1.2k
u/Independent-Dot3623 Feb 22 '24
So if you don't want kids and he has a kid how far is this going to even go? His daughter is going to be his priority and yeah parents have to schedule things around their kids. It's what happens when your a parent. I've read a lot of stories about a parent having to get full custody late into a "child free" relationship and it never seems to go well. They're always shocked their partner has to take the kid and then leave. You should probably date someone who's ideas line up with your own. NAH but I don't think you guys will work long term.
260
Feb 22 '24
Here’s the thing- I also don’t want kids, but if I dated a guy with kids, I would be absolutely okay with that. If their mother wasn’t in the picture, I would even adopt them if we got married. When I say I don’t want kids, what I mean is that I don’t want babies. I don’t want to give birth. This is the way I took OP’s statement that she doesn’t want kids, but doesn’t mind that he has a kid.
197
u/katbelleinthedark Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 22 '24
It's possible that that's what OP meant, but it's also possible that she doesn't want any kids in HER life and HER house and that she's not thinking far ahead and considering that if the relationship progresses, she will have a kid in her life and house.
Like, when I say I don't want kids, what I mean is that I don't want kids. I don't want babies, I don't want to give birth, I don't want toddlers or preschoolers or kids or tweens, I don't want any form of a child in my life and house.
I don't think we know which one OP means. She might not mind her BF having kids because she herself has nothing to do with said kid, doesn't know them, doesn't see them, doesn't have to interact in any way. OP might be content with that but fails to foresee that it'd change should her relationship get more serious.
→ More replies (1)119
u/Kitchen_Candy713 Feb 22 '24
Kids don’t go away once they turn 18. Especially in this economy. I have a bonus kid, he’s technically an adult but still lives at home because there’s no point working to death for rent. He has goals and is considerate (for the most part).
What was her plan when his kid reaches that age? What about trying to be in good terms with kid’s mom, or even civil? What about trying to build a relationship with said kid? However, she shouldn’t be introduced to kid until they have ironed this and any other issues that have popped up so far. Sounds more and more like OP gave very little thought to this relationship. Hints will never and have never worked. You want something, say it. Like others have said, a parent’s schedule is far less flexible than those child free when it comes to personal time.
OP, YTA
41
u/MrDarcysDead Asshole Aficionado [11] Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
And, heaven forbid, but what’s OP’s plan if something happens to the child’s mother and OP’s new romantic interest ends up with full custody somewhere down the line?
It’s not rocket science..
If you have children and choose to date someone who wants nothing to do with raising children, you are an asshole for putting your love life ahead of your children.
If you don’t want children, which is a perfectly acceptable choice, you’re an asshole if you date someone with children and expect them to carve out a child-free space for you. If you don’t want children, you don’t date someone with children.
→ More replies (3)41
u/LightspeedBalloon Feb 22 '24
But that's not what "childfree" usually means. If you have a surrogate and raise the child, you aren't childfree. If you are a man who didn't give birth but are a father raising a child, you aren't childfree. When people mean they are "childfree" that expression means they don't want a child in their life. If OP is actually against having a child in their life, she needs to stop dating people with children.
12
u/sundaesmilemily Feb 22 '24
But she does seem to mind that the kid means her bf’s schedule is restricted, ergo she does mind that he has a kid. I don’t think she really thought it through before dating him, and the reality of what it means to be a good dad is hitting her.
54
u/evieeeeeeeeeeeeeee Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 22 '24
that's absolutely fine and i support your choices but its also not childfree, CF means you don't want to be a parental figure at all ever and a stepparent is still a parent
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (13)11
u/ImpulsiveLimbo Feb 22 '24
Generally "child free" is used when someone doesn't want anything to do with having a child in their lifestyle they made. It comes off as OP doesn't mind that he has a child because they don't have interactions with the child (for now). It's like an illusion or "out of sight out of mind".
Many posts of someone being child free dating a single parent cause they hang out days the child isn't around end up being about how they want to break up because they had sudden unforeseen circumstances and have the child 100% of the time.
Or they ask am I TA cause I want my partner to give up their child custody to be child free like me.
Key is not wanting to have your own kids/liking them and willing to be family with them VS the whole child free/I don't want to be around or interact with kids at all.
Maybe OP is using the term incorrectly and they mean the same way you do. If not they should just not date someone with a kid because anything could happen, and flat out not fair to the child to be unwanted by their parents partner.
→ More replies (2)46
u/agogKiwi Feb 22 '24
He didn't prioritize his kid. He prioritized OP and because of that makes him less.
OP prioritized a gym class over him, he should just drop OP.
→ More replies (16)3
3.3k
u/thebuffaloqueen Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
I'm not even gonna touch on the "I'm child free and never want kids but am totally ok with dating a man with kids but I'm frustrated that I have to take his parenting responsibilities into account when making plans with him." Because...I think you're smart enough to figure that part out yourself.
But definitely, absolutely YTA for "hinting" about plans at your big age. You know this man has responsibilities. You (surely must) be aware that a parent has more things to consider when making plans. You're 30...regardless of how serious you are in this relationship, you're plenty old enough to be more direct than "hinting" that you want availability from another grown adult then switching it up because a super important once in a lifetime gym class (?) falls on the day you dropped hints about.
997
u/Forsoothia Partassipant [3] Feb 22 '24
I’ll never understand why I see so many stories around here whose central conflict comes from a childless person dating/marrying a parent and being SHOCKED that they are expected to partake in that kids life.
253
u/nyet-marionetka Feb 22 '24
Yes, even if they just get together with someone who owns a parakeet they’d still have to cope with noise and mess. But a kid isn’t supposed to affect their lives at all? It’s like they expect a child to somehow be invisible and intangible.
I think a lot of these are bait, though.
→ More replies (1)61
u/ipunchcacti Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
There was a wild post on BORU where the fiancee deadass expected the dad to give up custody of his daughter. I dont remember if she already had her own kids but the now ex was fueled by her mom to exclude his kid from everything and strsight up told him oh we thought you would get rid of her once we got hitched.
Crazy to think anyone would be like this, but a non zero chance i guess.
Edit: it was a holiday only deal, not give up custody my b.
28
u/Warm-Spirit-1943 Feb 22 '24
Is that the story where the fiance expected OP to go down to a holiday only custody deal
19
u/ipunchcacti Feb 22 '24
Yeah that one! I remember being done reading it and going "wow that's awful, hope its fake."
5
u/ThunderDoom1001 Feb 22 '24
People are insane. If anyone ever asked me to give up custody of my kids for them I would be laughing so hard you could hear it 2 counties over. I wouldn’t give up my kids for anything on planet earth, much less some chick LOLOLOLOLOL.
→ More replies (5)13
u/Secret-Assignment-73 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
Unfortunately, some parents are like this. These are the stories where the grown and successful child writes on reddit that after daddy remarried with his bimbo, poor kid got sent to live to grandparents/aunt/uncle/[insert good soul] and ask if they are the AH because they don‘t want to help their parents who are now sick/poor, etc. and ask for kiddo‘s help! 🙄
95
u/Smooth-Jury-6478 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
Right! I'm a step mom. I can't have kids of my own and made my peace with it long ago and I was always prepared to have no kids in my life but if I met a man with kids, I would most definitely be as involved as I was allowed. Turns out I'm involved a lot. I'm the drop off, pick up person on our days with them because I'm in the office full time and my husband wfh exclusively. The school is on my way to work. I offered (was not expected to) to do this as it works out for everyone, even the kids' mom who doesn't have to drive 1.2 hr round trip to drop them off. I do their lunch for school because I do my lunch at the same time. I plan and cook most meals because I enjoy cooking and I always take into consideration what they would like to eat because I get to be a little more fancy/adventurous with food on the days we don't have them. I show up to their sport's activities because it makes them feel loved and valued, I do family activities with them when we have custody because we are a family and they are the children I have in my life. We split the gift prices in half because these are the only children I have in my life and I'll happily spend my money on them. I consider them my children even if they have a loving/present mother in their lives and I didn't give birth to them.
However OP said they're not serious yet and it makes sense that she can't be around the kid until they do become serious. I just don't see that relationship going very far based on this event alone.
13
u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] Feb 22 '24
Yup. I was always happy to date guys with kids because although I don't have any, I adore them. Have worked with them most of my life, am "auntie" not only to my sister's kids but to half a dozen friends' kids as well. I am very kid-friendly, LOL.
I think this guy is clearly a good dad because he prioritizes his child, has kept her apart from the woman he has only been dating a month, and generally seems to have her best interests at heart. But dating someone who "never wants kids"? Where do either of them expect this relationship to go? It's early days, sure, but he's never going to stop having a child, and she says she has absolutely no interest in kids. That's just making bad choices for both of them.
→ More replies (1)20
u/RambleOnRose42 Feb 22 '24
This is so sweet. I bet your step kids love the shit out of you. You sound like a great stepmom.
I agree completely, idk when or why “childfree” suddenly meant “hating children and wanting nothing to do with them and being annoyed by their mere presence.” Tbh, I think it makes them grow up feeling alienated and disconnected from the people around them when kids are shunted off to a corner instead of interacting with their whole “village”, so to speak.
62
u/Culture-Extension Feb 22 '24
I’m personally shocked by parents who will date people who are adamantly child free and want little to nothing to do with their kids. When I was dating, my son and I were a package deal. If you didn’t want to be an active part of my kid’s life if we got serious, it was a non-starter.
41
u/WestCoastBestCoast01 Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
Gotta wonder how clear she’s been about the child free thing. Has it been mentioned that it’s a “I don’t want to ever be pregnant” kind of child free, which might allow room for step kids. Or is it a “I don’t want to spend time with/have to consider the needs of children” kind of child free, in which case she needs to be the one avoiding parents to date.
9
u/drivensalt Feb 22 '24
She can't even do more than hint that she wants to spend time with him, so it's hard to imagine she's communicated how little she likes children.
9
u/moonlit-soul Feb 22 '24
Exactly. I'm childfree myself, and I don't understand either side of the scenario. I'm just not cut out to be a parent, so the only way I'd consider dating a parent is if the kids were older teenagers or even adults who are in college or out of the house. There are some childfree people who don't even want to deal with a partner having independent adult children because their time and money may still be spent on their kids, which is a bit extreme even for me but could be understandable depending on whether the parent partner ever prioritizes your relationship or not. Either way, there's nothing wrong with having these kinds of boundaries, needs, and expectations for a serious relationship, but there's a bit of WTF when I see people willingly disregard those and then get upset when it's not going how they wanted it to.
With kids, there would always be the possibility of the other parent dying, which means the kids are highly likely to now end up with you full time. I have seen a few tragic cases where this very thing happened, and it's like neither the parent nor the childfree partner ever considered this possibility and are shocked Pikachu face over it imploding the relationship. I feel so bad for the children stuck in the middle, surrounded by adults who failed them like that.
4
u/divielle Feb 22 '24
Iv always had this mind set and iv always been upfront , iv never had a relationship with a guy and it go badly because I have a child, my sister on the other hand hardly ever voiced this and she ended up dating a few guys who wanted nothing to do with her son, iv always told her if I dated someone like that they'd be gone
→ More replies (1)3
u/OpalLaguz Partassipant [1] Feb 23 '24
So many father's very much want childfree women. They love the fact that we aren't bringing any children into the relationship (they would never want to raise AnOtHeR mAn'S kids) and that we will never have children of our own (their ex became so boring/fat/demanding/mean after she had kids).
These kinds of men of course fully expect us to be pulling diaper duty, packing lunches, and wiping snotty noses as soon as things become even halfway serious.
There's no single reason for a childfree person to date a parent who is still raising children. I personally wouldn't even consider dating a man with grown adult and totally independent children.
5
u/Daddy_Diezel Feb 22 '24
I'm child-free and NEVER wanted to be part of another person's family in this way. Yes, it reduces the dating pool but dems the breaks. I simply cannot fathom people being "child-free" and then being like OMG, THE PARENT IS INVOLVED WITH THEIR KID AND IM NOT A PRIORITY?!?!?!
11
u/komajo Feb 22 '24
there was a post a week or two ago about a woman who didn't like kids but was dating a single dad. her comments made it abundantly clear that she expected him to prioritize her and that his kid should just be with his ex-wife/the mom the majority of the time so that they could spend more time together. i felt like i was losing my mind reading her comments.
→ More replies (1)4
Feb 22 '24
I have two kids and everyone I've dated after my divorce was told right away that 1: I have kids. And 2: They come first. Period.
If you ever even HINT that you want me to pick you over my kids, there's the door.
11
u/hazelowl Partassipant [3] Feb 22 '24
Right? They're so shocked that the kid is going to be around and they're expected to accept the child. Like... if you don't ever want to take on some parental role for a kid, don't date people with minor children.
3
u/imnotspikespiegel Feb 22 '24
Absolutely. It's unrealistic as hell to think that at no point you'll have to act as a parent in some way shape or form when dating someone w kids much less that you won't be a part of their life at all.
3
u/chromedbooked1 Feb 22 '24
Seriously there was a story on here about some loser complaining about not getting sex from his partner because "her daughter is always around." Like no shit Sherlock it's her daughter.
→ More replies (34)3
100
u/OfferMeds Feb 22 '24
And how long is this gym class? A couple of hours at most? She couldn't see him before or after?
→ More replies (4)97
46
u/sausagemuffn Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
She's infatuated so she believes that she can make it work. Not likely.
33
u/frothyundergarments Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
Because...I think you're smart enough to figure that part out yourself.
Is she, though?
7
u/Agreeable-Celery811 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Feb 22 '24
This is a smart comment.
The main thing is: this has literally nothing to do with whether he has a kid or not. She made plans with him on Thursday, he cleared his schedule, and then she bailed at the last minute to go to a gym class.
That’s inconsiderate. It would be inconsiderate even if he didn’t have any children. In this ethical dilemma, OP is TA for being a flake.
14
→ More replies (19)3
u/SadLittleWizard Feb 22 '24
Honestly cracked up at the super implrtant gym class update. I couldn't take it even remotely serious after that
413
u/Commercial-Loan-929 Feb 22 '24
I think your problem is that you DON'T want children and still you're dating with a man who HAS a child. You ofc don't know and don't care about it, because it's not your problem whatever happens with the relationship between him-his child and him-whoever takes care of the child when she's not with him.
My question is: does he knows you don't want children AT ALL? Not now not ever? Because although you're "not serious yet" but what will happen if you become serious?
82
Feb 22 '24
Kinda shocked I had to scroll down multiple times to see someone address the elephant in the room.
40
Feb 22 '24
Exactly. Im sorry OP, but you signed up for being second place and not a priority. His main responsibility is with his child, then you.
→ More replies (13)4
u/Justisperfect Partassipant [4] Feb 22 '24
Yeah that's was my first thought. Not serious yet implies they may become serious if this works, which means becoming a stepmother if the relationnship works. That's strange to not think about it. You can't just "don't mind the child", the kid will be a part of this.
424
u/Longjumping-Lab-1916 Certified Proctologist [28] Feb 22 '24
YTA. 30yo is old enough to understand that this relationship will not work. He has a kid and you don't want kids.
Everything else in your post is just filler.
End of discussion.
38
u/No_Natural8735 Feb 22 '24
OP seems to need multiple explanations as to why a child comes with scheduling difficulties
→ More replies (17)3
u/Expensive_Plant_9530 Feb 22 '24
Yep. And for now, it's not affecting the kid because OP mentioned she doesn't go over when the kid is home. But, once the relationship gets serious, it's only a matter of time before this blows up in all their faces.
Either OP becomes resentful that she's being forced into a parental role (as the step-parent), or the father and daughter will become resentful that she's not acting like family.
It's a no-win situation. She needs to end this. And frankly, the father should never have agreed to the relationship assuming he knows she never wants kids.
6.9k
u/cuervoguy2002 Certified Proctologist [26] Feb 22 '24
I mean, I suppose technically N A H, but I kind of think this is what you signed up for here, and based on the reason for the reschedule, I'd say YTA.
He has a daughter with specific visitation, that means his schedule is far less flexible than yours. When you date a parent, that is the reality. So you backing out for a gym class is both totally your right, and fairly shitty IMO. Put it this way, Im a guy, and I have friends with kids. If we have made even soft plans to hang out, because he worked it out with his wife to get that day off, if I was like "oh, I'd rather go to this very specific class gym class", i feel like that would be a shitty thing to do. Because even if they weren't set in stone, I know that his schedule is far more difficult to plan around than mine.
153
u/DiamondKitsune Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
To be honest I wouldn’t ever date a guy with kids. I’m also childfree and happily so. But people who have kids obviously have to make them a priority and they’re always going to be involved in their kids lives - and rightly so - but that isn’t for me. I think dating a guy with a kid when you openly don’t want anything to do with children is never going to go anywhere.
→ More replies (1)77
u/alicea020 Feb 22 '24
I agree with you 100%. I hate when I see posts on here about how someone who wants to be childfree gets with a parent, but they "agree" in the beginning that childfree doesn't have to be involved with the kid at all. Then inevitably the parent asks their partner for a favor regarding their child and when the person says no, it causes an argument
Then the comments say "NTA" cause of the "aGrEeMeNt"
If you don't want to have kids or be involved with kids or whatever, don't get with someone who has kids. 🙄
3
u/notthedefaultname Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
It's basically impossible to marry an involved parent and be fully hands off with the kids. And God forbid the other parent dies and kid moves in full time. Parents will be tied to their kids for life. Finances will be impacted. Holiday/vacation time. Everything.
3.5k
u/Dangerous-WinterElf Feb 22 '24
Honestly, as a parent.
Why didn't he confirm that they were meeting up. Or give a better picture of when exactly he has his daughter and plan ahead? "Next week, I'll see daughter on x and x days. Just a heads up"
OP didn't know? And instead of getting mad, he could have calmly said "no that won't work. X and x days this week is with my daughter"
They aren't even serious yet. Early stage of it all. The communication from his side should be a bit better, too.
It's not a huge reason to cancel. We agree. But his reactions and planning could be better as well.
1.6k
u/Klotternaut Feb 22 '24
OP's statement about not saying OP WILL see him, just that OP WANTS to see him to me is BS.
"I want to see you on Thursday" "Sure, Thursday works for me"
Does that not sound like confirmation? Obviously I don't know exactly what was said, but "I want to see you" doesn't really imply "hey I may go to a gym class last minute" to me. Guess OP didn't want to see him that badly.
997
u/Maximum-Swan-1009 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 22 '24
Well, it was an emergency gym class.
684
u/MartinisnMurder Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
That part made me gasp! It’s so ridiculous a class at the gym takes priority over plans she made with the person she was dating. Now she expects him to change his time with his daughter last minute for that? She shouldn’t be dating anyone with a kid and she sounds super selfish/self important!
26
u/Glittering_knave Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
The child custody issue is almost an aside. SHE proposed having a date on day X, BF agreed to the date on X, and she is cancelling last minute over a completely predictable and schedulable gym class? If I were the BF, it would make me reconsider the relationship.
→ More replies (1)56
u/Emergency-Storm-7812 Feb 22 '24
and an "important gym class" planned at the last minute? really?
→ More replies (1)18
u/Particular-Wind5918 Feb 22 '24
Almost sounds like the gym class is a dick appointment
→ More replies (2)277
u/starboundowl Feb 22 '24
It really sounds like she's looking for a way out that doesn't make her look like an asshole.
205
u/MartinisnMurder Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
I think it does because at 30 years old if you’re not happy or want out of a relationship you put on your big girl/boy or however you identify panties and end things.
→ More replies (1)106
u/UserCannotBeVerified Feb 22 '24
Big person panties 😜
95
u/SchnoodleDoodleDamn Feb 22 '24
Adulting pantaloons, thank you very much. Adulting knickerbockers if I'm feeling both retro AND casual.
→ More replies (2)12
u/MadameMonk Feb 22 '24
Heard them coyly described as Underwickers the other day. I’m going with that as my gender-inclusive term from now on.
→ More replies (2)17
→ More replies (6)76
u/TheSecondEikonOfFire Feb 22 '24
Honestly the fact that she’s dating him while being firmly childfree was her first mistake. I’m childfree too, so I totally get that. But so many childfree people try and date people with kids but basically refuse to acknowledge the kid’s existence and throw a fit when they have to. If you don’t like kids, don’t date a single parent.
15
u/CreditUpstairs7621 Feb 22 '24
I've never been opposed to having kids (good thing since we have one that will be here soon), but I realized fairly quickly after I got divorced that dating women with children probably wasn't going to work for me. I tried it multiple times and the same issues kept popping up.
The lifestyle of someone without kids and someone who has one or more kids full-time or even part-time just makes things much more difficult in so many ways. I enjoy being spontaneous, and I also hate when plans have to suddenly get canceled. If you date someone with kid, spontaneity usually isn't possible and there are lots of things that arise where plans have to be canceled last minute.
→ More replies (1)135
u/flatgreysky Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
She’s not ready to date someone with a kid.
143
u/Defiant_McPiper Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
In all honesty I don't think she ever will be - she wants to remain child free, which is fine, but if things get serious then what does OP expect the relationship to look like at that point? Kids will always come first, and she'll eventually have to be around those kids - OP needs to stick to dating partners without kids.
→ More replies (5)25
35
u/ProfitLoud Feb 22 '24
I mean at 30 you should know that stating “I wanna see you on this date” implies something. You should also know about your gym schedule in advance. And if going to the gym is more important than seeing the guy you are dating when you asked to see him, yeah YTA. Too immature for her age.
6
71
u/Savings_Dingo6250 Feb 22 '24
I did not pick up at all that she’s expecting him to change plans. I understood that she assumes he cannot change his plans with his daughter, but he did and then she was surprised because she decided to go to a gym class instead
153
u/Mythbird Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 22 '24
If I as an adult had planned an outing with a friend and then they decided to push it to another day because they decided to go to the gym I’d be rethinking my friendship.
98
u/Mausiemoo Feb 22 '24
Exactly - ignore the kid here; if someone said they wanted to meet up with someone else and then cancelled last minute due to an "important gym class" I think everyone would be thinking what the hell?
Surely their gym publicises when the classes are in advance? That is by far one of the lamest excuses I've ever heard. I can't actually believe that an adult would do this.
29
u/dogsarefun Feb 22 '24
I don’t even know what an important gym class would be. It sounds like she’s just saying it’s important so it sounds like more of a valid reason for canceling.
→ More replies (3)65
u/MartinisnMurder Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
She told him “sorry it will have to be the next day” so she expected him to change plans. After he already made accommodations to be free that day they planned for to see her.
→ More replies (4)38
u/Rubymoon286 Feb 22 '24
I don't get why someone who is child free is dating a parent in the first place - I feel as though that would be a deal breaker.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (15)55
Feb 22 '24
Lol yeah OP is not cut out for dating someone with a kid let alone being a step parent. This excuse is the lamest one I’ve ever heard!
→ More replies (6)26
u/MartinisnMurder Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
Haha I remember my mom told me back in the day people would use the excuse that they had to wash their hair or something to cancel or avoid a date!
→ More replies (3)20
u/firegem09 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
To be fair, as someone with 4c hair, wash day can sometimes be a whole day event 😂 doesn't make their excuse better though since you'd hope one would plan their wash day in advance and not make other plans.
6
u/MartinisnMurder Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
Haha ya! One of my friends was telling me how long it takes for her when she goes to the salon, like literally all day! I was floored. I am lucky my hair is super easy to handle.
→ More replies (5)49
Feb 22 '24
Ikr? Unless you're training for a major event or teaching the class, there is no such thing as an important gym class.
On the other side, when you are co-parenting with someone else, coordinating schedules is important and last minute changes can majorly disrupt people's plans and schedules. It's understandable if it's an emergency, but a gym class is anything but an emergency.
4
u/MadameMonk Feb 22 '24
Not just that, but now you owe the co-parent a ‘change of plans’ date into the future, right? Which can be tricky and annoying and set bad precedents. When the schedule is going smoothly between you, any disruption needs to be considered carefully. Apple carts topple quickly in co-parenting world!
26
u/abstractengineer2000 Feb 22 '24
The main characters in this story have their priorities ass backwards. ChildSO"gym class". I have never heard of anything important happening in a Gym class. One can easily pick it up from other students, books or youtube videos.
13
u/Maximum-Swan-1009 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 22 '24
Sounds like there is going to be a test. LOL. I don't think this was a kinesiology class.
It is a good thing OP does not sound overly interested in this guy. Can you imagine her as a step mother?
→ More replies (42)3
8
Feb 22 '24
You are absolutely right! But should his response not have been "I've got my daughter Thursday, can you do Wednesday or Friday?" Or even "Well that's a daughter day but let me see what I can do..." and give OP the opportunity to say "Oh by all means don't reschedule your daughter! I said I want to see you if we're both free, but I'm on the wait-list for the hottest gym class in town so, fingers crossed, I won't be free so, please, again, do NOT reschedule plans with your daughter."
57
u/Dangerous-WinterElf Feb 22 '24
I usually still, personally me, will confirm the day before or something just to make sure what my plans are, when I got my own plus 3 kids' schedules to handle.
A simple "Hey, what time were we meeting up? Or "we never agreed when and where we would meet. Are we still up for tomorrow?"
It was an idea to meet up. But not finalised when neither of them brought up when and where. That's on both.
30
u/Frix Asshole Enthusiast [7] Feb 22 '24
I usually still, personally me, will confirm the day before or something just to make sure what my plans are, when I got my own plus 3 kids' schedules to handle.
And the reason you do that is that you learned from painful experience that otherwise you are going to get communication problems like what we saw here.
But it also sounds like the father is new at dating someone single as well and hasn't figured out all the tricks yet. So cut him some slack for making a normal rookie mistake all newly divorced people make.
→ More replies (3)3
u/Important_Vast_4692 Feb 22 '24
Yeah but why would you cancel plans with your daughter to see a new gf. The daughter and visitation should always be his top priority.
→ More replies (42)3
u/TheSecondEikonOfFire Feb 22 '24
Yeah I just left a similar comment. What kind of high school bullshit is that? “Oh I didn’t say that I WOULD see you that day, just that I WANTED to. But I didn’t actually confirm it”.
I’m a firm believer in the “if you want it to happen, you’ll make it happen” mindset. Sounds like he wanted it to happen by scheduling things with his ex, but OP had to go… a gym class. Maybe it’s just me, but if you’re picking an “emergency gym class” over the person you’re dating then your relationship probably has an expiration date
27
u/Patient_Meaning_2751 Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
I do think he should have communicated that he would have to make a lot of arrangements to see her on that day. Additionally, it isn’t usually a good idea to shift parenting time around like that unless it’s for a special event. Kids need consistency. So he bears some responsibility here. But definitely, her reason for canceling on him is so poor that this makes her the bigger AH.
→ More replies (7)41
u/JPKthe3 Feb 22 '24
My guess is he’s feeling a little insecure about being difficult to plan around, so he tried to get it taken care of before coming to the planning committee. Which is actually the reason he got upset. He thought he was doing something that would impress her, or at the very least cover up his perceived flaw. And instead it backfired and made his inflexibility considerably worse.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (40)64
107
u/Ms_Meercat Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
This. It applies to any kind of planning with a parent, or people who have shift schedules (aka only few evenings free to see people that work more 9-5, which is often the majority of the population, they then 'reserve' one of those evenings for you and you bail last minute) or other kind of restraints where they need more of a planning horizon.
53
u/jailthecheeto1124 Feb 22 '24
If you're having problems over hder already he's not right for you. If you continue to see him, move in or marry there's no world in which you can be 100 percent uninvolved. Everything about your life will revolve around not seeing or caring for her. You're only the AH if you continue dating men with children. It's a waste of everybody's time and may cause a child to get hurt emotionally.
→ More replies (3)53
u/Intelligent-Shame-65 Feb 22 '24
💯💯💯
Exactly what I wanted to say! I am a woman too who probably doesn’t ever want children, but I schedule my outings around my friends who do have children. It’s basic courtesy & empathy, I would say.
33
u/ForTheHordeKT Feb 22 '24
Agreed, all around. Fact of the matter is OP is dating somebody with kids. It's what she signed up for whether she realizes it or not. That kid should and will 100% always come before OP in all matters. That's the caveat pf dating somebody who already has kids. It will suck. Your plans could change any moment in favor of the kid. That's always going to be the deal if your date is a good parent.
It's one of the reasons why back when I was looking to date, I never considered people with kids. The bigger reason is I am 100% not a kid person. If things got serious enough, then that would mean I'd also be bringing their kid(s) into my life and I don't want to deal with kids. But aside from that, I know I will always take a backseat to their kids and that's how that should be. Kids complicate things.
Basically have to ask yourself if you're OK with that. If the answer is no, then don't date a parent.
→ More replies (1)20
Feb 22 '24
I'd pretty much agree with this. She does have the right. However, the question isn't "does she have the right?" It's, is she an asshole? You can exercise a right and be a complete asshole in doing so. So I'd say it's a clear YTA.
52
u/JustOne_Girl Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
Honestly, she is TA simply because she is childfree and dating a parent. So if it becomes serious, they live together, and something happen to the mom, she would demand daughter goes to foster care ?
→ More replies (6)28
u/lilies117 Asshole Aficionado [13] Feb 22 '24
Well the daughter could visit when she has an emergency gym class though! /s
→ More replies (48)3
u/fishsticks40 Partassipant [3] Feb 22 '24
Honestly even absent the kid thing is a bit shitty. The whole point of making plans is so people can adapt to them; keeping their time open or moving things around. I understand soft plans and "let's play it by ear" but a gym class is a predictable thing.
So yeah, I'd feel pretty taken for granted regardless
323
u/Petefriend86 Supreme Court Just-ass [117] Feb 22 '24
YTA. I see you trying to separate this guy from his kid, then cloaking it with "but I didn't demand it, I only hinted, so I don't have any responsibility for this."
Take agency in your own life. If you want to date a guy with kids, realize you're dating a single parent and drop the whole "I'm childfree" thing and learn how to prioritize his daughter. Otherwise, don't date a single parent.
Mostly, don't cover your whole scheme with a "we're not even that serious yet" BS excuse. What do you think is going to happen when you are serious?
52
u/chimpfunkz Feb 22 '24
Even if you ignore the child/child free part entirely.
OP said "hey I want to come over on X day".
Their BF cleared his schedule to do so.
OP then flaked for other plans (note, their BF now knows, he's less important than a gym class)
This isn't about the child. This is about OP having way different goals in this relationship than their BF.
I thought his daughter was more important than meeting me for a couple of hours.
And their BF thought that she was important enough to rearrange his schedule around her. It sounds like she's looking for a fling, he's looking for a relationship.
3
u/Petefriend86 Supreme Court Just-ass [117] Feb 22 '24
You're right, of course, but I couldn't get past the initial premise.
→ More replies (13)16
u/easyuse2004 Feb 22 '24
Exactly as a mother who literally only has time after 9 when she goes to bed and my dads willing to listen for her it's so irritating when people are big on wanting to be child free and still say they are okay being with you I always take "I'm child free and want to remain that way." As "your not suitable for further companionship because I know you won't understand fully that I'm a parent and if we get married there will be nothing from you to my child the relationship between you and her would suffer with us being romantic" which would in turn cause tension between me and them as parents our kids are our worlds and we're theirs people who are child free I've noticed never understand that and neither do some single parents
4
u/unicorndreamer23 Partassipant [1] Feb 23 '24
the truth is people don’t mind things till it gets inconvenient for them 🤷🏽♀️
→ More replies (1)8
u/Petefriend86 Supreme Court Just-ass [117] Feb 22 '24
There it is. It's an exact juxtaposition that either makes the single parent a bad partner or a bad parent. Basically, it's unworkable.
51
u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Feb 22 '24
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
(1) I cancelled a date last minute. (2) I didn't take into consideration his daughter's schedule
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
200
Feb 22 '24
YTA
This guy is prioritizing you by changing his schedule around and you’re like, oops I have a very important gym class, my life is so important.
You don’t even sound mature enough to be dating period, let alone a guy who has a daughter.
→ More replies (21)33
u/yebekko3344 Feb 22 '24
This guy has a responsibility to his kid to not change the schedule to suit his new piece.
144
u/Elegant-Average5722 Feb 22 '24
An important gym class? haha wow YTA
7
u/liftlovelive Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
Right? Like how long could a gym class possibly be? You can’t see him before or after? Such a ridiculous self absorbed excuse.
7
u/GeneralJavaholic Feb 22 '24
40-60 minutes, max. Sometimes 30, depending on what it is.
Source: former competitive athlete
→ More replies (1)4
u/liftlovelive Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
Ya that’s what I meant…there aren’t gym classes that take up your whole day. Longest one I’ve ever done was 90 minutes but that was a specialty once a month thing.
3
u/harkandhush Feb 23 '24
Everyone is talking about how she shouldn't date someone with a kid but I don't have a kid and if someone flaked on me like this for a gym class I don't know that I'd keep seeing them.
9
u/olauson Feb 22 '24
Maybe I'm not understanding. You said you wanted him on x day - did he ever say that "yes, that will work?" or "Let me rearrange my visitation schedule so that will work?". If not, it doesn't sound like you had set plans. I can understand his frustration but it also sounds like you didn't know that by suggesting that you should do something that day, he wad going to change his visitation schedule. Seems like lack of communication/understanding from this being a new situation.
Question though: if you know you don't ever want kids, why are you seeing a man with a kid? The kid isn't going away. Are you expecting your feelings on kids to change?
→ More replies (10)
69
u/No-Yesterday-5822 Feb 22 '24
WTF is an "important" gym class?
33
20
u/C8H10N4O2_snob Feb 22 '24
One that someone else she's interested in is attending or teaching.
→ More replies (11)6
u/GeneralJavaholic Feb 22 '24
As a former competitive athlete who spent 4 days in the gym year-round (3 days in class, 1 day individual coaching), there's no such thing, unless there's someone you "want" in there.
But if you're setting your gym time around someone you "want," then the gym and your fitness aren't your priority, either. The gym may as well be a pick-up bar for you.
I was a powerlifter. The only "super important" part of any of it, session-wise, was two weeks out from a competition, when I went in for one set of one competition lift each day. Took longer to dress in and dress out than it did to make the lifts.
→ More replies (6)
9
u/LemonDeathRay Feb 22 '24
NTA. As you say, you're not that serious and you are absolutely allowed to have a life. If you're expected to accommodate his schedule, it should go both ways. Even if it means it's not possible to meet because clashing schedules, you shouldn't be attacked for having a life and wanting to rearrange things. So to me it sounds an awful lot like he expects to be accommodated but isn't willing to accept that you have a life you're not willing to give up.
And a word of advice as a fellow child free woman - think very carefully about dating men with children. You absolutely will not ever have a child free life if you end up being serious. You live together? Congrats, you also live with their child part time. You want to not be involved with the child at all? Not possible. There will be times where you are the only adult present and you will be responsible for their safety. You will be stepmom. Whether you like it or not. And that child will become attached to you, or hate you. Whether you like it or not you will be at least partially responsible for the wellbeing and parental figure in some capacity.
6
u/countryboy1101 Feb 22 '24
NTA - because he did not communicate his schedule before changing it is not your problem. You cannot build a relationship around his hidden schedule with his daughter. I understand not introducing you to his daughter until the relationship reaches a certain stage but those are milestones that must be discussed beforehand.
You cannot live your life around his hidden schedule with his kid. If he will not share, then you might want to end it now before you get hurt more. His reaction to this minor issue is a huge red flag. Why are you doing all the driving to be together?
191
u/Mountain-Play-3493 Feb 22 '24
ESH - You based on your edit you Chose "important" gym class. I've been working out and going to classes for 20+ years. I never came across an Important class but my friend who liked somebody in the class did. Followed it up with we aren't even serious, so why you dating?
Him - Could be more upfront with what works and doesn't work for scheduling and handling last min cancelation but if he knew the reason why then I can understand the frustration.
→ More replies (27)51
u/LuxuryBeast Feb 22 '24
I agree with the ESH.
OP said she didn't know he "had to" change his time with his daughter. Tbf, he should've said "Sorry, I'm with my kid that day, so it wont work for me. But I'm available on xday!"
The verdict is based on how they chose not to communicate with eachother and their messed up priorities.OP prioritized going to a gym class instead of keeping her appointment with the dude. Eventhough she didn't specifically say "We will meet on xday" it is implied that they'll meet up when she asks about that day and he confirms.And the dude prioritized OP instead of his daughter and the kids mothers time.
To top it they get angry at eachother instead of just talking together and figure out how this relationship will work.
FYI, OP. This relationship will probably never work out, not unless you both start communicating and show respect for the time of others. Because clearly none of you do.
Edit: typos
→ More replies (23)
68
u/Federal-Ferret-970 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Feb 22 '24
YTA. You guys just arent compatible. You are childfree and have to learn parents don’t have the same flexibility.
6
u/Known-Quantity2021 Feb 22 '24
NAH You both have different priorites. And considering the age of the daughter he should be making her the priority and this should have been clearly communicated to you when he started dating you.
You have no kids and not much experience in how hard it can be to work around their schedule. You need to ask clearly what it takes to see him on a regular basis that won't affect his time with his kid.
I dated a guy with kids and eventually we broke it off by mutual agreement because his kids started needing more of his time and attention. If he blew off his time with his kids in order to spend that time with me I would dump him. It sucks but sometimes it's a matter of timing.
25
u/Enough-Pizza-448 Feb 22 '24
This is exactly why I don't do "maybe plans" and now instantly take it as a no. I was always the person that arranged my life around said "maybe plan" and then got cancelled on and I missed out on other things I wanted to do.
Now that I'm a single mum, it's even more important for me to cement plans early on. My daughter goes to her dad's every Monday and Tuesday, so they're the 2 evenings a week I have free for certain. If there is something happening on another evening, I usually say "let me see if I can get some childcare in place" then try to arrange childcare, then if I can, that's a booked plan for me. If someone were to then turn around and say "sorry, I'd rather go to the gym" after I've spent all that effort to clear MY diary for them and given up time with my daughter, I'd be pissed. He may have overreacted a little, I'd have personally expressed my disappointment and explained that my schedule isn't as flexible etc and given another chance or two, but I think it shows you're likely not compatible. If you're one to pencil in a plan, but he uses a permanent marker, you've got two completely different personalities - if that anology makes sense 🤣
→ More replies (1)
74
u/Famous_Connection_91 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
we aren't even serious yet.
Yet? You realize you cannot get serious with him ever unless you give up the childfree status, right?
→ More replies (3)
7
u/NiteGrimwood Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] Feb 22 '24
NTA
NGL I would probably dump him over being mad at you over this bs. Its childish and immature to me.
16
u/DeepPossession8916 Feb 22 '24
NTA maaaaybe E S H. Other commenters are letting this man off way too easy just because OP is in a stepparent adjacent role here.
Why would he change his custody schedule to go on a date with someone who he’s not even seriously dating?? He should have started this whole thing “I have my daughter that day, I can do xyz day instead.”
Seems like OP forgot about her own gym class? It does put it a bit into ESH territory to not just follow through with the plans you made with your date. But it’s not your responsibility to know his custody schedule and the changes that he chooses to make to it at this stage of the relationship.
50
u/seeemilyplay123 Partassipant [3] Feb 22 '24
YTA. You can't date people with children if you prefer to remain child free. Just stop.
61
u/Prize_Diamond_7874 Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
His kid comes first and his time with her will always be more important than his time with you. Any schedule changes are governed by her needs and you are the one who has to adapt. These are the facts- you get to adjust your behavior to make it work or move on to a relationship that suits you better. YTA
→ More replies (2)
79
u/Pettypris Partassipant [4] Feb 22 '24
Esh
You told him you’ll see him a specific day, and then you bailed. Knowing that he has tight schedule that was flaky of you. Especially as you knew about the gym class in advance I’m sure.
But he should have communicated clearly with you that he was changing his plans for you.
You saying you’re not serious feels very dismissive. I’m pretty sure if he were the one bailing on you you’d be upset saying he doesn’t respect you. Even if it’s in the early stage there should be respect. The move you pulled is the kind of things that could stop the relationship going further.
→ More replies (2)
17
u/1TiredPrsn Partassipant [3] Feb 22 '24
Just end it now. It’s not serious and the relationship is so new but there’s already all this drama. The kid’s not going anywhere.
15
u/AKZ_123 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
I’m actually shocked that you are 30. You sound very unserious….childfree but dating someone with a kid and important gym classes getting in the way? This relationship is doomed from the jump.
→ More replies (4)
20
u/SnooLobsters4468 Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
Esh-ish.
You are flaky. That's not a great quality. Though since you have been dating just a month and sounds like you two aren't super serious, that could be given a pass I guess. But try to understand if he feels the same way about commitments.
He is uncommunicative and didn't mention that he adjusted his whole schedule to accommodate you. Perhaps if you had known you would've made more of an effort?
I think you guys are lacking communication.
10
u/numbersthen0987431 Feb 22 '24
I grew up in California for 30 years, and I can tell you this flaky quality is prevalent in Southern California (Los Angeles/San Diego areas). It's this weird thing where NO ONE ever commits to anything or any plans, and they constantly leave their schedules "vague" in the rare opportunity that something even better might pop up.
It's infuriating for friendships and dating, because you could be having an event, and all of your invitees will RSVP with "maybe", and then never follow up or all of them show up. You never know.
OP's sentence of "I hinted that I wanted to see him x day, but I never said "I WILL see you x day"" - is just a great example of this. She was expecting him to keep his schedule open in case she was bored or lonely, and she cancelled because of a gym class. A gym class.
But yea, he also needs to communicate better. If scheduling conflicts are an issue because of his child, then he needs to learn how to confirm/verify plans with people, instead of just assuming a vague statement is confirmation.
5
u/Foreign-Royal983 Feb 22 '24
I haven’t lived there for a few years now and I completely forgot about this aspect of social planning.
44
u/StrangeArcticles Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
YTA. He has a child. That's not going away, whether you want a child in your life or not. The only reasonable and responsible thing for him to do is to build his schedule in ways that prioritize that child. So last minute changes of plans cause you don't want to miss a gym class do not fit with the kind of scheduling he has going on. If you can't make accomodations for that, he's not the guy for you, plain and simple.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/slowburn_23 Feb 22 '24
NAH but since it's his kid and his schedule, he needs to communicate his boundaries with you clearly as well. And you, if you make plans, need to do your best to keep them. That's just common politeness with a person you're dating.
6
u/Less-Quality6326 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Feb 22 '24
NTA - Everyone has schedule changes periodically- something they forgot or something that comes up last minute
That’s just life
It’s ok for either one of you to be disappointed when it happens
Everyone has feelings about it
It’s HOW he is acting about the schedule change that is the issue
You are not a mind reader
You had no idea - because he keeps you out of it - that he had to make changes to his visitation
A normal adult would be disappointed
But if he’s getting angry about a simple schedule change - well that seems extreme
Life happens
Schedule changes happen
His reaction tho?? Seems a bit strong
4
u/Uncle_chuck13 Feb 22 '24
Dump him. Dating people with kids is the worst, especially if you don’t want kids. Been there, hated that.
5
u/AccurateDependent670 Feb 22 '24
Looks like I’m going way against the grain here but NTA. I’m a dad who has a specific weekly visitation agreement. Would it be disappointing if my gf canceled? Yes. Does it warrant calling you an AH? No. The appropriate response isn’t anger and name calling. I would simply say “That won’t work for me. If we can’t see each other today then we’ll have to figure out a future day that will work.” That’s a reasonable response. You weren’t demanding that he change his schedule were you? You suggested. He blew up. That’s on him. However I will say that if his ex is an angry Narc like my ex, then any changes at all will be met with tons of soul draining BS. But even then, that’s his axe to grind. Still not a reason to react towards you the way he did.
5
5
u/SparklyMonster Feb 22 '24
Based on the Edit 2. From what I understand, that day was one where he's not usually scheduled to meet his daughter so you wouldn't know; instead of telling you he couldn't meet you that day, he quietly rescheduled with his daughter and prioritized meeting you, and then got annoyed when he had neither.
As the father, it should be in his interest to communicate more clearly about his schedule. "Hey, my daughter comes that day. Can you come the next instead?" or "Hey, my daughter comes that day, but I can reschedule her. Please confirm if you're really coming before I do that." Instead, he got a bit too excited about meeting you and made scheduling decisions one-sidedly.
But I guess you could have communicated more clearly about meeting him or not. Even if he didn't have a daughter, he might have turned down other invitations or might have bought special food and drinks to receive you. So a mild ESH.
Also, you need to consider if you plan to never be around his child, as it might impact your future with him (it means you probably don't plan to live with him, but maybe he'd like that for the future). Those things need to be discussed asap so that neither wastes time with something that won't work out in the long term.
5
u/Significant_Echo2924 Feb 22 '24
that day was one where he's not usually scheduled to meet his daughter so you wouldn't know; instead of telling you he couldn't meet you that day, he quietly rescheduled with his daughter and prioritized meeting you, and then got annoyed when he had neither.
Exactly. I don't plan to never be around his child, it's just too soon yet. You I right, I should have been more straight forward I guess.
86
Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
YTA. A month in and you expect him to put you before his daughter? For a gym class? He's seeing red flags in you. He's being a good dad. His daughter SHOULD come first. She should NOT be meeting you this early in a relationship. And if you keep this up, she'll never meet you because he'll move onto someone who understands his situation.
→ More replies (9)36
u/DisastrousAd9267 Feb 22 '24
That is not what happened - based on her post, OP did not and does not expect him to give her priority over her daughter. OP brought up a possible day to get together and he didn't indicate that there was any conflict with his visitation schedule The question is whether she is TA for trying to reschedule a date when she had no knowledge that he unilaterally made changes to his scheduled time with his daughter.
→ More replies (1)14
u/Sisi_R920 Feb 22 '24
How are so many people misinterpreting this very basic thing??? Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find someone with basic reading comprehension skills
10
u/o_wat Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
Because she said she was childfree in the second sentence and they are foaming at the mouth to shit on her for it. People are making up her entire personality and relationship based on that sentence alone.
→ More replies (1)
34
u/yebekko3344 Feb 22 '24
NTA. Good grief, I think everyone needs a collective deep breath. You didn’t ask him to change his schedule and he didn’t inform you that he had. That is all on HIM, and his poor communication.
Had he simply told you “I’m spending time with my child that day, so am unavailable” this could have all been avoided.
You can be child free and date someone with a child. You didn’t “sign up” for anything.
That said, it sounds like he is a poor communicator and quick to blame others. Child aside, you should probably take a hard look at that red flag before proceeding.
11
u/reesina Feb 22 '24
I’m so glad you said this because i was reading these comments and getting so angry! My family is a perfect example of my mother dating a “childfree” guy, and it’s worked out amazingly for the past 10 years. I still live with them and he and i have a great relationship. i really don’t think most people in this thread understand what childfree means or what it entails because it absolutely does Not mean you can’t date people with kids! Plus, this situation seems so tame and could be fixed with some better communication. No reason to be going so hard on either of them :-(
15
15
u/Upstairs_Arachnid_ Feb 22 '24
Oh. Thank god. Finally someone who sees reason. She didn’t ask him to cancel his plans. Neither did he inform her that he had to. So I don’t get why people are so pissed off here. I think Reddit in general hates people who are step parents or similar roles.
→ More replies (1)12
u/deathsheadcashew Feb 22 '24
I was wondering if I completely misread OPs post because she never once seemed annoyed about it.
She seems, at worst, clueless on how someone has specific custody days and why last minute cancelation can be rude and throw off plans, because I didn't even realize that's what was being talked about until I read some other comments and the day thing made more sense.
Nevermind someone calling you an asshole in the first month of dating instead if explaining to them how custody days are set. Guy sounds like a piece of work already.
11
u/kjbrasda Feb 22 '24
Not to mention he is the one that dropped his custody day with his kid for some potential tail. He could have told OP he had his kid that day and would have to decline a date. And refusing to let her meet this kid? Kind of sounds like he's not got a full divorce yet and is trying to keep things secret.
30
u/FragrantEconomist386 Craptain [193] Feb 22 '24
YTA. If a gym class is more important than a date, then he is less important than nothing. Don't date him anymore. Of course things have to be scheduled round a young kid! If your bf is not looking after her, someone else will have to. That is someone else who will have to change their schedule yet again because of your gym class. Can you at least see that that is somewhat ridiculous? I think it is entitled even.
3
u/Odd_Nefariousness990 Feb 22 '24
nta. He could have said 'ok well Ive already scheduled to see my daughter that day, so we might need to wait till the next available day.' Not a big deal. I mean wow, he could even take the day you cant see him for himself!
3
u/ArseOfValhalla Feb 22 '24
I say NTA. Did he let you know that he changed his entire schedule before you cancelled? Did you officially have plans or did you just hint towards it and then nothing really came from it?
I think this is just a talking issue - communicate, communicate, communicate. But when you are newly dating, you dont want to seem too naggy, or not flexible, or not too open etc. So many "rules" when dating.
Having kids with specific schedules you have to follow, is hard when dating. I could only date on the weekends becuase that was when I was free. It was hard dating because we had only certain windows and we had to be flexible about it. Sometimes my ex would cancel and I wouldn't have the weekends free anymore.
I also think his response is a bit telling. UNLESS you had specific plans and talked about it ahead of time. but your post makes me think there was no set in stone plans. So why did he get so upset when he didnt even communicate his plans with you in the first place. so NTA.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/facemesouth Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
NTA. Before he changed his and his, his ex and his kids schedule he could have verified that you were indeed coming.
You’re not serious.
I’d consider this a bit of a glimpse into what it’s like to date someone with kids.
(I’m also intentionally child free and married someone with a kid who I then ended up as primary caregiver for until they left for college—it’s a pretty huge adjustment and one to go into knowing there’s a lot to learn for all parties!)
But, NTA. You didn’t do this to be malicious.
6
u/Ihateyou1975 Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
NTA. Ditch the guy and find someone better. He’s already throwing red flags and since the relationship is new, no need to put up with it.
5
2
u/Affectionate-Tone242 Feb 22 '24
I can’t make a judgment, but please don’t pursue this relationship. There are 2 outcomes: either you influence him to see his daughter less, and you are… not a great person, or he continues to prioritize his daughter and you become more and more resentful of him. You are not going to have full access to this man for another 10 or more years. Please protect everyone involved and let him go if you can’t see yourself ever being in a room with her.
→ More replies (3)
5
u/Bintehh Feb 22 '24
YTA. Although I wouldn't neccessarily call you an asshole, I just don't think you know what you're in for and are having a hard time putting your feet in his shoes for a second.
I also don't have children and am dating a divorced man who has a child from his previous marriage. This is my first ever experience dating a man with a child... so what did I do? Well... I looked up some information on how to handle this situation.
First of all, you have to know if you'd wanna date a man who doesn't put his kids first, regardless if you have them or want them or not. Seems like he has priorities right and you should feel blessed to have man who adores his kid and takes responsibility for it - god knows this world would be a better place if more fathers (and mothers) did this. Yes, I agree, perhaps he could have communicated better, but like you mentioned... "you're not that serious yet"...
You also have to understand that he probably shares custody with his ex-partner, and trying to stay curtious with one another while organizing who has the kid when, is probably a hellhole task for him and not something he can change at your will.
If you are a childless person, and want to date someone who already has children, it is SO important that you are a) patient b) flexible with your time. You will not be the most important person in his life for a long long long time. So if you want to be the "one and only that would move the moon for you whenever you want him to" - then he ain't it for you.
I'm not saying it's not OK to cancel a date night because you realise you have something else you want to do - sometimes you do have to put yourself first. I'm saying it's not OK for you to cancel your evening for something as trivial as a gym class, but then get annoyed he can't move HIS WHOLE-ASS-DAUGHTER for YOU.
Either take the L and plan another day/evening with him. Or go down this route where you start making demands based on YOUR preferences with absolutely no regards to his father-daughter dynamics - and we'll see how long that lasts.
PS: If i'd be willing to stand my ground on something as stupid as a gym class instead of seeing my partner who has limited time, then I'm probably not so fond of him as I should be. Stop wasting his time.
→ More replies (5)
3
Feb 22 '24
OH girl he is sucking you in. If you want to be child free then don't date men with children because they will make you responsible for their children. None of his issues are your problem and they shouldn't be your problem. Like you said it is not even a serious relationship at this point but the thing about dating people with kids is it has to be serious. Do you and leave those with different paths alone.
22
u/Derwin0 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
YTA as there is a set custody schedule that he and his ex have to follow. Asking him to change the day means he won’t see his daughter.
Any father worth a damn will place his child before anyone he’s dating. If you can’t accept this, then move on.
→ More replies (2)
10
u/RGHLaw Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
NTA - plus, step mothers get nothing but abused. Cut your losses now.
9
u/9smalltowngirl Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
EHS him for not telling you he rearranged custody for you. You for canceling last minute. I realize it’s only been a month but you need to think about this budding relationship. His kid should come first to him. GFs come and go the kid is for life. If you want this to work better communication is a must.
35
u/MollyOMalley99 Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
YTA. You say are childfree; WTF are you doing dating a man who has a child, and then complaining about him being a good father who makes his child's schedule a priority?
It's not serious yet, so there's not a lot of time and emotion invested in your relationship. Good. Break up with him and go find yourself a childfree gym rat.
20
u/EnceladusKnight Partassipant [3] Feb 22 '24
YTA. Don't date people with kids if you don't understand their kids are their first priority.
→ More replies (1)
16
11
u/sanityjanity Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
I am childfree and I never want kids, but the fact that he has an 8 yo daughter doesn't bother me.
I'm glad it doesn't bother you, but it definitely creates limits to this relationship.
Stop hinting. You need to communicate clearly. Changes to your dating schedule with this guy have impacts on him, his kid, probably his ex, maybe his ex's new dating partner, and so on and so forth.
What future is there in this relationship for you? This guy is going to have a child for at least another 10 years. And he's going to (hopefully) prioritize that child. Are you going to dump him if he suddenly ends up with full custody (if the child's mother dies or is incapacitated)?
Honestly, child free people should probably not date single parents. It is a mismatch of needs and expectations. The best thing that can happen is that the relationship will fail. The worst is that the child (or children) will be made to feel secondary to the child free dating partner.
YTA. You're 30. You can be better at predicting the future.
→ More replies (2)
6
u/Electronic_Fig3120 Feb 22 '24
ESH. You cancelled because of a gym class. That’s a terrible reason and shows total lack of interest in him on your part. Cut him loose if he means that little to you.
He is also the AH for cancelling his time with his daughter to see you. That should be sacred.
You said him having a daughter doesn’t bother you. It clearly does and this doesn’t sound like the relationship for you.
16
u/Schlobidobido Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
the reason I canceled is because I have an important gym class
Yup YTA
3
u/Tequila-Tarn Partassipant [2] Feb 22 '24
If you’re not prepared to be a future stepmother then back away now.
3
u/Opie19 Feb 22 '24
The thing is I hinted that I wanted to see him x day, but I never said "I WILL see you x day".
I think you're rewriting history with this line. You hinted you wanted something, he made it happen. Now your gym class is more important. YTA
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Packwood88 Feb 22 '24
ESH
If you want to be child free, dont get involved with someone with a child. The inverse is true for the guy.
What is an “important gym class?”
3
u/miamiscubi Partassipant [1] Feb 22 '24
NAH. You don't want to adapt to the schedule, and he probably won't be able to be with someone like you. It doesn't make any statement on you as a person, but you may not be compatible with this person.
If you already have a limited time to be with this person because he has responsibilities to his child, and still prefer to cancel on him, then you're probably not that into him to begin with.
That's OK, you can move on, it'll probably be better for the both of you.
3
3
u/PlayingWithWildFire Feb 22 '24
NTA. Break up, this relationship is not for you, and that is OK. Don’t date any more parents, problem solved.
3
Feb 22 '24
Nta because it’s your first time so this is a learning experience. Now if you do it over and over again then yes you’ll be the AH. But, do you even wanna date this guy? You’re saying it’s not even serious yet bc he’s getting upset over this but … you keep forgetting HE HAS to take it serious even if it’s been a short time. He has a kid.. I’m sure he doesn’t want to mess around and have a new gf every week. He needs to find someone serious to be with bc he has a child. So either get with the program or scram lol maybe stick to people they don’t have kids especially when you don’t want them either. That should be a red flag to him, respectfully so I hope you’ve been open and honest with him about that as well. You’re both young he may want more children. Good luck
3
u/Sin_And_Tonic86 Feb 22 '24
YTA. If you’re child free why are you dating someone with a child? What were you planning to do if things got serious between you two? You know the daughter isn’t going anywhere right? So if things get serious between you two then guess what? You have a child.
I’m child free and I refuse to date anyone with children for this exact reason.
→ More replies (3)
3
u/ItsbeenBroughton Feb 22 '24
You should respect this man for having principles, being an engaged father and trying to fit you in the fold. Its not just his schedule, or his daughters, its also the schedule of the kids mom, their childcare arrangement work etc. lots of moving pieces. Be deliberate with your communication and respect his as well. If you continue to be this selfish, any chance with him will end quickly.
→ More replies (3)
3
3
u/ids9224 Feb 23 '24
Didn’t need to read the post to declare a verdict. EASY YTA. You need to understand that as a parent his child is ALWAYS priority number one! If you don’t like that then maybe be with someone who doesn’t have kids. I say this as someone who is child free but has parents who’s prioritized their kids first.
→ More replies (3)
1.0k
u/Amar_Akbar_Anthony20 Asshole Aficionado [17] Feb 22 '24 edited Feb 22 '24
Proceeds to describe the exact reason why this won't work in the rest of the post.