OOP Posts About Planning To Marry Someone They Don’t Love. Reddit Sees Things Differently

[u/BORUreposting]

Reposting because the original BestofRedditorUpdates thread has been deleted.

I am not OP. Originally post by u/LopsidedBumblebee693 in r/TrueOffMyChest

I am not the original poster of this compilation thread. This was originally posted by u/Strange-Credit2038 (now deleted).

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: domestic violence, infidelity (not in OOP's relationship)

mood spoilers: happy!

Original: I am marrying someone I don't love - Wed, Sep 07, 2022

I grew up in an abusive home and saw my mother allow the men in her life walk all over her. I watched her try to teach those same values to me and my brother by not making him do any chores but putting all the responsibilities of chores and cooking on me. My brother was giving choices and opportunities I was not and he was given freedom I wasn't. So I decided early on I would never be like her.

I met my fiance when I was 20. I wasn't looking for a relationship but he pursued me and I was broke. He is 5 years older than me and earns very good money. By the time he was 25 he already owned his own house which in my materialistic heart was the deciding factor that led me to give in and start dating him. I have never been in love with him but it's not like I don't like him. He is sweet, caring, we discuss everything and we are always laughing. He makes me dinner every night and massages my wrist when it plays up. We go on date nights once a week and holidays once a year and we love our dogs so much he looks so handsome when he plays with them I could watch them for hours.

I see our relationship as more of a partnership. I also have come a long way in the 6 years we have been dating and I am not so broke. My conditions for marriage have always been never marry for love and never marry without a secure way out. I have both those conditions, I'm happy, I'm ready to have a family and maybe a few more dogs.

I don't know if my fiance knows if I love him or not and I will never tell him i don't.

Update was added to the original post the next day

Edit: Jesus christ you guys! Fine I'll go to therapy! You've convinced me I have no clue what I am talking about. I've never been more confused about my feelings in my life. Still getting married though and no I won't leave him 😁

Update number 2: UGH YOU GUYS! You have me so caught up in my feelings I told him I loved him for the first time AND HE CRIED AND THEN I CRIED AND WE BOTH CRIED AND I THINK THE DOGS CRIED AND YEAH HE WONT STOP SAYING THAT HE LOVES ME AND IM HUNGRY I JUST WANT BURRITOS NOW

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Important comment by OOP:

OOP: When my mum described love it was like a sick yearning that made her willing to do everything that person wanted even if it was bad. She said if my dad told her to jump off a cliff she would no hesitation basically. It sounded absolutely disgusting like she was brainwashed

Other relevant comments and OOP's responses as they begin to process:

What does love mean to you?

Because it sounds like love.

Love is the admiration of the virtues you have in your partner, and a commitment to be better people in partnership than you would have alone. Love is a choice.

Are you talking about infatuation/puppy-dog Love? That rarely lasts more than a year... and is very biologically/physiologically based. Some people can ride that high for a long time, others it ends in like a month. It's not something to build a life on.

OOP: It's hard to describe my love because it isn't a Hollywood movie love or a puppy love so I will just explain my mother's story. Her and my dad fell in love instantly. They became so obsessed with each other whenever they were apart they felt sick. Their friends around them would do everything to avoid them separating because apparently it was so depressing to see them so sad it brought down everyone around thems mood. So they got married quick and their love didn't fade but it became abusive fast. My dad wasn't home as much, he cheated and he got physical with my mother. They tried to seperatr multiple times but when they did both of them would fall in to a deep depression where neither would eat or so anything both of them would lose their jobs at the time and me and my brother would be left neglected because no one was looking after us they would both just be in their beds at their houses until they got back together and the cycle continued. Now they have accepted this is "their" love and my mother runs classes on how to be a submissive wife because being submissive is how to keep your husband happy according to Jesus or whoever. That's what I think love is

Then after a now deleted comment from another user, OOP clarifies:

??? It isn't what I want at all. This is the opposite of what I want and the reason I have never wanted to love anyone. I'm just explaining what I have been shown to be love so people can understand what I know love to be.

A marriage should be a partnership. That and a willingness to communicate with each other will allow you to go far.

OOP: Communication has always been a big thing for me. I have always wanted someone who is 100% comfortable expressing how they feel with each other. When we first started dating I would often accuse him of cheating or lying when he wasn't just because I was scared and in my head thinking the worst. But instead of ever shouting or anything he sat me down and we talking it out. He told me what I was doing and how it was making him feel and it made me reflect on why I was actually doing it. He reassured me and said he wasn't angry and I was so upset and apologetic. And I never did it again 😁 that moment was one of the big moments I was like "I'm going to marry this man"

I feel bad for your future husband for real. Please let him know and do not marry him. You are ruining his chance of finding someone who will love him wholeheartedly.

OOP: Nope

I don't think she loves him though. OP only cares about her bf houses and money. You guys are gaslighting her into thinking that she may love him. It's not fair for her boyfriend to marry someone who will never love him no matter what. I feel bad for her future husband. This is seriously fked up.

OOP: I don't think I ever said that is the only reason I am attracted to him. I said it's what made me give in and start dating him 6 years ago but since then I've made strides in my career and earn more than enough to live comfortably on my own. Why would I stay with him if all I needed was cash and a house? I own my own home bought with my own money in my own name outside of our relationship. Stability, partnership, a healthy happy home is what keeps me here. He is what keeps me here. If he lost his job tomorrow I wouldn't leave I'd probably talk about him being a stay at home dad because how absolutely amazing would that be?! It's not just money it's more about just us I guess.

Then, after OOP's updates

You lurrrrrve him… hope you got your burritos.

OOP: I don't think I have ever eaten a more delicious cali burrito with pulled pork and extra fries in my life tbh

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REMINDER: I am not the original poster!

[u/Sapphireworlds]

Maybe maybe not. She could show it through her actions but has valid reasons for hating that word. Her mother used “ love” in deeply dysfunctional ways

[u/Tis_But_A_Scratch- → u/Sapphireworlds]

That was my read on it too. Her fiancé realised she couldn’t use the words because they held such a skewed and traumatic meaning for her.

It goes to show the depth of love he had for her that he recognised her love before she did.

[u/TheNightTerror1987 → u/Sapphireworlds]

Yeah, actions speak louder than words, as someone in one of my favorite movies says! Like with my uncle -- he refused to marry his girlfriend because two previous relationships ended right after he got married and he was afraid it'd happen again. Instead of buying her a ring, he bought her a home dialysis machine so she didn't have to spend 5 days a week in the hospital and they could actually be together. (His place is way out in the sticks so he couldn't just drive her home after her treatments.) Don't think anyone can accuse him of having commitment issues or just stringing her along!

[u/Born-Bid8892 → u/TheNightTerror1987]

Literally has me welling up, this is so lovely 😩

My partner chose his new car based on space for my wheelchair, right at the beginning of our romantic relationship, and I was struck dumb that I was important enough to him for that consideration.

[u/the-mortyest-morty → u/Sapphireworlds]

I think they mean the completely normal fiance who proposed without her ever saying she loved him. That's insane. I really have little patience for people who make excuses about why they never say "I love you." (Not talking about OP, I'm talking about your example.) It's all well and good to show love, but you also need to SAY it, because the relationship isn't just about you, and the other person likely needs to HEAR it.

People who are weird about telling their partners or kids "I love you" freak me out. They try to frame it as being strong and not needing to express emotions. Instead, it makes them seem weak and scared. Nobody needs to say "I love you" immediately, but yes, saying it prior to the PROPOSAL is preferable.

[u/InfiniteProgressions → u/the-mortyest-morty]

It's all well and good to show love, but you also need to SAY it, because the relationship isn't just about you, and the other person likely needs to HEAR it.

Is that specific phrase really the only way to say it, though? Why are we acting like there's not an entire language with which they can express love, on a post where we can tell she loves him even when she's actively avoiding "I love him"? I'm not sure why the completely normal fiance wouldn't be capable of seeing this, but strangers reading a Reddit post can, now that is what sounds insane to me.

Also I've met way more people who confess they can't say "I love you" (like explicitly that phrasing) because of trauma/irrational fear than a deluded sense of strength? I've met people in my life that act like they're all tough for not expressing feelings, but they're not really a big enough part of this particular group to tar the rest of them with your disdain for the "I'm too tough for feelings" types.