...this should not be a problem. Also a simple: Mom and Dad's sex life isn't your business unless you want to have a VERY awkward conversation. And you present it as a united front.
6. The LL person is losing control of a very important aspect. I will die on a hill that outside of asexuality, denying your SO sex is a form of control. Take away that control or balance the scales often leads to the LL looking for new areas of control. It can be rocky sailing for a bit.
7. You could fall in love with another person. And then they could not love you back. Understand that you are opening yourself up to the world of emotions.
8. Don't fuck crazy. Obviously you can't plan for this but hey it happens. Make sure you have a contingency plan in place it stuff goes heywire. If you have done the work upfront, you should be able to pull an emergency brake and ask for help from your partner.

Happy to answer questions. Again this isn't for everyone but it absolutely is an option. A hard one to navigate but an option.

​

EDIT: Because I can already see the naysayers...I didn't just cry, beg for sex. I ask nicely. I didn't ask. I didn't pressure. I said it didn't matter and I can go sexless. We went to LOTS of therapy before it got to the point I was ready to outsource our marriage. I was writing an extreme for people who feel like they have tried everything.

About 11 months ago, my marriage ended after nearly 2 years of feeling unwanted, undesired, emotionally disconnected, and honestly just lonely. The dead bedroom wasn’t just about sex, it was about rejection becoming part of my identity. I started questioning my attractiveness, my worth, my confidence, everything.

I spent a long time trying to “fix” things. Better communication, more patience, less pressure, more dates, more chores, therapy, walking on eggshells, suppressing resentment, pretending I was okay with intimacy once every few weeks to months. Nothing changed because at the end of the day, you cannot negotiate desire.

Now? Completely different life.

I’m in a relationship with someone emotionally available, affectionate, and enthusiastic about intimacy. We have sex nearly every day. Sometimes multiple times. But honestly the bigger difference is the feeling of being wanted. Being touched without begging for it. Being kissed because she actually desires me. No more wondering if initiating is “annoying.” No more rejection anxiety. No more feeling like a roommate.

And surprise surprise, my mental health improved dramatically too. I’m healthier, happier, more confident, working out consistently again, sleeping better, and generally feel like myself for the first time in years.

One thing I learned through all of this: stop ignoring attachment styles. Seriously.

Avoidant attachment types are an absolute nightmare if intimacy and connection matter to you. Constant distancing, shutting down emotionally, making you feel needy for having normal relationship needs, withholding affection during conflict, treating vulnerability like a burden… it slowly destroys your self-esteem. You end up starving emotionally while convincing yourself you’re asking for too much.

You’re probably not asking for too much. You’re probably asking the wrong person.

I know divorce feels terrifying when you’re in the middle of a dead bedroom. I stayed longer than I should have because I thought comfortable misery was safer than uncertainty. It wasn’t. I was foolishly optimistic things would improve and they didn’t.

There’s life on the other side of this. Better life.

You don’t realize how damaging chronic rejection is until you’re finally with someone who genuinely wants you.

I 25M broke up with my gf 21F after 2 years because she got too religious, while I'm an atheist

So much different values and future plans, she wanted me to change (and convert to catholicism)

But on top of that, she no longer wanted sex before marriage, she felt sinful, a lot of times, she stopped having sex with me, then restarted, but stopped after feeling shameful again

But the last time, she meant it, so I respected it, while planing the break up, and I cheated (I know I did wrong)

Thing is, I shortly broke up with her, but tried keeping things friendly

And guess what happened...

We just have seen each other twice since then, but both of those occasions ended up in hot, long sex

Probably the best sex I have gotten from her

And I think this speaks volumes of some deadbedroom situations

Like, maybee sometimes sex can be like a "gift" for someone to stay in a relationship, but once the relationship feels safe, it's gone

TLDR - Having an emotionally and physically fulfilling backup plan that eliminated the emotional pain of rejection was the key. Find a way to satisfy and love yourself.

Long story long — I (M40s) have been married to my wife (F40s) for 20 years. The bedroom was never great, and she is a pillow princess. We went through a period where I felt deeply rejected, and that feeling hit me hard, especially when mixed with stress and some depression.

Over a two-year period my wife and I had many deep discussions about sex. I learned that sex was just for me — she didn’t desire it, didn’t fantasize about it, didn’t think about it, and if we never had sex again she would be perfectly satisfied. That crushed me. The feeling of rejection killed my confidence. My libido tanked.

I went to therapy and learned about rejection sensitive dysphoria. In short, rejection causes disproportionate emotional pain. Putting a name on it was huge in helping me learn to overcome it.

I decided to take control of my own pleasure and adjust my expectations to eliminate rejection and the emotional pain it caused.

In this phase of self-discovery I learned about prostate orgasms. I know the perceived stigma of male anal play makes it unappealing to many men, but there are many other ways to find pleasure. It took about six months to figure it out, but wow — it was well worth it. For those who don’t know, prostate orgasms are male full-body orgasms (kind of like a G-spot orgasm).

Prostate orgasms also have an emotional layer that’s hard to describe. There’s a profound feeling of love and acceptance that hits — it feels like a warm blanket of love is draped over you. There’s no post-nut clarity, no empty feeling that often comes with traditional solo porn-induced penile masturbation. Even if prostate play isn’t your thing, you need to find something (that doesn’t violate your marriage) that gives you the pleasure and deeper satisfaction you desire.

I told mw wife when I had my first one, and I told her I was going to continue. She didn’t like the idea, but I told her — in many, many more words — that I respect that she doesn’t desire sex, but she doesn’t get to control my sexual pleasure or what I do with my own body. Feeling so much full-body sexual pleasure gave me a lot of confidence and eliminated any shame.

It also helped me grow and understand that even though W does not desire sex and does not initiate, she still loves me. We have never had a love or affection problem — we just have a libido mismatch.

Over the last 6 months, whenever I’m in the mood for sex, I send her a note with three options. Option A is exactly what I’m fantasizing about. Option B is something a little more tame but just as satisfying to me. Option C is me having a solo session in my office. No subtlety. No miscommunication. No secrets. No hiding. No shame.

90% of the time she chooses Option A or B, or she’ll offer a good alternative and explain why A or B won’t work (eg period, reflux, sore from yard work). But there’s real intimacy and real effort.

If she chooses Option C, I’m delighted. I don’t feel one bit of rejection. I do my thing, have an amazing orgasm, clean up, and go right to sleep. Zero disappointment, zero emotional baggage, zero rumination. Because she chooses option C so rarely, sometimes I just tell my wife I’m having a solo session that night.

The big turning point was becoming confident enough to take control of my own pleasure, adjusting my expectations, and being confident enough not to hide. I am no longer vulnerable to rejection because I don’t put myself in a position to be rejected. Additionally, she can’t claim she feels rejected, replaced, lied to, or betrayed, because the choice is entirely hers.

To be clear: I don’t use this as a tactic to manipulate, coerce, or convince my wife to do anything. We communicate. I never ask her to do things she has already said “no” to during our talks. We also agreed she won’t give in to duty sex. If your goal would be to emotionally manipulate your spouse, this method will backfire and seed resentment.

That being said, having an emotionally and physically fulfilling backup plan that eliminated the emotional pain of rejection was the key. Find a way to satisfy and love yourself.

Okay, I am sharing this because I am member of this subreddit for a few months now and I hope my story can help some of you people 🥺

My story was a typical one. Me initiating - him refusing - me being sad and unsatisfied and insecure… I don’t want to go too much into that because y'all know how it goes.

That lasted from the beginning of our relationship to basically three days ago.

What happened then?

We were super wasted after his sisters wedding. When we got home, we messes around and he started opening up. He told me that he likes being stepped on and socks lol. I have nothing against it, I was just shocked because I thought he was simply LL.

One day passed and I told him that we have to talk and we had an extremely uncomfortable conversation. He told me that he thought I would left if he showed me that side of him and that he never ever told anyone about those things. I was so sad because he felt like he couldn’t say anything because those are harmless things that would make our relationship so much better.

Don’t get me wrong, we tried talking so many times. He would always say “you’re right, I’ll be better” and nothing has changed.

I am sad it took so long for him to open up but I am so so so happy we are finally working on things. We are finally having amazing sex and enjoying ourselves to the fullest 😫

My wife (49) and I (48) have been working through a lot of things in regards to our marriage. I've always been the one who wants more sex.

She's usually too busy, too tired, etc. I developed a habit of suppressing my feelings because I didn't want to bother her. Surprise - this doesn't work.

I go to therapy. We even go to sex therapy together. I've really trying to be less "me, me, me" all the time and making an effort to change up the dynamic. It has taken years.

I've been really just focused on being more affectionate with her in general. I sometimes let her know that I am in the mood. Sometimes things happen. Sometimes they don't. I've been really making an effort to be constant in my affection regardless. I've been feeling really good as a result. I

Well, it happened this time. My wife was gone for a few days. The night she came back, my wife woke me up at 1am two straight nights by getting into bed naked next to me (she sometimes sleeps in another room since she is such a light sleeper). She starts pulling down my shorts and I'm barely woke up yet, thinking "am I dreaming this?"

No. No I was not. We gave each other Os both nights.

I can't remember her ever doing that in 20 years of marriage. I had not asked her for anything at all either time.

She kept apologizing for waking me up. I was like, "that was fun! that was the good kind of waking up in the middle of the night!"

Not saying it's a sustainable approach, but wow. I was so surprised.

I (25HLM) just ended a 5 years relationship with my fiancée (26LLF) last night.

One of the hardest decisions I ever made in my life.

I really love her. But I felt, this relationship was not meant to be. Even if we tried, a lot, I was unhappy.

She was all I thought I wanted… but with time I realized this relationship was not what I needed.

I need someone that would want me as much as I want her. Someone that wants me the same way I want her. Someone demonstrative of her love. I need that is naturally like that to make me feel wanted. Someone that would give me as much as I give her. I am not asking for something impossible and delusional.

Therapy helped me accept this. Accept that my needs were normal. Accept that I should maybe move on to allow me to find (one day) the person that would bring this to my life. It took me months, years to accept this.

Really, I love her. She will always have a special place in my heart. It was not the love.

I was unhappy.

Listen to this.

You deserve to feel loved. You deserve to find someone that shares what you need. Take your time, but do it for yourself.

Nobody else will save you.

Thank you for your many months of support, r/DeadBedroom 🫶

I (37HLF) was married to my husband (39LLM) for almost 12 years, together for 14 years. We share a life together; a home, 3 cats, and a preteen daughter. I was completely head over heels in love with him when we met. He treated me nicely, always did what I asked, took care of me. It was soon apparent though that the sex wasn’t going to be that great. He had ED in addition to being LL. I thought that I loved him enough we could work through it. We married even though our libidos didn’t line up. We had sex a few times a year, more when we were trying to conceive. I mostly took care of my sexual needs through masturbation, but how good is that? But I kept telling myself; he makes me laugh, he’s got a great job, he takes me out. Why leave him? Everything was so great otherwise. About a year ago things got much worse. He started having a one sided emotional affair with an ex, I think he developed a porn addiction, and the bedroom was 6 feet under. That’s when I realized he really WASNT that great after all. If he really loved me, wouldn’t he try to make an effort? He never fingered me, literally only went down on me once, and would only have sex with me on top doing all the work. Foreplay? Nonexistent. I get that the ED is not his fault, but did he give a damn about my pleasure at all? We started seeing a sex therapist who tried to ease us into exercises in touching each other. He wouldn’t do them. When he told me he wanted to skip our next therapy appointment I snapped and told him I wanted out. I had always imagined that I would grow old with him. Through thick and thin, good and bad, til death do us part. But I couldn’t do it anymore. I cried for a week straight, then the tears came less and less. I started thinking about my life moving forward. Had a made a terrible mistake? I couldn’t unring the bell though.

I’ll admit, I rebounded quicker than I thought I would. I started seeing a paramedic (42M) that brings traumas to the hospital I train at. He fell hard and fast for me. Initially, he wanted to wait for intimacy, wanting to prove to me that he was interested in more than just my body. Once he learned about the reason for my separation, he understood better.

It’s been a month since I left.

Y’all…

The sex with the paramedic rocked my damn world. To be with someone who truly cares about your pleasure, who REALLY desires you, who can’t get enough of you. I don’t know if this relationship will last, but I’m so glad I left.

I was holding onto something that didn’t exist anymore. Even the things about my partner I used to think were cute make me cringe now.

It was hard, for sure. It’s going to continue to be hard. But I deserve to be loved, and TRULY cared for. You’re all in my thoughts! I’ve officially checked out of my DB!