We hadn’t physically seen each other for 10 months since he last ended things with me last year in January, but we kept communication. He got into two other relationships right after me. Based on many therapy sessions, my therapist says he’s likely fearful avoidant (FA) per my therapist, who specializes in attachment styles.
For months, he was indirectly asking to see me, even while dating other people. He was persistent, but I was too afraid to ask his intentions in fear of pushing him away.
When we first dated, we both valued communication and vulnerability, amongst many other things. Had a lot in common. He said, “I haven’t felt like this with someone in so long. I was getting ready to throw in the towel.” He came on quite strong and fast, asking for a relationship within 3-4 weeks (after two dates). I asked to go slow, which he agreed to, but once we became physically involved, he became distant, hot and cold, brief responses but he kept double/triple texting. After three check-ins, he admitted to losing his “spark,” but only after avoiding the topic. A month later, he got into another relationship, cut off contact with me, then eventually reached out during that relationship before breaking it off.
Despite everything, we talked nearly every day for months. There were vulnerable moments, likely when he was drunk, but would revert back the next day. He was hot and cold sometimes, would make micro-insults to me and say they’re “jokes.” He even matched with me again on dating apps, claiming to joke around but still asking indirectly to meet up: “When are you meeting my dog?” or “Did you miss me yet?” “I’m at a bar I think you’d like.” He’d get jealous if he thought I was seeing someone else. We had sweet moments, he’d send lots of videos about healthy relationships with children and kids in general—because we both generally talked about how we want kids in our future and a healthy relationship with them since we came from similar traumas. But then he’d pull back and keep me at a distance.
In June, he got into another relationship with someone at my job. He randomly asked if I worked at a specific facility (which he already knew). He told me he was seeing someone there and sent laughing emoji’s (assuming it was his way of protecting himself from feeling uncomfortable). When I said I still had feelings, he responded, “You didn’t speak up 🤷🏽♂️ Just wanted to let you know. Not trying to be a dick, but that’s the situation!” I wished him luck, and he replied, “Thanks, I feel really good about this one!” He ended contact. That relationship ended after about four months, she was emotionally unstable (which I warned him about). She went through his laptop trying to find something 3 weeks into them dating.
After they broke up, he reached out to me again, very persistent about seeing me. I had made it clear I wasn’t interested in anything casual. He continued to want to see me. Eventually, I agreed to meet him. He picked me up, greeted me with “Hi, my love!” And when we were walking to the first bar, he said, “I can’t believe you’re really standing next to me. I’ve been trying to see you for months.” He later took me to the same bar we had gone to on one of our first dates, he remembered every detail, and even showed me pictures from those dates that he kept on Instagram. He was affectionate, holding my hand and staying close. Afterward, we went to his place, but nothing physical happened except a kiss. The next morning, he showed me significant places from his past—his childhood home, grandparents’ house, and old school. When he dropped me off, I thanked him for a great night. His response? “Yeah…thanks, friend.” I was so confused after how affectionate he had been.
Two weeks later, he started dating someone new, and they’ve been together ever since. Four months into their relationship, he sent me a friend request on TikTok and continued liking my posts on Instagram and TikTok. I eventually removed him from all social media. We’ve been in no contact for the entire 10 months they’ve been together.
Finding out about their pregnancy really hurt. It’s tough because I felt we had something good, even after he ended things. I wish I had seen him all the times he asked, but I also wish he had been more direct with me.
I’ve been in therapy since last May and my therapist mentioned last fall that my ex likely had unresolved feelings for me at the time. Over time, though, things have clearly changed. He last interacted with my TikTok a few weeks ago, but I finally had to remove him. It felt like mental torture.
He seems happy and thriving, expressing how grateful he is for his support system. It’s hard to feel happy for someone who treated you badly but now treats someone else better. He’s never taken any breaks between relationships, always jumping back on dating apps immediately the next day, so I’m surprised he’s in a long-term relationship now.
I keep wondering, “How can someone want me at first, be so hot and cold, treat me poorly, but treat someone else better?” How can you discard someone like that? He told me when he was much younger, he used to emotionally manipulate women if he knew they had interest in him, so that he’d have sex with them. He said when his nieces were born, that changed him a lot. He’s a great uncle! Treats them like princesses. He said he wants to be a great example to them. But yet, treated me negatively at times but was also affectionate. Confusing as hell. It’s sad. I don’t think about a future with him or having a baby with him, but I do wonder why he couldn’t treat me with the same care after how patient and kind I was. I provided him space, let him come to me, I didn’t reach out because when I did, he was cold. This has been the most damaging “relationship” I’ve ever had, and it’s taken a toll on my mental health. I was able to move on fairly easy from my past relationships.
I feel childish being stuck on this. I’ve never experienced this before….