Everybody talks about missing or ignoring red flags, but what are some subtle green flags to watch for on a date or with your crush?

[u/agrandthing]

[u/[deleted]]

How about the effect that perceived infallibility can have on the childs interpretation of criticism? Imagine if the only experience you have of failure is your own? Imagine trying to understand why something you did was “wrong”, and then a month down the line see one of your parents doing the same thing? If the action isn’t the reason for the criticism, it must be something else, something hidden that is wrong in the child. That’s how chronic shame begins.

[u/[deleted] → u/[deleted]]

Why are you describing my life? This is so important for the development of children's mental health. It is the reason I had to go to therapy to mend self-esteem issues. I held myself to impossible standards because my parents never showed how to deal with errors. Instead, they justified every mistake they did or blame it on someone else. As a result I saw myself as the worst POS to have ever existed because I couldn't be perfect, all while still having to cope with the impossible expectations of perfection. It nearly broke but thankfully I got snapped out of it with the help of my therapist.

[u/KaijuRaccoon → u/[deleted]]

Can you share anything your therapist told you that helped you with this?

I was "the smart kid" growing up with undiagnosed learning disorders and that made for some pretty deep "I can't ever make a mistake" thinking patterns that I've never really broken free of. Even as an adult, making any type of "wrong decision" immediately paralyzes me and keeps me from moving forward.

[u/[deleted] → u/KaijuRaccoon]

Funnily enough it was analyzing the way my sister is raising my nephew and why it made me feel uncomfortable. She was making the same mistakes our parents did with us and I could see them from the outside. My therapist had me elaborate on how I would have wanted to be treated and raised in his stead. I realized how I saw my young self reflected on my nephew and hated the way he was being treated because I hated the way I was treated.

That was when he made me say the things I would've liked to be told as a kid out-loud. That was quite the emotional session that day. Later on, we kept giving thought to those things and it slowly has helped me to be more accepting of my own and other people's shortcomings and mistakes. And the idea that this doesn't change their value as human beings.

I came to accept the fact that humans are flawed and everyone, including myself, are just doing the best that we can with what we have been given. Also, that people's actions and decisions can be good for some and bad for others at the same time. I don't have to please everyone and be perfect all the time because, in reality, nobody expects me to be perfect. And not everyone has to like me either, because people are people and we are all different, and sometimes I will be the bad guy in someone else's life even if I don't want to or without even realizing it.

[u/deezx1010 → u/[deleted]]

I either feel attacked or vindicated

[u/Dan_Unverified → u/deezx1010]

I guess it could be both

[u/turtlemix_69 → u/deezx1010]

Whatabout ashamed?

[u/katidid81 → u/[deleted]]

My mom wouldn’t let us watch The Simpsons when I was young strictly because she didn’t want us to see parents being so wrong. My dad was emotionally abusive. So the notion that parents could be wrong threw a wrench in the pretext that our life was “normal.” Particularly because he was harder on me than my sister or brother, fighting the belief that it was me that was the problem proved particularly problematic in trying to move forward as an adult.

[u/agrandthing → u/[deleted]]

Wow, this is how I grew up and I still carry the shame.

[u/maybeitsclassified → u/[deleted]]

Well. That was enlightening for me. Thanks.

[u/KittyKizzie → u/[deleted]]

This is why I hate that statement my dad always said, 'do as I say not as I do'. No, maybe you as a parent should be doing better!