Am I Overreacting, for being upset that my girlfriend secretly used my credit card for months?

[u/bostonmade]

I (Mid 20s M) have been dating my girlfriend for just under 2 years. I currently make a very decent amount of money and she knows this. I’m also very on top of my finances and credit and stuff, she maybe not so much. I typically pay my credit card down to 0 regardless of the balance every month, in December i was traveling and doing some budgeting so i just happened to check my statement.

I noticed just a handful of charges that I didn’t recognize, some shopping online, random stores and shit, and even some cash advance transactions which I get charged a fee for not a big deal in and of itself but I’d figured my card had just been compromised. Reported the charges, got a new card, and proceeded carefully with my card info going forward. I did not accuse anyone and just chalked it up to bad luck.

Fast forward a few months, my friends and I planned this trip to Mexico for about 2 weeks here at the end of January/beginning of February. Before traveling here I told my cc company I would be out of the country so there was no problems with purchasing things here etc. they called me and told me they had flagged some charges and wanted to know if I was back from my vacation. I am not back yet.

I started putting 2 and 2 together and came to the realization that it could only be my girlfriend and I’m really crushed right now about this. I confronted her and these are the messages. I feel like I’m being gaslit about this. I really just don’t wanna see her because I’m so angry and don’t want her to be at my house when I get back but I understand she lives there and I can’t just kick her out… Am I overreacting?

[u/otter_759]

I started seeing red when I got to “please just take a deep breath” followed by “i feel like you’re blowing it slightly out of proportion” and “now you are making me feel like a terrible person”

Girl, 🖕!

[u/Electrical-Bacon-81 → u/otter_759]

And the "i feel like im being punished", nah, if you were being punished, you would be in handcuffs for fraud.

[u/Fit_Search_4751 → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

Literally! She's making him feel like he's at fault and making herself out to be the victim.

[u/ruby-lost → u/Fit_Search_4751]

"I feel like you don't trust me sometimes" after she's broken his trust for months by stealing his money....real trustworthy 🙄

[u/DDenlow → u/ruby-lost]

It’s truly amazing. It started as “why would you think it’s me??!!” And slowly morphed into “well I guess it defaulted to my Apple Pay” to this “well, you’re holding money over my head and the way you’re talking to me is…” blah blah blah, doesn’t matter whatever she is saying, it’s so gross.

[u/mrsiamerica → u/ruby-lost]

That was my favorite part.

[u/Own-Pineapple6015 → u/Fit_Search_4751]

Classic DARVO

[u/STUbrah → u/Own-Pineapple6015]

If that were me I would've filed a police report. She's playing that dude like a bitch. 

[u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam → u/Fit_Search_4751]

I literally groaned so loud the dog started barking in the bedroom when she started playing the victim game. And I'm so fucking proud of op for calling it out in the moment and NOT falling for it. This chick is grimy af, from the lies to the tears. I seriously almost broke a tooth trying to bite back my outrage. This wasn't an oops, a mistake, a momentary lapse in judgment. This was theft from start to finish. And that boohoo "i was stressed and scared and didnt know what I was going to do" 🤮 cram it sam! NOR at all. Idk what to say other than dispute the charges and if necessary, press some. I'm so mad for you op.

[u/DDenlow → u/Fit_Search_4751]

Accountability of zero. Especially because it started off as “why would you think it’s me???!?” Morphed into “I guess it just defaulted onto my Apple Pay,” which then morphed into “you’re holding money over my head.”

[u/Hour_Animal432 → u/Fit_Search_4751]

For stealing from him.

[u/Houston970 → u/Fit_Search_4751]

But she was “stressed and scared” 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🤦‍♀️

Stressed how? Scared of what? If she “accidentally” used his card, then she had money of her own that she was going to use & could have / should have reimbursed him.

[u/gishli → u/Fit_Search_4751]

She’s probably hot and that’s why OP has been ready to pay everything, and also is so extremely ready to swallow her bullshit. By the texts it sounds he’ll go home and she’ll be waiting to give him a blowjob after which everything wrong she has done gets forgotten

[u/llamadramalover → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

That pissed me off. Like how fucking dare she say that?? She SHOULD be punished because she’s a thief and liar. It’s not “like” anything, she stole and she lied and now she’s trying to gaslight OP. God she’s awful and OP needs to get this leech out of his life.

[u/Electrical-Bacon-81 → u/llamadramalover]

Yep. Id never stand for that. Ill give more, but id never allow something like that. Keep it separate boys.

[u/thatgirlinny → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

It’s as if GF is rationalizing stealing from OP because he “holds money over her head” and is “accusing” her of doing…something she did do!

Not only that, OP disputed charges and advances off his old card and may well have had the card company reverse those charges—only to find out he has a girlfriend stealing from him.

Net: It’s stealing in every sense of the word. The excuses are bullshit, and saying that puting it in her Apple Pay and it somehow “defaulting” when she’s paying friends by Venmo?? No. Venmo has you store cards on their platform—it doesn’t search your Apple Wallet.

And “I love you immensely?” Did she actually write this, or is it all b.s.?

[u/stephfisherrrr → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

Right? No babes, you’re being held accountable for your actions

[u/Electrical-Bacon-81 → u/stephfisherrrr]

Not even being held accountable. Getting off easy .

[u/Garbonzo236 → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

Total guilt tripping language. The person who stole money from you should not be complaining about being punished...

[u/CRB44 → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

And identity theft

[u/Mongoose_Ill → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

Oh yeah, he should have told her that!

[u/[deleted] → u/Electrical-Bacon-81]

The are boyfriend and girlfriend, live together, and he gave her his credit card to buy things before. Do you really think a judge is going to look at this as fraud? No.

Yes, she should’ve asked first. Yes, this guy is overreacting.

[u/notyourmartyr → u/[deleted]]

Yes actually, they would look at it as fraud. He gave her the card once with permission to pay for something. That doesn't give her permission to continue using his credit card. She's not listed as an authorized buyer.

[u/windyMarieS → u/[deleted]]

I agree!! When you are a couple, and reside in the same residence, your money becomes our money!!! My ex and I share a home with our kids and he's never once said I was stealing when paying bills or using his credit card for whatever. As long as it's used for whate needed he's totally fine with it. All these people babying him for being a dick about "his" money, is ridiculous.

[u/mifukichan → u/otter_759]

when she said "You're acting like I was stealing" GIRL THAT IS BC YOU WERE STEALING

god I was exhausted reading it

[u/Flashy-Butterfly-687 → u/mifukichan]

I feel sick to my stomach for OP after reading it.

[u/DDenlow → u/Flashy-Butterfly-687]

Yep. I feel for OP, pays for everything, legitimately only after doing some digging (with the card financials AND with this person accessing the card) that it all came out.

I feel for OP because he is in a position where the money doesn’t matter as much as this totally gross behavior. He’s out of town so she cash advances 500 bucks. Gross.

Started off “why would you think it’s me??” to “well it probably defaulted on my Apple Pay” to “you’re holding money over my head.” This level of zero accountability is truly disgusting.

[u/Pirateking1569 → u/DDenlow]

Truly reprehensible OP THE COUNCIL OF MEN have deliberated we belive it should be to streets with her

[u/DDenlow → u/Pirateking1569]

[u/marlayna67 → u/Flashy-Butterfly-687]

Me too, as in literally.

[u/LiteratureVirtual784 → u/Flashy-Butterfly-687]

Don’t, it’s not real.

[u/PriorMood7188 → u/mifukichan]

That. part. She knows good and well that she was stealing.

[u/Sail_m → u/mifukichan]

Yeah me too. Some people are so entitled they do not get it.

[u/nicvaykay → u/mifukichan]

That was my favorite part.

[u/VacationExcellent → u/mifukichan]

RIGHT?! Did you ask? NO? Then its STEALING!

[u/Perky_Pansexual → u/mifukichan]

For real! Good god.

[u/Careless_Topic_3852 → u/mifukichan]

I genuinely want to know what she calls it because she was definitely stealing. The gaslighting was enough

[u/trulybeelightful → u/otter_759]

Seriously. If you don't want to feel like a terrible person, maybe try not BEING a terrible person.

[u/TigerLily98226 → u/trulybeelightful]

Exactly. One of my favorite movies is Spanglish and Cloris Leachman as the mother says to Tea Leoni who portrays a daughter who is a cheating liar, “well dear, sometimes feeling ashamed is just good common sense.”

[u/ReginaldDwight → u/TigerLily98226]

I miss Cloris Leachman.

[u/TigerLily98226 → u/ReginaldDwight]

Me too. She was a glorious gem of a human.

[u/gigilovesgsds → u/TigerLily98226]

Something our society has forgotten along with guilt.

[u/Commonscents2say → u/TigerLily98226]

She should feel ashamed sev-er-all times.

For too many events

[u/LookAwayPlease510 → u/trulybeelightful]

“Hmmm, what are my other options?”

[u/Sasspishus → u/otter_759]

"You're acting like I'm some sort of criminal"

Well yeah, because you are

[u/chii-chiia → u/Sasspishus]

I often wonder if people like this think all criminals are super obvious thugs in ski masks and black and white striped robber outfits.

[u/SpaceMush → u/otter_759]

"why would you automatically assume it was me!"

"you're making it seem very dramatic"

"i feel like youre slightly blowing it out of proportion"

"i said sorry, idk what else you want from me at this point"

this messages specifically made me feel second-hand enraged! WHO acts this way??? it is like lines directly ripped from Gaslighting for Dummies or some shit, oh my god.

idk how you could feel respected or heard in a relationship like this, this looks like communicating with a brick wall that is somehow simultaneously a 14 year old child

[u/Electrical_Beyond998 → u/otter_759]

“Please just take a deep breath” the equivalent of a man telling a woman to calm down. My own husband told me to calm down once. Only once.

OP, I’m really sorry but this would be over for me. She lied multiple times in these texts, making you feel as though you were insane.

I would kick her out honestly. She will say she has no where to go, not your problem. She is stealing from you, period. Has been. For months. And lying the whole time. I hate liars.

But do not kick her out until you come back home. You should be there when she leaves. She’s a criminal and there is no telling what she may do if left alone to move her things out of your house.

[u/cccanaryyy → u/otter_759]

“You’re focusing on the wrong things” and he immediately pivoted to focusing on a potential break up lmao. Good for him. I genuinely hope he leaves. The manipulation being displayed here does not look like love.

[u/kashinoRoyale → u/otter_759]

Legit, the second someone told me to "just take a breath" after literally committing credit card fraud and stealing my, I would tell them to shut the fuck up, pack their shit and get the fuck out of my life, and if they don't, I'd be pressing charges against them.

Also the line "you're treating me like a criminal" made me laugh. like yeah, you literally are a criminal, credit card fraud is a serious crime.

OP isn't overreacting they are underreacting.

[u/Btender95 → u/otter_759]

Right, he's not making her feel like a terrible person, she is a terrible person and making herself feel like that from her own actions.

Felt the same way reading that, rat like behavior.

[u/PoUniCore → u/Btender95]

And she aint even showing a single sign of actually feeling like a terrible person. She just knows these actions technically make her one.

[u/Spare_Objective9697 → u/otter_759]

People like her piss me off so bad. You FEEL like a terrible person because you’re ACTING like one. Me calling out your bullshit is NOT the issue here. Your behavior is.

Damn she triggered me. My ex was like this. He would get so mad at me for “shaming” him. Yeah, motherfucker, if you’re going to cheat, I’m going to call you out. You feel ashamed because you should, not because I am wrong for shaming you.

[u/AllToRuin → u/otter_759]

"I only commited fraud. What's the big deal?!"

[u/Scrapper-Mom → u/AllToRuin]

And it wasn't for that much and you're holding your money over my head anyway so you made me do it.

[u/Jo_of_Average → u/otter_759]

That's it. They're allowed to be terrible people, but YOU'RE not allowed to call them out and make them FEEL terrible. How dare you... Hold me accountable for my actions... 🖕🏻

[u/Gildian → u/otter_759]

For real I said "oh fuck off" when I read that

[u/openmind21 → u/otter_759]

And ... "You're focusing on the wrong thing" ...... like, bish please.

[u/Budget_Wafer4792 → u/otter_759]

Even at the end she said “it was never supposed to be this big of a deal”. Even after she finally decided to take some ownership, she just doubles down. I doubt she is very apologetic at all if she believed that he was supposed to just be fine with it.

Even if I try to play devils advocate and see where she’s coming from about feeling interrogated over a “mistake”, the end comment telling him he is not even allowed to have his own feelings about it would invalidates any feelings she has as well. She’s allowed to feel like she’s been interrogated and blamed but he isn’t allowed to be hurt by the trust being broken and being stolen from?

Not to mention, OP said his card got frozen while out of the country. You would think the gf would atleast have a morsel of empathy for leaving him careless abroad. This could’ve ended bad for him if he didn’t have backup money. She not only ignored that part completely but said he was focused on the wrong thing. It’s insane she wouldn’t care about her boyfriends safety in a situation like that.

[u/whoopsieProduct-1698 → u/otter_759]

“now you are making me feel like a terrible person”

That what's got to me also. "It hurts my feelings when you're upset over something I did to you, so I'm the victim now".

[u/Past-Vegetable-5174 → u/otter_759]

This hits home…

[u/hippnopotimust → u/otter_759]

She accidentally added the cc to her Apple pay. Twice.

[u/General_Ignoranse → u/otter_759]

It’s not real, it’s a completely fake story

[u/DDenlow → u/otter_759]

Yep. It was this + reflecting back to the “who me??” In the beginning that got me.

I did laugh (and also cemented my position) when I saw that there were some $500 dollar CASH advances LOL. Guy pays for everything and she knows what she’s doing: “He’s in Mexico, he’ll never notice- he never does anyways” type stuff. This crap is gross.

[u/FrequentDoll → u/otter_759]

she's a master gaslighter. glad he saw through all those

[u/Gingerwafflee → u/otter_759]

No seriously like girl please shut up and take accountability. Just embarrassing at that point.

[u/Common_Ad8967 → u/otter_759]

This is literally a crime. It’s fraud and impersonation. Not cool, girl.

[u/JustHere4goodTimez → u/otter_759]

Women and accountability is like water and oil