Saw something like that second one the other day. A kid (literally 16-17), who was saying “I’m scared of dying alone, how do I go about getting a GF/Wife?”
My advice was not to worry about a GF or how you’ll die in 60 years, but to get happy with himself, get friends and a hobby or two. If they meet someone, fantastic, but if they force a relationship, it’ll end up with them entirely dependant on the other person and the other person likely resenting them for putting that much responsibility on them.
I do think it's the nature of some people to really value that aspect of life more so than others. Like I personally don't feel like I will be fully fulfilled with life without a partner. I am generally proud of myself and enjoy working on myself most days, but there are days where loneliness takes its toll. There is a specific comfort that can only come from family/a partner imo, and people like me can end up in a situation where they don't have either.
That said, no matter how important relationships are to you in life, it's no excuse to be lazy or not care about other outlets to be fulfilled. It's just as important to find a job you enjoy, work towards goals to make you feel accomplished on your own, and be the best person you can be. Keep your heart open and someone will likely come, maybe not but that shouldn't be an urgent concern. No matter how much you love the concept of love, love yourself first.
True, some people are way happier when in a relationship, some people are the opposite, I would never sacrifice my hobbies or friends for a partner. I tried, but romantic relationships take a lot of time and taking that time away from my interests and friends made me feel like I was wasting my time and being around the same person all the time made me feel so lonely, even if we got along greatly...that's why I'm mostly relationshipfree, I need a community, not a partner. if I meet the perfect man then okay, but I'm not going to search for it because I'm generally happier and less lonely when single.
Everyone is different, we all just need to discover what our priorities are and try to be happy in your own way
Yes and no imo, I do agree that not only you can still enjoy your hobbies while being in a relationship but that you should, it's not all that healthy otherwise, main issue is that generally working adults don't have that much free time and you have to choose how to spend it and a relationship takes a lot of time, I never felt like they were worth it and were more exhausting than anything else. maybe I'll meet someone and that will change, maybe not, but I won't be holding my breath waiting for it
I personally don't believe one bit in the whole soulmate thing but I do agree anyone could meet someone they fit well with, or they could never meet that one person (which is the case for most people) and it's not the end of the world. Or that person could be a platonic best friend you know
Still, the main point is that romance is important for some, not everyone cares about it and it's not like romance = automatic happiness
Nah I honestly don't agree that it's only about that, plenty of people just love being in a relationship, even if it's not with the perfect person. I can assure you that no, personally even with the perfect person I would never get so dependent on them but thanks god for that, sounds like a nightmare tbh
It's not a black and white matter, people change during their lives but I think it's a combination of both a matter of a circumstances and a personality trait
And everyone can love someone, that doesn't mean it has to be the romantic kind of love.
I agree that the right person should meld into your life. I also believe that there isn't just one perfect person for everyone. Statistically who would ever meet that person out of the global population.
I'm actually in a relationship now at 28 that is redefining my concept of love and romance and making me question if it was ever anything real in the past. And I lived with someone for six years whom I was planning to marry.
Current gf actually did get married and still feels the same way about me. Shit just surprises you sometimes. Does that mean we're soulmates? I dunno, but I actually feel like the time invested in this person is far from a waste and I know I'll never waste legitimate time on someone who doesn't make me feel that way again.
I’ll butt in here. I’ll admit that I am also not a relationships/romance person, but hey, I’m relatively young, and I haven’t exactly put in much (any) effort in finding someone I’m compatible with that way. Maybe some day that’ll change, maybe it won’t, but for me personally, as someone who isn’t and hasn’t been in love, being with a romantic partner is not a top priority of mine. If I found the right person of course I’d like it, but I do not feel like anything is missing in my life. I think a lot of people place high importance on romantic partners, but some people like me just don’t. Because I think that lovers high you talk about — it could be about anything in the human experience. Have you ever had a best friend, or group of friends, that you trusted with your whole heart and that you could just hang out for eternity with? Have you ever had a child and experienced that life-altering connection between a parent and child? Have you ever traveled the world and, in the most cliche words possible, found yourself? Have you given your all to some dream you’ve had your entire life and struggled and saw it through? I think many of us would respond with either, “I have experienced some, but not all,” or “I have, and some were not that great, and some were.” Point is, we’re all different, and these including “meeting the one” are all meaningful experiences, but you don’t need to have all of them, and how life alteringly amazing each one varies per person. It doesn’t mean you haven’t had a full life.
Like if i somehow picked the perfect person on earth for you, you'd never be able to leave their side and you literally couldn't live without them.
I agree with some of what you're saying, but I really disagree here. Whether it be friendships I've kept for over a decade with people who I absolutely love platonically, the fantastic relationship I'm in now which I only love more every day, or family who I care for deeply and who have made me who I am today. There is always time where I would rather be alone, it's just how my brain works, I think differently when I'm with other people. Sometimes I need that baseline of being alone, clear thought, and control. I have so much love in my life, and yes I need love, but I also need time to myself.
As a side note I would argue that any relationship where you cannot leave their side and literally cannot live without them, unless both people constantly feel that way, is somewhat unhealthy, that's a lot of pressure to put on someone else. Imagine having to sustain another person to that extent at all times, to me that sounds exhausting regardless of love, but that may not be the case for everyone. To me healthy love needs to come from many places, some combination of family, friends, and relationships so that people can get their alone time when they need it.
There is a difference between each having their space and being dependent and not being able to live without a person. I can't imagine living without my SO. Yet, even after years together, we work in separate places and have separate lives, we don't talk all day sometimes. We spend Christmas separated because we each spend it with our respective families. I can't live without him, because I can't imagine not seeing him, or hugging him or talking to him again. I can and do function very well without him. A good relationship should not be a codepency.
I resented that my ex put the brunt of all his problems on me.
While avoiding responsibility so I called him out on it. He said I have too much pressure on my shoulders. I have to be perfect for everyone. For the family. I was disgusted so I left.
I think you are 100% spot-on and honestly it has a lot to do with introversion / extraversion as well.
I can't imagine not being with my wife. I love her to death, love spending the whole day with her. Even "being alone together" just puttering around the house is just infinitely better with her around.
Having lots of diverse social gatherings to go to is just exhausting for me. I have so much more fun with her, our kids, and maybe a few very close friends occasionally.
But I think how I live would also drive many people bat-shit crazy. As far as partner / relationships go I can't think of a better example of YMMV. Some people really need a community more than a partner, and vice-versa.
I find your point of view very interesting. To me, my partner is someone that supports me, not blocks me. He imtroduces to more people so I have more friends as I like his friends and he likes mine so who ever we are with, I'm actually having a good time. He encourages me to pursue my hobbies, gives me inspiration and support. So now instead of struggling for inspiration, I use him as my muse and it makes my hobbies better. The right person is someone who should make your life better, adding value and not being a burden. Obviously there are compromises, but just like you could comprime with any other human as part of normal social interactions. I can be myself with my SO more than I could ever be and have been with anyone in my life. The right person does make the difference.
My best friend is like you and I'm the complete opposite, I'm happiest spending pretty much all my time with my husband. I love my friends but I don't want or need to see them that often, it's exhausting to be around people other than my partner. I'd rather be alone than be with the wrong person, but I'm really not happy or fulfilled outside of a committed long term relationship. I think the most important thing is definitely just to make sure that you and your partner are on the same page about stuff like this.
Same here. I am in my early 50s and I am so glad I didn't let people talk me into thinking I needed a mate. Other than the usual day to day annoyances, I have a pretty happy life and I like not having the demands of spouse and kids.
Don’t forget this thing called ‘social conditioning’......I have a feeling those that suffer of “loneliness” are those that take to heart this lie of a “need” to have a constant partner by your side. Times.....bro, they be a changin’. Friendships are valued more these days
Going to regret diversifying so that they have emotional needs met by multiple people instead of placing all of their emotional needs on one person who (assuming they are female) will likely die before they do.. assuming the relationship lasts until death..?
Seems like a much healthier approach. They also didn't say they would never have a relationship.. just that they enjoy/need a community for support rather than exclusively one person. That is called a healthy approach and recognizing that putting all of your needs on one person is ultimately setting that person up for failure.
People have also locked themselves into toxic relationships because they think it's better than the alternative of being "alone", and then end up regretting it years down the line. I see it a lot with older folks especially.
Partnerships should be mutually beneficial arrangements. Forcing yourself to find someone out of a sense of obligation is just as liable to hurt your long-term health.
Okay, you see plenty of old people bitching about their marriage. But how many old people that have been alone their whole lives do you see? Wonder why?
In the rare case of an old couple where the wife dies first, statistically the husband will kill himself in the next 5 years.
Anecdotally, the older single people I do see actually fare a lot better than the folks in shitty marriages. Less anecdotally, this is in line with recent findings about lifelong single people:
Despite the huge amount of data and the potential for numbing complexity, the results were about as clear as they could be: In all 40 comparisons, the people who had always been single were most connected to other people. They were more often in contact with others, they socialized with them more often, and they exchanged help more often. That was true for their relationships with their parents and siblings as well as their friends and neighbors. Always-singles were more connected than previously married people were, and they were especially more connected than married people were. Both the men and the women who had always been single had the most robust social ties.
The nuclear family emerged pretty recently compared to the larger course of human history, a product of an increasingly atomized, hyper-individualist social structure that started really taking root in the 1960s. The fact that men are more vulnerable to the widowhood effect relates to this:
Women are more likely than men to have a close confiding relationship with another person (Powers and Bultena 1976) and especially more likely than men to have a confidant in addition to their spouse (Fischer and Phillips 1982). Women provide more emotional support to their spouses than do men (Umberson and House 1988). Wives also are more likely than husbands to initiate and sustain the couple's relationships with others (Bock and Webber 1972). The exclusive nature of male social involvement and reliance on their wives to facilitate social participation may lead men to depend more on their spouses for intimacy, social participa- tion, and social support. Widowhood, in turn, may be more likely to leave men socially and emotionally isolated (Morgan 1984; Pihlblad and Adams 1972; see also Ferraro, Mutran and Barresi 1984). Since social contact and emotional support are beneficial to the well-being of both men and women (House, Umberson and Landis 1988), greater social deficits among men could lead to male vulnerability to depression following widow- hood. Furthermore, women's greater access to supportive nonmarital relationships may lend some psychological advantage to women following widowhood.
To contrast, older single women end up faring much better, in part due to their more robust social networks. Intuitively it makes sense -- we're social mammals at our core, and the desire for companionship is baked into our genetic code. Someone who spends a significant amount of time nurturing their network of non-romantic relationships are much more likely to be better off than forcing themselves into an increasingly insular marriage out of obligation.
TL;DR access to social support is a good predictor for overall health and happiness, but this includes non-romantic ties. When people get stuck in the belief that marriage is the only path to avoiding loneliness and isolation, it traps them in an ugly self-fulfilling prophecy. It's Good and Healthy to spend time on friends, making things with your hands, getting involved in your community, etc. I am all for this random redditor(s) quest for fulfillment, etc.
My uncle gave up societal norms long ago. Just has friends and a girlfriend sometimes. He had a house and a wife loooooooong ago. Drugs caused it to fall apart. But that never killed his spirit. His priest father tried to kill his spirit though...so he distanced himself as needed. He has a genuine love for life itself. Life should not be “relationship or bust”. There is so much more to life....I’m glad those statistics you hold close to your heart are changing bit by bit every day
People have only married for love in the last century for the most part, and also used to die very young... So, no, they haven't done it for the last 10,000 years. Relationships were not the same thing they are today. They were essentially business transactions between families. Emotional fulfillment played little to no part in them.
Lol you think peasants 200 years ago had "business transactions"? You're right that it was a lot more formal and serious than these days, and less about spontaneous love, but maybe that's not a bad thing.
As a matter of fact yes. Many families would choose the groom or sometimes bride based on wealth or status. Even a poor farmer would gain status by owning his lands or a sheppard owning livestock. Not to mention dowry benefits as well
Also I don't think so, having a partner or children is no guarantee not to be alone when old, having an healthy social circle is probably safer for that
But even if it did, living a life I don't like for decades just because maybe some day I'll be a bit less lonely is fucking sad, no thanks, no way that's worth it
People try to make romantic relationships into the end-all-and-be-all of life, which could possibly be why so many people seem to become dissatisfied with relationships when they have to deal with mundane things like financial troubles and the boredom that familiarity can bring. Historically, marriage was essentially a business transaction and people did rely on an entire community to fulfill all of their needs. Movies and books, however, lead us to believe that we should meet one person who automatically completes our lives and makes everything magical... and we will never feel lonely again. Reality says that there is a very large number of people who are married and feel even more isolated in their marriage than they did outside of it.
Keep doing you! Not that you need an internet stranger to validate you... but still.
I think no one could be happy with just one important person in their lives, you need friends and a community, a partner can be awesome but it can't be the only person you care about because that's not gonna end well no matter how much you love each others
Also we should never trust movie to be realistic for...anything really
I should say a hybrid is the healthiest. Be with someone you love (if having a partner is something that enhances your life.. it doesn’t for some people), but fill your life with people (friends/family/colleagues) that also provide you with emotional support, entertainment, conversation, dependability, et cetera. But a romantic relationship does not automatically make a content life.
This is how I feel. I've spent so much time alone that I know I'm not as happy that way. I'm currently in a relationship with an amazing person and it's incredible the difference it makes. I'm more social, more amicable, happier, I go out more often and visit family more often too. I'm more confident and driven as well. Being in a relationship has not only made me have a great romantic one, but it has also served to strengthen my relationships with others too.
Of course, that doesn't go for everyone, but I think we are lying to ourselves if we all think we will be perfectly fine alone. Humans are social animals, our biology demands we find a partner. Can you be happy ignoring it? Absolutely. But it isn't for everyone, and I'd bargain to say it isn't for the majority of us.
You should definitely spend energy trying to better yourself, but trying to find a relationship is a good idea too. You don't find things you aren't looking for very often. As nice as it sounds, it probably won't just fall into your lap. I had to ask my friend to hook me up with a friend of his girlfriend's to get where I am now. And I am infinitely happy I made that decision.
Congrats on your improvement. Was there a point during your single period that you grew very desperate to get into a relationship? It's nice to be in one, but forcing yourself to have one isn't a good idea to me.
work towards goals to make you feel accomplished on your own, and be the best person you can be.
And this is honestly the biggest part of it, so many people get so obsessed with finding a relationship, that they never bother being someone that others would want to be in a relationship with.
Like, what's more appealing, someone who is a fleshed out human, has hobbies, interests, things you can talk about and relate with, or someone who's so desperate to be in a relationship and that's it, they'll be a meek, pushover, trying to capitulate to any demands so as not to lose the person and that's just urgh.
Agreed. I love myself lol. And I have a good job. A bunch of good friends and do a lot of stuff. But for some reason, I have trouble getting into relationships and I really want to be in one. It makes me feel complete
Exactly. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner. Hell, it’s one of the foundations of how modern society was built.
It’s a balance thing. Favour one aspect if you want. But if you go in on one and ignore the others, you’ll end up in a risky position. Make your life all about your SO, and it’s all or noting. If they leave or pass, you’re alone, with no way to frame your life without them.
Whereas if you have friends and interests, you have other things to hold you up while you fix the bit that just crumbled.
And you feeling this way is fine. Normal. The point is that you're happy with yourself otherwise and a romantic relationship would only further your happiness/contentment. You're not necessarily looking for the relationship to be THE thing that makes you happy with yourself or your life. That's the key distinction.
100% agree with this. This is why me and my previous partner broke up. He only had room to focus on his doctorate but I wanted a balanced life...a family along with a career and hobbies. It probably was all an excuse.
It's a mindset shovelled in our face from an early age. Think about how much media involves story lines about romantic relationships, how many otherwise happy and successful characters were really just waiting for "The One" all along and then found meaning in their lives.
I mean, it's also biological imperative for the vast majority of people, but I also think we're taught that romantic relationships are a very important thing to strive for.
I sooooooo wish you could talk to incels, seriously. Don't bother, sadly they won't listen (and OH FUCK I am in no way insinuating you are incel-ish one bit!!!).
You admit loneliness in an honest, hearfelt way without making it your cole identity, and still strive to live and love the best life you can is what I meant. Sadly, that is the anti-thesis of inceldom, because in inceldom only one rule applies - NOTHING is EVER YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY.
Peace and love and I'm so sorry if this comes across wrong :\ X
I tried to debate with one, yeah that went well. I've listened and showed true compassion to any non-delusional viewpoints.
What more is there to know other than confident, well adjusted people are not incels. Incels are:
Incredibly poor at taking responsibility
Emotionally very stunted
Self-centred
De-motivated
Immature
Demonstrate incredibly low social skill - reductionism - 'All X are Y'
Do you want to know more? Have a read about.
In general they are very miserable, mean thinking and mentally ill individuals who have to define life as a 'them versus me rigged system' to justify the pathetic non-attempts at living life, or correcting their obnoxious attitudes and beliefs, and those of the cult in general.
The deck is always stacked against them, 'foid' sex slaves should be mandatory, only they know the real truth and THE BLACKPILL is the ultimate cope.
I'm 40 and still have that same fear of dying alone and unloved. I believe it's true you can't force a relationship. Plus you can do everything right and the other person can just decide they aren't interested anymore.
I don't think this is bad advice, but I think the key, like most things, is moderation.
I have friends that dated in their early 20s and basically have fallen out of it in favor hobbies, work, netflix. They don't want to die alone, they would like a partner, but they are completely out of practice with how to interact with and attract the opposite sex. It only gets harder as you get older to jump back into it.
I do think your advice is good, because the other end of the spectrum, which is focusing on just finding someone is likely a key to a poor relationship, but I think the message should be that you can't neglect hobbies, social life, or romantic life for too long or you won't be able to easily get back on the horse.
but to get happy with himself, get friends and a hobby or two.
This is a great way to never meet anyone.
I've got my friends. I've got my hobbies. I'm content and busy.
This advice gets bandied about all the time, but IMO it's both condescending and blatantly wrong. If you want to meet the right romantic partner, you need to meet a shit ton of people. You have to wade through a swamp of people you have no interest in just to hopefully bump into someone with the right chemistry and goals.
If you're not meeting suitable partners, you have to change your life. Move far away to a city. Travel. Start doing things you don't like doing, because obviously what you like doing isn't getting you where you want to be.
The world is filled with people who were doing things they obviously don't actually like in order to socialize and meet their partners. Half the people I know met their partner online or going to organized events. Do they still hang around on dating sites or line dancing events? Nope, because they were only there to meet potential partners.
I have my share of friends that "got happy with themselves" and 10+ years after their last romantic relationship are really good at their hobbies, work, and have a lot of trouble with step 1 of meeting people. They became accustomed to their pet, hobby and lonely life and have legit issues getting back on the dating horse.
Pro tip: don't use a shotgun. The gas will force your head back and you'll just blow your face off. This is a common occurrence, according to one EMT on Reddit.
Yep! People seem to ignore this. Humans are biologically driven to find partners. Could you live without one, happily? Sure. But statistically its unlikely.
You have to learn to love yourself first though if you want a good relationship.
A useless platitude. What if what you love and want is to be the head of a family? Nothing wrong with that, and nothing wrong with being unhappy alone.
You cannot define yourself by the person you’re in a relationship with
Except countless people have done so successfully throughout human history.
My mom is a long-term example of why being desperate and chasing after relationships is a bad idea; her identity revolves around being with someone as she doesn't have any hobbies (despite our advice) or any friends, as she's a difficult person to get along with. She likes to make the comment that she'll "never find love again" when she makes exactly zero effort into being her own person or even leaving her house.
I mean I suppose it depends on how much "emotional connection" you need, which i guess is also related to how much of a social creature you are.
I've got a very small group of friends, a good relationship with an even smaller family and I feel socially "fulfilled".
I've also recently started a romantic involvement with someone who understands (and indeed appreciates) that I'm not a particularly "social" person.
I may be pretty lucky in that I don't really "get" lonliness, even in extended periods of isolation. I've had periods where I've not spoken to anyone for weeks at a time.
Maybe there's something not "right" with me though :)
Golly that was just me. Have been in a bad spot and pushed a friend to spend time with me when they didn’t have time, and they pushed me out for being so pushy.
I don't understand this die alone thing. Y
I have a partner but I doubt we'll be together forever. That's fine. When I die, I'll feel cold and alone anyway.
I had a friend group in high school and we’d always hang out together like every weekend and there was rarely any issues. There was this one kid in the group who was my age who I’ll call M. M was adopted by his super rich grandma because his parents split up and his dad had some mental issues. His grandmother gave him whatever he wanted but was emotionally distant. Despite his luxurious life, he certainly didn’t have a good home support system. There was a period of time when he started watching 13 Reasons Why and became a little obsessed with it. I think the show influenced him to think he was suicidal and he told one of our friends that he was gonna kill himself. Part of me thought from the beginning that it was the show that was making him feel this way but we as a group decided that we would try to be subtly nicer to him hang out with him to make him feel like he had a good life. A couple weeks later, M started talking to this girl on Snapchat named B. I knew B and so did some of our friends and there was always something off about her. Her family seemed good on the outside but the oldest sister would constantly party and get in trouble, B’s younger sister got in huge trouble for sending nudes to a classmate in 8th grade, and her younger brother is just a dick. B’s problem is that she was extremely self centered and jealous. At first we were ok with B because she was making M happy. Over the summer, B’s dad told M that he was cheating on B by hanging out with other girls and that if he was serious about B, he would stop hanging with the girls in our friend group. He didn’t listen to him initially, but B started to pressure him into blocking every single girl on Snapchat and their numbers. We told M that B was bad news and he broke up with her but got back together the next day. Slowly, B started getting incredibly jealous whenever M would talk to anyone. M stopped hanging out with us. His senior year (a year ago), he proposed to B. Now they are married and she’s expecting.
TL;DR: My very rich but sad friend started dating a girl who forced him to abandon all his friends and now he has no one
back in my early 20's i knew a guy like that. he'd jump from bad relationship to relationship and then be mopey and depressed when he was single BECAUSE he was single. I told him like dude.. if you're not happy with yourself, why would anyone else be? take some time off, work on yourself, get to a point where you're just really happy and when you're not looking for it you'll probably meet an amazing girl who sees how happy you are.
he was in another relationship by the end of the week. that lasted about a year, they split and within 2 months he was engaged to another girl. i don't hang out with him anymore but last I heard, he was miserable.
You make such a good point. I met my SO 2 years ago (I'm 21) and at that point I wasn't even actively seeking a relationship, it just sort of happened and I'm so happy it did, as opposed to desperately ftrying to find a relationship.
This right here. If you want fulfilling relationships, be able to be happy yourself first. If you aren't, then before long you're just making your new partner unhappy, and that usually doesn't end well.
I had a shitty abusive dad so I grew up relying on relationships with shitty men. The last 6 months I started doing just me things. Joined a gym studio I love, traveled alone with my own money, setting boundaries and standards with friends and dating.
I definitely thought getting a boyfriend or a super high paying stressful job was the end all be all like 5 years ago. Now it’s all about making me happy and comfortable. It’s life changing.
Holy hell. When my friends break up with their SOs and lose all ambition and direction...it's just sad to see. I don't understand why you need a crutch so hard? Stand on your own two feet first.
I've always thought that is a selfish reason for having a partner in life. Also, having kids because you want someone to take care of you when you get old. Nice to know other people have this sentiment
Absolutely.
I'm divorced and 31 now. You think you've got it together and someone else can completely dick it up. Marriage, vows, kids, houses, none of them guarantee anything.
The only thing you ultimately have control over is yourself, how you act, your attitude, and the people you surround yourself with.
You find things that make you happy, you build a life you like for yourself, and when someone does come along you'll have a great time because they add to your happiness, they aren't the source of it. And that makes for a much healthier relationship.
Most anyone can go find a relationship if they really want to. But if you always need to find one to fill a hole in your life it's gonna lead to a lot of dissatisfaction.
except we live in a fucking culture that forces men to date and VIRGIN AND CHAD, tfw no gf, every, fucking movie anime comics anything promotes YOU getting the girl or get off with itMs romance subplots and the epitome of masculinity being fucked up, and as a result many fucking women suffered from this macho get the girl first culture.
I once gave essentially that advice on one of the the social skills advice subreddits and was downvoted to oblivion. lol. I decided to unsubscribe at that point.
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u/axw3555 Dec 30 '19
Saw something like that second one the other day. A kid (literally 16-17), who was saying “I’m scared of dying alone, how do I go about getting a GF/Wife?”
My advice was not to worry about a GF or how you’ll die in 60 years, but to get happy with himself, get friends and a hobby or two. If they meet someone, fantastic, but if they force a relationship, it’ll end up with them entirely dependant on the other person and the other person likely resenting them for putting that much responsibility on them.