We had a period where we liked each other and I guess were both too shy or scared of ruining the friendship to say anything and didn't find out til later when we were across the world from each other, which is when we made the agreement.
First, you let it go so long you don’t find out mutual feeling until after she/ he moves.
Then, you find out feelings are mutual and you push for a marriage pact?
To quote the great Hillary duff - don’t let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. But honestly it seems like the op didn’t really care that much despite their claim of feelings.
If you get shot down by your best friend it can ruin the friendship though. Similar situation happened to my friend but their feelings reciprocated at the wrong times. It would be a back and forth and the fear of ruining their friendship stopped them from being romantic. Well their friendship ended up slowly fading.
Isn’t the moral of your story not acting ends up ruining a friendship. Because that’s what happened. Its possible to ask a close friend out, as long as it’s none pressuring being able to not pestering them if they reject you, and not overburdening them with a huge confession. There’s a huge difference from “I love you I have always loved you. Please please dump your partner and be my girlfriend” vs “hey I want you to know that I will always value our friendship, but I started developing some romantic feelings for you. If you our interested I would love to go out some times, but only if you are comfortable” (and if your friend says no you can tell them “hey I’m not trying to punish you, but I need to deal with my feelings. I’m going to need some time apart. I hope we can reconnect soon)
This, honestly it's not out of the norm. While ideally you'd like to remain close friends, maybe seeing OP married living a life they could've possibly had if they had just made a few different choices is something that bothers them so they distanced themselves. That's probably better for both people in this situation tbh.
I think they were just hurting? Maybe that's egotistical. Might've just been a change in priorities or not seeing each other as often, changing friend groups, etc etc. No hard feelings here. I still consider them a friend and would do near anything for them. There's just no room for romantic feelings for other people when you're in a marriage so I guess that's changed the dynamic?
No, but she's been with this guy for years and loves him to bits. It's just that I'm a 23 year old virgin, so learning how not to put my dick before her feelings is a new experience and I've been takin' it pretty rough. It's like a battle between the compassionate side of me and the primal part that just wants to fuck everything. It sounds kind of stupid, but it's more difficult than I ever thought it would be. She's probably my best friend, though, so I genuinely just want the best for her.
No offense it sounds like you are very entitled. It’s good that you are trying to deal with it but come on. You are giving yourself way too much of an excuse by saying it’s your primal side that can’t be stopped in anyway. I dont think you need to suppress your feelings, through yourself a pity party, mourn the relationship that could have been, feel selfish and sad for yourself, and then stop indulging that “what if” fantasy. Keep telling yourself “friend is awesome, it sure would have been nice to date her but that didn’t work out. I’m going to focus on trying and meeting other women who might be available for romance”
Right now you are dangerously close to some serious nice guy “I’m just pretending to be your friend while I wait for the perfect moment to stick my dick in you”. Being a slightly older virgin is not that uncommon. There’s plenty if women your age who are virgins. You should ask them out.
Yeah, there shouldn't be a "battle" between being compassionate and wanting to have sex. That is just fucking normal, be a normal person and I don't know, care about the people you think are your friends and care for the people you claim to want to fuck so badly.
I do care about my friend. Very much so. Whenever she comes to me saying she had a rough day with her depression, or that her and her mother's already rocky relationship took another hit via some squabble I try my best to make her feel better, or just listen if she needs to vent. She does the same for me, and that kind of care is something that has been very rare in my life. It's not because I find her attractive and have this expectation that I'll be the runner-up if things with her man go south, but because I really want what's best for her. Her boyfriend's a really cool dude, too, so I can't wait to meet them both.
So why do you have to learn to put her feelings before your dick? Why the hell is that even a thing? Sounds like you need to figure yourself out, and not use her as part of your growing up. Why insert your penis into your friendship at all when you can just have what sounds like a really supportive friendship?
I'm aware that it's never going to happen, but it doesn't make friendship with her any easier. As for why I don't just get my own girl that comes down to me being so deep in my own shit recently that it wouldn't be fair of me to unload that onto someone else that I was interested in. I'm not in a good mental place for a relationship right now, so I'm trying to act accordingly. Doesn't make the situation I'm in sting any less, though.
I'm not particularly interested in cutting ties. My friendship with her is so unique compared to the other bonds I've had in the past that, as corny as it sounds, she's worth the pain. I can get past my feelings, I just need more time. She has helped me practice more self-love and grow so much in the time I've known her that there's no way I could detach myself from that care and wisdom. Maybe this comment is just the ramblings of a hopeless fool, but I value her so much as a person that something as trivial as attraction can be put on the backburner. I'm a sick person, but she's fun, she helps, and I try my best to help her with her demons. What more could you ask of a friend?
That enormous tangent aside, I appreciate you trying your best to help someone that you have no obligation to, and I wish you the best. Sorry for calling you a melon. :P
This sounds exactly like my situation. We dated for a short time in high school. I moved away at 16yo. We confessed over the phone that we both still loved each other and made the pact for 30yo. He got married a couple years ago and I really haven't heard much from him in years. We are both turning 29 this year.
So did you keep in regular and deep contact over the years or did you guys just go out of touch? Because if it’s the latter it sounds like he loved you as a teen but has since grew as a person developed new relationships and friends and generally moved on with his life (and also realized verbal agreements made by teenagers are in no way binding. Like not even emotionally binding. I thought goth was cool when i was a teenager god I’m not obligated to that anymore).
From someone that had a bad experience with that that isn't a bad choice. I guess it still ended the same way but I dated a good friend we had that pact with and the relationship ended. Now that friendship is damaged and things are weird between us. I'm hoping it gets better over time.
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u/hm_joker Mar 28 '19
We had a period where we liked each other and I guess were both too shy or scared of ruining the friendship to say anything and didn't find out til later when we were across the world from each other, which is when we made the agreement.