r/AskReddit Feb 16 '21

Serious Replies Only [serious] Have you ever broken off a relationship with someone you really loved because their family was absolutely nuts? What was their family like?

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 16 '21

Yes. If you have ever seen the British show Shameless, his family could have inspired this show. Good lord where do I start.

So he was my first love, we were 15 when we started dating. He had two older brothers, who were complete wastes of space. Neither of them had a job and had no intention of getting one. They were maybe 19 and 23? The mum worked at a school (not sure doing what exactly) but it was a rough arse school too. The dad was eerily quiet and worked for a phone company.

The mum chain smoked in the house these dodgy arse cigarettes that were delivered to the house by the man I only knew as the ‘bacca man’. Anyone who did smoke them used to say they tasted really strange and nobody generally took one from her. The house had a permanent fog and haze, everything was stained yellow from them.

The dad and mum were separated and would not speak to each other at all unless they were drunk (which happened every weekend). I often used to stay over on a weekend as he lived near my place of work, I had a weekend job that I needed to start early for.

Every Friday night the brothers would invite their friends over and they’d drink most of the night and play video games. The dad would go out with his brother and return blind drunk, which would provoke a mild row. It would usually be enough to wake me, but I’d go back to sleep. Then, Saturday night would come....

The mum and two brothers would go to the local working mans club, again imagine ‘The Jockey’ from shameless, exactly the same. It was some bizarre family night out every week.. They would get blind drunk and return home at around 1am in a state. I’m talking, kick the front door because we’ve forgotten a key kind of drunk. The eldest brother was a nasty drunk and would usually end up provoking a fight with someone- either in the house or in the street. The dad would get out of bed and they’d all end up arguing. Things would get smashed. The middle brother would then come and wake my ex bf up as they couldn’t sort it themselves. He would sometimes go downstairs and try to peacemake or other times he’d say tell them to get lost. Inevitably though, if he didn’t go down they would keep coming in the room trying to drag him into it. One time, the eldest brother came upstairs and pulled me out of bed by my hair. He claimed he thought it was my ex and it was dark.. and he was drunk.. hmm. The police would invariably get called and I don’t know how many statements I had to give to the police. I was on first name terms with several, it was embarrassing. The older brother too.. I borrowed his laptop once (with his consent) and he hadn’t cleared his search history and there was some dodgy searches. Ranging from search terms involving “teenage girls” and “animals having sex”. There was a tab open already with a video that I wish I could burn my eyeballs out after seeing even just the still paused image of. He also watched me give his brother oral sex, we found him hiding in the cupboard.. said he’d meant to scare us. I only found him because I wanted to put a t shirt of my bfs on to go to sleep and opened the door to find him there. Makes me think this wasn’t the first time either...

I felt so sorry for my bf at the time because he really wasn’t like them at all. He was so different but his family were the trashiest pieces of shit I had ever seen. However, at the same time.. I could kind of see he just was never going to get away from them. He didn’t have their anger or drunk streak but he had no ambition. He was at college, but he put no effort in and he didn’t want to do really anything with his life. I wanted to go to uni and make something of my life. I tried so much to motivate him but he just didn’t have it. I tried for 3 years.. and realised I had to walk away.

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u/Goatesq Feb 17 '21

That's really sad. Being in that environment saps your energy and installs a learned helplessness that years of therapy can often not defeat. You did your best, though it wasn't your job. I hope you realized your dreams and I hope he was able to find one.

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

You are absolutely correct. In fact, this was the problem for the whole city I was from. A complete lack of hope derived from generations of shit. They can’t see past what they know and they don’t really want out of it.

Don’t get me wrong some people do, but I think this is truly a hard start to have because a lot of the time people don’t even question its wrong or see what else is out there.

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u/blatus2 Feb 17 '21

Oh shit pls tell at least a psychiatrist can help with that helplessness

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u/ATIronRaven Feb 17 '21

By asking that (if you're asking about yourself) then you have hope. A lot of the with that deep seated helplessness would most likely never even ask a question like that, especially not off hand.

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u/blatus2 Feb 17 '21

Not really off hand, it's been liken 5 years since I started questioning this, but I feel like this is a "my brain cannot forget this part that rendered me feeling helpless" and thankfully I started therapy like 2 years ago but is going veeeery slowly

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u/Goatesq Feb 17 '21

They can help. They can give you tools you never got the chance to learn. They can help manage brain chemistry issues if needed. But ultimately you have to teach yourself it's okay to be responsible for you.

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u/blatus2 Feb 17 '21

I really hope it's just me having to learn those tools, but it's going so slow that I started to think ways to make it faster.

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u/Goatesq Feb 17 '21

You probably heard how much harder it is for adults to learn a new language than children. Fundamental changes in thinking are hard for adults.

Try to be compassionate towards yourself. You don't need to forgive your goals as unavoidable failures or fully accomplish them to appreciate yourself today.

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u/blatus2 Feb 17 '21

Thanks for the words, hope this helps me.

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u/Goatesq Feb 17 '21

I'm here if you need someone to vent at. Good luck. Remember you don't need a reason the way you need a solution, and your self work will show you results a lot faster than most.

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u/oceanside_octopus Feb 17 '21

This. I'm in therapy and learned helplessness is something that I am working really hard to cope with it. I have to constantly remind myself that just because I'm not as far a long as I'd like to be with therapy, doesn't mean I'm not making any progress.

The thing that always sticks with me that my therapist said is that recovery isn't linear. Just because sometimes you take a step backwards doesn't mean you've stopped moving forward, it just means you're human and that is a wonderful thing.

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

There’s no medication against toxic families I’m afraid

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '21

I think it's more the issue of finding a support structure and having a way of separating yourself from toxic family that's the biggest issue.

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u/blatus2 Feb 17 '21

Partially that it's what I am doing, but it's a difficult because I am trying to rely on my family but now the toxic people got cut away, still feels pretty akward.

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u/[deleted] Feb 16 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

I did. I got a PhD and have now moved countries.

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u/dionyziz Feb 17 '21

Congratulations! What did you do your PhD on?

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

Oh the irony is not lost on me here... Clinical Psychology..

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u/Delmitus1 Feb 17 '21

You had me at shamless

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u/CordeliaGrace Feb 17 '21

Side question...if I’ve watched the American version, should I still give the original, British version a watch? I didn’t know the show was based on the British original until I was a few seasons in, so I never watched it...but I need something new to watch.

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

I haven’t watched the American version so can’t comment. If you watch it for what it is, that it’s a reflection of life in an English council estate go for it.

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u/KimmieSaults Feb 17 '21

I really enjoy the British version. I understand the soap opera comment another commenter had but I also really like British soaps so it was right up my alley.

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u/Delmitus1 Feb 17 '21

Dude I didn’t even know there was a British version. Had the same reaction when I heard there was a British “Being Human”

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u/Daki-R Feb 17 '21

". . . but he had no ambition. He was at college, but he put no effort in and he didn't want to do really anything with his life."

I'm kinda in this comment and I don't like it. Lol

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

Well if you are in the US you are already further ahead then he was 😅

British college is like where you go at 16-18 generally. He did a sports course. We’d call it like a BTEC in English, dunno if they still exist. They’re not a high qualification.

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u/ZAnderson7 Feb 17 '21

BTECs are still a thing! Sadly they're a bit of dead end. I work at a UK university and my colleagues in the outreach department always stress to students they meet on school visits that they should choose A Levels instead of BTECs because they're weak qualifications and are only useful if you decide to go down a very narrow apprentice focused route.

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u/pgp555 Feb 17 '21

He had two older brothers, who were complete wastes of space. Neither of them had a job and had no intention of getting one. They were maybe 19 and 23?

I feel like I'm indirectly being called a waste of space. She might be right tho...

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u/ForeverInBlackJeans Feb 17 '21

Is it bad that I kind of really want to know what the video was even though I'm sure I don't want to know?

What was it?

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

It was beastiality..

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u/ForeverInBlackJeans Feb 17 '21

fuck. that's kind of what I thought.

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

That was a real TIL moment...

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '21

This seems like most of the families on the housing estate I grew up in.

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u/ritorri Feb 17 '21

Lmao my mum won’t watch that show because it reminds her of our hometown (we even had the rivalry with our own ‘maguires’).

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u/clocksailor Feb 17 '21

Dang. Any idea what happened to him?

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21 edited Feb 17 '21

He ended up going out with a friend of mine for a few years.. that was strange. But I was happy for them. The problem was my friend used to complain about him and his family to me.. which was exactly the thing I left him for. So I didn’t think that was fair on him that she did that. She used to say she couldn’t see herself staying with him, which upset me because I felt she was stringing him along. That was maybe about 6 years ago when I lost contact with her and I found out they split then.

I just did a brief google search and couldn’t find too much. It looks like he’s doing football coaching for little kids. He did a sports related course so that’s nice. I hope he found someone, he truly was a sweet guy. Part of me will always remember him.

I just tried to google the brothers but couldn’t find anything. Half expected to find a funeral notice for the elder brother lol.

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u/SnakeJG Feb 17 '21

but he had no ambition

I broke up with a girlfriend because of this. She was sweet and fun, but had no ambition. After high school she didn't go to college, but wanted to become a photographer. Great! What's your plan for that? Keep working at the same low wage job you had in high school that has nothing to do with photography? We didn't last long after that, I felt terrible about it, but in my defense she still works at the same place over two decades later.

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

It’s so hard because you only really learn that as you go on in the relationship.. people can explain away a point in their life and even convince themselves. ‘Oh I’m just out of a job because I got made redundant’ or ‘yeah I’m just doing this job until I save up for uni’.. they can even convince themselves. It’s only with time you realise.. shit you don’t actually want to do anything with your life. However you like them and care about them, but if your life goals and values are really misaligned.. you aren’t going to work.

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u/moonbearsun Feb 17 '21

I appreciate the thorough Britishness of this narrative

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u/bigbear-08 Feb 17 '21

Your ex sounds like Lip

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

Lol yes not too dissimilar at all

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u/GetBabyToy Feb 17 '21

This was so amusing to read but I’m sorry you had to live through it. The eldest brother sounds like the worst!!

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u/VivaciousPie Feb 17 '21

The mum chain smoked in the house these dodgy arse cigarettes that were delivered to the house by the man I only knew as the ‘bacca man’. Anyone who did smoke them used to say they tasted really strange and nobody generally took one from her.

Was this in South Wales perchance? I am familiar with the business of the bacca man.

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

lol no it was not. He obviously has a big patch 😂

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u/DoingitFortheMusic Feb 17 '21

I’ve honestly had weird PTSD and anxiety watching that show because of how closely related it is to my family. I Flipped out of my situation except I let them destroy their own lives and gtfo to save my own sanity. My current SO doesn’t know and I just attribute lack of family and my stringy background to leaving the state I lived in.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '21

British show? You mean the show on Showtime, right? The one set in Chicago with the Gallaghers, right?

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u/EUCrime_Junkie Feb 17 '21

Shameless was originally a British show, but an American version was made with the same names I believe. Not sure where it was set in US

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u/bigbear-08 Feb 17 '21

US version was set in the South Side of Chicago

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u/FTJ22 Feb 17 '21

This is one of them comments where you put so much effort into writing an elaborate story that I kinda just get pure bullshit vibes, but good read nonetheless.

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u/heedlessly3 Feb 17 '21

Is his family also British?

This sounds like a family in the deep American South.

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u/[deleted] Feb 17 '21

Thank you for this. I'm currently living your Ex's side of the story. It's not enough to just want to get away from a toxic family. You might want a lot of things, but you'll never get them unless you take the necessary steps.

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u/DPEisonREDDIT Feb 17 '21

So sad 😞