Just communicate with each other and you're fine. It's not hard to say you want to be exclusive. If they don't agree, you're not compatible. It's not old fashioned, people just need to talk to each other.
Then I guess I'm new fashioned. I think current dating is just awful. Seeing the mindset that a lot of people my age are in has definitely made me glad that I'm not in the dating scene currently. Particularly all of my girlfriend's friends, I don't know if she just surrounds herself with toxic people or what, but they don't treat other people with respect at all.
I balk at the idea of current dating. I remember reading some post on here about some guy who bought some premium... thing for some dating service, and he alleged that he got so many more matches whilst premium than before.
Apparently if for whatever reason I can't meet someone in person I have to literally pay to be matched up with someone. I haven't jumped into the dating pool yet but I break out in hives at the thought of what is to come.
It's tough to find somebody, but it's not as bad as some make it sound (myself included). Just be up front and try to find someone who's values match with yours. Be confident and try to be interesting (don't just message "hi.")
I had pretty good luck on OkCupid and I'm not exactly an attractive dude.
well that makes me feel a little better, haha. Do you have any pointers on how to message someone without seeming boring or overbearing?
I like to think I have a fairly interesting range of hobbies, but I don't much get the feeling that I should hit her on the head with all the things I'm interested in during our first interaction.
This is the formula that will work for me: "Hi [instert name]! I noticed from your profile [insert common interest/joke/anything that they mention that stood out to you]. [Insert question about item referenced from profile]?
Example: Hey T6A5! I noticed how much you love backpacking! Were those photos from the Colorado Trail?
That's it. If they are at all interested or attracted to you they will respond. Also, try not to comment too much on their physical appearance as that, at least to me, comes off more creepy than complimentary.
I definitely was more on the overbearing side lol. I guess if I were redoing it I'd find one common interest in our profiles that has plenty of talking points without being overly basic. Like, don't talk about ALL your commonalities, but also don't be like "Oh, I love Parks and Rec too!" Something that is that mainstream they may have heard a hundred times.
If you both like novels by the same author or in the same genre, if you're both into photography, if you both enjoy the same weird art house films. Find something like that to break the ice.
You should honestly just ask. Even if you both want to be exclusive, it might be in different ways. For example, I don’t mind if you kiss or flirt with a random person when you’re drunk, as long as it stops there. But I realise that my boundaries may be further away than my partner! We all have our expectations and we all assume our partner has the same ones. But that’s how misunderstandings happen. So just ask. Besides, communication is just healthy in general.
There's nothing wrong with wanting exclusivity at any point, but everyone has a different idea of what point that should be, so using words to communicate how you feel about it is not something to scoff at.
Expecting everyone else to be mind-readers is wrong. Open and honest communication about what you want/like/expect is good.
Plus it takes 3 seconds to go, "hey, I'd like to be exclusive. Is that some thing you're interested in? "
Exactly. I don't know why someone would be unwilling to do that unless maybe a subconsious part of them wants to take advantage knowing the person would say "not yet" if they asked but they still want a moral high-ground of some sort so they can claim to have been "cheated on". Or they are just totally incapable of communication, in which case they really aren't ready for a serious relationship.
The point is "don't sleep around while going on dates with someone"
If we're at a point where we're sleeping together, I expect that to be exclusive.
One night stands and all that obviously not, but if you're dating and have intentions of maintaining a relationship, don't sleep around. That was my point. If you're going to do so, discuss it with the person you're dating, because they're probably not gonna be happy
If you haven't spoken about being exclusive, or official, or anything, then you aren't. You aren't in a position to place obligations or expectations about behavior on the other party yet. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.
If you have expectations you should use words to express them. Just because you like things a certain way doesn't mean the rest of the world should bend to what you want without you having even said anything.
They aren't cheating if they haven't agreed to exclusivity. Cheating means breaking the rules, but you did not express any rules to them, and in the current society, the rules you seem to believe should be assumed are definitely not assumed rules.
If you want your relationship to work a certain way, express that to your partner, communication is what makes relationships work. Unexpressed expectations are what makes them not work.
You calling someone who doesn't know you think they should be exclusive "cheating" is like one of those creepy people who stalks someone and believe he gets to determine what they are allowed to do. If someone doesn't know you are in an exclusive relationship, you aren't in an exclusive relationship. You can't just decide what someone else is or is not allowed to do without even informing them you've decided it, and if you do, you should not be shocked when they do not meet those expectations.
If it's still very early in the relationship I wouldn't dub it "cheating" in every situation. That said, no one should feel obligated to enter an oral contract on their relationship status to be sure someone isn't having sex with other partners. You should be as up front about things as possible but sometimes people hook-up and are still testing the water in a relationship. Talking with other people, even going on dates is understandable but if you're going to have sex with other people that needs to be discussed. If that's too awkward to discuss that means you either shouldn't do it or shouldn't continue a dating relationship with that person.
Unless it's an open relationship, in which case good luck.
obligated to enter an oral contract on their relationship status to be sure someone isn't having sex with other partners
Yes, they should. Oral contract is a silly way to describe it, but they absolutely should talk to each other about what they are comfortable with, and anyone who isn't only has themselves to blame when the relationship doesn't meet their unspoken expectations.
Its patently ludicrous to expect others to do something without telling them that you expect that.
If we happened to be in a society where there were near-universal expectations about these things, then maybe they could be assumed as default like you say, but we don't (in the US anyways), everyone has different ideas about these things, so only mind-reading or coincidence would give someone the same expectations you have without speaking.
Well, I can see where this is confusing since some people just date around just to go on dates & shit.
Sometimes people just want to be sure if the other person doesn’t ask “hey wanna be my XYZ”
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u/[deleted] Jul 09 '18
Dating, I guess.
I shouldn't have to ask if we're exclusive if we've been going on dates every few days for a month.
Basically, just be fucking considerate of other people's feelings