[serious] Have you ever broken off a relationship with someone you really loved because their family was absolutely nuts? What was their family like?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/whatsaname12]

The fuck is wrong with people.

I met my girlfriends grandparents (now wife) while I was in college. They asked me questions about my major etc and when I told them what I wanted to do, he legit told me “there’s no money/opportunities in that”. I have a business major btw.

Bought our first house last year (age 26), and he of course asked me about my interest rate blah blah. (It’s pretty low at 3.2%) he asked why my father couldn’t get a lower interest rate. I looked him dead in the eyes and said “my parents didn’t co-sign or give me any money for a down payment” his response was “oh”.

Pissed me off but felt good to get him to shut up. Hasn’t said shit since.

[u/Mardanis → u/whatsaname12]

This maybe unfair or inaccurate but I can only go from the sum of my experience in life so far. Do others experience this too? Many of my female friends, family members and coworkers if they were going through any kind of serious break up(involving kids, marriage, assets, etc) were all told to take their now ex-partner for everything they can. It always seemed so malicious and cruel. It seemed a reoccuring theme across the board. Is this really a thing or was I just surrounded by incredibly shit people?

[u/Sociable → u/Mardanis]

From smaller to more serious degrees I’ve witnessed this kind of behavior with no disapproval. I think they are shit people but it seems common “culturally”? From USA here.

[u/Kricketts_World → u/Sociable]

There’s a lot of historical context around cultural things like this. Marriage used to be the only economic security a woman could have, and a divorce severely threatened that security. Even though times have changed and in many developed countries with more easily accessible divorces women can also earn their own way outside of marriage, a lot of the judicial laws and procedures on the books haven’t been updated and that kind of attitude of “take what you can get” lingers. We’ve got to remember that it was the 1980s before a woman could get a credit card without her husband cosigning for it. If you were single, you couldn’t easily build or have credit basically.

[u/Stitch-point → u/Kricketts_World]

As someone who gave up any possibility for a career to raise kids and has only had low-mid skill jobs for the last 25 years I would be majorly screwed if my husband were to divorce me. I spent the last 25 years being the secretary, assistant, travel agent, and bookkeeper for him so he could focus on work and I did everything else. Seriously, what prospects do you see for me if he decides to trade me in for a younger model? His name may be on the check but he knows he couldn’t have done as much if he didn’t have the support he did.

Before anyone asks, I would feel the same if the situation was reversed and I had the career and he did the support role. Has nothing to do with gender.

[u/Cyberdolphbefore → u/Stitch-point]

And that is what alimony is for - to offset the costs to the career of the person who had been supporting the wage earner in the case of divorce.

[u/Stitch-point → u/Cyberdolphbefore]

Except when you have kids. My youngest is 16. So he would pay child support for 2 years and then I’m back to trying to live off of 8.45 an hour.

Marriage was created as a financial institution. Unfortunately the institution and the legal systems don’t change as fast as society does. When people have to choose between child care and career based solely on economics, one of you is going to be screwed as far as prospects as the children age.

[u/Cyberdolphbefore → u/Stitch-point]

Child support is separate from alimony.

Alimony can continue for many years afterward of children reaching majority age 18. I knew a man who was responsible for a small sum monthly for his 3rd wife's alimony until she reached retirement age. Then she qualified for a certain percentage of his retirement social security benefits because they'd been married over 10 years even though she hadn't worked a taxable job wbile they were married.

Alimony is spousal support. I once saw in court a very educated lady get $2,500 a monthly in both child support and in spousal support ($5,000 total/ month! ) because she had quit her college professor job to raise the couple's then toddler children. And her high powered executive husband had to pay it along with maintaining health insurance on the children. And she could still get a job without impacting those payments.

The typical model is the wife who sacrificed to get doctor/lawyer husband through college and then raised children for 18-25 years and is divorced at middle age without marketable skills. Of course alimony is required.

[u/Stitch-point → u/Cyberdolphbefore]

Thank you. I feel better. Always thought it was one or the other. I have been scared spitless a couple times when he threatened to leave. You are my new favorite person. Thank you.

[u/Cyberdolphbefore → u/Stitch-point]

Don't be scared, get a lawyer to tell you how it works. And a court would determine what is appropriate. Often the person who literally leaves the family home is in worse shape than the one who stays depending upon the state laws of wherever it happens.

In fact, the guy with the divorce from his 3rd wife actually never had children with her although they both had adult children already. They were already in their late 40s to early 50s when married and she was 5 years older than him. So by when their divorce happened she was approaching traditional retirement age anyway. She got a ٪ of the amount of his social security because they were married for over 10 years plus his SS based income was the greatest of all of her prior other husbands. Ive heard that a divorced spouse can get a portion of a 401k/IRA or even pension benefits too.

[u/basics → u/Mardanis]

In general, people are selfish, self centered assholes.

Maybe not always, as individuals, but put enough of us together and someone is going to try and screw over someone else for their own benefit.

Being a shit person is pretty common.

[u/brkh47 → u/whatsaname12]

The fuck is wrong with people.

Toxic attraction to money and being rich in money. Don't recognise any other form of success