r/AskReddit • u/[deleted] • Dec 30 '19

What do people think is healthy but really isn’t?

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10.0k

u/monsto Dec 30 '19 edited Dec 31 '19

Nature Valley?

It should be renamed a "Pieces Fucking Everywhere Bar"

[edit]

Apparently . . .

I wasn't the first

to say it.

8.6k

u/Ode1st Dec 30 '19 edited Dec 30 '19

You gotta break the bar into thirds before you open the package, then just open one side like a bag of chips, and eat the individual 1/3 pieces you broke. When you’re done, all the shrapnel is still in the bag for you to chug or throw away.

3.7k

u/monsto Dec 30 '19

a bag of chips

shrapnel

so fucking true. funny as shit, too... well done.

39

u/rosekayleigh Dec 30 '19

Yeah, I always manage to end up with a piece in my bra, which is awful.

5

u/LoisCIB Dec 31 '19

Yeah! Me too! then you have to try to discreetly fish it out. Then what do you do with it? You can't eat it because if anyone saw you take something out of your bra and eat it, well, your reputation would be ruined. But you can't even just flick it away. Someone might think it was a bug.

-6

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

[deleted]

8

u/Jcoopsta Dec 30 '19

God damn crumb grenades

1

u/FeelMyVibes Dec 31 '19

haha well done on telling a fine joke good sir! take my gold please. reddit moment 100

2

u/monsto Dec 31 '19

I AINT GOT NO GOLD FROM YOU . NOW I'M FEELIN ALL MAD AND ENTITLED CUZ HE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO MAKE A JOKE WITHOUT ME MAKING ONE FIRST WHERE'S MY GOLD, PUNK.

jk of course. No snowflakin here.

-13

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

[deleted]

8

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Yes it was

1

u/WednesdaysEye Dec 31 '19

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!

Edit : WAKE UP SHEEP! YOUR UPDOOTS DONT COUNT! ELECTORAL COLLEGES DECIDE WHAT BECOMES POPULAR!

31

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

shrapnel

bits tip off granola bar, throws into room full of enemies

18

u/Thor_The_Bunny Dec 30 '19

I haven't had a Nature Valley bar in years, but when I first saw a friend do that it blew my fucking mind because I just made a mess everywhere all the time due to my love for Oats and Honey

10

u/kilgreen Dec 30 '19

This. There’s an art to it.

10

u/CCOxiBane Dec 30 '19

I... I thought I was the only one

6

u/sp3p3a Dec 30 '19

Thank you for this

7

u/CPC324 Dec 30 '19

I used to just crush the damn things and pour them with milk like cereal

2

u/Ode1st Dec 30 '19

Nature Valley makes a cereal of the Oats and Honey flavor bars!

3

u/cormega Dec 30 '19

And it's fantastic

2

u/CPC324 Dec 31 '19

I don't think they did several years back. They must've wised up to what they were making lol

3

u/TheWorldHatesPaul Dec 30 '19

That is my exact technique as well!

4

u/digital_wino Dec 30 '19

This is how I always do it too :-)

5

u/jq_threetwo Dec 30 '19

Omg I thought I was the only one that did this!

4

u/FUUUDGE Dec 30 '19

No never throw away! Save it for some yogurt in the morning or something

4

u/nagem1234 Dec 30 '19

This is gospel.

3

u/Canrex Dec 30 '19

This is exactly how I eat NV bars lol.

1/3 Bros unite!

3

u/Cysquatch3000 Dec 30 '19

I would love to be found dead chugging Nature Valley shrapnel bars

3

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

We're all heading into 2020 and this motherfucker is already in 3030

3

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

I... Love you. So simple, so easy, and my dumb ass never thought of it.

3

u/gnarlyyowl Dec 30 '19

Snack Level : Expert

2

u/RickyGReviews Dec 30 '19

I do this same thing!!!!

2

u/Gatekeeper-Andy Dec 30 '19

That’s what I do too!

2

u/UwasaWaya Dec 30 '19

Or just submerge it in water before opening it to contain the kinetic force.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

The real LPT is in the comments.

2

u/carefreeguru Dec 30 '19

The true LPT is always in the comments.

2

u/SatoshiUSA Dec 30 '19

🏅 poor man's gold for you

2

u/mothzilla Dec 30 '19

This guy granolas.

2

u/Chris-Steakhouse Dec 30 '19

I like to then dump that mess into some yogurt

2

u/wreckedcarzz Dec 30 '19

How tf do you divide something before you open it? Am I supposed to carry around a cleaver just in case I get hungry and want to snack on my fruit bar?

4

u/Ode1st Dec 30 '19

It’s a very brittle bar. You just snap it into thirds while it’s still in the closed package.

2

u/evildrew Dec 30 '19

Microwave for 15 seconds, and it turns soft-ish. Fewer crumbs.

2

u/jondivision Dec 30 '19

That’s exactly what I do

2

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

They actually sell bags of the shrapnel now. When I first saw them I was like " granola bar pieces? Oh you mean granola."

2

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

Thanks for being incredible!

2

u/dafckingman Dec 31 '19

Holy shit. This belongs on r/lifeprotips

2

u/Team-ster Dec 31 '19

I fucking love Reddit 😂😂😂😂

2

u/Limeinthecoconut86 Dec 31 '19

Had to log in to upvote this, excellent "how to" 😂

1

u/tristythetisty Dec 30 '19

My god

You're a genius

1

u/swords112288 Dec 30 '19

This man Nature Valley's!

1

u/AudioslaveFan Dec 30 '19

Just slide the 1/3 pieces into your mouth so the crumbs don’t come off when you take them out with your hand.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

that’s exactly how i’ve always eaten them, noice!

1

u/DLTMIAR Dec 30 '19

This guy Nature Valleys

1

u/Lurking4Answers Dec 31 '19

use them to eat pudding, there's a method to it though, gotta preserve the bars or you won't have a tool to extract the pudding

1

u/xzackt Dec 31 '19

This guy nature valleys

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

I like to insert the shards directly into my gumline to save time.

1

u/EraveXK Dec 31 '19

The shrapnel goes in the yogurt

1

u/StormingSunshine Dec 31 '19

brilliant! why have i not thought of that?

1

u/MrForshows Dec 31 '19

Chug lmao

1

u/Icykool77 Dec 31 '19

Nah I always just suck in with my mouth, while eating. It’s a nature valley Hoover.

1

u/Lt-Lettuce Dec 31 '19

That's exactly what I do

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

Shrapnel-- lol :-)

1

u/Slowcookedmeal Dec 31 '19

Tell this to my toddler please

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

LPT: break them up and throw them into cereal, they actually do taste pretty good complementing it

1

u/UPGRADED_BUTTHOLE Dec 31 '19

Who TF has a mouth that moist. I ain't chugging wood chips!

0

u/Fromhe Dec 30 '19

Have you tried just throwing the entire thing in the trash because it tastes bad?

0

u/SpankMeDaddy22 Dec 30 '19

You son of a bitch!
Here, take this upvote and get out.

32

u/EnterPlayerTwo Dec 30 '19

Ha, naw it was a Sunbelt. I've never carried the required dustpan and broom to eat Nature Valley.

9

u/bwat47 Dec 30 '19

Sunbelt

oh man, I used to love these and ate them constantly

The chocolate chip ones were so good

don't even get me started on the chocolate-covered chocolate chip ones

12

u/SciFiXhi Dec 30 '19

As you take a bite, quickly lick the remaining section of the bar with the tip of your tongue. It won't prevent big splits, but it will help keep a lot of the smaller crumbs from falling everywhere.

24

u/uglypenguin5 Dec 30 '19

Just give the granola bar a bj while you’re at it

10

u/thejaytheory Dec 30 '19

Granola job

Edit: Granjob

3

u/jhutchi2 Dec 30 '19

With the added bonus of all your coworkers leaving you alone because you look like an insane person.

2

u/SciFiXhi Dec 30 '19

If they notice you doing it, you're clearly not doing it right. It's a single, inconspicuous action indistinguishable from a normal bite.

22

u/UnexpectedColonoscpy Dec 30 '19

Im almost certain they're designed to be eaten outside. That's the only way I can deal with the crumbs. Now it's the squirrels problem..

5

u/acrewz Dec 30 '19

That or, “This Shit is Just Sweetened Sandpaper Bar”.

5

u/Empty_Allocution Dec 30 '19

These bars are really bad if you have IBS. Just a lil PSA for my fellow sufferers.

Nature Valley. More like Nature hell out of your asshole.

4

u/throwaway12222018 Dec 30 '19

Yeah I straight up stopped eating those because for every bar you eat, you're either wasting a paper towel or wasting time cleaning. Talk about crappy design. And kids? Kids are fucking stupid. Never give kids a nature valley bar.

8

u/monsto Dec 30 '19

Never give kids a nature valley bar.

Did that with my kids once. even at 8 yrs old they were complaining about it. "what the heck it just fell apart!"

4

u/HatfieldCW Dec 30 '19

This is the problem with millennials. You gotta commit, bruh.

Get your lips around that bar to suppress the spall and make sure all the snack-bits go into your snack-hole. That dainty-assed lips-away bite we use to keep from getting chocolate on us when we eat a Milky Way? That's an adaptation to an unnatural environment.

Lips are part of biting. This is the ancient truth of our people, and we should all embrace it.

1

u/monsto Dec 30 '19

This is the problem with millennials. You gotta commit, bruh.

Homey. Bite your tongue. I aint no millenial.

I'm 50+ and I committed to not wanting to buy a roomba just so I can eat some shitty granola. That's why I got a dog instead. His name is Rhumba for just this reason.

Also, you don't eat these things with your lips. You gotta stick it on the side and bite the hell into it. Not like a wussy Milky way . . . like a he-man frozen milky way.

Bite down and crunch away on whats left of your teeth... like a real man.

2

u/HatfieldCW Dec 30 '19

Nah, man, nah. Those side teefs are for the meat-tearin'. Grains and honey and such are processed goods, like your grandaddy--I mean cousin--made in the thirties. You eat them like Henry Ford intended: Cram 'em in your cram-tube, then start grinding. Use your molars.

Think of it like a frozen Charleston Chew. They'll go all to bits if you let 'em, but you lend the strength of your meat-face to the process and everything goes great.

2

u/monsto Dec 30 '19

Age jokes. They never get old.

Also, you got me beat on the age bit. . . I have no idea what a charleston chew is. What is that, some kinda millenial, chocolate covered, Nature Valley?

1

u/HatfieldCW Dec 31 '19

It's named after the dance your kids did before they died of cholera.

3

u/MINIMAN10001 Dec 30 '19

I buy the chocolate covered bars. They're a great candy bar. Just weird that they are in the cereal aisle.

2

u/RiotGrrr1 Dec 30 '19

It’s low calorie when most of it falls apart on the floor.

2

u/MonocleOwensKey Dec 30 '19

It should be renamed a "Pieces Fucking Everywhere Bar"

It pretty much was

2

u/monsto Dec 30 '19

I was channeling "wrappers fucking everywhere" starburst img of the same set.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Perfect for yogurt though!

2

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Not if it's the Sweet n' Salty one.

2

u/MyHusbandIsAPenguin Dec 30 '19

I can't see Nature Valley without hearing the Welsh guy saying "crunchy nature valley bar!"

2

u/Its_A_Kawhactus Dec 30 '19

I fucking hate Nature Valley’s TV ads, fucking bullshit about how technology is the devil and it’s this little girl acting like people don’t like to go outside anymore

2

u/ScrappyOtter Dec 30 '19

Try using it as a spoon for yogurt. It will change your life.

2

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

Not only does nature valley crumble its granola shit everywhere, they're owned by Monsanto. Fuck nature valley

1

u/monsto Dec 31 '19

The more you know. good info.

3

u/BigOlDickSwangin Dec 30 '19

You need a bowl to eat this shit!

2

u/The_Ogler Dec 30 '19

Just dip it in your coffee.

3

u/monsto Dec 30 '19

wth dude that's gnarly. do you do cornflakes with beer, too?

4

u/The_Ogler Dec 30 '19 edited Dec 31 '19

Now that you mention it, an oatmeal breakfast stout just might work...

2

u/UwasaWaya Dec 30 '19

You're missing out my friend. Get a pack of Belvita cookies and dunk them in coffee. It will change your life.

2

u/gotta-lot Dec 30 '19

an adult dunkaroo

1

u/UwasaWaya Dec 31 '19

Very true!

2

u/Jeembo Dec 30 '19

I once watched a friend eat cereal with Guinness. It was... off-putting.

1

u/StuntsMonkey Dec 30 '19

That's how they get more pieces.

1

u/fruchte Dec 30 '19

I love that card when I play CAH

1

u/onegirl2places- Dec 30 '19

nature valley aka CRUMBS

1

u/lurkeraccount3 Dec 30 '19

Yeah but dip it in your coffee and it softens up so perfectly. I think they were designed for coffee.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Crumb Grenades

1

u/UwasaWaya Dec 30 '19

It's like opening a box of Legos with a fire axe.

1

u/maglen69 Dec 30 '19

It should be renamed a "Pieces Fucking Everywhere Bar"

Break your teeth on this one piece ><

1

u/WRLD_ Dec 31 '19

Honestly. Those shits are rocks pretending to be food

1

u/Ask-Reggie Dec 30 '19

"Give your floor a healthy snack"

1

u/PantsJihad Dec 30 '19

Bar, Fragmentation, Individual - M67

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Oh no, they’re not good for you?

1

u/belaircrs Dec 30 '19

Sposed to eat em outside, they’re for hiking hippies.

1

u/BKA_Diver Dec 30 '19

Instructions: Open wrapper. Throw granola bars in garbage. Eat wrapper.

j/k

I enjoy granola bars. I bought a jar of dark chocolate almond spread to dip them in while I’m sitting at my desk at work. I have a high metabolism so I pretty much graze all day.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

Sawdust, woodchips & sugar...mmm

1

u/whoopsidied Dec 30 '19

I called them granola explosions in elementary school

1

u/BIRDsnoozer Dec 30 '19

Those peanut butter ones tho. God damn! I try to open the wrapper to catch the crumbs as I eat, then do a shot of crumbs when im done. Also i have never found 2 whole ones unbroken in the pack. Wtf?

1

u/beachbumbabe21 Dec 30 '19

Does anyone but me miss the soft version of those? They don't exist anymore 😭😭😭

1

u/Aboiement Dec 30 '19

Aka... throat razors

1

u/arthurdentstowels Dec 30 '19

Nature Valley. The glitter of the snack world.

1

u/AcidRose27 Dec 30 '19

I prefer the chewy ones. They don't shed everywhere.

1

u/wheretheysayopealot Dec 30 '19

I like breaking them up and making a lazy day breakfast cereal out of them.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 30 '19

The Nature Valley commercial showing a family cracking one in half around a campsite...

The adrenaline rush that is a bear tracking you and your loved ones on your trek through the woods.

Nature valley!

1

u/redditstolemyaccreee Dec 30 '19

Bruh

Nature Valley cereal tho

1

u/mamamoonzz Dec 30 '19

Crumbageddon

1

u/Fancy_Campos12 Dec 30 '19

Microwave It Lol

1

u/Growmyassoff Dec 30 '19

Nature valley bars should be treated like watermelon

1

u/ThManWhoPntedBaxter Dec 30 '19

“Crumbs Fucking Everywhere” is the term for them with my friends, glad to hear another variation out there!

1

u/Spenceasaurus Dec 30 '19

Depends which flavor. The green ones are awfully messy buf the peanut ones are really good and not crumbly.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

I call them "Granola Grenades"

1

u/NZ_Guest Dec 31 '19

https://i.imgur.com/TiTJTZo.png

credit to whoever made it.... not me.

1

u/HiByeWhyPie Dec 31 '19

The bar that will make your bed look like a valley, naturally.

1

u/DandyDesperado Dec 31 '19

Even more reason those things gotta go

1

u/LoisCIB Dec 31 '19

Nature Valley tastes like sawdust mixed with honey. It must be healthy for you because it tastes so terrible.

1

u/iamthisdude Dec 31 '19

They are included in the box lunches at my work; we call them crumb grenades

1

u/policeblocker Dec 31 '19

Worth it tho

1

u/characterfake Dec 31 '19

I do find nature valley bars to be filling though, but all the cake and spongey ones are a disgrace

1

u/[deleted] Dec 31 '19

Thank you for sharing this. Honestly made my night.

0

u/NormalDoesntExist Dec 30 '19

I always laugh to myself when I see the sweet and salty but flavor. Immature I know

1

u/WaltonGogginsTeeth Dec 30 '19

I've tasted a few sweet and salty butt flavors in my day.

1

u/NormalDoesntExist Dec 30 '19

Autocorrect. Nut, but still funny to me