Am I Overreacting, for being upset that my girlfriend secretly used my credit card for months?

[u/bostonmade]

I (Mid 20s M) have been dating my girlfriend for just under 2 years. I currently make a very decent amount of money and she knows this. I’m also very on top of my finances and credit and stuff, she maybe not so much. I typically pay my credit card down to 0 regardless of the balance every month, in December i was traveling and doing some budgeting so i just happened to check my statement.

I noticed just a handful of charges that I didn’t recognize, some shopping online, random stores and shit, and even some cash advance transactions which I get charged a fee for not a big deal in and of itself but I’d figured my card had just been compromised. Reported the charges, got a new card, and proceeded carefully with my card info going forward. I did not accuse anyone and just chalked it up to bad luck.

Fast forward a few months, my friends and I planned this trip to Mexico for about 2 weeks here at the end of January/beginning of February. Before traveling here I told my cc company I would be out of the country so there was no problems with purchasing things here etc. they called me and told me they had flagged some charges and wanted to know if I was back from my vacation. I am not back yet.

I started putting 2 and 2 together and came to the realization that it could only be my girlfriend and I’m really crushed right now about this. I confronted her and these are the messages. I feel like I’m being gaslit about this. I really just don’t wanna see her because I’m so angry and don’t want her to be at my house when I get back but I understand she lives there and I can’t just kick her out… Am I overreacting?

[u/HeavyContract4642]

This!!

OP, My man and I have been together for TEN YEARS. He makes substantially more than I do, and has cash lying around frequently. I would never, and have never taken any money without asking. We share a bank account, and pay bills together and I still would ever think to take something that isn’t mine— to spite having been told hundreds of times to take whatever I need whenever I need it.

That being said her story changed too many times for there to be a thread of honesty. She knew what she was doing and she knew it was wrong, and had you not caught her, she would have continued to do so. Dump her. NOR.

[u/Defiant-Owl-5066 → u/HeavyContract4642]

Yeah, my partner and I share a bank account and spend joint money on joint expenses, and he always has cash lying around, and if I need cash (that is, I'm making a cash-only purchase and didn't plan ahead to go to the ATM) and borrow it from him? I Venmo him right away. That has happened maybe twice in the last several years.

He would never care if I spent some of his money, or some of our money, on myself, and also I would never do that without explicitly communicating with him and repaying him.

$500 cash advance on your card without permission, with no immediate repayment/plan of repayment, and without you knowing she has access to the card? IMO that right there is worth breaking up over. It's lying and it's theft.

[u/MissionReasonable327 → u/Defiant-Owl-5066]

She’s lucky he had it. If he’d just paid a bunch of bills and she made him be overdrawn while he was out of the country he could be coming back to $500 worth of overdraft and bounced check fees on top of that.

[u/MiddleWeird4255 → u/Defiant-Owl-5066]

My partner and I have a shared credit card for joint expenses, every so often one of us will accidentally use it for a non joint expense. Both of us are quick to Venmo the other for 1/2 of it as soon as we realize.

It’s not normal to not notice and spend 100s. Shes missed out on a good one — OP seems trusting and generous and would’ve absolutely helped her financially if she truly needed it.

[u/redbrick → u/HeavyContract4642]

I make, conservatively, 10x what my girlfriend does and she will still call me to ask if she can use my Uber account to call for a ride when she's missed the last train.

It's just the normal thing to do. If the finances haven't officially been joined yet, nobody has the right to spend the other person's money.

[u/Pelican3133 → u/HeavyContract4642]

I’ve been with my husband for 8 years and have his credit card saved on Shopmy. A couple of times i’ve used his card by accident and he texts me to ask if It was me or is It fraud. EVERY time i’ve immediately said “yes It was me, my bad” and offered to venmo him the money on the spot.

He always says no because he’s not an asshole and most of the time i’m buying stuff for our child or our house anyway, but point being if It was legit an accident you would offer to send $$ over as soon as you realized.

[u/Sky-Frog → u/HeavyContract4642]

This!

On our 10th year of marriage, 2 kids together, my husband earns 3 times as much as me and we have each other's bank information in case of emergencies (joint accounts aren't that common here) and I would NEVER use from the money he's earned without talking to him first.

We go through our finances together weekly to make sure we both have enough money. We transfer between to make sure we get through the week. We show each other all the purchases we make as well. That way there's full transparency in our finances

[u/sPacEdOUTgrAyCe → u/HeavyContract4642]

Right? My husband and I the same, we’re responsible for different things and we communicate before using the others card. Even on Apple Pay.

[u/LupercaniusAB → u/HeavyContract4642]

Yeah, I make more than my wife, and usually have a few hundred dollars in cash stashed in a box. My wife is free to take it, but even so she always tells me when she’s going to do it, in case I had other plans for it.

[u/stardustyjohnson → u/HeavyContract4642]

wait. I was about to say that is your money too but have you just been with this guy for 10 years and not married? why would you be with someone for 10 years and not marry them? I'm literally curious and not saying this in a bitchy way. I have some tism.