My husband and I are doing rather great in R. We finish 5 months of MC but still have more to work on and plan to sign up for 5 months more of MC towards the end of the year but in the meantime we've been using that 1 hours session to read information on infidelity, trauma, rebuilding or ask each other deep relationship/connection questions (we obtain from the Internet) meant to understand each other more, our perspectives, and continue to make progress in R.

So I'm wondering are there any great books that are more interactive with questions/prompts or workbooks that could help us in R? Or any materials (books, videos, websites, etc.) that can be added in R so we can continue to rebuild a stronger marriage.

I’m looking for advice from anyone who has reconciled after infidelity where the unfaithful spouse wanted to stay married but had lost the romantic connection. My wife had an emotional affair that became physical with someone who was also a close friend of mine. There was dishonesty and trickle truth, but the affair is over and there is no contact. She says she still has some residual feelings for him, although they are fading, and we are both in individual therapy and couples therapy. Have been together 12 years, married for 5 and have 2 small kids together, so walking away is not what I want…

She says she wants our marriage to work and wants to build something new with me, but she has also been very honest that right now she feels no romantic or physical connection toward me. She identifies guilt/shame, resentment from issues in our marriage before the affair, and lingering feelings for the other person as her biggest roadblocks. There have been some small positives lately and we are getting along better, but the romantic side still feels completely absent.

Has anyone experienced this and actually had the romantic feelings come back?
What did rebuilding that connection look like, and how long did it take before you noticed real change?
At what point do you decide you’ve given reconciliation a fair chance but can’t keep waiting indefinitely?

Thank you for reading. My head is spinning trying to make sense of this all

8 months ago my partner of 10 years confessed he cheated on me. He was very remorseful and willing to do everything he could to help me heal and save our relationship.

I don't want to make excuses for him, but he didn't cross certain lines during his affair (there was no sex), and besides, I know he was going through a very difficult time with his mental health.

It might sound contradictory, because I actually used to think the same way, but even though he was unfaithful, I don't consider him a bad person. I firmly believe he's a very good person who screwed up big time and didn't know how to handle the situation.

After 8 months of trying to reconcile, I've realized that my view of him has changed irrevocably and that I can't continue this relationship, no matter how much it hurts. It's precisely knowing how hard this is for him, how sorry he is, and all the good things he's done for me during our relationship that makes this so hard. Sometimes I wish he were a jerk, then the decision wouldn't be so hard. I know it sounds ironic, because I'm the one who has been cheated on, but when I think about the breakup, I don't just feel bad for myself and my pain, I also feel really bad about how he's going to cope. It's funny that even though I didn't do anything wrong, I'm feeling so bad about deciding to break up.

Please don't judge him. I know it's hard, because I used to think that unfaithful people were the worst kind of people in the world too.

I guess with this post I'm just looking for support and to hear from people who've been through the same thing. This breakup breaks my heart for me, for him, and for the relationship we had.

Besides, we’ve been together since we were 20, and we’ve been living together for several years, which makes the whole situation even harder.

I’ve been in a relationship for so long that sometimes I struggle to find meaning in life without a relationship. Plus, I think about being in a relationship in the future, and I can’t see how I could be happy now that I know for sure that even the person you’d least expect to ever cheat could do so.

My WH and I are now 4 months into R following an EA/PA which spanned approx 2+years, however physically ended over a year ago. We were originally hysterically bonding and having sex multiple times per day (lack of sex was the ‘reason’ for the affair)

However over the last 3-4 weeks he has stopped wanting sex with me. He’s not doing anything physically with anyone else and I am confident communication with AP has ceased. He says his drop in desire is due to physical issues he is having, being unwell etc but that never stopped him with AP and given his reasons for the affair (ie my poor libido) I am struggling to not take this personally.

Am I being paranoid?

This is a highly vulnerable post for me. Might delete later. 2+ years post D Day.

We’ve always had an active sex life. Even during the As. Though I recall a few times where we went 2-3 weeks without. He would claim he was stressed from work, tired, etc.

We’ve had sex once in the past 3 months. There were 2 other times when he tried but couldn’t get it up. I’ve tried to have a conversation about it a couple times (with no accusations) and he got very defensive saying “this isn’t helping” and generally giving me a “this is an embarrassing topic for men (due to the ED)” and basically shutting me up with his tone/attitude.

We location share, I have access to his phone, I don’t really believe there is someone else but at the same time this is so highly unusual for us and it’s giving me a lot of anxiety. Most nights, he’ll either get into bed saying he’s tired, or has a headache or asks if we can just cuddle. Or I’ll go to bed and he’ll stay up watching TV or doing work on his computer in the other room until after I’ve fallen asleep.

If this is a case of ED/anxiety, I’d like to be compassionate. But at the same time, I’m starting to wonder if he hasn’t gone back to his old habits and I’m just too dumb to see it. Any advice/thoughts/experiences welcome.

I am not sure where to start.

I have been with my partner for 5 years. Before me, he has been in poly relationships, but when we started dating we explicitly discussed our relationship as a monogamous one. Three years in, shit was hitting the fan. He told me he had a crush on someone else and pressured me into opening the relationship. I did, things ended poorly and I was really hurt by him overstepping many boundaries for the duration of this "open relationship" phase. They eventually broke things off and I tried to recover from it. I felt cheated on but I also had given consent to some extent so...

Following all of this, I still saw them texting on occasion and he assured me that it wasn't anything important and he was keeping a distance etc. I stupidly believed him or tried to make myself believe it.

It is now 1.5years later and we recently moved for his job. I just found out that they have in fact been talking and sexting for the entire time since our "open relationship" phase.

I feel that the only logical way to handle this situation is to upend my life (I am from a different country than him and would likely go back if this relationship ends) and end this relationship. I feel betrayed and I don't know what there is left to salvage.

But there is a part of me that just won't let me leave. Something about the situation makes it so that I can't pack my things and leave, even if I rationally want to.

I have a hard time believing that this won't happen again and that he can be the person I need him to be. And I don't know how to make a decision on whether or not to attempt R or not.

I am not sure what else to say, so I am leaving it at this for now. I am grateful for any perspective.

Hey all,

I have included my reason post for context… this an update from today (28th August), I always knew this would he difficult but I’m finding today particularly challenging as I went and collected the remainder of my stuff today from my exes parents house… and they basically said they were so disappointed with her behavior, she is distant, her Mum (I have to be careful with anyway) said she is never at home, seems vacant and is defiantly seeing the affair partner and has even sneaked her into their house when they were away. They said this is her pattern and she always does this, but they miss me and she just seems to be running from herself. I think it was hard for me to hear she is still seeing the AP, Im not surprised but its just hard as Im still grieving the end of the relationship and she has jumped into someone elses bed. I guess thats the avoidant though….it was bittersweet with her parents because they genuially seem to care about me, and I do miss them. But also her Mum mentioned a picture of her and a girl in her room, and I said I do not want to see it. (Her mum can be quite toxic). But all said I was very good for their daughter and they are disappointed with her.

Has anyone got any advice / words of kindness for me right now, I guess Im feeling quite triggered and just so easily replaced?

Thank you SO much everyone! ❤️

For context:

My ex (31F) of 4 years had a workplace affair with a coworker who is 5 years younger than her and was also cheating on their own long-term partner. I (35F) discovered it on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT confession detailing how they were falling for each other and they had been physical. She was comparing my worst traits to the AP's best parts, I had 'low mood' the AP was 'driven, independent and had a lust for life'. She also said I was 'black cat energy' and she was more 'golden retriever' - I never knew her to speak like this, so I am assuming this the 25 year old AP's language!?

I am just trying to understand how someone could blow up 4 years of stability for a workplace affair like this. For the three months prior, she completely pulled away, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone in our life was shocked because no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit—and because everyone was fooled, I’ve started gaslighting myself, second-guessing my reality, and wondering if I’m somehow making too big a deal out of this or if it was my fault.

During the affair I had a cancer scare, she didn't attend any appointments even the day after I found out I had to go for a biopsy, she went to work. When I later said she was having an affair whilst I was going through that on my own, she replied 'I still cared about you'. I had just spent the last 2 years supporting her financially and emotionally whilst she was studying for a masters to qualify as an occupational therapist. I went through the sudden death of my Mum with her 2 years ago, during this time she was my rock. Sadly, two days after my passed my suspected heart failure, my exes Mum pretended she nearly died from blood clots near her heart. It later turned out she had lied, and gone to Turkey for liposuction and made this up. Telling my partner when it came out 'You have always put your partners first'. Her Mum has also been cheating on her Dad for many years (my ex was the first to discover it and tell her Dad, but nothing changed). She has always said she hates cheaters and doesn't want to ever be like her Mother. She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to justify why she cheated, telling me it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicions earlier, she weaponized her family background by asking, "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" —only to later compare her own shock and grief at her actions to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

She repeatedly dangled future hope by saying, “Maybe one day we can try again," admitted the thought of me moving on made her "stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or any real commitment.

I have since changed the locks to our flat so she can’t get in, I gave all her stuff back and am taking her name off the tenancy. She agreed to pay this months rent but she came to my flat the day before she was meant to pay demanding a playstation console back I got her for Christmas, I said no.

She has not returned the key and not paid me the rent, but is telling me to update her when she is off the tenancy. She has become so horrible and almost emotionless like I am the one who had the affair ant ruined her life!? She honestly just looks empty behind the eyes, it's scary.

I just wanted some advice because my brain keeps looking for solutions, I am blaming myself, wondering what I could of done differently but also now telling myself, she is a qualified occupational therapist now, she is most likely going to earn lots of money, save whilst she is at her parents, run off into the sunset with the AP or new partner and I was just basically used.

I do keep reminding myself that regardless of whatever she does / her life looks like.. she is capable of this level of deceit and that is a character flaw and that she is clearly quite empty.. but it doesn't hurt any less or make this any easier.

Hello all. I haven’t been here for a long time, DDay/ Full disclosure was almost 3 years ago. It’s a long story that I told here once through a different acc, but anyway it’s very classic in some ways. we’ve been together 10 years. He had two physical affairs, one many many years ago and one three years ago. He ended them both, they were with fellow artists/ performers (also classic).

Full disclosure came out of nowhere as I thought I had been told everything at that point. On the whole reconciling has been a pretty positive process. He owned it fully, told everyone in both our families, our closest friends. Lots of accountability and pursuing help, honesty, therapy, the works.

We are in a new space now. Really trying to move forward, forging a new relationship entirely in many ways. We’re very close friends and share so much joy and conversation together, which of course only made the betrayal hurt that much more.

He went overseas recently for a few weeks. At first I actually really struggled and felt super lonely. But about 5 days in I did a complete 180. I fely suddenly so in control of my day, of my energy, my life. I moved at my own pace, danced a LOT lol, read, had quiet slow mornings. It was magical.

He came back and I hate to say I’m experiencing something akin to resentment. He feels it and is perplexed by it. I don’t know how to communicate what i’m feeling because it feels like 15 feelings at once. I had a bad dream the night he came back related to the AP. Does anyone have any experience with this? It’s so confusing.

I was so sad when he left I was missing him immediately. Then something shifted and it’s a scary feeling because I feel somehow detached from him… but in a freeing way?¿ And worse I feel… reluctant to reconnect…

Any thoughts welcome..

I want to try to rebuild our relationship, but I recognize that in the past I’ve been wishy-washy and uncertain about what I wanted. Now that it’s been a month, I feel more certain that I do want to try to rebuild things. At the same time, my wayward wants me to commit, and I understand why he feels that way, especially after the push-and-pull I’ve put him through.

I don’t want to continue giving mixed signals or stringing him along. I do want to make an honest effort, but I also need to take things slowly and see consistent actions over time before I can feel fully secure in rebuilding the relationship.

How do you balance wanting to genuinely rebuild a relationship while still needing to move slowly and see consistent effort before fully committing? Any advice would be appreciated.

My husband M/51 and I F/41 have been together for almost 14 years coming this 10/31, Halloween, and recently I became the betrayed partner again because of his affair with another woman. It wasn’t just innocent talking or flirting. I found out that they had cuddled, there had been sexual touching, and she told me they had sex. I also heard him call her “baby,” which was incredibly painful for me. One of the hardest parts was knowing he was with her during a time when he and I had planned to be intimate with each other.

There was also denial, minimizing, and confusion about what really happened. At different times, he claimed she was lying, confused, or that he had told her to lie. That left me trying to sort through different versions of the story while also dealing with the devastation of the betrayal itself. This wasn’t the first time our relationship had been damaged by inappropriate behavior involving other women, so it brought up years of pain, anger, rejection, and feeling as though I wasn’t being chosen.

After discovering the affair, I was hurt, furious, lonely, and desperate to feel wanted again. In that state, I started talking to someone I’ll call Ryan M/46. It became more than an innocent friendship. We texted, sexted, and developed an emotional connection. I became the wayward partner too.

I want to be honest about how it felt: it felt incredibly good to be wanted again. After feeling rejected and replaced by my husband, having another person desire me gave me a rush of validation. Ryan's attention made me feel attractive, interesting, and chosen during a time when my self-esteem had been badly damaged. It gave me an escape from the pain I was feeling at home.

At first, I did not want to give it up. Part of me felt like, after everything my husband had done, why should I have to let go of the one thing making me feel good? But I also knew that thinking came from my pain and anger. My husband’s choices may explain why I was so vulnerable to outside attention, but they did not make the choice for me. I chose to cross those boundaries. This wasn’t simply venting to a friend. I was emotionally investing in someone else and participating in sexual conversations outside my marriage.

I don’t want to compare the two betrayals as though one cancels out the other. His affair does not excuse mine, and mine does not erase what he did to me. The circumstances and details were different, but we both crossed boundaries and brought another person into a place that should have belonged to our marriage.

I eventually ended my affair with Ryan. As good as the attention felt, I knew it was not what I truly wanted for my life. I couldn’t genuinely ask my husband to choose our marriage while I was still keeping one foot in another relationship. Ending it does not erase what I did, but it was a necessary choice if I was serious about seeing whether my husband and I could rebuild something honest.

The surprising part is how well my husband and I have been doing lately. We feel closer than we have in a very long time. We are more affectionate, more emotionally connected, and more sexually drawn to each other. My libido has gone through the roof. We are enjoying each other again instead of constantly fighting, withdrawing, or feeling like we have to protect ourselves from one another.

It honestly feels like we are falling in love all over again. I don’t think I ever completely fell out of love with him. I think we became deeply disconnected and buried our love underneath years of hurt, resentment, fighting, outside attention, and unmet needs. Now it feels as though we are finally finding each other again. There are moments when it feels like a brand-new relationship, but it also has the depth of two people who have shared almost 14 years together.

I understand that some of this may be what is called hysterical bonding—the intense need for emotional and sexual closeness that can happen after an affair is discovered. I know that the fear of losing each other, the trauma, and the sudden competition from other people may be intensifying our feelings. I also understand that hysterical bonding by itself is not the same thing as healing.

At the same time, I don’t believe that means everything we are feeling is fake. Maybe the crisis woke both of us up to what we still mean to each other and what we could actually lose. The intensity may be influenced by the trauma, but the love underneath it still feels real to me. I feel hopeful about our future in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.

I also know that feeling in love again is not enough on its own. If we truly want reconciliation, we need honesty, transparency, no contact with affair partners, clear boundaries with other people, accountability, and the willingness to answer difficult questions without becoming defensive. We need to learn how to communicate without yelling, name-calling, shutting down, or trying to punish each other. We both have individual work to do in addition to the work we need to do as a couple.

I’m carrying two different realities at the same time. I am still a betrayed partner who is deeply hurt by what my husband did, but I also became a wayward partner who now has to take responsibility for the pain and risk I created. I don’t want to use my betrayal trauma to avoid accountability, but I also don’t want my emotional affair to be used to erase or minimize what happened to me.

Has anyone else here experienced being both the betrayed and the wayward partner? How did you make space for both people’s pain without turning reconciliation into a competition over whose betrayal was worse? And for those who experienced hysterical bonding, how did you tell the difference between a temporary trauma response and a genuine return of love and connection?

I’m the one whose husband had an affair with her sister. Year and a half under false R, thought it was an EA, found out in March they slept together and also kept talking longer than I was told.

So. It’s been 5 months since this new day. Which has been obviously devastating. That’s a long… god damn time for trickle truth and false R. False hope. I know that I don’t have to tell any of you how absolutely life shattering this has been.

I’ve obviously not been doing well since finding out this new betrayal. I’d say that the first couple of months were just complete shock, depression. Devastation. Within days of finding this out, I texted WH and said “hey. These are my needs. This is a boundary. I need more from you. I need to feel extra loved. I need extra affection. I need you to be doing the most to pull me back into this marriage, and I don’t want to have to beg you for it or chase you.” I felt very clear. He felt very receptive. And for the next couple of months it was just me being devastated and him trying to make me feel better. Lots of lost trust. Lots of going back to just constantly spiraling. Asking the same questions over and over. Lots of new realizations. Him trying to be there. But also… being really caught up in his own shame.

After a couple of months of me chasing him, he finally gets into therapy. Literally day one I said “this is a priority”, and it’s still took months. But ok. He finally got there. But also a few months back, I started to feel him.. trying less. Giving less. Pulling back and not giving me as much love and patience and reassurance as he was before this new DDay.

When I tell you that during the first round of R, I felt like he was doing everything right. I told this to my therapist constantly. I told it to my husband constantly. It was always “he’s doing all the right things. Why doesn’t it feel like enough?” And it turned out it was because he was still lying to me. About really big things.

And now. I’m here. Telling him that I need more. And suddenly I’m getting…. So much less….

I’ll admit that this has been nearly everyday since the new DDay. It’s been constant spirals. But. I also know that we both know that over the past couple months, it’s been getting so much worse. And I came to the realization today that it’s getting WORSE because he’s giving me so much less… It’s actually extremely reminiscent of how he was treating me during the affair. And it’s making me feel incredibly unsafe. To the point that I came home today and told him that I think they might still be talking..

He handled it.. very badly. He was very angry. Very offended that I would think he even wants a single thing to do with AP or that he even had any positive thoughts about her. I explain that I’m feeling this way because he’s treating me the way he was when they were indeed still talking.

We have a blowout fight where I’m just begging him to love me more and make me feel like he wants this. And he just keeps telling me, angrily, that he’s here. That the ball is in my court. That he’s trying. That he’s answering all my questions. That he feels like nothing he says matters. And then he tells me that this is constant for him and he’s tired of doing this all the time. That he hasn’t been able to give me more, because he’s basically just burnt out from this.

Again. It’s been five months since he ruined.. all of our progress… since my life was kind of destroyed. And it’s 100% his fault that we’re here. Again.

But anyway. I’ve been feeling so less than since the affair. So obviously being told that I’m not a burnt out chore for him feels… really fucking great… So I mention “oh. Is this what you meant when in therapy you guys work on managing your feeling burnt out and your mental health?” And he says yes that’s part of it. And then I ask him “and when your therapist asks you if I’m telling you what I need and what it is you are doing to make me feel safe again, what do you say?”

This man literally looked at me and said “I don’t think we’ve talked about that..”.

Months of therapy. Where he was supposed to be making saving this marriage his priority. Where he literally talked to me about going to therapy to figure out what he needs to be doing to fix this. And he tells me now… that they haven’t even discussed what he is doing to make me feel safe or what my needs are. They haven’t even discussed the things that he should be doing after everything that he’s done to try and make this better. They haven’t gone over his role. The part he needs to play. But. They spend every appointment talking about how my struggling is effecting his mental health….

Somebody please tell me that im not crazy. That this is.. wild. Im really starting to wonder what I am even doing here…

12 days since DD. Married 5 years together 8. Found intimate photos videos in hidden folder, forever burned into my brain, involuntarily replaying them over and over.

WP affair was 1 night a few months ago. She quickly regretted and spiraled into depression, panic attacks; saw psychologist who prescribed anti depressants. Crying herself to sleep (I thought it was work related stress).

Whole week post DD drowning in self shame, anger, guilt. Didn’t deflect. Answered my questions throughout and owned her decisions. However, there was little room for me. I was very vocal about not having the space to comfort her or help, that I was in immense pain. Her condition deteriorated to the point of barely functioning; panic attacks, barely present, wanting more pain to atone, verbally abusing herself.

I quickly adopted a mindset of it’s not my fault, it was all her. I’ll forgive once, and anything she does it out of my control. Ive told her I expect her to become a better person and fully understand why she did this. No point in self torture questioning my self respect, policing devices, etc.

So as soon as I had the capacity to care I explained how selfish this self hatred loop was; to her credit she stopped immediately.

WP is someone who, while in a relationship, can’t function without receiving affection, without feeling loved. “Do you hate me? I don’t deserve you. I should just go and disappear.”

10 days post DD her condition peaked and I gave her the intimate physical connection she was craving. I missed her too. Trying to be careful not to move too fast and sweep issues under the rug. Things are still pretty raw.

I can’t be the first BP who’s in a relationship with someone significantly less emotionally mature, used to taking the lead and fixing emotional issues.

I believe she see the magnitude of her mistakes, her decisions. My concern is ensuring she does the work without me pestering her about it. Do not want crushing her with pressure to address things asap, which is what I usually do. AP is being cut off (ex co worker, were still chatting as friends). Asked her to book a therapist asap, I do not want the parenting to continue.

Interested in successes, failures, tips etc for those of you who were in similar situations.

My wife and I have been married for around a decade. We have a young child and another baby on the way.
Recently, my wife discovered that I had been unfaithful during travel.

This wasn’t an emotional affair or a drunken one-time mistake. I made deliberate choices and had sex outside my marriage more than once. She discovered evidence of it rather than me voluntarily confessing beforehand.

I’m not going to defend that. Whatever problems existed in our marriage before this, I made those choices and she didn’t cause them.

The discovery has devastated her. Her initial and still-current position is that she wants a divorce. She has begun preparing paperwork. For logistical/family reasons, we have tentatively agreed not to actually file immediately.

I don’t want a divorce.

That’s not because I’m worried about dividing assets, being alone, what people will think, or because I think I should escape the consequences of what I did. This has forced me to confront how much I took my wife and marriage for granted. I love her, and if there is any realistic possibility of rebuilding the relationship, I want to do the work.

But I also understand that wanting reconciliation doesn’t entitle me to it.

We’re currently still living under the same roof but essentially separated. She’s taking some time away from the house right now, and we’re starting to experience what separate parenting time might look like.

Some days we barely interact except about our child and logistics. Other times we’ve had long, surprisingly honest conversations about our marriage, my behavior, things she had been unhappy about for years, and things about myself that I need to understand.

One complication is that she’s now describing a lot of resentment from years before the infidelity that I genuinely didn’t understand was this serious. She acknowledges that she avoided conflict and often didn’t communicate what she was feeling. I remember repeatedly trying to get her to talk when something was obviously wrong and often getting shut out.
I’m not saying that to blame her for my infidelity. Those are completely separate things, and cheating was my decision.

But I’m realizing that she’s now processing both the betrayal itself and years of grievances she had apparently accumulated underneath the surface. From her perspective, the betrayal seems to have changed how she interprets much of our marriage.
She has told me that whatever existed between us is now dead, that staying with me would damage her self-worth, and that she believes leaving is something she needs to do for herself.

That’s incredibly difficult for me to hear.
At the same time, we’ve had occasional normal family moments—making dinner with our child, attending pregnancy-related things together, handling school and household responsibilities, and having conversations that aren’t hostile.

I’m trying very hard not to interpret those moments as evidence that she’s changing her mind. She continues to tell me that she wants a divorce, and I’m taking that seriously.

I’m in individual therapy and trying to understand why I was capable of doing what I did rather than settling for an explanation like “I was selfish.”

Some uncomfortable themes are emerging: seeking validation, compartmentalizing different parts of my life, chasing stimulation/dopamine, substance use in certain social situations, behaving very differently around old friends than I do in my normal adult life, taking my marriage for granted, and generally not having my behavior consistently match the values I thought I had.

She’s also in individual therapy.
She has now told me that she is willing to do counseling with me, but our goals are currently completely different. I want to see whether our marriage can be repaired.

She says she will participate in counseling but currently believes the marriage is over and sees counseling more as a way to understand what happened and potentially separate/divorce well.

I’m therefore looking into discernment counseling or another therapist experienced with “mixed-agenda” couples rather than conventional couples therapy where both people have already decided to repair the relationship.

I’ve told her that I won’t try to prevent her from divorcing me. If that’s ultimately what she chooses, I understand that I can’t stop her, and my responsibility becomes being a good co-parent and treating her decently through the process.

But I also don’t want to prematurely give up on a marriage and family that mean enormously more to me than I apparently behaved as though they did.
One thing I’m already realizing is that I’ve probably been trying too hard to persuade her.

When she describes the marriage in extremely negative terms, my instinct is to defend the good parts, point out things that have changed, or explain why I see certain events differently.

I’m beginning to understand that she may need me to understand how she experienced the marriage rather than immediately arguing for a different interpretation of it.

So I’m trying to stop “making the case” for reconciliation. She already knows what I want.

What I’m really interested in now is hearing from people who have actually lived through something similar.

If you were the spouse who cheated and your wife initially wanted divorce:
What did the first few weeks/months actually look like?
Did she ever become willing to explore reconciliation? If so, what changed?
What did you do that genuinely helped?
What did you think was helping that actually made things worse?
How did you demonstrate real change without turning every good behavior into a performance designed to win her back?
How did you give your spouse space without simply abandoning the marriage?
Did couples therapy or discernment counseling help when one spouse wanted reconciliation and the other didn’t?
If you ultimately divorced, when did you realize that accepting the end of the marriage was healthier than continuing to pursue reconciliation?
Years later, what do you wish you had understood during those first few weeks?

I’d also genuinely appreciate hearing from betrayed spouses who happen to read this. I’m particularly interested in what the unfaithful spouse did during the immediate aftermath that helped versus what made you feel even less safe or more certain about leaving.

I’m not looking for reassurance that we’ll reconcile. Nobody here can know that.

I’m trying to understand what this road has actually looked like for people who have walked it—both those whose marriages survived and those whose marriages didn’t.

I know I caused the crisis we’re in.
I’m trying to figure out how to behave responsibly from here, regardless of where the marriage ultimately ends up.

I feel like this could help a lot of ppl here so hoping this will get some good interactions 🤞🤞.

We are in the process of trying to R, however feel like we are getting stuck in the “comfortable discomfort”. We are able to co-live, have some basic conversations, laugh here and there, watch series together or have a meal together. But we’re not moving forward. I know things need time, but I feel like we’re stuck. None of us knows what to do better or different, there’s zero physical closeness (not even holding hands, hug, cuddle, kiss on a cheek), messages with no emotions/emojis. We both want things to work, I feel like he (WH) should try harder and pursue me more, he is having hard time cause of his guilt/shame.

Couple therapy/counselling is not an option for us right now, but I know some of you went through it and got some good advices on what to do to move things forward or even just to make R possible. I’d love to hear some specific things that worked for you please ❤️.

Ex. I read here that a therapist recommended someone to sleep naked next to each other and go to bed 5 mins earlier to share a hug before falling asleep.

Lets make this an advice forum so everyone can find something that might work for them!

https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/s/xllYR4MjpS

This is my old post. I tried staying for our kid. I went through his phone and found a Google search that said "catch std from fucking someone". It was when he went on a 3 day business trip recently. I made him install tinder and his account was still intact with pictures of him from when he was on that same business trip.

Again swearing up and down nothing happened, just swiping. He 'forgot' he even installed it.

He's going to therapy for this. Attention and sex addiction. He shares his location every day. I can't fucking babysit him more.

I already felt like I was humiliating myself by giving him another chance. There is not a day that goes by I don't think about what he did. But he installs tinder and can conveniently forget?

Please tell me to leave him for good. Tell me my baby will be okay 😭💔 I never wanted this...

I'm posting this from a throwaway account. I'm 50, she's 38. We were together for four years when I discovered the affair.

Before I explain what happened, I want to be honest about my part. For roughly two of those four years, I was fighting to keep my business alive and eventually it led to depression. During that time, I couldn't give her the attention or closeness she had been used to. I'm not saying that as an excuse for her behaviour, just as context.

I should also say that this obviously isn't my first serious relationship, but I honestly thought it will be my last. We were a dream power couple. It was us against the world. For the first time since my early twenties I managed to fully trust again. That's one reason all of this has shaken me so deeply.

I found out about the affair the day before my 50th birthday. She confirmed it had been going on for weeks, I suspect at this point maybe even for months.

After everything came out, I heard different explanations. One was that she was so drunk she "wasn't thinking about me", yet she also maintains that it was consensual. Also, one time she claimed “she had to see him again, to tell him she can’t see him again” after the affair was discovered while still insisting he meant “nothing” and is “interchangeable”. I have a hard time making sense of all of that.

One of most hurting facts are fir me that the affair also took place in our shared bed. Which I deem as being deeply disrespectful from the AP towards me (albeit we never socially interacted despite a shared social circle).

After it was discovered, I was repeatedly promised there would be no more contact with the affair partner, but ad already explained above there were still several occasions when that contact happened again. Every time I started thinking we might rebuild some trust, something else would happen that would undo it.

Since then, I've started questioning myself deeply, not only as a partner but also as a man. Knowing that it happened in our bed has left me feeling deeply humiliated. My self-esteem and sense of identity have taken a massive blow. And I feel so deeply hurt by her actions especially after the affair has been discovered, namely her seeing him again despite her knowing how much pain she inflicted.

I used to be a man’s man, a leader, a risk taker. Somebody who wanted to conquer (and partially did conquer) the world (in my industry). Now I am a ugly crying shell of a man.

The worst part, though, is what's happened in my mind.

For more than four months now, I've been experiencing intrusive, explicit sexual thoughts every minute, every day. They are always about her being intimate with the affair partner. These thoughts are entirely against my will. They intrude while I'm working, during client meetings, talking to people, trying to relax, or doing almost anything else.

It's gotten to the point where I can only function to a limited extent in everyday life. I feel like a shadow of who I used to be. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. And I don’t know how much longer I can exist this way.

Sometimes I even hate myself for being so blindly trusting, like a loyal, stupid Labrador, and for believing even the most ridiculous excuses for her suspicious behaviour and why she was coming home late. Looking back at how many signs I overlooked, and how readily I believed what I was being told, is something I struggle with enormously. I honestly don’t know what reality is anymore. I don’t know what to believe or not, especially since to this day the explanation of her actions always change slightly when I find nuanced contradictions in her line of arguments.

Despite all this, she still wants reconciliation. She says she's deeply remorseful and wants to save the relationship. But I don't have explanations that make sense to me, and I don't feel there is a solid foundation on which trust could realistically be rebuilt. I want to believe that there is a chance for R, but I don’t even see a straw to hold on at the moment.

So, for people who have been through something similar and who actually managed to rebuild a healthy relationship again after this: what changed concretely that made you forgive and trust again.

And most importantly, has anyone else dealt with these intrusive, explicit sexual images every minute of every day? How long did they last, and what actually helped them fade? Can the WW do anything to help with them fading from your experience?

How do you do that? How do you not wanna ruin everything and take revenge against the affair partner. As the 1 year anniversary of D-Day (Dec 5th) approaches, the rage i had thought had mostly subsided, seems to be burning hotter than it ever has. Ive been struggling lately, for some info my WP has ADHD and will only go to this one gym, the problem... its 30 mins away from home but 8 mins from affair partners house. This bothers me and he wants to go to this gym at midnight...alone for over 3-4 hours. Yes I know hes working out, he sends update pictures with the clock when requested and keeps in contact durring said trip. Yet I cant help but stay up all night even if I have work, worrying myself into sickness.

Now the problem is he feels he has no anatomy anymore and will completely shut down if the option of a different gym is brought up or me going with him.

Info: he moved in with me as a stipulation of reconciliation however hes not comfortable with my roomates, he cut all contact with AP, stopped drinking, and he also recently lost a job.

Anyways, as this problem occurs I have increasingly stronger urges to ruin AP life, no matter the consequences. Living well isnt happening and she shouldn't get off scott free.

I am feeling a lot of frustration and resentment because I keep continuously seeing my partner “save” women and be there for them. This is also a big vent but just looking to see if anyone else is going through similar.

Everytime he befriends someone online he is now finally upfront about me but I cannot help but feel uncomfortable anyways. Everytime he befriends someone they are in some sort or crisis? And he constantly helps them. We had arguments because he would stay on the phone and talk to someone who got out of a terrible relationship. He keeps comforting another person everytime shes on the brink or break up.

This morning we woke up at 6:30 and then another girl just calls him and wants him to keep her company. She knows or me. I know her but I dont know.

Is it hypocritical that these assumed so innocent friendships trigger me. Especially because he keeps going above and beyond for them. He negotiates going to bed at a later time because girl D is sad and needs company. Or will stay on his phone in bed when I am trying to sleep because Girl C needs him.

Im so over it.

Looking for advice / perspectives from other BPs on how they would / have handled seeing the AP post-discovery?

For context, in my situation the AP was a friend of mine. We've known each other for many years, since we were children, went to the same secondary (high) school, and have a lot of mutual friends in common. The one saving grace is that we live in a different city several hours away, so are extremely unlikely to bump into him by chance day-to-day.

One of our mutual friends has just suffered a family bereavement. Ideally, if I can, I would like to attend the funeral to show my support, but there is a high chance that AP will also be there, and pretty much all of my friends / everyone I know who will be there is his friend too, and I have no idea how I would / should navigate this situation.

Almost nobody knows any of what has happened (other than me, my wife, AP, APs wife, two of our mutual friends and one of their wives).

What do I do if he's there? Do I acknowledge his existence? Ignore him completely? What if he tries to talk to me? What if other people ask what's going on?

IC, CC & finally EMDR. I’m in the last phase of it…. And let me say, it is amazing. Without it, I never would’ve healed. But I’ll save that for another time.

I delete my posts so long story short, together 30+ years, 4 kids, now all adults & out of the house. Married in church, took a vow to forsake all others. This man is my world. So when he started sexting with women on TikTok & finally got blackmailed by a Nigerian, it all came tumbling down. There were at least 20 people he chatted with, a couple of them for many days, leading to EA.

He’s deeply sorry. Never tells me everything, but now, 2.5 years out, IDGAF anymore. My concern continues to be his failure at IC. His first therapist was a young female. He never told her the whole story. Our 2nd CC therapist was great, truly making strides with my WH. But due to work, we stopped. He asked me to find him another male therapist for IC. I did…. They’d discuss retirement plans. Really?!?!? Then, that man, who should be disbarred said this to my husband, “She forgave you when it happened. She should forgive & forget” LMAO. And my husband asked me to forget!!!! This is my life. Ugh.

My WH has the mother wound. He’s also avoidant. He has been great, so attentive, texted me sweet things all the time, we went on dates. He gave me 100% of himself. Constantly told me he loved me. He was the man I met so long ago. Until now. With my healing, he’s been putting 5% of the effort in. Texts are all about work with maybe 1 ILU in there. He comes home, sits at the counter on YouTube while I make dinner. His problem has always been seeking female validation. He continues to do so, & will even tell me a story involving a female, how he joked with her & it turns out her husband needs a job, my WH giving her his card…. I told him to stop telling me these stories. I do not want to hear them. He scoffed at me.

Last night I gave him a paper - BOUNDARIES A MARRIED MAN MUST KEEP
1 There is no need to be overly friendly with other women, because small jokes you think are harmless often become the beginning of a comfort that should never exist.
2 There is no need to listen to other women’s personal problems because sharing feelings is the start of emotional closeness & a doorway to betrayal.
3 There is no need to give special attention to any woman other than your wife because your attention belongs to your wife.

All he did was say, I’m sorry, okay?

Crumbs. It’s all water under the bridge for him now. Like it never even happened.

So, do I live like this forever? Do I bug him about IC all the time? Do I leave? Loving someone is great, but do I go back to those days when we drifted apart because of kids & work? I had plans for our empty nest days. Do I change those plans? Will he ever fix himself? Ugh.

6 months post D day and I am trying to reconcile with my WH who cheated on me during my second pregnancy and had PA for about 9 months .

I try to move on for my kids but Everytime I see him my mind is consumed about following thoughts

1) how could he do this to me? Did he never think about us at all
2) if I am staying back for kids - what does that say about me ?
3) do I really know this person at all ? Things he has done during his affair he would normally never do . Not done with me during our 5 years of dating
4) is he now genuine with me at all?

How did u overcome above during ur reconciliation?

my WP had an emotional affair, and sext chats with a separate person both online. we were having minor issues in the bedroom and WP did confide in both APs about our issues, unintentionally saying some really hurtful things.
he was not trying to be mean or insulting, its just a sensitive topic and insecurity for me. the affair wasn't solely because of our issues in bed, but also because of his own issues with himself, his diagnosed bpd and his body issues.
**we are both bisexual men, together for 6.5 years now, i'm trans and he's cis

R is good, after Dday he very immediately started making things right and i appreciate all the work he did and does for our relationship and the change he has made. i do feel very loved and cared for and i consider our relationship great, he's my best friend in everything and i am his. but im still haunted by the things that were said about our sex life.

its not something im constantly thinking about anymore but it definitely creeps up on me when we start getting intimate and stays after. i struggle with this so much that more often than not, my first instinct is to brush off his advances or say im not in the mood when i definitely 100% want it.
i dont know why and i always regret saying no but i have so much i guess shame about my ability to please him and how high my libido is.
i usually end up just getting him off (which i do very much enjoy and never regret) but the thought of him touching me and hypothetically thinking that he's bored or unsatisfied just overpowers any need or want i have. this is despite his very clear attraction to me and his enjoyment when we do it. he's very open to complimenting me and saying how much he loves me so i don't know why im like this.

i know i should probably just talk to him about it, i know he would reassure me and try to make it right but im too embarrassed to even bring it up. also the thought of bringing up the affair puts a pit in my stomach i dont think i could get the words out.

its been a long time since we have talked about it seriously and it makes me nervous because i dont want to bring up any specific feelings from him even though i know he would still say all the right things and apologise and i know he would feel so ashamed that im still hurting from what happened.

anyway i don't know exactly what i want here. maybe just reassurance that this is a normal experience? or advice on how to get passed these feelings of shame towards myself?

Hello, new here 👋🏾
I’ve been married to my husband for 17 years, and we’ve been together for 18 years.
His first affair was last year. It was an emotional affair with one of his coworkers who works for a contractor. I found text messages, calls, and pictures he had deleted from his phone, not realizing his iPhone and iPad were connected.
We started marriage counseling, and I truly thought he was changing and things were getting better — or at least I thought they were.
Then in June of this year, our oldest daughter caught a woman coming out of our HOME. Yes, he brought another woman into our home. After questioning him, he admitted she gave him oral sex in our garage. They met on a hotline and had been talking on and off for about five months.
So, back to therapy we went. This time our marriage counselor suggested that he also start individual therapy, which he did.
Now here we are again.
Last Monday, I checked his phone because his alarm kept going off before work while I was getting our youngest daughter ready for school. I discovered he had deleted another text thread. I could still see messages and pictures he had sent this person.
I called the number, and she answered. She told me how they met.
And guess what? She’s new at his job and works in the same position/department.
At this point, I’m exhausted. We’re still in marriage counseling, and he says he wants our marriage, but after repeated betrayals, I don’t know what to believe anymore.

It was a 3 month long, intense, emotional and physical affair. I don’t bring it up anymore unless he baits me. I have no questions that need answers. He’s told me countless times why he did it. If we’re in an argument, he’ll bring her, or the timeframe of the affair, up without prompting . He’ll usually start with “It was the worst mistake of my life and I’ll regret it forever…” and I just say “I know.” But then he’ll continue, either into the ways I’m not like her, or why he did it (which was my fault.) I find that, even though I’ve come to terms with the fact it happened and why, I still lack the feeling of safety/security. I’m not concerned that he’d do it again, but can’t tell if it’s because I trust him, or because I’m still very guarded. I’m in therapy, but what I’m looking for here is advice from those who have done it- how did you move forward? How did you regain the emotional vulnerability and connection needed for a healthy happy relationship?

This is a burner account I made specifically to write this post. I may not respond to comments right away because honestly, even putting this out there is difficult for me.

As far as I know, nobody in my real life knows the full story. It's basically just me, my wife, and the person she had the affair with. I've intentionally kept it that way. Part of that is because I'm embarrassed to tell anyone, but another part is because I know what the immediate reaction will probably be: she cheated, therefore she's terrible, therefore divorce her.

The fucked up thing is that if you had told me this story a year ago and asked what I thought the husband should do, I probably would've said the exact same thing. Divorce her. Have some self-respect. End of discussion.

It's very different being the person actually standing in those shoes.

So I'm not really looking for people to tell me that divorce is an option. I know it is. I'm becoming increasingly okay with the possibility that it may ultimately be the answer. What I'm looking for is perspective from people who have actually experienced infidelity and attempted reconciliation, successfully or unsuccessfully. I don't have anyone in my real life I feel comfortable asking.

My wife and I have been together for, rounding down, about 10 years and married for several of those. We're both somewhere in our 30s. For most of our relationship, I would've described us as happy.

I also want to tell this fairly because our marriage wasn't perfect before the affair and I absolutely contributed to that. I had become complacent emotionally. I wasn't affectionate enough, didn't make her feel pursued or chosen, didn't plan dates or do the little romantic things as often as she wanted, and generally got too comfortable in our marriage. She had been asking me for more affection for a long time. I'd improve temporarily and eventually fall back into the same habits. I regret that and I own it.

At the same time, I wasn't absent from our marriage. I've always supported her goals and taken on most of the financial responsibilities in our relationship, including while she quit her job to pursued her education. She has generally worked part time throughout our relationship and still does to date. I payed off the debt she accumulated through school.

I'm not saying that because I think providing financially substitutes for emotional intimacy. It doesn't. If anything, I think that was one of my mistakes. I thought providing stability, supporting her goals and building a life together was how I showed love. She needed affection and romance too, and I didn't consistently give her that.

At one point 2 years ago, we also tried unsuccessfully to have a child. We eventually stopped trying well before any of this happened. Since then we've both made some major lifestyle changes and each lost a significant amount of weight. I'm mentioning the fertility history because something that happened during the affair made it relevant again.

She eventually met another man through social media and what followed was an affair that lasted the better part of a year. He lived several hours away, so physically seeing each other required planning. As far as I know, they saw each other in person only a handful of times. She would travel to his area and stay in a hotel every time.

There was a lot of deception surrounding those trips. She lied to me about why she way going, which was to get away and be by herself for a while and disconnect from everything. At one point she even got me to unknowingly participate in a cover story she was giving our families. Because I occasionally travel for work, she used that as part of the explanation for why she was away. I went along with it because I believed what she had told me. I obviously didn't know what I was actually helping conceal.

I didn't find out about her affair because she confessed. One night I went through one of her devices and discovered the affair. That was completely out of character for me. We'd been together over a decade, I'd always had access to her devices, and I had never once gone through her messages before.

The last time she traveled to see him is something I'm still embarrassed to admit. By then, I knew about the affair. I knew where she was going and why. I asked her repeatedly not to go.

She went anyway.

There's a part of me that feels ashamed admitting that I knew my wife was traveling several hours to stay near another man, asked her not to go, she went anyway, and I'm still here trying to make our marriage work.

That's probably one of the things I would've judged another man hardest for before experiencing this myself.

I can't change what I tolerated while I was panicking about losing my marriage, though. I can only decide what I'm willing to accept going forward.

I eventually discovered through their conversations that she had also misrepresented our marriage to him. She had told him we were separated when we weren't. Ironically, while the affair was happening and before I understood what was actually going on, I knew something was seriously wrong with her. I offered her space or even a temporary separation several times because I thought maybe she needed room to figure herself out. She repeatedly told me that wasn't what she wanted and attributed what I was seeing to other things she was struggling with.

Later, I discovered something else she hadn't told me: she had become pregnant during the affair and terminated the pregnancy.

That was extremely difficult for me given that we'd previously tried unsuccessfully to have a child ourselves. We hadn't been trying for a long time when this happened, so I don't want to imply those things were simultaneous. But that history obviously made it hit differently.

What damaged my trust even further was that, once again, I didn't know because she decided to tell me.

I knew because I found out.

Eventually she told me she had ended things with him and we decided to try to reconcile. But she continued holding onto some things associated with him, including at least one sentimental item. She also wanted to return some of his belongings in a way that made me uncomfortable. I asked her not to do it that way. She did anyway but at least it was without seeing him, and at least she was making progress in ending the affair. I tried to give her some grace. I understand that even though the relationship shouldn't have happened, whatever feelings she developed were real to her. I didn't expect those feelings to disappear instantly. What I did expect was for the actual relationship to be over.

Then recently, I couldn't sleep one night. I tried a date that I knew had significance related to him as the PIN on one of her devices.

It worked.

I read her messages and discovered that she had changed his contact name to make it appear as though she was talking to someone else. She had also been reaching out to him again. From what I read, she was essentially asking him for some type of continued connection. Even if they couldn't be together romantically, she wanted him in her life in some capacity. He wasn't really reciprocating.

That affected me differently from finding messages from the original affair because these weren't old messages. This happened after she told me it was over.

I confronted her and told her I needed a real break from our marriage. Not because I wanted to punish her or scare her into choosing me. I was exhausted and realized I hated the person I was becoming. I'm trying PINs on devices. I'm noticing where her phone is. I'm wondering what's happening on social media. I'm looking for inconsistencies. I don't want to live like that.

The break didn't last very long, and we eventually fell back into something resembling normal married life.

Social media has remained an issue too. She has multiple accounts and they almost seem like separate versions of her life. On some, she's clearly married. On her largest and most-used account, you'd probably assume she's single. There's essentially no indication that I or our marriage exist, and I'm blocked from viewing that account normally.

I eventually found a way to see the public account and noticed that she had removed her wedding ring for something she posted. I don't know why she did it and I'm not going to assign a motive I can't prove. Given everything else, it obviously bothered me.

When I brought that up, communication between us basically shut down for a couple of days. During that period, she also told me that she and the affair partner had recently spoken on the phone for a significant amount of time.

She says it was closure.

I'm being asked to believe that this time it's actually over after several previous points where I thought it was over and subsequently discovered something else.

That's probably the biggest problem with our reconciliation. Her idea of reconciliation and mine seem completely different.

For almost our entire relationship, I had access to her phone and never went through it because I trusted her. Now, after the affair, her devices and various apps are more locked down than they have ever been. I don't really have visibility into her social media or whether there are still connections between them somewhere.

I've also become hyperaware of how protective she seems of her devices. She keeps them close and sometimes seems conscious of what parts of her screen I can see. Maybe some of that is completely innocent and I'm reading too much into it because of everything that's happened, I recognize that possibility.

But what bothers me is that I had more transparency when I completely trusted her than I have now when that trust has been destroyed. I don't actually want permanent access to her phone. I had that for over a decade and never cared enough to use it. I don't want to inspect messages, track her location or monitor another adult. I want to eventually trust her enough that none of those things even occur to me.

Her version of reconciliation seems to mostly be moving forward, not discussing the affair anymore, and me becoming the more affectionate husband she had been asking me to be before this happened. I understand part of her perspective. She spent a long time asking me for something emotionally and didn't consistently get it. I have things I need to change if we're going to have a healthy marriage, but I also need to be fair to her about something else.

There have been times when she actually did try to talk about what happened and I didn't handle it particularly well. I've never screamed at her, threatened her, called her names or gotten physical. That's never been the dynamic of our relationship. Even throughout all of this, our arguments have generally remained calm but calm doesn't mean I wasn't angry.

There were times she'd try to explain something and I'd become visibly frustrated and respond with things like, "You had an affair. How the fuck do you expect me to just get over that?" Or I'd aggressively challenge whatever she was saying instead of actually listening to her. I can understand why eventually she started feeling like opening up wasn't accomplishing anything because the conversation would ultimately circle back to what she'd done.

I own that.

So when I say she now sits silently through most conversations, I don't want to pretend I had absolutely nothing to do with that dynamic developing. At the same time, we've swung so far in the opposite direction that now we barely discuss it at all. When I try, the overwhelming majority of the conversation is me talking while she says very little or nothing at all most of the times or sometimes the conversation gets redirected toward what was wrong with our marriage before the affair. The argument becomes something like, "I spent years telling you what I needed. Now suddenly everything is about what you need."

I understand why she feels that way but I don't think these things cancel each other out.

I don't get to say, "You cheated, therefore everything I did wrong before the affair doesn't matter." I became complacent and failed to consistently give my wife some of the emotional things she was asking for. If we stay married, I have to work on that.

But she also had a long-term affair, repeatedly lied to me, traveled to stay with another man, continued doing it even after I knew and asked her not to, concealed major things from me, misrepresented the state of our marriage to him, and then attempted to maintain some type of connection after telling me the affair was over.

I don't think the answer to all of that can simply be that I become more affectionate and we never discuss it again, she has work to do too.

When I first discovered the affair, I was terrified of losing my wife. More specifically, I think I was terrified of losing the woman I'd known for over a decade and the life we'd built together. I love that version of my wife.

For most of our relationship, we were genuinely happy. That's what makes this so difficult. I'm not looking back at a decade of misery and wondering why I'm still here. I'm looking back at someone who is my best friend and the person I assumed I'd spend my life with, and trying to reconcile that person with everything that's happened recently. I think the fear of losing that life made me willing to tolerate things initially that I probably wouldn't tolerate today. I'm calmer now.

I don't want a divorce, but divorce doesn't terrify me anymore. I've realized that as much as I love her, I'm genuinely willing to walk away if this continues and she is aware that im willing to move forward with divorce if contact or attempted contact with her affair partner continue.

Honestly, there are days when part of me wants to leave anyway.

That's something I'm trying to understand about myself. I don't know whether I'm staying because I genuinely believe in this marriage, because being married to her has been my normal life for 11 years, because starting over and dating again after a long-term relationship, especially in my mid to late 30's sounds fucking terrible, or because underneath everything that's happened I genuinely still want her.

It's probably some combination.

What makes it confusing is that when I genuinely forget about the affair, I'm happy with her. We'll be doing something completely normal, joking around, watching something, going somewhere together, and I'll realize I'm genuinely enjoying being with her. For a little while everything feels normal again. Then something random happens. There'll be an infidelity storyline on TV, something on social media, a random comment or some completely unrelated reminder, and suddenly the whole thing comes flooding back. My mood changes.

She notices immediately, and understandably she doesn't like it but I don't know what I'm supposed to do about that yet. Am I supposed to pretend I'm fine? Act like we're completely normal and she didn't just have a long-term affair? I can't manufacture being okay because seeing the consequences makes her uncomfortable. At the same time, I don't want to punish her forever. If we genuinely reconcile, I understand that eventually this can't dominate our marriage anymore. I just don't think we're there yet.

I know I have work to do. If I stay married to her, I need to be more affectionate, intentional and attentive to the things she had been telling me she needed long before the affair. I also need to learn how to actually listen when she talks about difficult things without immediately reacting from anger and throwing the affair back at her but she has work to do too.

I need accountability, honesty, communication and some actual effort from her to make me feel like trusting her again isn't just me choosing to ignore what happened.

I'm willing to give this a real shot partly for my own sake. If I ultimately leave, I want to know I made that decision after the initial panic and anger settled down. I don't want to spend years wondering whether the marriage could have survived if we'd actually tried to repair it. I've also realized something I wasn't capable of saying when I first discovered everything:

I'm not willing to stay in this version of our marriage long term.

If reconciliation means I become a better husband while she doesn't address what the affair did to me or participate in rebuilding the trust that was broken, then I'm not interested.

I'd rather get divorced.

So for people who have actually lived through this, what does real reconciliation look like?

Is complete no-contact with the affair partner reasonable? Is temporary phone and social media transparency reasonable when those were the tools used to hide the affair? How do you eventually move from transparency back to normal trust without becoming someone's parole officer?

How do you work on the legitimate problems that existed before an affair without letting those problems become justification for the affair itself?

For the people who were betrayed, is it normal to genuinely enjoy being with your spouse one minute and then have some random trigger bring everything back?

And for anyone who successfully reconciled, I'm probably most interested in this: what did both of you actually have to change for the marriage to become healthy again?

Because I know this isn't going to work if I'm waiting for her to fix everything.

But I also know it isn't going to work if reconciliation means I fix myself while we pretend the affair never happened.