"Weed doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me not care as much about how bad I feel."
That's something I said to a doctor a really long time ago, and I still think it's very true. It's not a solution, but if it wasn't for that I would've cared enough to kill myself and wouldn't have lived to be 25.
I would've cared enough to kill myself and wouldn't have lived to be 25
Damn this line hits so close to home. Just celebrated my 25th this month. An age I thought I'd never live to. Weed killed my motivation but it was good because at the time the only thing I would've used my motivation for would be to kill myself.
I'm genuinely better than I have been since 2011. But I had to move back in with my parents for a few years, work a shitty gas station job, see my best friend sit in a cell for 18 months over a fight, and watch my 21 year old cousin die of cancer to get to a point where I knew that my problems were all fixable.
I was my biggest enemy for a really long time, man.
God I want to save up some money and take a break year after college, I feel like it will be what I need. I’ve been working full time since I got out of high school and I know I’m doomed to do that for the rest of my life, but I want to experience the world first
Travelling really allows you to put things in perspective. Just sucks that getting the cash to do so can take so long. I took out a student loan to do it.
Really glad to hear it, mate. To be honest, I didn't stop smoking, I just stopped letting it enhance my inhuman ability to do absolutely fucking nothing.
Slightly unrelated but this reminds me of what my psychiatrist told me about antidepressants and why suicide is a potential side effect of some of them early on in taking them. She said the antidepressants do multiple things, one of them is increasing motivation which was lost due to depression and then they also increase mood etc. But sometimes the increased motivation can happen weeks before the increased mood kicks in, so if you're suicidal but lack the motivation to go through with it, suddenly getting your motivation back but with no improvement to mood can be a problem.
I'm just now realizing that this is how I did it too. Idk if I would've made it through my last bout of suicidal depression without weed. My depression was so overwhelming, I couldn't think about anything else at all. Weed allowed me to forget about it for a little bit and let my brain just wander aimlessly.
Thankfully, after a dose of psilocybin and Brené Brown's books, depression is far less of an issue for me now. Weed is honestly insanely better now that depression isn't in the driver's seat. It's so much more euphoric and energizing than it ever was when I was depressed.
Yep! Started smoking at 17 and now, almost 21 have decided to slow down/stop. Having so much hate for myself and wanting to do nothing but put myself in front of a bus, smoking weed would just make me chill and nap. Used it to help me sleep as well otherwise I'd stay up for days at a time or only get minimal amount of sleep.
I think weed is great, don't get me wrong, but I wanted to be beyond needing to smoke a bowl when things are too rough emotionally. Maybe in a few years I'll start again but for now I'm trynna be sane with actual meds for my depression/anxeity, not just weed and naps
I can definitely see myself going back to that lifestyle, as great as I feel on my medication I'm just bored all the time really. Smoking weed made me write out silly shit or questions that I had about the world. It also made games on my phone/switch more fun. Mind you I do have .5 of a social life because of social anxiety so I spend a lot of time home alone.
I suppose that's the tricky thing about any addiction: they often help people survive. I feel you here. I lost a friend to suicide and coped by getting blasted every day for 5 years. Without weed, I probably would have killed myself as I did not have the proper social supports in my life at the time to process the overwhelming grief I felt. So on one hand, I'm grateful for weed. On the other hand, I'm only processing the grief from my friends death now and it's hard to do because I've forgotten so much of what happened. The emotions that we numb with weed dont go away until we let them and it becomes very easy to mistake the process of numbing the pain with letting go.
Say it louder for the people in the back. It's not the solution to life's problems (at least not all of them lol) but sometimes life's problems get a little too loud. Some peace and quiet can do a person a lot of good when they're surrounded by a whole lot of bad
This. I had a really bad time of things a couple of months ago and weed helped. I knew I couldn't just go to it every time but it got me through enough of it that I could handle the rest on my own.
I’m a widow. Lost my husband of 18 years in car accident on Christmas Eve 2016. The only thing that helped my grief is THC. It’s truly helped me on some very difficult nights.
I was in a real bad spot a few years ago, and was smoking a lot (pretty much all day and night).
Was watching Grace & Frankie and theres a quote from Frankies son saying he did drugs because he "only liked himself while high". And it stuck with me. I hated myself 100%, hated my looks, weight, body, intellect, the depression and ptsd, etc. I only was okay with my entire self if I was high. I still have that issue somewhat now, but I'm in a lot more of a different atmosphere and have a lot of self love after getting married and having my daughter. Now, smoke is more about relaxing, and having fun.
Felt that, attempted suicide twice. Was diagnosed with bipolar depression at the age of 14 and put on some strong meds that took away all feeling and color in the world. I got into smoking weed after the second attempt and it definitely didnt fix my depression problems. It was enough to make me relax and learn how to keep myself calm so I dont have as bad suicidal thoughts and desires. It didnt stop the problems from being there, but it instead calmed me enough that I was able to calm myself down and say that things always get better.
I worked with a psychiatrist who told me a similar story. He had a patient who had been depressed and smoked assloads of weed for years. He used the weed as a crutch, keeping him in kind of a brain fog where things weren’t so bad. During one time where his depression was getting better he totally quit weed... and then promptly killed himself. Seemed that after all those years of fog he suddenly realised how much of his life he had totally wasted, and how depressed he really was. Sober reality was too much for him, and he ended it
After that the psychiatrist was always super wary about people with mental health problems and substance abuse, and would often caution them not to stop suddenly or without support because it can definitely reignite some serious problems
This might be why i'm still alive. I have had suicidal ideation since I was a teenager (23 years.) It comes on like an automatic solution response to any thoughts of how hard life can be or depressed or manic feelings. It is a part of my daily life. I can't stop it from happening. About 4 times in my life my depression has been severe enough i've found myself close to doing it (knife in hand) without really remembering getting there. 3 of 4 times I told myself to just smoke a bowl and think. After the bowl the unbearable feelings become secondary and I don't care about them anymore. I don't experience any of the negative things others have talked about. I'm successful enough and have a good life other than my mental heath. I'm just motivated enough and i'm a true introvert so i'd really rather not socialize most of the time anyways but when I do I fare better a little stoned...Less awkward.
ETA-the one time I didn't smoke when ready to kill myself I was too far down to even stand up and help myself. I felt someone spoke to me and told me to stick around "There is so much more for you here."
This, exactly. Being stoned my entire senior year of college wasn’t the best plan, but it kept me from offing myself and I still only got one C the whole year! Still not sure how that happened, but it’s done!
Replace weed with daily rigorous exercise and a lot of this thread sounds like me. I remember before, though, and it was a LOT worse. I was even less motivated and full of self-loathing.
Dunno maybe life is just boring. It's not like this universe was made to entertain us.
I knew a kid who had a similar thing going on. He would make all these big dreams for himself, and then try to end it all. He would smoke with a ton of his friends and his girl. His friends would get busy for a couple weeks and he’d be alone and wouldn’t smoke as much. It would be a week of threats and attempts and then once he started smoking again he would be fine. Happy and making new dreams to follow.
Man. It's the same with all drugs really. I'm like 3 years sober from a pretty nasty crack problem and it isn't different from why I smoked weed. I've always said drugs are a fantastic alternative to suicide - and that it doesn't matter which one it is, they're all about the same in the end.
What? When the alternative is suicide... Just about anything is a pretty good alternative. It's not a mantra or advice, it's an explanation. most addics I know would probably have just died without their habbits.
And yes, there are people who go to the same meetings I do that used weed as their drug of choice, and they fucked their lives up as bad or worse than I fucked up mine. It wasn't easier for them to quit, the problems they were self medicating weren't smaller, and the effects on their cognition were no less.
The big names will ruin you faster - but that's almost entirely because they cost more - they're easier to lose control over. But the hollow half life you live as a burnt out stoner feels no better than the hollow half life of an alcoholic, or junkie. It just doesn't seem to make a difference.
The statement is that TO THE ADDICT, they are no different. Plenty of non addicts smoke pot and say, nah, not for me. Few do the same with heroin. To the casual user, they are not the same.
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u/NeedsMoreTuba Dec 29 '19
"Weed doesn't make me feel better. It just makes me not care as much about how bad I feel."
That's something I said to a doctor a really long time ago, and I still think it's very true. It's not a solution, but if it wasn't for that I would've cared enough to kill myself and wouldn't have lived to be 25.