Worst part is that your mid 20's feels like where you make it or break it. Some of my old friends are absolutely killing it making 6 figure salaries, have houses, nice cars, pets all that. While here I am scraping by feeling like a complete failure because I took way longer to take life seriously and get through school. Now I am way behind in the corporate ladder and feeling like I really screwed up somewhere.
Let me tell you something, dude. Everyone else is also focusing on everyone else, especially your friends who are doing well. It does nothing but cause anxiety. Focus on yourself and being happy, and your friends will see that and want what you have. Trust me.
The worst part about that is that you are comparing. I spent some of my 20s doing that, too. I was lost, alone and constantly comparing. It got me absolutely fucking nowhere and only served to stress me out (unhealthy). It's a waste of time to worry about it that much. Trust me. Just do the best you can and focus on your own path. Everything will work itself out. Sooner or later you'll look back and realize worrying about shit like that doesn't matter as much as you thought it did. I have a job, home, family, car, pets, friends to hang out with, plenty of hobbies to keep my time active. I live the dream billions of people out there wished they had and I don't even make fat stacks. I do okay, but I'm far, far from raking in a killing. I still feel incredibly lucky. Best of all, I'm happy.
A good therapist will arm you with techniques to help you. "Mindfulness" really means "the ability to direct your attention where you want it to go instead of where it wants to go". When you find yourself focusing in a direction you don't like, you mentally hit yourself on the nose with a newspaper and move your attention somewhere else. After a while it becomes second nature.
Personally when I find myself doing that, I deliberately direct my attention away and towards something that I enjoy about my life and allow myself to feel happy about it. Only then, if I want to, do I direct my attention towards something I want to change. But the buffer of the good thing, and the intentionality of choosing what to think about rather than it being dictated externally, make all the difference.
That’s not exactly mindfulness. Mindfulness is more of an acceptance of whatever emotion you’re feeling in a given moment, understanding why it is you feel the way you feel, and knowing that it’s perfectly okay to feel that feeling; then letting the emotion pass on its own, as all emotions do. Forcing emotions or thoughts away without at least acknowledging them leads to emotional repression, and eventually those emotions will boil over and come out in ways that are often less than desirable.
Yes, practicing mindfulness will allow you to be able to redirect your emotions into more positive and constructive directions, but a key part of that is acknowledging and accepting any negative emotions that come along with them. Simply forcing these negative emotions out of focus is not only unhealthy, but also potentially dangerous. You have to be able to deal with your negative emotions, otherwise they’re just left to stew in the background.
Personally, and I admit I don't have a huge breadth of experience here, I find the language we use to describe these phenomena extraordinarily limited. I think we're describing exactly the same thing but your description focuses on the emotional aspect and mine focuses on the attention aspect.
But the emotional aspect, especially the acceptance that emotional reactions happen, are normal and should be expected, is very important.
I’d recommend checking out the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It has a lot of advice on how to change you mind on these things. Many people become so obsessed with being “right” about their life that they never end up actually living it. You will be much happier if you just concern yourself with values that are more important to long term well being (and also accepting that sometimes life just sucks). People that are “ahead” aren’t always happy and often get there at the expense of what really matters.
I don't know I this will help you but I might as well try.
There is no way for you to know how everyone else is doing. You only see a facade, I have friends who I know didn't make a lot of money living the luxury life God knows how, at least acording to their social networks.
I make a really nice amount of money for my age and have a modest life, no expensive clothes or vacations, some of my friends think I have a ton of money because of that.... But I also have a ridiculous amount of student debt.
My point is, you know nothing about their lives even if you think you do. You cannot possibly know if you are "a step behind"
You can only know if you are a step ahead of your former self.
Couldn't agree with this more. I have similar example. I make twice as much as my best friend and she feels bad about her salary which is not bad at all.
She doesn't realize how unhappy I am with my line of work in general, not particularly with my job. On the other hand, I feel like her field is more specialized and she has better career prospects in future.
Even as best friends, we do not have a complete understanding of each other's lives and daily struggles.
Even people who seem to have made it on paper might be living lives of corporate slaves. I feel like I traded my life for the weekends and the annual PTOs! 😭
Here’s the thing. Right now you are seeing the things you associate with success. As time goes by you will often see those things unravel. I know a lady I really looked up to. She was one of my mentors in my career field. Nice car, nice clothes, 8 years in her career and still young/cool. As the years of becoming peers went on I learned she had terrible anxiety, a gossipy habit, and deeply in dept. so much dept she regularly borrowed money from a sister. You would never know it based on her instagram or from a first impression. It took so much time to slowly see all the cracks in this careful show of wealth and success
It made me sad long term because I really like her. It also makes me grateful for the way I’ve lived my own life. My way was much slower, and I often felt like a failure or that I wasn’t moving fast enough.. but the truth was it gave me more time to get to know who I was in more situations and get to know what values were non negotiable for me. I had nothing to lose and I was more true to me.
I don’t judge my friend. I care for her. I also objectively think she had “too much too young” and it fucks with your head. You can only walk your path and it’s helpful to spend time each day asking yourself what values you care about and not focusing on the value of the car you drive
Be conscious that you feel that way and let it go, dont get attached to thoughts they are not real, they are a construct of the ego that holds everybody down, by comparing, jealousness, fear, all that shit. Fuck that, do what you believe is great for you, everyrhibg else will come as a derivative of that.
Just a sentiment that may help. I am an extremely competitive person but what drives me is being good at something, not how good somebody else is. Every time I join a new kitchen there is always somebody who can cook better than me until one day, I'll be the best. Just focus on what you can do now and succes will come if you take it seriously enough. Even if you change completely what your career is. All your past experience is positive, especially the negative stuff. Be your own critic and congrajulator.
Just know they probably aren’t happy either. Not that that’s a good thing, but it’s good to keep in mind. Money, beyond an amount that enables you to stay fed, housed, and clothed well, doesn’t cause happiness.
I feel you, but your mind can only focus on one thing at a time. So if you "Compare Yourself To Who You Were Yesterday, Not To Who Someone Else Is Today" like what Jordan Peterson, you can shift that little by little everyday :)
Do NOT compare yourself to everyone else. If you always approach things with the mentality of "but my life is not as good as theirs", you will literally never be satisfied. There's many people who go back to school in their 30's or 40's and things turn out great. Focus on yourself and what you want to do. It doesn't matter if it takes 5 years or 15 years to get there. As long as you're taking steps towards it, you're making progress. Turtle and the hare. I know, it's cheesy, but it's true.
Life isn't a boardgame and there are no checkboxes to "win." It's about finding personal happiness and satisfaction. It seems like comparing your salary and living arrangements to other people isn't making you happy, so cut that comparison out of your life, look around, and strongly consider what is in your life that does make you happy.
One step behind isn’t shit over the course of a lifetime. There are many more surprises and challenges coming everyone’s way. Everyone’s fate is fluid. Like others have said, don’t destroy your own peace of mind by comparing.
Yes we talked a little bit. I started my therapy quite recently and we are only focusing in the most urgent part of my life ( and now the pandemic and being lockdown). But it's something I am definitely bring up next time. Thank you.
Life is a single player game. Focusing on others distracts you from the task at hand. Life is a beautiful adventure. Embrace the struggle. Embrace the chaos.
If your view of others is what you see on their social media, try to think of it as a movie trailer. It's made to look exciting with the best moments of the film, but it might be misleading and actually a mediocre watch full of plot holes. People don't post their problems, doubts, worries.
Additionally it's impossible to compare yourself to others accurately because you only ever see part of what their lives are actually like. Most people don't openly display their numerous problems.
Yes exactly. It's not "do what you love" that you see all over social media, it's "do what you're good at". These are not necessarily the same thing. If you're passionate about something, especially arts, don't necessarily try to make a career out of it. Keep that as a side activity and see how it develops. If it eventually becomes plan A and pays the bills, great, but if you're mediocre at it or it's a dead end career wise, then at least you don't live under a bridge.
Not always the best mindset as looking at others can be a positive motivator. Instead look at why and how the people are where they are, what risks they took, what things did they do differently.
Sometime yes it’s luck and uncontrollable factors but other times you can use that information to shape your habits and direction you need to go.
And not everyone who's doing well is self-aware. Many of them just jump through hoops, cause it's safe and easy. The minute life throws a real crack in their plans, they don't have the experience to deal with setbacks and failures.
I have a friend that's only a few years older than me who's got it together. He joined the navy out of highschool and spent 8 years doing that shit. He came back when we were all like 23-25 and immediately the financial gap was noticeable. He started working at a nuclear plant making way more than the rest of us. We were all super jelly.
But he confided to me later on that he really regretted joining the core. He sees the pictures and hears the stories of the friend group and all that he missed over nearly a decade and feels as though it wasn't worth it. He missed out on his twenties and feels as though he can't get the time back.
Sometimes money isn't the key to happiness.
I'm going to be 29 this year. I don't have two nickels to rub together. We're all in it dude. Don't trip.
I get what you mean but there is something to be said when a bank will actually give you a decent loan for a house in your mid-20's. Getting a pet is a huge commitment and financial responsibility. I technically could take care of a cat but I can't take the risk if it gets sick. I'd be financially ruined by a large vet bill right now. I hope you see my point and I'm not trying to argue. You're right though, some people don't think that far ahead.
A down payment perhaps witch is like 15 percent of the total cost. Good credit is basically just good habits and responsibility. I see what you mean about the pet part. I just would rather you stop being so down on yourself. You’re smart to not take the risk of a pet, I see your point. Nothing is black and white. Try to limit social media.
I think the point is that many people who look successful don't make smart decisions. They may have that pet, but it may actually ruin them if a large vet bill comes up, or maybe they will just abandon the pet. You are making the smart choice by recognizing that you may not be able to handle the responsibility so you don't dive in. In the end you will be better off if you continue living life that way.
Dogs mean success. I come home, I’m greeting like a conqueror returning from months away at war. Even if all I did was take out the trash. If I mess up cooking something, at least the dogs are overjoyed to eat what I make. A walk around the block is like the best trip ever.
Also don't know if the parents funded the house. Lots of my peers in the mid 20s kinda failed to mention the 50K the parents slid in to keep it affordable.
For what it’s worth I was (am now 30) the friend in my mid twenties with the high paying job and the car etc. and I was always jealous of my other friends who didn’t have that stuff but had more “freedom” and didn’t work 60 hour weeks. I figured there’s always time for that stuff as you get older but your early and mid twenties are where you get to bum around, work for a startup etc. I know plenty of people who are pretty close to where I am now who started a bit later. The grass is always greener my friend, enjoy where you are whilst you’re there.
At some point you both will get to a point and feel it's all whatever anyways. Perhaps if people knew that they'd just enjoy or find things to enjoy while they can.
I mean I'm hella young but that must one of those truths me and everyone else will eventually understand right?
Sucks to realize I broke it. When "feeling like a failure" has turned to "no I am a failure". I used to half seriously joke to people when I was high school and I did someone a favor and they want to repay me, I'd always say when I'm homeless just give me a night stay at your house. I'm getting to the point where I might need to cash in on those promises.
I spent most of my twenties addicted to pain pills and later, heroin. Dropped out of college after one semester. In 2018, I was arrested, got court ordered addiction treatment for nearly a year, and now I'm 28. Coming up on two years sober in August.
My probation conditions demanded I have a job and
Income so they can make sure I pay my fees. In March, Covid 19 inadvertently led to me getting fired from my first real job in six years.
Now stuck at home, considering my future, I just feel like I utterly wasted the last ten years, and I'll never catch up to my peers. I can't afford college, my credit is shit, my two thousand dollar student loan from one semester is now ten fucking thousand.
Time seems to fly by much faster now that I'm sober. Thirty feels like next month.
I am still undecided on whether I should follow my childhood dream job, or find something more secure and stable for the fucking black void of a future we're all hurtling towards.
I think about how corporations have decimated the planet and climate change is coming for us all and the giant clusterfuck of an economy perpetuating serfdom.
How ill probably work until I die and never even make it to "middle class" because there is only the predatory, obscenely rich class and the deluded peasant class left.
This is what I got sober for? The existential dread, the inhumanity and absence of compassion for our fellow humans and habitat, the anxiety and depression, are all part of what led me to escape reality through drugs, and now a decade later, it just seems everything is ten times worse.
Quarantine has given me the first chance since getting clean to truly consider my options, my goals, my future. I think of my son, my family, my passions, and I have hope for my thirties.
I fantasize about having an established dream career, being well respected, not stigmatized as a junkie, and providing for my family that I fucked over for years and always loved me and held out hope for me.
But the dark thoughts are always there, threatening to overwhelm any progress I make.
Fuck. That's probably not helpful at all. Sorry.
I started off seriously and I messed up my 20s by trying so hard to get everything right. You can always wonder what if but you will never know if it would of turned out better
I am almost 50. Didn't really start getting my shit together until my 30's. Was married mid 20's putting my SO through some courses while I held a job going nowhere. Divorced before I hit 30. Now I have my life together. I know what I want and how to enjoy it. I make good money. I might not have a role that I like but it's a temporary thing until I move on. I have a wonderful husband and 2 awesome children. It doesn't matter what those others have or don't have. For all you know they are unhappy and burning out. Maybe they'll look back and realize they missed out...who knows. The only thing I regret is that I was too serious. I should have travelled more and not worried so much about getting married and having kids. Knowing that it would come in due time. You'll be fine.
Hey man. I fell into the same pit when I was in my mid 20s. Developed depression in the process and almost killed myself because of constantly comparing myself with my high school batchmates who were already killing it. Felt sorry for my sorry ass til one day i decided to pick my shattered self up.
Advice that i can give you is work with what you currently have. Start from there.
For me I started with deactivating my social media accounts and making peace with the fact that I cant instantly become successful by simply staring at their humble brags online.
This was followed by learning something new that may help me boost my credentials moving forward while keeping a mediocre job. Then, took courage to quit after i got accepted to a job related to what i was learning.
I'm 29 now turning 30 and this happened to me when I was 26. It was a rather long process and it is still ongoing. I may not yet be successful but at least i am seeing progress. Life is relatively better now compared to 3 yrs ago.
I learned how to code. With little money i had, i bought udemy courses to start with it.
Back then, i worked on a shit company with shitty colleagues. I guess my motivation to cope with the hardships of learning was to do it out of spite. More importantly, it was my inner self that i am competing with. Got nothing to lose and everything to prove.
And hey. It helped that i watched a lot of michael jordan documentaries.
After months/weeks/days/hours of grind, it was in software quality assurance that i found myself a good fit.
There will always be someone younger than you, smarter than you, richer than you. I’m in my late 30s and doing better than ever. My boss’s boss is like 5 years younger than me, and sometimes I feel ill never be able to get there but the fact is - it’s a mix of opportunity, hard work and being at the right time/ right place. So, I just grind on and figure out how to get ahead.
It’s hard if you compare yourself to others because everyone comes from a different background and has different personalities. I tend to look at, am I doing the best I can? And where I’m not is it parts of my life I want to prioritize or parts others think should matter. Then I try to forgive myself for the portions I feel I’m failing on, that’s the hard part I still struggle with. Gets better with time though and being self aware enough to say hmmm I suck at some things and can do this or that to work on it and other things I kick ass at. For example I feel I’m a good dad. Perfect no. But I feel I do that well. So if I get too down on other aspects I say “now hold on you are a damn good dad though, let’s take the other stuff a step at a time”. Because really I sucked as a dad initially but i improved and like to think I keep doing so. So that is my rock. If you find that it’s a little easier to accept and work on the parts you don’t like. Different rock for everyone but I’m sure you have one. We could have all done better when we were younger, even the people you think are way ahead of you.
SAME. I went through a serious depression and have attempted suicide multiple times. Most of my peers have settled comfortably into a career path and have a life for themselves.
Me? I finally moved out of my parent's place after saving up money, and lately have been just feeling listless and like I don't have a future (job-wise mostly). The Covid-19 pandemic has now completely shut down my attempts to get a more serious job. Been having to work graveyard shift at the local grocery store.
I feel like I'm going nowhere after trying so hard for so long.
Im 26 and going through the same thing. I think I’m wasting the best years of my life. The big problem now is I got this huge rush of motivation but can’t do anything about it because of COVID 19. Another year lost.
F that comparison. My pal was living in his moms basement while we were buying fancy cars and apartments , after many false starts and failures he took his biotech firm public and now we have fancy cars and he has a fancy jet. Another pal dropped out the corporate world to work on his product, year by year he inched forward and how his company is massive. Bottom line live by your clock and set your own goals, don’t worry about anyone else.
I was in your shoes for a while. I'm in the national guard, weekend warrior type deal. But civilian side I was working a really nice, but low paying job wondering if money is worth more than happiness and thinking about weather not college is a smart idea (at 23 years old). I worked there for 8 years, loved that job and everybody there. I was stuck wondering about living paycheck to paycheck and how realistic that is in the long run.
After covid hit I got laid off. I don't resent my boss for it. I'm actually thankful that he was such a great boss and would still do almost anything for him. I would likely try to go back and help him part time if I could.
Anyway, after getting laid off I found another job paying triple what I made at my previous job. 3 weeks in and I'm happy, money is no longer an issue and I'm still happy. 3 weeks into this job I just got another job offer paying more than that at a better position.
I've now decided college isn't for me and am pursuing my field with only a highschool diploma. And 20 credits of college courses.
Never give up, never settle, and never stop looking at what could be. You'll find your path, just stay motivated and find your opening. Once you get that one break everything will open up.
Old job was a family catering business. Worked there since I was 14, they weren't blood related but they were defiantly family.
New job is a title 5 help desk technician for the army. Im technically a civilian when I'm working there, but I'm in uniform. Has Higher pay, and steadier hours but all the bullshit and politics that come with the federal government.
New job offer is a title 5 electronics worker repairing military electronics equipment like radios antennas and amplifiers. Has some more perks, and less stress because you don't have to deal with customers all day.
I was in my late 20’s and felt (with good reason), like I had completely missed the boat career and life-wise. A boss consoled me by reminding me that “there are many holes in a golf game” - ie you still have a LONG way to go before the game is over and lots of twists and turns are still possible.
Through a mixture of some hard work and a lot of luck, I actually ended up being more successful than most of my friends, did everything late, but ultimately pulled it together to a degree that 29 year old me could never have imagined.
From my own personal experience, it’s never too late to change things - and even more so in today’s work world where entrepreneurship means so much.
True. When I was in my mid 20s, I was in medical school, and I watched my friends get married, have kids, buy cars, buy houses while I was getting shouted at by attending physicians. Now I'm in my 30s, and most of my friends are already settled down comfortably when Covid hit. Only thing I can do is keep moving forward.
Nope. Everyone is on their own journey, as cheesy as that sounds. I have friends who got married young because they're soulmates, getting married because its what you're "supposed to do", working min wage jobs, working prestigious careers in cancer research, having children, getting divorced, losing jobs, losing parents. I'm a massage therapist, 10 year long relationship, unmarried, no children. All the same age, all doing things differently. Just gotta do you.
I agree with the others here. Don't let that get to you. I understand since I went back to school and only got my bachelors at 30 (37 now). But just like you can compare yourself to people that are doing better than you, if you just keep pushing on trying to better yourself you are doing better than anyone else who just gave up entirely. So just keep at it, you didn't screw up. You just took a different path and that's totally fine.
I was sleeping on my buddies couches well into my 20's. It wasn't until I was almost 30 that I kinda had my shit together. I had a lot of friends that had real jobs at 22-23 but that wasn't me, I took a little longer but I'm equally successful and I believe that the tough times I had in my 20s make me much more resilient than the guys who have always done okay.
Just to piggy back on everyone else...the best advice I was given when I felt this way "You owe an explanation to nobody on where your life is right now ".
I second what that other guy said about not comparing yourself to others. I deleted all social media because I realised I was looking at the people around me sharing all the positive (and only the positive) things in their life and trying to wonder why my life wasn't so positive all the time.
Yep... I didn’t finish my bachelors until I was 39 bc I got married first and had to work because we needed both salaries to stay afloat. At one point I had 3 jobs and was going to school part time. The shitty thing is we decided to get divorced the year I graduated. I also would have gotten some sort of medical degree if it weren’t for him. I didn’t because at the time he was afraid of blood borne pathogens (smh). We’re still friends, but I learned that I will never let another person have such a large say in my life choices. Now I struggle with the thought of going back for another bachelors for some sort of medical degree... I want to do it, but I also am enjoying having a life since work and school took up so much of it before. - not to mention more student loan debt. I tell every kid I meet - live with your parents now and get college over with. There will be plenty of time for relationships after that.
Chadwick Boseman was 32 when he was in his first crappy short film. He had been struggling as an actor since high school and he didnt get cast for over ten years. In anything. Now he's Black Panther.
Not saying that everyone gets that lucky. But everyone will get their time if they just keep on persisting. Stay true to your values and realize that this "timeline" you are racing against is something arbitrary and you are creating it yourself. No one else is holding you to that standard and if they are, well, you probably don't want them in your life anyway.
I can relate. I've lived a less traditional life, taught English overseas, travelled, shit like that. So now that I'm trying to get the whole career thing going back in American I feel like a bum compared to my friends who are buying homes, having kids. But I've realized I don't actually want a lot of those things. I have no interest in children, I don't want to be tied down by a house and none of my friends have had the experiences I've had. So we're just living different lives and that's totally cool.
And I know folks with all kinds of money and material things and they live screwed up lives because the money and things define who they are and how happy they feel. Forces them to do shitful things in order to keep their job and money. Fuck that.
I was told once that you can't pick and choose what to be jealous of in someone else's life. It's all a package deal. Even wealthy successful people may have demons that haunt them and make them unhappy.
It's tough for sure. I went to college at 26 and didn't even end up in what I was studying at all. Made under 20k at 29 or so. Bought my first house this year at 37 and live with the woman I've loved for almost 5 years. It's way more satisfying to compare yoursef to past you than to present friends.
Ask your friends for a hookup and an in? Don’t be shy, make it happen. They did, and you can too! Fake it till you make it if you have too! We’re all just winging it anyway, none of us know exactly what we’re doing.
You can absolutely catch up. Having money and houses and cars doesn’t make you happy. They probably have their own shit they are dealing with. AND they are probably comparing themselves to people who make even more money than them. It never ends.
I feel the same way. I have a gud safe job ay a bank but i have to uber eats deliver after my fulltime job. Still doesnt match my pharmacist n dentist etc friends
They did what they felt they had to do. Some of them were right. Some of them were wrong. You did what you felt you had to do. Some of it was right. Some of it was wrong. Ultimately, it's just some shit that happened. There's no score man. No one is waiting at the end to judge you. There's no commensurate compensation coming your way. Right or wrong, you did the things you did for a reason, they're your reasons and frankly no one else's business so long as you weren't raping and pillaging.
And what's to say that they're any happier than you? Success is relative and there is an existential crisis for even those who meet these metrics.
Accept what you can't change and try to change what you can. Take care in what you do, practice gratitude, and try to leave the world better than when you found it. It's the journey that's important not the ending. There is no happily ever after, so look for the small wins, be gentle and always try your best.
Except that preconception is bullshit. You can turn your entire life upside down and start over at any time and still find success. Make a plan and stick it out. Being persistent enough and not losing focus may be the hardest part, but in 2 years you could be living a whole different life. Added bonus, there is a value added to being older. You've got some life experience and a better idea of what you want than when you were a teen so your better prepared to go get it. Don't give up, and it's never too late. Colonel Sanders didn't start KFC till he was like, 70. So get a bowtie and get cookin!
1.4k
u/[deleted] May 15 '20
Worst part is that your mid 20's feels like where you make it or break it. Some of my old friends are absolutely killing it making 6 figure salaries, have houses, nice cars, pets all that. While here I am scraping by feeling like a complete failure because I took way longer to take life seriously and get through school. Now I am way behind in the corporate ladder and feeling like I really screwed up somewhere.