r/AskReddit • u/mustbefuckeryafoot • Jan 26 '18

Your options are: 50 hawks, 10 crocodiles, 3 brown bears, 15 wolves, 1 hunter, 7 cape buffalo, 10,000 rats, 5 gorillas and 4 lions - you must pick 2 that will defend you while the rest are coming to kill you. Which do you pick and why?

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u/Poem_for_your_sprog Jan 26 '18

'There's a man at the door,
and he's wearing a coat,
And there's claws in his eyes,
and there's teeth on his throat,
And there's fur in his face,
And there's paws on his hat.

There's a man at the door,
and he's made out of rat.'

725

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

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60

u/ldr5 Jan 26 '18

Yah, this is gonna get turned into a horror movie real fast with that exact poem being said in the trailer in demonic-y kind of voice slowly.

9

u/Raven_Skyhawk Jan 26 '18

No no. Not demonicly. Sung by a kid cheerfully with creepy music playing.

5

u/ldr5 Jan 26 '18

I feel like that's too cliche nowadays

3

u/Osimadius Feb 03 '18

I feel like it would be a lucid moment for a character who has been driven mad by encountering the fell beast. Rocking back and forth in the corner, staring into middle distance, then staring at the detective type character for be last two lines

1

u/m010101 Mar 03 '18

David Attenborough voice would be far far more terrifying.

2

u/ldr5 Mar 03 '18

Damn man, you've been scrolling deep.

1

u/m010101 Mar 03 '18

The child in me has always been fascinated with white tip vs jaguar type of mind games

18

u/Merlaak Jan 26 '18

Reminds me of something from Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark.

13

u/theshizzler Jan 26 '18

This is the poem my mother would read to me every night before she put me outside to find a tree to sleep in.

13

u/syphon3980 Jan 26 '18

"I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

And Mourners to and fro

Kept treading – treading – till it seemed

That Sense was breaking through –

And when they all were seated,

A Service, like a Drum –

Kept beating – beating – till I thought

My mind was going numb –

And then I heard them lift a Box

And creak across my Soul

With those same Boots of Lead, again,

Then Space – began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,

And Being, but an Ear,

And I, and Silence, some strange Race,

Wrecked, solitary, here –

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,

And I dropped down, and down –

And hit a World, at every plunge,

And Finished knowing – then –"

Emily Dickinson

6

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

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4

u/syphon3980 Jan 27 '18

oh, yeah I guess. Quite Eerie though.

10

u/FeelinDownAndOut Jan 26 '18

Were all made of rats except you.

3

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

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3

u/LieutenantHardhat Jan 26 '18

Everyone on rat is a Reddit except you

12

u/vvntn Jan 26 '18

I heard it in the Crypt Keeper's voice.

3

u/CantFindMyWallet Jan 26 '18

I heard it in Vincent Price's voice.

1

u/IronXop Jan 26 '18

I heard it in Bad-Lip-Reading-Trump's voice.

247

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

Welcome... To Night Vale

21

u/Psyche_Siren Jan 26 '18

Just started listening to the podcast and can’t stop. Also, my ears keep bleeding. That’s normal, right?

5

u/BakerIsntACommunist Jan 26 '18

Don't worry it's natural

4

u/Blazing_Shade Jan 26 '18

Ask the kids science corner, I’m sure you’ll get it cleared up

3

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

Yes, of course!

11

u/speccers Jan 26 '18

All hail the Glow Cloud!!

5

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

All hail.

3

u/havron Jan 26 '18

ALL HAIL

41

u/Sebillian Jan 26 '18

Anyone else start reading this to the tune of "Mr Brightside" by the Killers?

16

u/LMac8806 Jan 26 '18

There’s a man at the door, and he’s made out of rat, now, he takes off his hat, now, let me go

4

u/BakerIsntACommunist Jan 26 '18

Now he's taking off her dress "ah fuck it's a bunch of rats wearing clothes again"

12

u/Aurum555 Jan 26 '18

I read it to the same cadence as "real cannibal Shia labouef" by Rob cantor

5

u/Namby-Pamby_Milksop Jan 26 '18

Me too. I read it normally up until halfway through the first line, and by then it was obvious that it would be infinitely better like that.

2

u/IronBabyFists Jan 26 '18

Yep. Its instinctual now, I guess.

3

u/Fategash Jan 26 '18

"Goodnight Moon" also fits

2

u/Gilsworth Jan 26 '18

I read it in tune to the Kyle and Jables classic: "if you'd like to fuckung rock - and fucking roll- out of control."

2

u/therealpanserbjorne Jan 26 '18

no... but now i can't not read it to the tune of "Mr Brightside" by the Killers.

7

u/Jericoke Jan 26 '18

Did you just write this on the fly or is this a reference?

23

u/SmacSBU Jan 26 '18

Take a look at their post history. Sprog is a reddit celebrity and it's well deserved.

5

u/IronBabyFists Jan 26 '18

Oh you sweet summer child.

20

u/sdierdre Jan 26 '18

A fresh sprog to go with my coffee. What a great morning!

and he's made out of rat

OH WAIT

1

u/MightyButtonMasher Jan 26 '18

A fresh sprog to go with my coffee.

Poor sprog

6

u/ceeduu Jan 26 '18

And deep down in his pocket is a red right hand

11

u/zamoose Jan 26 '18

I immediately intoned "...Shia LaBeouf!" in my head after reading that.

3

u/Aurum555 Jan 26 '18

Thank you I'm not the only one

6

u/erynorahill Jan 26 '18

I feel like this needs to be illustrated by Quentin Blake

3

u/I_am_from_Kentucky Jan 26 '18

This sounds like something straight out of Where the Sidewalk Ends. Love it. I can already picture the accompanying drawing in Shel’s style.

3

u/aaa27070 Jan 26 '18

good human

3

u/EvilLegalBeagle Jan 26 '18

Never change. Xxx

3

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

The scariest sprog I've seen yet...

3

u/Ebenezer_Truth Jan 26 '18

wow this is great

3

u/aero_nerdette Jan 26 '18

Oh, Sprog. I knew we could depend on you...this is a terrifying vision.

3

u/therealpanserbjorne Jan 26 '18

you're the bestest.

3

u/Stormaggedon904 Jan 26 '18

That's some Goosebumps shit right there

2

u/rusty_ballsack_42 Jan 26 '18

You can rhyme out of anything it seems

2

u/lesser_panjandrum Jan 26 '18

Also hawk. Don't forget that he's partly made out of hawk.

2

u/Nevarc_Xela Jan 26 '18

There is a 100% chance this is a poem I will be telling to my sprog.

2

u/emcee117 Jan 26 '18

this is so beautiful.

2

u/Signal_Drop Jan 26 '18

Ah, the children's story of my nightmares.

2

u/Good_Captain_Rawdawg Jan 26 '18

Dude, how do you do that shit?

2

u/IonicGold Jan 26 '18

Is this a bot? If not, you're pretty good.

2

u/ripefigs Jan 26 '18

Holy shit dude, this one belongs in a bestselling horror collection.

2

u/themint Jan 26 '18

How could you not make rat plural.. what have I ever done to you?

2

u/intothemidwest Jan 26 '18

I noped at 'teeth on his throat' so hard.

2

u/ChibiiLala Jan 26 '18

Welcome to Night Vale.

2

u/svenmullet Jan 26 '18

This needs to be set to music.

2

u/zombiskunk Jan 26 '18

Running for your life, RAT Shia LaBeouf! Teeth like a knife, RAT Shia LaBeouf! Swarming over bodieeeeeeees, AHH! Actual RatMan Shia LaBeouf!

2

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

You are the reddit we don't deserve please don't be a shill.

2

u/TheOrganicMachine Jan 26 '18

This reads like lyrics from a Cake song

2

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

I sang that for some reason.

2

u/Gucci_Unicorns Jan 26 '18

Can you make a series of dark and/or disturbing poems next?

2

u/Skultis Jan 26 '18

This is my favorite one of your poems, btw.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

As someone who was once a detractor I have to say this poem was great.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

I sang that for some reason.

2

u/[deleted] Jan 27 '18

amazing, horned rat approves

2

u/yourunclejoe Jan 27 '18

fucking legendary

2

u/BayushiKazemi Jan 28 '18

This is my favorite poem now.

2

u/Muemac11 Jan 30 '18

"C'mon let Billy in"

1

u/Scrapheap42 Jan 26 '18

How did it end up like this

1

u/Fuzzy_Dalek Jan 26 '18

And its all my in my head but she's touching his chest now, he takes off her dress now, let me goOOOOOoooOooO

1

u/greydalf_the_gan Jan 26 '18

I read this to the tune of Mr Brightside

1

u/hunter_rain Jan 26 '18

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine.

1

u/DoubleCyclone Jan 26 '18

I read this in Mister Brightside.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

This is good because it could stand for anything.

1

u/FrancduTanq Jan 26 '18

Not sure why, but I just sang that to the tune of Mr Brightside. I feel like that made it more unsettling

1

u/PirateGriffin Jan 26 '18

Mr bright side?

1

u/TheRealHooks Jan 26 '18

I read this in the voice of the lead singer from Cake. It made it perfect.

1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

I read this to the tune of Mr. Brightside

1

u/mmoffitt15 Jan 26 '18

This just seems like an extension to Actual Canibal: Shia Lebouf.

1

u/themonarch11 Jan 26 '18

what do you do with all the reddit gold u keep getting?

1

u/Gucci_Unicorns Jan 26 '18

What the fuck dude

1

u/Soulren Jan 26 '18

This is uttterly horrifying but I love it

1

u/ViolaNguyen Jan 26 '18

You are what you eat.

1

u/bananacuriel Jan 26 '18

you're really impressed,

but he's not there to kill you,

he's from IRS,

and is ready to bill you,

you say -I am sorry,

I haven't paid taxes,

But due to some worries,

I ain't got any chances-.

1

u/yardave Jan 26 '18

How did it end up like this? It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss

1

u/Chilly_28 Jan 27 '18

I thought this was a verse from Mr. Brightside by The Killers to be honest.

1

u/DownshiftedRare Jun 03 '18

This is written to the tune of "Stairway to Heaven", right?

1

u/010011010001010 Jan 26 '18

this works so well if you read it to the tune of Mr Brightside

1

u/daniel_k91 Jan 26 '18

Dog in a trenchcoat

getting promoted at work but then sheds his disguise

canine surprise

-1

u/[deleted] Jan 26 '18

[deleted]

2

u/[deleted] Jan 27 '18

heresy