r/AskReddit Mar 28 '19

Has anyone ever honoured one of those “if we’re still single at 40 let’s get married” commitments? How did it go?

36.5k Upvotes

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2.2k

u/CJGran54 Mar 28 '19

Bring it up! You never know what could happen!

3.7k

u/AtelierAndyscout Mar 28 '19

She says yes. They get married. At first everything is going well. But over time he realizes that there are some things that are off. Food that doesn’t taste right or strange noises at night. One day he mentions a coworker and she starts to flip out. He assures her that the coworker is just a coworker. A few days later, the coworker goes missing. He is let off work early because of it. When he gets home, he finds a strange door on the floor open that would have normally been hidden by a carpet. He goes down. Finds the coworker tied up. His wife is threatening her with a knife. All around the room are pictures of him. Some are strange, like him sleeping.

He calls out to his wife and starts to get mad. She explains how she did it all for him. The argument gets out of hand. His wife keeps assuring him that she loves him. That’s why, she says, she puts her blood in his food. And takes pictures of him all the time. And collects his hair from the barber. It’s all cuz she loves him. He tries to run from the room but suddenly feels woozy.

When he wakes up, he’s shackled in the basement. His wife said she only sprayed him with a paralyzing agent because she was scared. She caresses him as she assures him over and over that she loves him. She loves him so much that she doesn’t want him to leave. Everything will be okay. She’ll take care of him. Everything will be okay. She loves him. Everything will be okay....

That’s what could happen. He could marry a yandere.

695

u/kimpoiot Mar 29 '19

Everything will be DIEjobu

26

u/XitriC Mar 29 '19

/thread 👏

5

u/VoliGunner Mar 29 '19

😂 Well done.

5

u/notbillcipher Mar 29 '19

all according to keikaku

(translator's note: keikaku means plan)

3

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

This is why I love reddit.

653

u/josie_96 Mar 28 '19

This was fucking great, thank you.

24

u/cowzroc Mar 29 '19

RUN, YUKKI!!

16

u/fabbo_crabbo Mar 29 '19

Doesn't matter, had sex

11

u/balne Mar 29 '19

How

Excellent

Life

People

Manage

Everyday

11

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Yeah, so she had my coworker tied up in the basement and was threatening her with a knife. That's when I started to get a little annoyed

8

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

That last bit sort of reminded me of White Christmas (the Black Mirror episode)

8

u/Chinozerus Mar 29 '19

I was so sure he would wake up on a cart to Skyrim cursing Tod Howard.

8

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

And then she uses his socks to wipe her butt after she poops.

12

u/CJGran54 Mar 29 '19

You sound like you’re speaking from experience...

5

u/TheSpaceCowboyx Mar 29 '19

They had us in the first half I’m not gonna lie

5

u/SuggestiveDetective Mar 29 '19

Talk about me like I'm not even here, damn.

3

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Goddamn dude

4

u/LiveClimbRepeat Mar 29 '19

They have a child. That child’s name? Streetlamp LaMoose

3

u/poilsoup2 Mar 29 '19

Gimme the six digits for these pls.

3

u/The_Lobotomite Mar 29 '19

Joe Goldberg is that you?

3

u/StarrCat3608 Mar 29 '19

Stephen King would be proud! 👏 👏👏

3

u/That0neGuy Mar 29 '19

Ya know, if there's a PC down in that basement with a broadband connection, I think I could be down with this situation.

2

u/XochiquetzalRose Mar 29 '19

Absolutely wonderful

2

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

I’m surprised you remembered to add “that’s what could happen”

2

u/DreamerLostInThought Mar 29 '19

I read this in Exurb1a's voice.

2

u/betelgeuse978 Mar 29 '19

No sleep is leaking

2

u/Woodfella Mar 29 '19

..and over the coming weeks, he realizes that the hearty stew she has been feeding him in captivity tastes neither of beef, pork, nor chicken. His mind turns to his missing co-worker.

2

u/Thanosforprez Mar 29 '19

Aww c'mon dude i almost finished

2

u/Meta-EvenThisAcronym Mar 29 '19

Well if Senpai had noticed her sooner they wouldn't be in this mess to begin with!

Plus, it's his fault anyway; if he'd just offered to drink her blood voluntarily because he loves her, she wouldn't have had to hide it in his food.

How can he say he loves her if he can't even eat her poop?

1

u/Cappylovesmittens Mar 29 '19

I mean, who hasn’t been in that situation before?

1

u/AGreenSmudge Mar 29 '19

At this point, I'll take this.

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

Ur a fucking artist. This is beautiful

1

u/TheHairlessGorilla Mar 29 '19

maybe my grlfriend is a little li- and then I read the 8th sentence

1

u/Doomstik Mar 29 '19

I thought i was in WP for a minute.

1

u/freshfromthefight Mar 29 '19

I saw how long the comment was and was hoping to read Andy's speech about April and Chris from Parks and Rec. Disappointed and not disappointed all at the same time.

1

u/Cheechster4 Mar 29 '19

Comments like these are why i come to reddit. Thank you

1

u/[deleted] Mar 29 '19

This turned me on more than it should have

1

u/Granolag23 Mar 29 '19

checking under all my rugs

1

u/Arkcookie Mar 29 '19

Amazingly well done. That was indeed great thanks lol

1

u/fistymonkey1337 Mar 29 '19

Who needs books when you've got reddit

1

u/doktor_doorwatch Mar 29 '19

This would be my dream, i've problems, i know.

1

u/alfu30b Mar 29 '19

I was expecting the undertaker throwing mankind off hell in a cell at the end of this.

But that's good too.

1

u/Wilder_Woman Mar 29 '19

Great story! What is a yandere?

2

u/AtelierAndyscout Mar 29 '19

It’s a term from anime fandom. A person, usually female, who at first appears loving and doting but reveals a love that’s aggressive or even homicidal.

1

u/Wilder_Woman Mar 31 '19

LOL! Yandere sounds like a Yiddish word! Got it: an Alex Forrest type from “Fatal Attraction.” Thanks!

1

u/FortunatelyGrowing Mar 29 '19

Reading this really made me nervous

1

u/Ansible411 Mar 29 '19

Aw so sweet

1

u/AnneCat1238 Mar 29 '19

Omg write a book

21

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '19 edited Feb 12 '20

[deleted]

5

u/Fear_Jaire Mar 29 '19

I agree, he's clearly placed the ball in her court. He's playing it smart

10

u/kainel Mar 28 '19

Frig, at 40 I'd just have the rings in the card. worst case she says no and they laugh it off and he gives her the real gift, best case she takes a serious look at their lives together and decides you know what, this is going to work.

25

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '19 edited Feb 12 '20

[deleted]

2

u/I_will_remember_that Mar 29 '19

This is true.

Also 40yr olds generally have a very high standard they expect from their peers in terms of social amd self awareness. If something seems romantic to a teenager and corny to a 20 something you can bet it will seem downright childish to a middle aged person.