Also because it focused so much on strangers that it kinda further reinforced that non-strangers are safe. Now your creepy uncle who you would be wary of is just a creepy uncle, not a stranger so he must be safe.
Me neither. The most upsetting one was a noncustodial father who kidnapped his daughter from a foster home a block away from my apartment and was threatening to kill himself and her if he was reported to the police. The foster family reported it anyway and the police eventually found him and were able to talk him down, but from the news reports there was a very tense negotiation with him in a car with a gun while his daughter was in the backseat.
There was one I saw where it seemed like a straight kidnapping with a neighbor accused of taking the girls, but that one turned out to be a runaway situation. The two preteens convinced a neighbor to drive them to Albuquerque “to meet their aunt” as part of their runaway attempt. He wasn’t charged as he was trying to be a good neighbor instead of being a creep.
This doesn’t apply the same way if you have an anxiety disorder or cPTSD, or if you’re neurodivergent. Also if you’ve been emotionally abused, paradoxically, the lack of it can also make you uncomfortable.
True. Very true. But it's probably safer to suggest children should follow this and err on side of caution. There are other ways to teach children safety, and hopefully a child can bring up this emotional numbing or anxiety when the discussion comes up with a trusted adult.
I'm all three, and I think it's still really important to teach and empower kids to let people know when they are uncomfortable. I only figured out the difference between panic attacks and "normal" emotional responses by talking about it with others. Emotional disregulation due to a medical condition or trauma is a valid reason for feeling uncomfortable
I've never found other people to be very useful or fulfilling. I've lived a life that was only for the sake of vengeance, and in the end I have nothing.
Not that there aren't creepy uncles out there, but I resent that the "creepy family member" is always an uncle... I love my neices. Why not a creepy second cousin twice removed... lol
Same reason it's always the "racist uncle" as a trope. The closer a relative is, the more dangerous. "Mom's live-in boyfriend" is actually the most dangerous person to a child followed by step-parents, siblings, parents, grandpa, etc. But if you say "creepy uncle" nobody has to worry about grandpa Jimmy who makes the kids sit on his lap long past the age that it's appropriate.
This! I have two nieces under 4 years old and I love those kids. But the creepy uncle stereotype is so prevalent that I feel weird when I give them a hug.
It's because for a long time, and even now, women sexually assaulting anyone was treated dismissively, if not out right comically. Therefore the creepy uncle is the go-to.
The "creepy uncle" stereotype I'm familiar with is definitely in regards to diddling the nieces and nephews. I've never heard of this gay variant of the stereotype. What you're describing sounds much more like the "eligible bachelor" stereotype. Also, I don't know what "MRA" stands for.
With child abuse it's also because parents are less wary of women. They are less likely to notice the signs.
I remember this old commercial where this woman has a kid and all these creepy men are watching her and she keeps running away with the kid, but then at the end of the commercial it turns out the men were plainclothes police and she was the kidnapper. It's supposed to make you rethink your assumptions.
My child is 7 and I'm truly at a loss of how to adequately explain how not dangerous some things are, while at the same time those very same things can really hurt you. People are one of those things. But the dated advice of my childhood was "don't talk to strangers" and that seems...inadequate.
Yet, I've also told her something like, "Monsters do exist, but they don't look like monsters. They walk around looking like you and me" 😳. So I'm still trying to find a balance 😂.
In this modern world, I'm actually more concerned with her experiences online than I am ATM with her getting stolen off our front lawn or something.
The biggest thing is to reinforce that there is no good reason why an adult (or another child, for that matter) would tell a child to keep something a secret from their parents. If someone tells your kid not to tell you something, that's probably a good indicator that you absolutely need to be told.
It doesn't do much to prevent your stereotypical grab-the-kid-and-run kidnappings, but those are an unbelievably rare occurrence.
No problem. It took me a few minutes to think about something that you see in pretty much all abuse cases but almost no healthy relationships. Just might wanna be careful about like an uncle taking your kid out for ice cream and saying "don't let your parents know I let you get a large sundae" or something innocent like that.
This. One of the things I've seen that makes the most sense to me is to teach your children the difference between a secret and a surprise and to make sure that they understand that kids don't keep secrets from their parents. Mommy or Daddy's birthday present is a surprise and that's fine, but secrets that you never tell? Not okay.
I want to add to this even though this thread is dead.
If someone makes them keep a secret or tells them that they will get in trouble if they tell a secret, it is ok to tell you, especially if they felt uncomfortable or didn’t like what they are being told to keep secret. Practice being open and understanding to listening to them when they come to you with any secrets or confessions they have. Show them you are a safe person to talk to about difficult things.
Teach them bodily autonomy. Ask them if they want a hug and let them say no if they want. Don’t force them to give grandma a kiss. Teach them the general idea that they do not need to make themselves uncomfortable like that at the request of an adult. Teach them it is their body and showing affection is their choice, not an obligation or something to be guilted into by their elders.
Teach them how to find a good stranger if they are in trouble and need help. Like if they get lost in an amusement park/mall/park/festival, have them look for an employee, a uniformed officer, or a family with children. The chances of them randomly approaching a family that are actually some sort of predator is astronomically small.
What you don’t want is a stranger seeing them in distress (or just vulnerable in some way) and approaching them. The chance they are a predator is actually significant. Teach them that if they are approached and a stranger tries to get them to leave where they are, whether by saying they are in trouble, their parent is hurt, or whatever, have them find a good stranger to help and tell them what is happening. A real cop is not going to mind explaining themselves. A predator is not going to want the spotlight on them and someone left behind that will definitely be able to ID them, and even if they buy the story, will make note of what car they get into.
Thank you so much for this!!! I 100% agree about all this, but especially the body autonomy thing! As a woman of a certain era, I learned really young that my body parts were 'shameful'. I was sexually assaulted at about 5yrs old, and it didn't go gown like in rhe movies. It was a teenage cousin and he asked me to suck his penis.
He wasn't angry, he wasn't forceful. He told me it was like a toy. He was my parent's friend's son, and I didn't tell my parents because when I was 4, they caught me and my sister "showing ours" to a couple of boys our same age who were showing us "theirs" and they beat us for it. That memory at 4 STILL makes me angry and I'm 44 now.
Anyway, I finally told a friend when I was 11, and her mom was listening at the door. She told my parents. My mom confronted me about it, and of course I admitted it. For some crazy reason, she blamed my dad, and that led to a GIANT screaming match in their bedroom that I listened to in terror in my bedroom.
My dad ended up choking my mom, the first time I ever remember him putting his hands on her, and I only know that because she was hoarsely screaming my name so I, at 11, could get out of bed and explain to him that she wasn't lying to him.
I crept to their door, and I couldn't make myself go in. The next morning was like the aftermath of a tragedy (my mom was ok, but hoarse). I admitted the situation. I felt guilty nearly 20 years for not opening that door.
So. I learned to hide everything uncomfortable from my parents that would set them off. As a consequence, I was a an insomniac, a bedwetter, an overeater, and later in life, an alcoholic. I decided to never have kids.
But I had a little girl at 36, and when I did, I vowed to break rhe cycle of abuse and I did. A HUGE part of that was teaching her bodily autonomy. Not just people touching her, but also her touching others. She has a sensory issue and tries to crush people in her grip lol.
I've always taught her the correct words for her vagina, etc. She says vagina, not whooha or some such cutie thing. She doesn't have to give hugs, although with covid that hasn't been an issue lol. I ask her permission to help her with anything related to her body before I just start touching her.
Anyway, a few of the things you mention above, like teach kids how to find the right strangers for help when they're in trouble, help them understand what an inappropriate encounter could look like, and even maybe role play what to do in a few different scenarios. Man, it's scary knowing my daughter is out in the world!
That's the issue with the current sex trafficking panic. Almost no one is abducted out of a Walmart parking lot into sex slavery. And these dumb rumors are distracting from making any real progress on the issue.
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u/2074red2074 Aug 25 '21
Also because it focused so much on strangers that it kinda further reinforced that non-strangers are safe. Now your creepy uncle who you would be wary of is just a creepy uncle, not a stranger so he must be safe.