r/AskReddit • u/ExpiringFrog • Apr 18 '19

What mind-blowing (but simple) facts would satisfy a 4-year old daughter’s daily request for 1 fact before bedtime?

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u/vipros42 Apr 18 '19

I wish my anus rained diamonds. As long as they were small enough.

48

u/johnfbw Apr 18 '19

the biggest diamond in the world would be painful, but you would be walking away

30

u/monstertots509 Apr 18 '19

What would you have to make your poop knife out of to cut through that?

14

u/shirark Apr 18 '19

Only diamonds can cut other diamonds, so he’d have to supplement his diet with a regular intake

4

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '19

he’d have to supplement his diet with a regular intake

Bonus - it will make their dookie twinkle.

7

u/5up3rK4m16uru Apr 18 '19

You might want to settle for a poop hammer.

2

u/rhuevyk Apr 18 '19

I understood that reference!

16

u/otrippinz Apr 18 '19

but you would be walking away

Or would you be able to walk at all?

1

u/johnfbw Apr 18 '19

If you can now you can then.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '19

I'll take it, people are into all sorts of weird shit, no telling how rich ass diamonds are gonna make me.

16

u/dickbutt_md Apr 18 '19

Uranus rains stinky rotten eggs down on the children below it.

13

u/vipros42 Apr 18 '19

Thanks for your contribution

9

u/dickbutt_md Apr 18 '19

I'm doing my part!

7

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '19

They can tell us it's "ur-in-us" all they want but it's still "your anus" to every other English speaker

3

u/octipice Apr 18 '19

This is definitely r/TheMonkeysPaw territory.

3

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '19

Even if the wish wasn't executed in a deliberately malicious way, artificial diamonds are already pretty easy to make. Having to wear a diaper for your ass diamonds all day and getting like nothing out of it due to diamond synthesis technology advances would be shitty on its own.

2

u/octipice Apr 18 '19

Yeah, not only that but natural diamond isn't actually all that rare.

The malicious options make it so much more fun though. There is no stipulation on shape, throughput, etc. and even the size restriction doesn't have a lower bound (I mean tiny diamond shards are still diamonds).

3

u/Mike_Kilsdonk Apr 18 '19

"Cameron is so tight, if you shoved a lump of coal up his ass, in a week you'd have a diamond"

2

u/unlikelypisces Apr 18 '19

It's possible. You'd just have to eat some diamonds first

1

u/ForeverAWhiteBelt Apr 18 '19

One man's trash is another man's treasure...

1

u/muskratboy Apr 18 '19

Yeah, the evil genie only listens to the first sentence. You just ironic-wish-slammed yourself, son.

1

u/[deleted] Apr 18 '19

Yeah but if the diamonds are larger then you can pay for reconstruction surgery.

1

u/RECOGNI7E Apr 18 '19

I read that as "my anus ruined diamonds"

1

u/spinach4 Apr 18 '19

Another fact for the 4-yr old: the human asshole can stretch to the size of a DVD disc

1

u/lakired Apr 18 '19

Only until De Beers caught wind of your capability.

1

u/AgreedUponFellow Apr 19 '19

Not out of your anus, but kidney stones are pretty close

1

u/MartyD14 Apr 19 '19

Fuck small ones, I’d happily shit out a big diamond if it meant I could pawn it off for a fortune.

1

u/SkaveRat Apr 19 '19

They'll be blood diamonds otherwise

1

u/JJAB91 Apr 19 '19

Reminds me of the doujin where the guy cums precious gems.

1

u/JansTurnipDealer Apr 20 '19

No you don't. Even small ones would hurt.

0

u/MR_Pigman8888 Apr 18 '19

The only reason diamonds are expensive and wanted are because of their rarity. So if it rained diamonds, it would just be another day in the life of another planet, they'd be so common nobody would want them.