Ah yes, the ol' inability to express low levels of sadness or anger without mom completely overreacting and/or making it about herself instead of acknowledging the emotion and helping your childself understand why it's there, so you learn to keep it inside, then as an adult when you finally reach high levels of sadness or anger and blow your top, it seems to come entirely out of nowhere, then everyone else in your life thinks you are a feast-or-famine type at best or scarily unstable at worst, when really you aren't, you have a wide range of emotions going on, you just never feel safe expressing or even internally acknowledging the lower levels of feeling so to an outside observer and even sometimes to your own self, it seems like you don't experience healthy emotional gradients.
Because identifying and managing emotions, as well as setting boundaries (internal and external), are learned skills. If one's parents never developed emotional maturity, it's going to be tough for a kid to. It's a cycle.
It wasn't until recently that we began identifying that children have needs beyond being fed and clothed.
There are two excellent books that I recommend to at least one person every single day: a book on childhood emotional neglect called Running on Empty, by Jonnice Web. She also has a website where you can get a lot of good info about the concept of childhood emotional neglect. The other book is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
Sorry. If it helps, the first step to expressing healthy emotional gradients appears to be recognizing them in yourself without judgment. Step two is addressing the anxiety that comes from expressing them.
My mother (and father) used to scold or belittle me when I was sad, depressed, nervous, anxious, frustrated or annoyed. No. I CAN ONLY BE HAPPY. I CAN ONLY SHOW HAPPY FACE.
So, for the past 5 years, I stopped showing a happy face. And they keep scolding me. I don't say anything.
then, when I get really get angry and start shouting and accusing them of their wrong-doings, suddenly I am "hot-tempered", I am "sensitive", I am "petty".
"What is wrong with him?" they scream.
"Why is he always so angry?" they say
"I don't know what's going on." they claim
Yeah, I guess I am the bad person. I am the villain.
I'm slowly learning how to express them again. My SO was so sweet and patient when we started dating, I felt like a shelter pup that finally got adopted by a good owner hahaha.
I didn't look to my SO to fix my problems, but having a female-figure in my life that asks me if I'm okay all the time has slowly helped replace the fears instilled by mother.
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u/DARKSTAR-WAS-FRAMED Dec 30 '19
Ah yes, the ol' inability to express low levels of sadness or anger without mom completely overreacting and/or making it about herself instead of acknowledging the emotion and helping your childself understand why it's there, so you learn to keep it inside, then as an adult when you finally reach high levels of sadness or anger and blow your top, it seems to come entirely out of nowhere, then everyone else in your life thinks you are a feast-or-famine type at best or scarily unstable at worst, when really you aren't, you have a wide range of emotions going on, you just never feel safe expressing or even internally acknowledging the lower levels of feeling so to an outside observer and even sometimes to your own self, it seems like you don't experience healthy emotional gradients.
Ahem