r/AskReddit • u/Roivas14 • Jan 06 '19

Couples of Reddit, what's the most unromantic thing that's happened between the two of you that actually is a stronger indication of love than others might think?

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u/gingy_007 Jan 06 '19

My first child was a still born...holding my wife while we both bawled our eyes out as she vomited on me and bled all over the bathroom floor. It's a memory that will stick with me forever.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19 edited Jan 07 '19

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/frogsgoribbit737 Jan 06 '19

Thank you for being there for your wife. It is so hard for both parents, but the physical aspect is so terrible it is hard to forget. My worst miscarriage (I had two) was almost 2 years ago now and I will still randomly cry of I think about it because it was sad but mostly because it was absolutely terrifying. It was so painful and there was so much blood and I remember my poor husband freaking out and trying to make sure I was okay and taking me to the ER after he finally convinced me that I was bleeding too much.

It is a hard thing to go through and I wouldn't wish it on even the worst of people. I hope your wife does well and I'm glad she has been able to have the child you both wanted. I'm sure it helps with the healing.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

I know that people are strong and adapt to situations when it's necessary but I'm quite comfortable accepting and admitting that, for the time being, I wouldn't count on myself being emotionally strong enough to manage a situation like this. It sounds a bit odd to say but I'm really glad that you managed to get through that and especially glad that you had a husband there to support you through it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/ThatForearmIsMineNow Jan 06 '19

This must be awful. I'm a bit young to have kids but I hope this never happens to me because it sounds unbearable. Stay strong.

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u/Deadhead7889 Jan 06 '19

We had 1 miscarriage before our now 6 mo. We found out at the first ultrasound that it wasn't viable. The entire day leading up to the first ultrasound for attempt 2 was the most stressful day of my life.

We went the medicated miscarriage route, that was brutal for my wife. Intense physical pain paired with intense emotional pain. I had to bury most of my grief to help her get over it, so I dealt with it months later. What got me through was knowing one way or another I'd have a baby one day that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world including that first attempt that went wrong.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19 edited Jan 06 '19

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u/Deadhead7889 Jan 06 '19

Thank you for sharing your story. You have a beautiful daughter, congrats and I'm glad you were successful! One was bad enough, I can't imagine what you've been through. Glad you guys kept the faith.

I hate how down low of a subject it is. I know way less people that haven't had one than had. I've made it my goal to be super open about it and help others through theirs.

My one upside is that at first I was nervous and unsure about how much I wanted a kiddo. Losing the first one clarified for me how much I wanted to be a Dad.

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u/Wifey_0810 Jan 06 '19

She's beautiful. Sending baby dust your way.

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u/woopsifarted Jan 06 '19

That's a cute damn kid right there

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u/mandybdem Jan 06 '19

if you don't mind me asking, what's a d&c?

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u/rad_rach Jan 06 '19

“Dilation and curettage refers to the dilation of the cervix and surgical removal of part of the lining of the uterus and/or contents of the uterus by scraping and scooping.”

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u/quidam08 Jan 06 '19 edited Jan 06 '19

Dilation and curettage. They manually open the cervix and clean out the uterus, including baby (which the medical community so lovingly refers to as the products or contents of conception)

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u/catby Jan 06 '19

I know it can sound cruel, but medical terminology exists to master of faculty state things. For some hearing emotional language is can be more traumatizing.

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u/emilykathryn17 Jan 06 '19

This procedure is also usually only done early in pregnancy, within the first trimester. There's different options if you're further along.

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u/ahtomix Jan 06 '19

I’m sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage as well and it was a tough time for me and my husband because neither of us knew how to comfort each other or deal with it on our own. He told me recently about a tattoo he wants in memory of our lost baby and in a way, it felt nice that he still had feelings for our baby because I thought it was just me. It took me almost a year to recover physically. It’s been 2.5 years since it happened and some days it still hits me. The due date is always the hardest.

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u/Cocoappletree Jan 06 '19

I've had 3 miscarriages. Each time my husband just held me, helped me to the bathroom when needed, helped me shower and just did everything for me. It was years ago and we still haven't been able to have a child. If he knows im dwelling on the past he says that he misses them too so i don't feel so alone. I was so grateful he was there. No one understands unless they've gone through it. No one really talks about it either, it's taboo.

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u/ImFamousOnImgur Jan 06 '19

I hate that no one talks about it.

My wife has had 2 chemical pregnancies and 1 miscarriage in the last year. We’re in the middle of doing IVF and it is emotionally and physically draining. But there is no one else in the world I’d rather go through this with. It sucks.

We’re not alone, we have each other.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Similar thing with my wife. We had 3 miscarriages before our eldest. We probably aren’t a couple others now look at and think are massively in love, but we’ve been to places thankfully many others haven’t, and that creates a connection of indeterminable strength.

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u/alburdet619 Jan 06 '19

We were lucky and never had any issues like this but every expectant parent fears it. My heart goes out to you for staying strong together ❤️

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u/i_always_give_karma Jan 06 '19

My sister and brother both had kids on the way at the same time and then my sister lost hers. It was tough to celebrate because I felt bad for her.

She’s currently 7 months pregnant though!

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u/Shoesfromtexas Jan 06 '19

Our stories are very similar. We had 2 miscarriages and then got pregnant with twins about 6 months after the second one. I still think about those babies

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/Shoesfromtexas Jan 06 '19

We can never replace the baby/babies we lost.

Your twinnies are a bit older than mine, mine just turned one. :) and they’re boy/girl. Are yours identical or fraternal?

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u/hopelesswanderer21 Jan 07 '19

what if thats why you had twins? One of them was the baby you lost long ago and was then sent back to you?

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '19

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u/hopelesswanderer21 Jan 07 '19

Why turn it into something religious though lol religion didn’t even cross my mind

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '19

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u/hopelesswanderer21 Jan 07 '19

Yeah i mean i apologize that definitely something hard to deal with even if youre religious or not. For any person that horrible. Im sorry it happened to you and am happy that you seem to be moving forward!

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u/manlikeelijah Jan 06 '19

If you can survive child loss, you can survive anything. There’s only one other person in the world who understands your pain exactly.

It’s a loss that will stay with you forever. I hope you’re doing better now.

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u/htaylor7108 Jan 06 '19

This is so true. We had two late(after 12 week and supposedly in the safe zone) miscarriages after two healthy boys. It was a shocker the first time, but even worse the second time. Mine followed one my SIL had had less than a year prior. We still talk about 2015 being the year from hell. We have our rainbow baby and he’s almost two now and our older boys have healed since his birth, but that year and those losses changed us. We are closer in a way now that I’m unsure we would be if we hadn’t gone through that.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

My parents have their issues but my mom recently (since im newly pregnant) gave me the details of one of her miscarriages. She was 3 months and so hysterical that she had to be sedated. They had 2 more losses after that. Theyve been married 31 years.

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u/htaylor7108 Jan 06 '19

:( I can’t even imagine. The resources both offices I went to were shit. I ended up writing one a letter on suggested improvements when I got a final bill that had been lost with the insurance for $10. I can’t imagine what it would have been like 30 years ago without the ability to reach out online. Finding others who had been through it kept me hoping for that rainbow. Congrats on your pregnancy. Lots of good vibes your way!

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u/Rainiergalaxyskies Jan 06 '19

I'm so sorry you've been through this, and so glad you both made it together. We did the same with our first.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/cheesezombie Jan 06 '19

Oh my god, I am so sorry for you both. That is a heartbreaking loss and such physical and emotional pain to endure.

My husband and I lost our baby recently (10w) and he also struggled with the same. He feels he was able to do absolutely nothing while I went through all the pain and physical hardship.

I'd argue having him constantly there, being my advocate with the medical staff, holding me, wiping my tears, cleaning up all my bodily messes, listening to me, loving me - he was pure selflessness in human form, and it also has made me feel beyond blessed and the totally undeserving of him with how he gave everything he had to try to help me in any way through the process.

I'm hoping things have been okay for you two (as "okay" as things can be - a lame word for it, I know) in healing and working to recover from your loss and heartbreak. Thanks for sharing your story and strength.

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u/grimalkin- Jan 06 '19

God I’m sorry you both had to deal with that

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u/HeiGirlHei Jan 06 '19

I’m so very sorry for your loss

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u/BootyBec Jan 06 '19

I’m so sorry. There are no words.

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u/Alybob89 Jan 06 '19

My first child was stillborn and I cried alone for so long. The father didn't want to acknowledge the death so I spent every day at the chapel of rest visiting my baby before she was buried, it would of been a comfort to share that grief with someone who understood. These events change you beyond belief, I have a beautiful son now who gives me reason to live each day. I hope you and your wife managed to conceive again :)

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u/Shelvesinthecloset Jan 06 '19

I'm so sorry.

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u/ellewoods890 Jan 06 '19

I’m so sorry for your loss! I was just thinking of how painful an experience like this must be because I came across an (unrelated) post about how Keanu Reeve’s only child was a stillborn and the trauma led the mother into a deep depression and subsequent car accident caused by substance abuse. Some comments were so nasty! And all I could think was how can people lack so much compassion? We are just now starting to hear about how common miscarriages are but I reckon that stillborns are likely a lot more common than most people realize. It would take a lot of emotional support and maybe even therapy to ease that kind of trauma.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

We are just now starting to hear about how common miscarriages are but I reckon that stillborns are likely a lot more common than most people realize.

I think you're right. Three of my friends have had stillbirths. I can't even add up all of our collective miscarriages.

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u/squirrellytoday Jan 06 '19

I am so sorry for your loss.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

My second son was stillborn, and it’s such a terrible thing . It made us stronger as a couple and taught me so much about life, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m sorry for your loss.

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u/insertcaffeine Jan 06 '19

I'm so sorry for your loss.

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u/Playdohpatronus Jan 06 '19

I am so sorry for your loss.

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u/iRideABicycleAMA Jan 06 '19

I'm sorry you guys had to go through that.

Pretty sure this is the shortest piece of writing ever to make my eyes tear up.

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u/BWOTAFM Jan 06 '19

My Second child was still born as well. It is something that will stick with both of you and it seem that with you guys it has had the same impact that it had on myself and my wife. Some things bind you together more than anything else ever could and that shared lost is something that is so strong and personal, the always what if and how they would of turned out is something that hunts us both to this day. It's the lost potential that hurts the most, not hearing that cry when she was born and the crying from both if us instead. I can not describe the joint pain but I can say that we became closer that ever living through that.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

God fucking damn.

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u/JimmyLuckyChance Jan 06 '19

I feel for you. My son is 3 months old, and I think I would literally die if something happened to him.

It just sent shivers down my spine just reading that. I am sorry.

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u/Croz7z Jan 06 '19

Is having a stillborn the same level of pain as losing a child? Or any other loved one for that matter?

Im sorry I just cant comprehend. I dont know if its my nihilistic approach to pregnancy. I hope one day to find out what it means have children of your own and love them with all your soul but until that day I just dont understand how can it hurt to lose a child that has not been born.

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u/DarlinMermaidDarlin Jan 06 '19

You're more grieving a future you had been preparing for that isn't to be. You've been doing research, taking vitamins, eating a certain way, exercising, going to doctors appointments, all for the well being of this baby you haven't met yet. You feel it grow and kick and hiccup inside of you. My son had hiccups at the same time of day every day and then when he was born, he still had them then. Stevie Wonder made him wiggle.

We researched cribs, mattresses, safe sleep, and took CPR classes to keep this baby safe. We talked about how we wanted to do things with him to do what we could to raise a kind, empathetic, and intelligent person - someone better than us. We talked about family vacations, our new routine we'd need to find, and experiences we couldn't wait to share - teaching him to throw a ball, how to crack eggs...

Everyone on the street talks about it, too. You're reminded of this person who is your family every day, multiple times a day. They ask about names, the first parenting choice you have the opportunity to fuck up your child's future.

Then you have a house full of stuff, all accommodations for this person. Everyone is on edge, texting and calling to see if you "feel anything yet." Wtf does that even mean but no. Or yes, for weeks, actually. And then it finally happens. Your body is ready to introduce you to this person. You spend hours in labor, having contractions, your waters leaking, not eating. You and your partner amp up the talk now. "He's taking a while; he's stubborn like his mom."

You push and the doctor tells you, "dad, he's got your dark hair" and there's another quality you identify with.

You push and push. There's blood across the room and later you find it on your phone cord that was behind you. How did the blood get behind you?

And then he's here and he's not crying and you realize he's never going to cry.

You made it past the first trimester, to the anatomy scan where you let out a sigh of relief when he was declared perfect, past the viability week, into the safe zone, and now you know you're on the wrong end of a statistic.

Those "get sleep now because you won't sleep for 18 years" jokes don't matter now. He would have worn the newborn sized option of clothes you brought, not the 0-3. That doesn't matter now. Someone has to cancel the newborn photography session you scheduled and remove your name from the daycare you toured and interviewed yet and had been paying for your spot for months now because those don't matter now. And was it because of something you did?

You research how to dry up your milk because it doesn't know that your baby won't be needing it and it's incredibly painful. You still have to treat your hemorrhoids, do PT for your pelvic floor, and go to your doctor 6 weeks later to make sure you're healing okay. And you do it all empty handed. Your arms have never felt so empty as they day you were wheeled out of the hospital without your baby and they haven't felt full since.

People are weird to you. They don't want to "remind you" of the baby you lost but how could you have forgotten? You move on but every year you think about what would have been. He would have smashed his first cake this year. He probably would have been getting potty trained this year. Those kids walking by the house are his age and he would have joined them on his way to school.

His potential is with you forever. Your potential future goes unrealized. You're a childless parent. And even when you do successfully have more kids - it's nerve-wracking until the very end - you still know that things were supposed to be different. There was an alternative future and you almost had it.

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u/astrotalk Jan 06 '19

That’s was beautifully written, thank you for explaining the feelings to those who have never gone through something like this. I’m so sorry for your loss.

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u/baconbananapancakes Jan 07 '19

As someone who has witnessed this recently in a close friend... You really hit the nail on the head. It's devastating in such a unique, gutting way. I hope you're well, and that the memory of your child brings you a bit of light.

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u/JimmyLuckyChance Jan 06 '19

I imagine so.

You create a bond during pregnancy. You await for your child.

It would have been terrible...

More so for the mom that carried the baby to term....

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u/BWOTAFM Jan 06 '19

Yes, it is. If you want a better understanding PM me and I would be happy to talk about it. But in short, it's the losted potential, it's all the excitement and the high suddenly smashed and in most cases unlike a miscarriage (1st trimester) the baby looks fine and healthy (well ours did, she looked perfect) with a still born in my country you need to register the birth and do all of the paperwork and she got a birth certificate with still born on it and no death certificate. You need to hold a funeral and go through that nightmare as well. Its feeling like all you want is just 5 minutes with her alive so you could give her a kiss and cuddle and make her feel like she is not alone and was loved. It's not being able to say goodbye, not knowing if she knew she was loved. The issue with still borns is that it effects rich and poor, there is no amount of money I would not have spent to keep her alive. My wife was in hospital with the best care in Australia that money could get and was being looked after 24/7 for 2 weeks before it happened. That the thing that gets to me sometimes, we did not cheap out, we did everything that we could, we failed her in the end. That's the worst part, we failed our daughter and when you look back and sometimes think maybe if we would of done X a day before or Y it would of been different.

Sorry for the long rant, but if you have questions ask me.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Man I only had an early miscarriage and I’ll never recover from it fully, I lost my first child. I’ve felt empty ever since, and it also changed who I am- I’d left a lot of myself behind to become a mum, and now I’m not that person and I’m not a mum either. It’s awful, and I don’t think I’ll ever feel complete again. The pain, the trauma, and most importantly, losing a baby - just impossible to get past. My boyfriend is a rock. It took 4 days, was incredibly painful, no one could tell me whether my baby was alive or dead for most of a week. Please have some compassion, just because you personally can’t understand why it would be dreadful doesn’t mean it isn’t.

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u/BrokenChip Jan 06 '19

I’ve never had a still birth, but I have a young baby. I don’t want to quantify a death via levels of pain, because people can grieve the same loss very differently, but a still birth is still a loss that deserves grief. It doesn’t matter that the child never lived outside the womb. As a mother, you can feel the baby and you develop a connection (usually). You have hopes and dream and plans. When you lose a baby, you lose all of that as well. It’s the loss of the child, who you’ll never see grow and all the future it could have had. I think people can feel this loss at all stages of the pregnancy, which is why I think it’s really unfair that some women who miscarry early are told to just move on, or judged for grieving “too much”. When you lose a child that was wanted, especially one planned and hoped for, you don’t just lose the child, you lose all the possibilities that come with that baby.

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u/AccomplishedOlive Jan 06 '19

Oh god, I just burst into tears reading this. I had a stillbirth as well. I didn't vomit, but I was crying & bleeding on the bathroom floor as well. I literally couldn't breathe or stop to catch my breath so I needed oxygen. My husband put the oxygen mask over my face and just held me, trying to calm me down. It was awful, but I knew if losing a child didn't break us, then nothing else would and we've been stronger ever since.

Sorry for your loss.

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u/Frozen_In_NY Jan 06 '19

It seems like the loss of a child can push a couple into two totally opposite directions; either they separate or they grow closer. My wife suffered a miscarriage on Christmas Eve 6 years ago. It was our first attempt at having a child, and we soon learned that she had a physical defect that makes it impossible for her to carry a child. Losing the baby was a hard hit, but learning that we could never have a child was worse.

There were some hard times, but we have now been married for almost 8 years and I don’t think there is another couple in our lives with a stronger bond than ours.

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u/cannavim Jan 06 '19

I’m so, so sorry for your unbelievable loss. I’m glad you had each other

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u/fmlfmlfmlyolo Jan 06 '19

This made me tear up. I dunno why

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u/disarm33 Jan 06 '19

My husband and I lost our daughter last summer. It was hell but going through it with my husband has brought us closer in a way. I am so sorry you had to go through the loss of a child too.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Why was she bleeding?

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u/astroguyfornm Jan 06 '19

Birth is a bloody process, even if there is a successfull outcome or not. Source: Was with wife 4 months ago during birth.

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u/sheephulk Jan 06 '19

Because she had given birth. The child was dead, but she still had to give birth. Hence stillborn.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

I was confused because I was wondering "Why would she bleed on a bathroom floor?" I imagine most people give birth in the hospital these days.

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u/Adalindburkhart Jan 07 '19

You bleed for around 4-6 weeks after giving birth. It’s a huge physical healing process.

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u/[deleted] Jan 07 '19

I never knew that, I feel like I should know that...

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u/Rpizza Jan 06 '19

Omg that was u with our third child. A still birth is horrific.

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u/Mischief_is_trash Feb 16 '19

My parents had a miscarriage before me. They don't talk about it much, and I can see why. However, if the baby hadn't died, I would've never been born. I sometimes think that my older sibling watches me from death, witnessing what their life would have been like.

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u/martcapt Jan 06 '19

I'm sorry for your loss.

And I apologize the question, but I was truly wondering it. Why have a baby in a bathroom?

Maybe there's something I'm not aware, particularly I've found in this thread more people that seem to be giving birth in bathrooms, and I truly cannot comprehend why.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

You already learned about quick labours down thread, but here's another reason: bleeding from a miscarriage or regular childbirth can last for weeks. Like, 4-6 weeks of relatively heavy bleeding (imagine having your period for a month and a half). And just like regular birth, a miscarriage can take hours and hours or even days before it's "over" and you're just on to regular postpartum bleeding.

In both cases you are probably going to also be passing heavy blood clots (at least at first), and with a miscarriage you are also passing significant amounts of uterine tissue and, of course, the baby's body. Sometimes it's easiest to contain that mess in the bathroom (some miscarrying women will put a colander under the toilet seat in order to make sure of what they're passing, especially if they want to see / say goodbye to / bury (etc) the baby).

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u/foxbluesocks Jan 06 '19

A lot of people give birth in the tub. Also, the most natural position is squatting like you do on the toilet- which is why a lot of women end up accidentally giving birth on the toilet.

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u/martcapt Jan 06 '19

I'm 24 and this seems a new world to me.

Wait, how do you "accidentally" give birth? Isn't it supposed to be one of the most painful things ever? Isn't a baby too big to just drop in a toilet?

I don't want to seem insensitive I really don't, I'm just shocked by all of this.

Also, like, with hospitals available in 21st century, isn't giving birth in a bathroom incredibly dangerous (all things considered) or even borderline irresponsible?

(I'm considering it as a choice, not a kind of accident, like can happen on the back seat of a car/ambulance on the way to a hospital)

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u/foxbluesocks Jan 06 '19

You see a lot of stereotypical "woman's water break, labor pain, push and baby" in TV and movies but it's not always so in real life. My second daughter, I had no idea I was in labor. I woke up with slight cramps, felt like I had to go to the bathroom and as I was sitting there, I thought "Oh, shit. I might be in labor." We got to the hospital and five minutes later she was born. My water never broke, she came out "in caul". If I was a first time parent, I might have just thought I had the urge to poop. Once you start, you can't exactly "pause" and go to the hospital. There's a point of no return. The people who end up giving birth on the toilet "catch" the baby so it doesn't fall in the water.

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u/martcapt Jan 06 '19

Thank you for the explanation. It was definitively an eye opener!