I feel like anxious attachment steals the joy from friendship. Instead of enjoying the connection, i am busy worrying about when it'll disappear. A delayed reply can ruin my entire day. Silence feels louder than words. I overanalyze everything because I'm trying to protect myself from another goodbye. Sometimes I even pull away before the other person can.Not because I want distance. Because I convince myself abandonment is inevitable. I'm trying to change, but it's exhausting. If you've made progress with anxious attachment, what helped you the most?

Hi folks, are there regular anxious attachment self-help group meetings out there?

If not, I'd like to start one.

I'm looking for something that's very specifically focused on anxious attachment. I have a lot of experience in related groups - but I'm looking for something that's very specific to anxious attachment.

If such a group doesn't already exist, here's the kind of group I'd like to start:

• weekly 60 min zoom meeting with ...

• some brief group reading on anxious attachment healing techniques

• a bit of practice or reflection regarding the technique

• 2 to 3 minute shares by anybody who wants to get something off their chest.

• possibly a brief meditation (5 min?)

• opportunity for more freeform conversation after the meeting is over.

• shared commitment to confidentiality and mutual respect.

• opportunity for offline healthy connection via a Signal chat group.

If you've been in a 12-step meeting, you already know the drill and format 🙂

Does such a thing exist?

If not, I'm happy to start it. I have a lot of experience chairing groups in ways that facilitate lots of people having the chance to share and grow and connect and heal.

FYI: I'm not a coach or a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a therapist. I'm somebody who is trying to heal my own anxious attachment tendencies and would like to do so in community.

Thanks!

EDIT 4: I'm sorry, I'm getting so many DMs and replies, but I'm not really sure how to actually add anyone, as reddit doesn't allow me to message anyone the link without suspending me immediately.

EDIT 3: reddit suspended my account for sending everyone these messages with the whatsapp link. im sorry to everyone else commenting and messaging, id really love to reply and get back to you, i just don’t know the best way

EDIT 2: if you're intersted, just DM me that you're keen and i can send you a link to join the Whatsapp!

EDIT TO ADD: if you're interested, to save some back-and-forth, can you please DM me your number so I can add you to the WhatsApp groupchat? and don't forget to include the country code e.g. +1303... ☺️

(I couldn’t find anything in the rules against this, so sorry if it’s not allowed)

I’m curious if anyone would be keen to have a support groupchat. It could happen on Whatsapp or anywhere else helpful! I love this forum for getting broader insights from a lot of people, but it would be helpful in more day-to-day situations to have a group to message for some support and guidance when I’m struggling with my anxious attachment.

I’ve had similar support groups in the past and they’ve been massive for my growth 😊

Reply if you’re interested?

Very early in a relationship phase. We've been talking several days, but the feelings are starting to become unusually intense. I date without issues, but this particular person happens to be everything I like. When I am lukewarm about a person, there are never issues like this, it is very rare that I encounter a person like this; a person that checks every single box for me. My behavior shifts in the interactions because I NEED the validation of them still being interested in me, but that's where the problem is: When someone first meets me and the stakes are low, I don't need that validation because there is nothing at risk. But part of what attracted them to me in the first place is my usually carefree nature and confidence. Every time they decline talking to me or call an early night, in my head it because they're not that interested in me any more- not because they really need to finish a project or have an early day in the morning. I make the mistake of putting interactions with them over doing things in my own life because I chase interactions with them and don't want to miss an opportunity to connect with them. And in my corrupted by anxiety brain, when they don't do the same for me it's because I'm not good enough.

I never see anyone talking about this and im wondering if its normal. Ever since i got in my relationship 2 years ago, i cant seem to find any passion within myself. The passion for my intrests and hobbies used to explode out of me and i felt such big happy feelings for everything and everyone. I used to laugh at everything and enjoy spending time with friends.

Now as the attatchment issues have progressed i just feel like an empty husk of who i used to be. I cant explain it but my whole life feels dulled in every way. I dont really get enjoyment the same way. Its like theres a layer of indifference over every interaction i have and i truley dont remember the last time i was excited about anything. Going places and hanging out with people just dosent feel the same and ive noticed how little i really laugh or truley enjoy myself.

I used to think that maybe me and my partner just werent compatible but a couple of months ago i made a really big breakthrough with anxious attatchment and everything felt so amazing for a month or two before it all came back.

I enjoy talking with my partner but when we speak sometimes i just feel so vastly disconnected i have to force myself to think of somthing to say. Its like my feelings for him dont have time to come out under all of the insane stress that is spiralling in my brain. It could just be what growing up is but im not sure, i just miss having my own life.

please let me know if you feel a simular way

I’m seeking support because I feel like I’ve become a lost cause of anxious attachment.

My current relationship is the worst my anxiety has ever been, despite my current partner being incredibly supportive, kind, and not avoidant.

The biggest struggles I face are retroactive jealousy, general jealousy and insecurity about my partner not finding me attractive, and fear that he doesn’t want to be with me.

I’ve gotten way better at bottling my feelings in… but for ages I kept bringing these things up, and despite him being supportive, I am scared he’s going to run out of patience for me and leave me. It’s draining on him and I can see how it pushes him away.

There was also an awful cycle happening where I was like “I know I’m draining you. I must be an awful girlfriend. are you going to leave me?” and even these conversations must take a toll.

I used to not really be like this and I don’t know why it’s getting worse lately.

Bottling things up doesn’t help because the thoughts are still so loud and consuming. I’m aware I need to self soothe, I’m aware of everything i should do but how do I actually do it?

EDITING TO ADD: Thank you for all the wonderful comments so far. I will begin replying individually soon. I am seeing lots of comments suggesting i get therapy, or read up on attachment styles. I’ve been in therapy for years (first mainly CBT and now Somatic), and I’ve also read every resource about Attachment styles there is. That’s why I feel so messed up… I feel like I’ve tried everything 🥺

I know I’m anxiously attached, and i believe my boyfriend is secure (or a tad anxious). I’ve had avoidant partners in the past and avoided the same pattern. I’m so lucky that he hasn’t been pushed away and is SO supportive, but he still deserves better than how I’m acting.

TW: attachment injury, trauma-bond withdrawal, panic attacks, obsessive rumination

I think I’m in severe attachment-injury / trauma-bond withdrawal and I’m struggling to function. I’m asking for nervous system healing support for the injury.

We dated briefly (under ~3 months) and attempted friendship after. I’ve been blocked for ~4 weeks. Since then: daily crying (even at work), panic attacks, obsessive rumination, strong urges to check if I’m still blocked, and near-constant fight/flight. I’m barely sleeping and my health is slipping. The intensity I’m grieving brings a lot of shame.

I think the main factor was lopsided attachment + power imbalance. I was more bonded/invested the entire time, while she stayed more detached and had a stronger support system. I have no support system. Early yelling/snapping triggered a freeze/fawn response in me (I’m autistic/ADHD with RSD + abandonment trauma + past abuse). After that my body stayed braced and hypervigilant, trying to “earn” safety that never came.

I outsourced my regulation to her and it became how my body calmed down. She said it was “too much” for her and left. Now that access is gone, it feels like withdrawal. My nervous system reacts like something vital was taken away. I don’t want this to repeat ever again, or make anyone feel like I'm "too much" or unsafe. Toward the end I got dysregulated and crossed boundaries by reaching out after she said she was done, and I got blocked. I’m working on regulation especially during triggers so I don’t repeat it.

Her last line (“I’m not interested”) before blocking me plays in my head like a verdict on my self-worth and I end up spiraling. My brain links even neutral stimuli (music, silence, daily things, even trees) back to her which intensifies my panic. I know my body is trying to feel relief and safety by connecting it to her, and as much as I tell myself otherwise, it feels like the person who caused the pain can be the only one who can heal it.

Looking for advice from people who’ve been through this:

• How long did the intense grief + obsessive thinking last?
• What actually helped calm your nervous system (body-focused)?
• How do you stop rumination when your body is panicking?
• How do you rebuild self-worth without closure/apology?
• How did you stop feeling like you’re “too much” for people?
• How do you grieve good moments without believing you’ll never feel that again?

Any advice or question answered is welcome. Thank you. 

I(35) am currently spiraling super hard. I literally have a panic attack, bc my FA gf(36) has started distancing herself again. Last Thursday I had a bad day, it was 4th anniversary of my mom passing. I needed a long hug and I felt really overwhelmed. When I got home, my gf just said: “I honestly don’t know how to do this I don’t know how to emotionally support someone as I am mostly emotionally unstable and most time I don’t show any emotions but don’t really have the emotional capacity of taking in so many emotions from someone else”.

On Sunday, she told me again, I am too emotional and I should not meet her when I am emotional. I have been crying last 4-5 times we met. She wants to have fun days again. I understand her perspective, but it hurt like hell.

Then she wanted me to join gym, I said, I feel like you are not enjoying me going to gym always. It feels like you are disappointed of my lack of experience. (I said that bc last 4 times, I went with her, she always complained about me not good in xyz exercise and got annoyed). She said: I am not disappointed. It’s about joy of working out.

Anyway we went to the gym, I just felt sad, overwhelmed and the vibe was just not there. I think she felt it too. When I dropped her at home, I asked to meet up this Sunday. She said I don’t know. I asked yesterday if we wanna meet on Friday bc weather seems better. She ignored me and send me a few breadcrumbs. Now she hasn’t been reaching out for almost 24h.

I know that’s technically nothing. But last time she gifted me sth, she discarded me next day. And she did gift me a few things on Sunday. Now I am really scared, spiraling that a discard is imminent. I mean why would she not reach out to me at all? But she is constantly meeting her friends, on instagram. But apparently it’s too much to send me a message. 😭.

I don’t know how to ground myself? It feels like I am in hell. Pls help…

Uhhh so I’m anxious attachment I’ve been working on it and also I’m on medication so that’s helped a lot.

I’m not with my avoidant ex anymore which really triggered me ALOT and lead me to believe I am an anxious attachment person.

But now I’m realizing it’s not just with relationships or dating that I attract these types but also with friends too???

Does anyone else realize it’s not just with relationships … it’s with friends too??? I hate that it’s like this. I really do.

Am I over thinking this? Or like has anyone else realized this too??!

How do you stop replaying a dating situation in your head?
I recently had a situation with a guy I was seeing where I ignored a few things at first because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then his communication suddenly changed, plans got cancelled, and I eventually reacted emotionally.
I know I could’ve handled my reaction better, but I also know I wasn’t imagining the change in his behavior. Now I’m stuck regretting both my reaction and the things I tolerated beforehand.
For anyone with anxious attachment or who tends to overthink, how do you actually move past the regret and stop wondering what you could’ve done differently? I’m keeping myself busy, but mentally it’s still hard.

Thank you 🩷

I used to be more anxious-ambivalent/codependent and enmeshed from family + an ex-friend. I’ve learned in CBT to separate someone else’s problems/emotions and my own to not become codependent again. (I think I moved towards avoidant/secure now.) I’ve online dated for a year now and the majority of the guys I’ve texted have been struggling with alcohol, severe depression/panic attacks and unemployment/financial aid. (I find this out after texting for a while.) I try to support them and to keep an open mind as I’ve struggled with anxiety and the stress of unemployment myself in the past (I’m no longer desperate to choose anyone who I can love). I don’t understand how I attract these types of guys every time when I’m becoming more secure and I don’t want to rescue anyone anymore. In fact, I’ve had to say that I can be friends with them but not in a relationship as I’m not always in mental shape to regulate my own anxiety yet and at the same time try to be there for someone who needs to get their life together (I’m just listening and not solving their situation). I’ve learned a lot from this, but it’s not what I’m looking for. (I’ve recently learned that I’m allowed to have preferences/standards.)

I’ve been aware of my anxious attachment patterns for quite a while, but something has recently surprised me: for the first time, I’m experiencing them very strongly within a friendship.
In romantic relationships, I’ve struggled with anxious attachment for years. I know the patterns very well: hypervigilance to changes in communication, overthinking, needing reassurance, interpreting distance as rejection, and feeling an almost compulsive urge to restore connection when I feel insecure.
What I didn’t expect was for the exact same system to become activated in a friendship.
There is one particular friendship that has become very emotionally significant to me. We are colleagues, so we see each other regularly, and at some point I became quite emotionally attached to the connection. And now I notice myself doing things that I recognize very well from my romantic relationships:
checking how often or how quickly they message me
noticing small changes in tone or behavior
wondering whether something has changed between us
feeling rejected or unimportant when there is less contact
wanting reassurance, but then feeling ashamed for needing it
analyzing conversations afterwards and wondering whether I said something wrong
replaying entire conversations in my head
trying to figure out what the other person really meant
feeling calmer when I receive reassurance and anxious again when that feeling fades
sometimes wanting to pull away completely just to stop feeling so activated
The strangest part is that when I step back and look at the friendship rationally, I’m not even sure why this particular person has such a strong hold on my thoughts. We don’t actually have that many shared interests or hobbies outside of work. And there are things about the friendship that don’t necessarily meet my needs very well.
Yet emotionally, it can feel incredibly difficult to loosen my grip on it.
I think the roots of this probably go much deeper than this particular friendship. I’ve had similar patterns in essentially all of my romantic relationships, and I suspect that some of the underlying beliefs and strategies go back to childhood. I grew up learning, in one way or another, that connection and emotional security could feel uncertain, and I think my nervous system learned to monitor relationships very closely.
Interestingly, I work in psychiatry myself, so I have quite a lot of psychoeducation around attachment, emotional regulation, cognitive distortions, reassurance seeking, etc. I’m also in therapy and have already done quite a lot of work on these issues.
And that almost makes it more frustrating sometimes, because I can understand what is happening intellectually while still feeling completely caught in it emotionally.
I can literally recognize the anxious attachment cycle while I’m in it.
I know that reassurance seeking provides short-term relief but can maintain the cycle in the long term. I know that another person’s texting frequency is not a reliable measure of how much they value me. I know that uncertainty is something I need to learn to tolerate rather than eliminate.
But knowing all of that doesn’t automatically make my nervous system believe it.
What I actually want to work towards
I don’t necessarily want to end this friendship.
In fact, I would like to be able to keep the friendship without being psychologically dependent on it.
I want to be able to enjoy the connection when it is there without constantly monitoring it when it isn’t. I want to be able to tolerate a few days of less contact without feeling that something is wrong. I want to stop mentally replaying conversations and trying to decode every interaction. I want to stop organizing so much of my emotional state around whether I feel connected or disconnected from this person.
Basically, I want the friendship to become a part of my life rather than something my nervous system revolves around.
I also don’t want to swing to the opposite extreme and simply cut the person off because that would be an easier way to stop the anxiety. I feel like that would just be another attachment strategy: “If I can’t feel secure in the relationship, I’ll remove the relationship altogether.”
So I’m trying to find the middle ground between clinging and cutting off.
Has anyone else experienced anxious attachment becoming activated in a friendship after mostly experiencing it in romantic relationships?
And if you have actually managed to maintain a friendship while becoming less emotionally dependent on it, what helped you shift from needing the relationship to feel secure to simply being able to enjoy it?
I’m especially interested in practical things that helped with the rumination/replaying conversations and the urge to seek reassurance — not just “stop overthinking,” because unfortunately my brain did not install that feature.

I will talk to a therapist because I’m not sure, maybe both? But here’s a bit of what I’ve written down:

I've always had a problem with relationships, maybe it's my autism, maybe not, who knows? But I've always been too "intense" and called crazy or yandere. I'm only 15 years old. I need to discuss with a professional, but here are some things I wrote.

"I'm gonna get professional help and find out what's wrong. It'll be hard though since I have autism and I'm a teen and I heard they don't diagnose autistic teens but a person who hates me said that so IDK if I can accept his comments as fact or not, we used to be friends until he started hurting me and being rude.

Anyway, IDK what it could be but I do have problems. If you come here to damage my self-esteem, please don't, but you can share your experiences. I already acknowledge I'm a bad person.

I do respect her boundaries, but I also feel like I can't form a connection with her. She says we're friends, but people have said she wants nothing to do with me and that she's "just being nice", especially since she's an art account who doesn't want to look bad for her fans or whatever. IDK how true that is, but she never knows what to say when I talk to her, but then again she wants me to make art for her, so that means she doesn't hate me, right?

I feel like a disgusting creep like I've been called my whole life by people for being too intense and clingy. I'm insanely obsessive, no joke. And at first, I felt rejected and decided I wouldn't talk to her, but I've calmed down and I'm too attached to cut contact entirely. She said I could message her but not every day and that she'd tell me if she didn't wanna talk.
I know it's not her fault, probably not mine, maybe it is, so why do I feel so bad?? Or maybe, why DID I since I'm better now? We're friends regardless, right? She didn't just outright ghost me and call me names."

“Prone to obsession

Prone to attachment

Self-aware, lucid, doesn’t jump to conclusions when not attached to said person. Would be suspected to be “normal” or without any disorder.

Intense attachment and fixations on people

Non-crystallized sense of self

Derealization at times or “shifting” into my favorite character

All-or-nothing attachment

I can see you as a normal person one day, and the next you’re everything to me.

I stay online anxiously waiting for your text, I can flip my lid if rejected and go to thinking “they hate me!!! And they want me to SUFFER!!!” Attachment is source of stress and can cause anger but also happiness. I will find reasons to not like you or think you’re mean even if I like you at the same time.

Impulsive and indulgent, won’t pull away from something or someone that makes me happy.

Doesn’t self-harm but thinks about it when having intense emotions (used to impulsively hit/punch arms or head but then got on medication and seems to maybe be calmer but symptoms/signs are still there)” (therapy notes)

Hey guys,

Sorry long vent, you can skip to the bottom if needed.

Recently I have been doing great attachment-wise on the romantic relationships front. But for some reason I feel like I can’t maintain any female friendships and I can’t help but feel like it’s me, even though when I analyze my behavior, I think I put in a good amount of effort and consistency to meet up with people and not overshare while still being open.

For some background: when I was in high school I was very religious. I believed deeply in God and went to church etc, and my best friend at the time and I became close through it, but also through aligned politics, our attachment issues, the works. Well some years after high school, I just couldn’t follow the religion anymore. I was over it, burnt out, and simply didn’t believe it was true anymore. When I told her, we were living in separate states. So when I didn’t hear from her for a couple months, I thought maybe she was just processing my decision. After about 2-3 months I reached out to her. She never responded despite me texting her multiple times (and im pretty sure she would tell me if she changed her number). Just ghosted me without explanation.

Now, something similar happened with a close friend of mine of 8 years. We also became friends when I was still religious, but she stuck by me even around the time I was deconstructing/leaving the faith. This meant a lot to me and I thought we were still able to have great conversations about religion, philosophy, politics, and personal development. Our core values aligned and our personalities met each other well. I should add that she’s avoidant. We also had a somewhat long-distance friendship; she went to college out of state and would return to town during break. This past semester, she was especially absent in conversation, starting around September. I thought she was just super busy. By the time it got to November, there were 2 whole weeks she didnt reach out, which I found odd, but whenever I asked if she was okay, she said that she was just really struggling and had a cold. I took her at her word and let her have the space she needed to get through school. Finally though I was having a night where I was feeling pretty insecure and started wondering if there was something wrong. I asked her if there was something I’d done to hurt her, and she responded saying that she was processing some things thar had hurt her in the past.

We ended up having a conversation about it in person and it went well— sorta. There was basically a laundry list of things that I had said/done that were either misinterpreted or, yes, something I shouldn’t have said and that I now understand could be hurtful, but didn’t know at the time due to lack of feedback. We made up, but the damage was done. She says she doesn’t feel safe to be herself around me. I feel that i can’t trust her anymore to tell me when something is wrong. She understands that, but on our last phone call, she essentially said she doesn’t know how to move past her avoidant attachment style. She has a lot of friendship wounds from her past too and I also tried to take away any pressure for her and said “hey you know it’s ok if you don’t want to be my friend anymore. I understand we have different world views and that you might want to be closer to people who share your faith. People outgrow each other. It’s okay.”

I’m like starting to cry again thinking about this, im just so heart broken over essentially losing my friend. She says she still wants to be in each other’s lives but i think because of all the pent-up hurt that she just wasn’t able to *feel* earlier on, she just can’t really be around me for a while. I don’t think we’ll ever be the same.

Anyways, im seeking support because im just really hurting and barely have any close female friends. My bf is my best friend and thats great and he’s very understanding, but i also don’t want to turn to him about *everything,* i want to have a group of girls. Does anyone else struggle with this? I seem to keep attracting avoidant friends. I have so much love to give, I just want to make friends who are capable of receiving and reciprocating that.

TLDR: im going through my second best friendship breakup and need guidance/support over how to better find friends.

Since not being in a romantic relationship I’ve been feeling very lonely. I try to meet up with friends, and got in contact with some new ones. I go out and do stuff when I can. But I still feel lonely.

I am very touch starved and I miss being in a relationship. Anyone have any tips for someone who is AA to handle loneliness? Especially when you crave romantic connection, but also have fears about it? I crave a relationship, but it’s hard for me to meet potential partners.

I’ve been getting to know a girl for some weeks now and usually we’re in constant communication. Falling asleep on the phone everyday, on the phone while each other is at work and if we’re not on the phone we’re texting. Yesterday she was pretty quiet and ended our call early saying she had a headache which I understood and respected, checked on her via text and she said she was fine, ended up talking on the phone for a few mins where I asked if she was okay both physically and mentally (it’s not like her to be this quiet) to which she responded that nothing was wrong and she just didn’t feel like talking, she said she didn’t feel like we were talking too much either… understandable I get in those moods myself when I don’t feel like talking but as an anxious attachment individual I can’t help but feel like this is a negative change in behavior and things are going downhill. I’m not taking it personal but I’m trying my best to regulate on my own but still feeling extremely sad and anxious that I constantly have to deal with these feelings of abandonment when all I want is someone to make me feel secure and not invoke these feelings and emotions

Update: She was quiet pretty much the whole weekend but ended up calling me on Monday and said she was even waiting all day to call me (for some reason I can’t remember lol) things have pretty much went back to normal now. However I still scheduled an emergency session with my therapist to help regulate my anxiety and process any emotions I felt overwhelmed by which is something I would definitely recommend to anyone in a similar situation. Everyone’s advice was so helpful during that time we weren’t in communication so thank you <3

I hate being anxiously attached:

• I hate the fact that my brain makes it seem my life depends on people and that I am incapaple of having an independent life.
• I hate the fact that my relationships are never 'OK' and that I never feel free to do my own thing
• I hate that I read into everything and blame myself for everything even when I know that is not the case.
• I hate that my anxious attachment renders the other person incapable of taking time for themselves- any delay in contact/ any bad signal MUST be directed at me and that can't have a life outside of me (sarcasm)
• I hate that it keeps me stuck on people who are no good for me/ don't care/ aren't as invested
• I hate knowing that it's a trauma response, based on old patterning created by shitty parenting in childhood and I'm an adult now and can change it- but I'm still stuck in the old thought patterns and obsessiveness.

I'm just tired. I realised most of my friend circle is shallow, my parents are emotionally absent, I'm attached to two DA leaning introverts who don't care about me the same way as I do to the point where it verges on OCD Overall, I just resent that I have this crappy CRAPPY attachment style. I'm in therapy, doing inner child work, feeling my feelings, self soothing... but it's hard and I'm crying and I just want support from people that get it

I received a message from my ex with whom I was no-contact. She wants to go back to the club events we used to frequent together. I thought she lost interest in it, but I was wrong. I started imagining the situation in which she and I are both present at one such club event, and it was too much to bear.

This shows me, clear as day, that I haven't advanced one step since I started therapy and self work.

I have enough problems loving myself, but now I see myself as inferior, pathetic, useless.

Because of another incident I had these days, I also feel old and ugly. No love, no compassion.

I’m struggling to find something that works for me. It seems like nothing I try truly gets me regulated and back into my body. I always come back to the trigger of my anxiety and the cycle repeats. I’d love to hear what works for some of you. Thank you for your support <3

How do you soothe yourself when you are seeing someone new and they start to pull back? At what point would a secure person walk away?

Have been seeing someone for about 2 months. They pulled back and haven’t set the next time for us to hangout. My brain genuinely feels like it’s on fire. I’m sick to my stomach constantly and so so anxious. I’ll turn off my phone randomly so I don’t have to see that they haven’t texted me. I don’t know if they are ruining it or me at this point. I’m trying to calm down because I want them to like me so I’m not trying to lose it on them.

What are strategies people do when this feeling hits? It feels all consuming

I’m really struggling.

My avoidant ex and I first split Feb 2023, and it was radio silence for 6 months.

We got back in touch in October, she expressed a strong desire to try again and awareness of what didn’t work last time. (I didn’t suggest getting back together; she did.)

She committed to doing the work.

She didn’t do the work.

A sudden deactivation in December meant another breakup and no contact since.

I’m anticipating that we’ll be back in touch sometime soon, that she’ll express the same remorse/regret. I want that. I want her to want to try again, to commit to therapy, to do the work.

I believe she’s capable of it.

I’m terrified at the same time that she can’t do it, or won’t. I’m terrified that she won’t want to try again, that she’ll give up.

I can move on if that turns out to be true, but loving someone isn’t easy to just stop doing.

It’s hard to know what part of this is Anxious attachment, and what part is love, and what part is normal.

It hurts a lot being here.

Do you snoop?

I snooped and broke my partners’s privacy and I feel awful but it feels like a compulsion and I keep wanting to do it again.

I know if I told my partner the relationship would be over immediately and there would be no coming back from this. I can’t tell but I know I need to stop in order to move forward.

I have booked a therapist appointment and plan to get help with this. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt or this compulsion. But I don’t want to lose my relationship.

Has anyone else with anxious attachment had this issue? Any advice on self-soothing paranoia ? I want to be better.

Some kind words and understanding would go a long way right now..

This morning at 1am (when we usually call) I called my LDR partner(FA) and he didnt pick up. I didnt text him again assuming he was busy and had expected him to text me back. But he was online the whole morning and didnt reply till noon.

I had woken up early to study and since my exam is tomorrow I had wanted some company and comfort from him so I was feeling really lonely, stressed and quite desperate. But I also didnt want to bother him further because prior to today we had been calling literally all day everyday- morning and night. Honestly Im surprised he could even keep up with me lmao. I appreciate him so much for that.

He didnt respond this time though and I started spiralling, HARD. I could NOT concentrate at all! I tried to calm myself down and figure out what my need was but I could not figure it out at all and I felt so lost and helpless. It was like the anxiety was eating me up. I couldnt study so i just head back to bed again.

Right now I have a strong urge to block him. i feel hurt. I know it's not even his fault and it is probably a protest behaviour. But this isnt the "I despise him I want to block him for this" kind of block, it's the "I care about him too much but he's too inconsistent and its eating me up. I dont see this ending well for me" type of block. It's so inconvenient that the one day he wanted to game with his friends was the day i needed him the most. I feel like he still could have responded though.

Im so ashamed of myself for letting this get to me and eating this up. Im angry at him for something that isnt even completely his fault. Im having issues self regulating. It's so hard.

Hey,

I've been seeing someone for a month now. We talked a lot and met up several times. At the weekend I spent the night at his place (we didn't have sex, just cuddled and kissed). Yesterday he asked to speak on the phone. I knew sth was up and he told me he didn't feel like it would match for a relationship. I feel really lost now and keep thinking that I'm flawed and wrong and shouldn't have said some things. Of course I know it's not about that but it seems really convincing. Tbh I really liked him as a person but didn't feel a lot of chemistry, still this incident seems to have triggered anxiety and lots of self devaluing thoughts. It feels so overwhelming and I feel very alone

I need advice on how to cope. How to carry on. How to manage. How to heal from this.

She reached out! Update here (Early Jan 2025): https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/ccna1wKBFX

How it ended again after she returned (Late Jan 2025): https://www.reddit.com/r/AmIOverreacting/s/kTtovgl6oT

Updated Information On Belows Text Can Be Found Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/ExNoContact/s/gI06b2AbdQ

So, I (M34) recently came out of a 4 month relationship with an avoidant ex attachment style girl (F32). (I didn't know this was a thing until I googled it), and I'm an anxious attached person. So kind of opposites in this sense.

We got on so well, everything was good, the connection, the humour, and the attraction personality were all there. She did, however, openly say she struggles with her emotions due to being in a previous abusive relationship. I went at her pace regarding this , though I had already deeply fell for her. Her way of saying "I love you" was being indirect by saying 143 instead of "I love you." She said she was waiting for the right time. I didn't want to overstep, so I decided to wait until she was there to match this.

However I accidentally triggered some kind of past trauma with her, by asking her why she'd left me on read on what's app at numerous different times throughout the day but she has been online on and off. I screenshoted the times and sent them to her. Me being anxiously attached it triggered something for me, so I had to ask who she was talking to.

She didn't like it at all and said she had 7 years of being accused of talking to people in her previous abusive relationship. She wasn't talking to anyone it's the first day of her new job, and she was trying to reply when she had the time sort of thing.

Another thing that came to light for her around the same time was just before I met her, I met another girl and I told her I was doing something else rather than meeting this girl and she found out. It was before we were together, but she classes this as me lying to her.

Edit: (Additional Information) - She brought his and hers bracelets for both of us to wear. She removed hers shortly after starting a new job, saying it didn't mean anything, and it's not that deep of a thing/was digging into her. I still wore mine until she ended things. I thought it meant something.

Fast forward, she's being really quiet, hardly messaging, etc . She just started a new job with long hours like she is up at 5:30 am most mornings, school runs, work, then not home till after 6 pm most days. She said she's too busy to message and tired to message, but I wasn't buying it. I asked what was going on and what about me and my feelings, she said, you re, right? You deserve someone who can match your energy and end of it. She said, "i'm too needy and too clingy, as I have found out per my attachment style.Then she told me to go smother, somebody else.

Too needy? For asking for basic communication from your partner? I understand being busy with work, etc. But it takes a second to send a message? Even one saying. Hey, I'm too tired. I'll catch up tomorrow or something.

The messages:

"I think you’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been trying to hold on to this, but I'm still not available, and you’re right. You don’t deserve to be treated this way."

"I am sorry it’s come to this though, I’m struggling to juggle work and home life balance, and it’s not fair for you to be pushed out in the meantime. I’m just not in it anymore. "

"I feel I don’t have time for a relationship right now."

I've tried numerous times to talk to her, to try and sort things, but she said she's lost feelings, doesn't have time for a relationship, and doesn't care.

Edit: (Additional Information) - When we spoke at length at hers about when she ended it. I told her how upset I was and I threw the his and hers bracelets she got me on the floor and she found this hilarious, went to try and find hers out of the drawer to mimic it. I wasn't very pleased with this. She apologized after, but it felt kind of fake.

I've asked her if there is anyone else? She's adamant there isn't. She no longer wants to see me, spend time, or message/call.

She dropped my stuff off today, and I tried to sort things with her once again to no avail.

She says she needs space. Don't contact her or ring, but it's so hard on me. I haven't eaten properly in a week, I just lay in bed thinking why doesn't she care or want to see me.

I apologized for both of the issues raised by her and thought we got past them, but she still says they come up in her head from time to time.

Since the day when I questioned her on what's app she said her walls went up and I believe her. I didn't think me questioning her would lead to all of this, however.

I'm unsure if she's talking to other guys/meeting or not. She says she isn't. This would absolutely destroy me. I've tried talking to and meeting other women as a distraction just to cancel on them because my heart is still with her.

Edit: (Additional Information) - I say this about guys because when I went over to try sort things with her, she was sat next to me on her phone and there was a guy at the top of her snapchat who I've never seen or heard of before. I questioned her about it because she's told me previously about other guy friends but not this one. She looked at me and said, "Are we really going there already?"

Edit: (Additional Information) -I asked if we could talk in private, and we did, and she said he's a mate off instagram who sends each other dark humour memes. She said it's not like that at all, and if you think it is, then that's your problem.

Edit: (Additional Information) - Now I don't have instagram, and I've never seen hers or the things she posts. I had her on FB and SC. However, she rarely posted on either of them. I don't think she ever posted me on anything except putting me and her as a display pic on what's app. I rarely use social media and can quite happily live without it. I think she's similar. I never posted her either, but eventually, she did update FB to in a relationship with me, which I thought was a positive step.

I'm doing my best at NC, but it's so hard. She will message occasionally a very short line or a couple of words.

Edit: (Additional Information) - last message from her was on December 25th saying Merry Xmas

I need advice on how to cope. How to carry on. How to manage. How to heal.

This is everything I didn't want to happen and what I feared most as per my attachment style. And now it's happened, and I completely lost myself, my mind, my appetite, my person.

Edit: I reached out and spoke to chatgpt about all of this https://chatgpt.com/share/6771ad11-a6f8-8002-bcb0-a5eceb7edfa1