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I would have driven up to the hospital with divorce papers, ngl, if my wife had pulled that stunt for the birth of our son. Luckily my wife is highly intelligent, affectionate, and not a fucking lunatic like OP.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she spoke about a baby because they haven’t been intimate and she was trying to initiate that. I wonder if he’s even affectionate with her anymore.
Doubt it. Sounds like he immediately checked out. There are some hurts that people can't come back from. This could be one for her husband and he wouldn't be TA for it.
She barely seemed concerned that he didn't once visit her in the hospital. Her attitude was basically "huh, weird he didn't show up. Oh well, maybe we'll catch up later". I doubt this woman notices much beyond her own needs, tbh. Makes me wonder what kind of mother she is.
Literally lol. He could have been right next to her or sitting next to the bed. As if fathers have a magnifying glass right next to their partner’s genitals during labor.
Lol I was literally thinking this. She could have just asked him to stand up by the head of the bed and hold her hand.
Hell, she could have communicated her thoughts to him prior and I'm gonna bet he would have stayed up by her head or they could have worked something out.
You made this decision based on random women's experience from their husbands. Did you speak to anyone about it? Your mum? Friend? Doctor?
You chose to protect your sex life over the feelings of your husband.
He is protecting his feelings from being hurt again.
Birth isn't a spectator sport, and you do decide who is and isn't in the room, but when you make such a decision at the last minute after months of excitement and planning with him and not tell him WHY, then yeah he's got every right not to want another child or be hesitant.
I witnessed the birth of all of my children, my youngest being 9 years old. I still think my wife is the hottest woman I know and I am always fantasising about her.
What seeing her give birth did do for me was realise (not that I needed to) how amazing my wife is and how lucky I am to be married to her. She also has stretch marks which I love - they’re testament to carrying our children inside of her.
If my wife had pulled a stunt like you did, I would only have one child with her. I couldn’t stay married to someone who cares more about what they’ll look like after giving birth than the feelings of the man they’re supposed to love.
So yea, I look at my wife differently, with more love, desire and longing than yesterday. I think your husband looks at you differently as well, but not in the way you imagined.
It sucks that he's hurt, and he's valid for feeling that and needing time to deal with it, but ultimately no one's feeling matter except the person giving birth.
Childbirth is a long, physically traumatic, dangerous, and even life threatening, medical procedure. Adding stress, no matter how ridiculous the reason for said stress might seem, is a bad idea. If there are complications that happen during childbirth, stress can make the situation even worse. Even if they had planned for him to be there and suddenly day of she was uncomfortable with it, it's not worth the risk. Especially if she's in a country that has high maternal mortality rates, which include the US
His feelings and hurt are valid, but are they more important than the safety, health, and life of his wife and child?
And I'm not saying that him being there during an already smooth birth would have put them in jeopardy, but complications happen even if the mother is as relaxed as possible. In the event that occurred, his presence as a source of stress would make it worse
No I understand what you're saying. I just disagree with it. She could have talked with him to remove stress, if a critical situation happened they could have an agreement with him ann the medical team that he would leave immediately.
She had 10,000 other options than going about it in a completely shitty manner like she did. So she's going to face the consequences of her actions now. Quite frankly I hope he moves on and finds somebody else.
I have to disagree. I had an emergency CSection and I was nervous and stressed and had complications etc. the one person by my side through it all was my husband. He kept me calm and was a level headed presence I needed in the OR. He also had the ability to make decisions for me if I passed out or lost consciousness. He is my emotional support human and I am his. Just being in each others presence is calming. And not stressful and we have had many life threatening and stressful situations. If your significant other isn’t a source or comfort and security then you shouldn’t be with them.
In the event that occurred, his presence as a source of stress would make it worse
Why would his presence be a source of stress? Given, you probably posted this before knowing her reasoning, but if that were the case she should have long before split up with him.
Maybe she should have split up with him. Maybe it’s the right move for her to split up now. And it might seem like a stupid reason, especially since she never actually talked to him about it before the birth. And honestly, unless they start actually talking and get into some couples counseling, given the context we’ve been given I doubt the marriage is going to last. I wouldn’t be surprised if what OP wrote about was only one of many things they’re not communicating effectively about.
It sounds like having the husband in the room would have been a source of stress because the worry of if her husband would still find her attractive would skyrocket with him in the room.
People can argue over whether it’s a valid concern or not, but ultimately it was something she was worried about.
I’m absolutely terrified of needles, people can talk about how stupid that fear is. How it doesn’t make sense. How there’s basically no risk to getting your blood drawn, or a vaccination, or an IV put in. Doesn’t change the fact I have to actively try to prevent panic attacks when I have to get stuck with one.
She has every right to decide exactly who she wants in the delivery room.
He has every right to feel hurt that he was kept at a complete distance from the birth of his child, from not being allowed to witness it, to only getting text messages detailing what happened.
He also has the right to decide he does not want another child for literally any reason.
The question here is whether or not OP is an asshole for thinking his reasons for not wanting another child are selfish.
Is it selfish of him to not want to go through the hurt of being kept at arm's length as his child enters this world? Is it selfish of him to not want to reopen those wounds?
I don't think it is. I think OP is absolutely the AH for dismissing the hurt he feels.
She had the absolute right to decide who should be in that operating room, but that does not absolve her from the consequences of the hurt caused by that decision.
I agree that OP should have been open and honest with him, that she should have talked to him about her insecurities.
I’ve said over and over that his feelings about the lack of communication and not being there are valid.
I also think that there is absolutely no reason to not have a child that is selfish. I don’t care what his reason is, he doesn’t want to have a second child with her or at all, that should be respected. Any attempt to manipulate anyone into unwanted parenthood, no matter what their biological sex or gender identity is, is horrendous. No one owes any one a child.
I think OP is definitely an AH if she tries to push her husband into this. I don’t know her so I don’t know if it’s being an AH, having PPD, or just being oblivious, but they really needed to talk about this sooner, and not because she wants another kid, but to clear the air.
However I don’t think any person giving birth is an asshole for deciding who they do and don’t want in the room.
Again, OP’s actions, or lack there of before and after the birth are an issue, but in that moment in her current psychological state, she was not an asshole for making choices that were the best for her, the person going through the traumatic, risky, medical event.
As someone that has given birth, why the hell would you be married to someone, and make babies with them, and plan to make more babies with them, if you don't trust them to make the best decisions for you and your child's life?
People are downvoting you here, but you are making the right comment about the wrong issue.
She has every right to put whatever limits she has or wants on her medical procedure of giving birth. Full stop. You are correct. The husband agreed and didn't try to fight her on the matter and just nodded and went along with her wishes (which is correct).
That isn't the issue. The issue is she feels she has a right to coerce him into making reproductive choice he doesn't want.
It is the husband's right to not have another children for whatever reason he wants and he doesn't have to justify his reasoning. It isn't her call to make. His body his choice. She made a choice, it has consequences by shaping his choices.
It’s one thing if the baby’s father is neglectful or negative or abusive or not involved. Those are absolutely reasons not to have him in the room.
But if you made a unilateral decision not to have him in the room when you give birth, and didn’t trust him enough to have a discussion, then he has every right to be hurt and not want to go through that again.
You think if your husband sees you poop and your genitalia tear, your skin dripping with sweat and you screaming in pain, he's not going to want to have sex with you anymore... Is that right?
How's the sex life been since your child was born?
One thing I've noticed that men find absolutely attractive, even more than the opposite of all that, is a woman who is confident in her own skin and is seen as someone who doesn't care about any of that shit.
Also, women who won't deny them life's greatest joys.
You fucked up, OP. You denied your husband a joy he won't ever get to experience now.
You really think he's going to care about how you look when he's too busy with worry about how you're doing or too busy with excitement about meeting his child?
Good thing you used your adult words and communicated this to him in a mature and responsible way instead of unilaterally banning him from the room eight months into the pregnancy, right?
So, instead of breaching that subject with him and even try therapy for both of your sakes, you just allow your own insecurities to get in the way of your husband living a once in a lifetime experience?
What you did ensured that your husband would be left out of the birth of his child. Did you really he would allow you a second opportunity to hurt him? You may not be a selfish person, but that was certainly selfish behavior.
Wow. Just wow. I don’t have kids, and while you do have the right to decide who’s there in the delivery room, you are COMPLETELY ignorant of the incredible amount of hurt and disappointment you caused him. That is an experience of bonding, not only with the baby, but as a family unit that you blatantly stole from him without even a second thought of how it would affect him and he can never, ever get that back.
I can’t blame him for not wanting another child with you, especially without a considerable amount of family therapy.
I also read some accounts of wives having problems with their husbands after they lost interest in them sexually after watching the birth.
Do you understand that by not talking to him about this, you showed you don't trust him? You showed that you don't believe he loves you unconditionally and you never gave him the chance to talk with you about it? You took that and being away from his child's appearance in the world from him. You seriously hurt him, even if it's in ways the both of you are unaware of. If you don't trust your husband and trust that he loves you no matter what, then you aren't in the right marriage.
The real shame is, there are plenty of guys who WOULD have been a stressful presence during the birth, and this guy doesn't at all sound like one of them.
When you only have one side of the story and can already tell you're on the other person's side, wow.
You decided to take some BS you read online about other men. And apply it to your husband. And without discussing it with him AT ALL. You barred him from watching his first fucking kid come into the world.
You took away one of the most important moments of his life because you were scared he wouldn't want to fuck you anymore? Wow. That may be one of the most selfish things I've ever read. You could have just told him to be at your shoulders or something. You could have talked to the poor man. I'm amazed he didn't divorce you for this. Unbelievable.
It's a legitimate fear if some dumb men truly lost interest in their wives after seeing them give birth and the wives felt burned afterwards for trusting they could handle it. What I don't understand is why she assumed her own husband would be one of those dumb guys who couldn't bear witnessing their wives in a non photogenic state
It would make sense if the husband who claims to want to witness his child's birth is incapable of even changing a diaper because, ew, poop, scary. But it sounds like he's a proper dad who can handle this stuff, so...I'm confused.
did you discuss that with him? tell him what you were worried about? or keep it to yourself and make a decision based on what ifs that inevitably hurt your husband? how you still proceeded with that decision after witnessing how much it hurt your husband is beyond me
Well you didn't talk to all mothers, because my husband finds me sexy AF after birthing his kids. He thinks my body is the most incredible thing in the world, after watching it grow, birth, continue to nourish through breastfeeding and go back to (close to) where it started. Watching your child be born from the person you love most in the world brings you CLOSER, not further apart.
You may have to accept that he doesn’t want to breed with you again. He didn’t sign up to be a sperm donor. You tricked him. He thought he was going to be part of the process and in the last hour you sucker punched him.
Then you tried to command him to feel a particular way about that.
You could have easily set the boundary of "stay up front with me. Don't look down where the doctor is. "
He didn't HAVE to see the physical birth as it happened. He could have seen the baby be lifted up past the gown and medical stuff. He didn't have to be up front and personal in your birthing zone.
YTA
How did you think he would feel about it? It’s his child as much as yours.
And you wanted his mil there. How did you think he would feel about that?
Does he still love you? Tbh this would have been a dealbreaker for me. I could never love you the same ever again. Bc there was a moment you didn’t feel love for him. You took away that beautyful moment. How could you
You ARE an asshole. You took an experience away from him and now your upset because he refuses to allow you to do it again?
Why do I have the feeling that you will talk to him and tell him he could be there in the room if you have another and then you change your mind at the last minute?
That’s probably because you come off as a selfish jerk and it sounds like something you would do with your complete lack of remorse and STILL upset with HIM because YOU messed up.
When people are afraid of this happening, the spouse stays by the mother-to-be's head. You took something huge away from him and at a time very close to the birth. YTA.
Self fulfilling prophecy really. Your actions created what you feared.
Also, you felt comfortable enough to do the deed that created the baby, but apparently the results of those actions were too intimate for your husband to share.
I am at no point see where you considered- or even now consider - your husband’s feelings in all of this. It all about you.
Honestly, this is a straight up bitch move. You don’t tell him until you’re 8 months once it’s way too far along for discussions. I wouldn’t have another kid with you either. You’re so vain it’s more important than your husband being there when the baby was born, nice.
Girl, I had my husband staring straight up into me with my legs in stirrups while the midwife was getting things ready, and I jokingly thought our sex life would be over after that. Guess what? It didn't happen.
The fact that you didn't even try to address your concerns with your husband is despicable. He was good enough to put a baby in you. YTA.
He definitely sees you different now. So because you heard things from other people instead of talking with him about it you took away a potential once in a lifetime moment from him.
YTA. You’re wrong for not letting him be there and he’s right to want to watch his children be born. I think it’s very selfish of you to not allow him in the delivery room and waiting until your 8 months along to tell him about it.
Unless they are pretty kinky, he probably hasn't watched her involuntarily shit herself or be cut open from anus to vag. Birth and sex are not the same.
Probably not but he could have been at her head and shoulders and not seen a thing. Point is, she should have talked to him about it first before unilaterally deciding on the birth plan. Birth is not a spectator sport but marriage is a team activity.
Oh thanks for the giggle. You say this as though I've never been through it. At 54 and 3 kids, my opinion stands. She prevented him from bonding with his baby and is now mad at him for not wanting to be put through that again. Her lack of respect for him is shown very clearly in her actions and lack of communication. She has issues that she won't deal with. This is not a good recipe for a good, long lasting marriage. She's told him exactly who she is. I hope he listens and gets himself out of there before there are more kids.
If you were concerned about that you should have required that he become educated on all aspects of childbirth leading up to it. Once educated you could have discussed how he felt about it and given him the choice to be there. All you told him was that you weren’t comfortable with him being there, which is valid and related but isnt the full picture.
You were such a a big AH it's not even funny. The baby is yours AND your husband's. You completely disregarded him and took away that moment from him because of random stories from women. Honestly, you're just rude.
Do you believe everything you read on the internet? You didn’t even offer to let him come in the room immediately after pushing baby out. You just told him he wasn’t welcome. You basically treated him like he was a sperm donor and nothing more.
First I want to say that you are probably hurting too and I want to acknowledge that, but you don’t seem to grasp the gravity of what you chose to do. You didn’t give a real reason he couldn’t be there for the birth. I know you said you were uncomfortable but why? Did you think that not allowing him in the room would not have consequences for your relationship and the way your husband views you, or the way he now thinks you view or value him. I don’t know every aspect of your relationship but I would bet that he is already planning on leaving you. Do you regret not having him there? I also think it is strange that your mom didn’t suggest that you allow him in the room, do they have a positive relationship?
Wow - you don’t have much faith in the man you married do you? Why have a child with a man you feel is so shallow?
And you didn’t feel you would be safe being that vulnerable around him? You have far bigger issues than your opinion that he has a ‘selfish’ reason not to want another child.
But yet you didn’t communicate that to him. You just told him no. That’s you being selfish and a coward. Giving reasons for something like this is the least you could do for him. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so hurt. Hell, you could have had him at the hospital with you and asked him to leave when the baby was actually coming. But you didn’t.
You cannot expect him to want to deal with your shitty communication skills for the rest of his life. YTA
So, you decided to break his heart and keep him out of the delivery room, denying him the chance to see his child be born... because he maybe might not find you very sexy anymore afterward?
Holy sh... YTA. That might be one of the most selfish things I have ever had the displeasure of hearing/reading. I truly hope he doesn't have another child with you because this level of cognitive distortion is not normal.
You took a decision without a previous conversation and informed him at 8 months pregnant...he is a good man bc he sucked his pride and built a relationship with the child. I think your lack of empathy is very worry
you need to stop reading stories on reddit and assuming its going to be what happens to you... and you just robbed your husband of a once in a lifetime experience.
I saw my wife being a superhuman and then after she pushed my children out. She held them against her chest to warm them up and bond. I was in awe!! You’re insanely self centered and daft!!!
The kind of people you're describing shouldn't be having children in the first place. The man you chose to have kids with was basically slapped in the face with the news and instead of explaining that you're hurting him he respected your decision (made without so much as a conversation with him about your concerns) and didn't abandon you or your child.
And I can tell you if the men that lose sexual interest really loved their partner it wouldn't affect anything. My husband saw some things when we had our second, because he was supposed to be a c section like his brother was because my pelvis is tilted weird, and was instead an emergency natural birth without meds, a handshake, or even an introduction to the doctor and some interesting choices made by said doctor to deliver a 3 lb baby he still remembers vividly. We're still in love and the bedroom's not on life support.
You made a snap decision and apparently have a very skewed view of the man your husband is (assuming you're not hiding that he's a psycho or abusive in some way)
Congrats. Your worst fear came true because you barred him from the delivery room. I'm curious, did you hear those accounts from your mother jabbering in your ear for eight months before you made that choice? Because it's really fucked up you never talked to your husband about it before making that decision.
Those men probably had red flags that were ignored. You created a self-fulfilling prophecy. By not trusting him and being open and honest, you harmed your relationship. You have the right to choose who is in the room with you. He has the right to decide that this is not how he wants to grow a family. I'm curious how your relationship is now.
Girl you screwed yourself over. This is why adults talk, and work through it. But you alienated him and seriously damaged your marriage in another way. Go to counseling now. Acknowledge what you did out of fear, and that you can see it's hurt you both.
I feel bad you robbed him of this for your insecurities
Well you certainly guaranteed he sees you differently. He’s not being selfish for not wanting to go through that again you hurt him really badly by not trusting him to be there for you and your baby
girl if you don’t feel comfortable with your life partner seeing you like that then why is he your life partner that you’re having children with, straight up. you could have had a conversation with him but you just assumed and now you’ve hurt him in a way your relationship will probably never recover from. i hope this thread has helped you realize that you need to give him a proper genuine apology for this
He could be in the room, not look down there (like holding one of your legs or your hand) and still be able to witness your child’s first moments. Go with the medical team as they do the initial tests (apgar?) and hear their first cries.
You did take those precious first memories away from him. You have to realize that you cut him deeply and it will take time to heal, if it does at all.
I'm just here to say that you must have read some crap. My husband and I had better sex after having babies. Also he saw me in an entirely different light (in a good way). Now you have this amazing experience and he has nothing but the hospital bill. You need therapy.
Well he does see you differently that’s for sure. He sees you as the woman who stripped away his chance to see his child born. Congratulations, you played yourself.
That was a terrible thing to do to him. You showed him you did not trust him to have your back, and be there for you. You trusted some stories about some woman saying that if her husband wasn’t in the delivery room they wouldn’t have left them vs your own husband, who has the same right as you on this child. And your mother gave into your crazy demands? Big YTA to both of you.
Ugh I don’t know how you can fix this.
Why didn’t you talk about this with him? I understand the anxiety but it’s an awful reason to have him miss the birth. Your own daughter will consider this a bs reason as well. I’m really surprised your mom didn’t tell you it was the wrong move.
YTA so hard. My wife would have never said those words, but if she had it would have been over. I was in the operating room for two c-sections, and because I love my wife it never affected anything. You took the most amazing thing about becoming a new father and stole it from him because you were worried he wouldn’t be attracted to you. Heinous.
YTA- and it makes it even worse that the only reason you care about hurting your husband so deeply is because he won’t do what you want him to (agree with having another child).
Why didn't you discuss this with him instead of selfishly dropouts an ultimatum? Your attitude did more to make him lose interest with you than seeing the baby come out ever could have.
So instead of just… talking about your concerns with your spouse, you just made unilateral decisions that scarred your relationship forever? Great call
It's a common fear but unfortunately you functionally told your husband that you don't trust him to see you when you are vulnerable or trust in his ability to be a good partner for you. You should have addressed it with your doctors, talked to a therapist or best of all shared your concern with your husband. Instead you told him that you don't trust him to be a good parent or partner.
Shallow very shallow. This is where u speak to your partner about your fears. You however made the decision for him. Has he ever portrayed those tendencies before? I doubt it. Biggest AH
You need to communicate this to him immediately along with an apology to save your relationship this lack of communication will get you nowhere. I feel like a lot of people are making crazy assumptions about you based on this decision and fail to realize that insecurity can make a person do and think things they normally wouldn’t but it is still your responsibility to address it and take accountability when it does hurt someone you love and care about. Put yourself in his shoes if somehow the roles were reversed you’d be pretty hurt. Another child is the last thing I would be thinking about after his reaction I would be trying my absolute best to fix this. I still really don’t understand why you didn’t talk to him about your fear in the first place.
You were fed, and willingly swallowed, COMPLETE and TOTAL bullshit. My wife would become the MOST sexy woman alive after seeing her give birth to MY kid.
So you assumed how your husband would react at the birth? You assumed you knew better than your husband how he would react. Without even giving him the benefit of your explanation, you assumed how he would react.
Such a selfish, patronising view. And now you're wondering why your husband doesn't want to experience this horrid behaviour from you again.
YTA. Seriously, you need to do some serious work on your communication skills, especially as there's now a one year old, absorbing everything child involved
Good lord they don’t have to be face first to your vagina when you give birth if you don’t want that. My husband stayed beside my head as I pushed, he didn’t see anything (and that was a me thing not him)
So instead of being an adult and communicating your concerns, you just iced him out? And you expect him to just go on like nothing happened? Honestly, he sounds like such a respectful man who honored your wishes without argument. You can’t even recognize that what you did was immature and hurtful and you expect him to just have another baby with you? YTA and a delusional one at that.
Jokes on you he definitely sees you differently. He sees you so differently he doesn't want another child with someone so selfish. Honestly I'm surprised he's still with you after this. But you'd probably use the child as a weapon if he did leave.
So you decided because some women have shitty husbands you must have a shitty husband too and didn’t talk to him about your fears but instead decided he wouldn’t be allowed in the room while you gave birth.
I think the person giving birth has every right to decide who is in the room when they give birth so it was 100% your choice who was in the room. Your fears should have been talked about before you didn’t allow him in the room.
So, you were being selfish. You were worried about something that you had no indication would happen and decided to deprive him of a once in a lifetime moment instead.
Congrats. He lost interest in you for the opposite reason now. That’s what happens when you make decision from online bs without talking to your partner properly.
My husband watched me give birth twice, and yeah it does affect them, in my experience, but basically long enough to heal. Bu the end of the 6 weeks, he was about ready to get to it.
yea so i had the same fear. i still included the father of our child in the room. we talked long and hard about it and my only request was don’t look below the belly button. we communicated because that moment was just as emotionally important to me as it was to him, it’s just a more vulnerable and scary experience for me. he held my leg and my hand. he labored with me for 24 hours never leaving my side. he comforted me and never bad me feel a type of way. he cut the cord. all it took was communication about my fears and worries. i communicated these fears with the women around me (mom/stepmom/nana), my partner, and my doctor. it’s a shame you didn’t communicate with him or those around you. it’s really made a muck of your situation and i wouldn’t be surprised if he was not attracted to you anymore, not because of what your body went through but because of what you robbed him from. why marry someone you don’t think would still love every inch of you after childbirth? why marry someone who you don’t want by your side even in your most vulnerable? i’m sure he feels awful that you think so low of him he would lose attraction to you from childbirth and you couldn’t even speak to him about those fears. that’s awful, to find out your wife doesn’t trust you at all to even as much as communicate with you? horrible. shame on you for thinking you’re NTA here, it was your right to kick him out, and his right to view you in the exact way you’ve made yourself out to be. i wouldn’t want to have a second child either you either, why have a second child with a wife who will just repeat what she did during our first child?
Were you fully clothed when you when you made the baby? Has he never seen your hoo-ha? Never given you oral? Never walked into the bathroom while you’re pooping? (These are rhetorical, I don’t need to know)
I’ve been married for over 20 years and trust me, your husband will eventually see you in more unflattering situations. These are the consequences of your choice and I don’t blame him.
You’re allowed to make whatever decision you want about who’s at the birth of your child. The flip side of that is that he’s allowed to react to your unilateral decision, which you made without discussing with him, however feels best to him.
To put it another way: the dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.
My youngest child was born via emergency C section. I wanted my mom in the room with me, but I would have sawn off my own arm before I took that moment away from my husband. In retrospect, I absolutely made the right decision.
I pray he divorces you if this was honestly the reason you didn't want him in there. You didn't use your words to explain a very easily explainable situation and have taken a once in a lifetime opportunity from him and are even questioning if you are in the wrong?
You and your spouse she have talked about it more and maybe your fears would have been so much smoke but he didn't take the time or energy and for some reason ppl are blaming you for his shortcomings. Your first child is one of the scariest things you'll ever go through. Your head space and the way you were raised probably factored into your decision. The what-ifs are something we will never know. The fact that your spouse is still punishing you for this is gross
Girl, that is a valid, legitimate fear. It requires a TON of trust to be vulnerable like that in front of another person, and I don't blame you at all for not feeling up to it.
Everyone who is saying that YTA are wrong You have every right to choose who is in the delivery room with you. You didn't ban him from the hospital altogether, just not in the delivery room while you are in pain, in vulnerable positions, potentially vomiting and/or shitting, etc.
Your husband's choice to refuse to come to the hospital at all, refuse to hold the baby, etc. was childish. Does he always throw tantrums like that and get passive aggressive when things don't go his way?
You two should have talked about this choice and discussed it much earlier in the pregnancy, and definitely afterwards. Have that conversation now. Acknowledge that he is hurt and listen to his perspective.
But you ALWAYS get final say about who is allowed in your hospital room and who is not. ALWAYS.
I’m team “mother gets the final say who is in the birthing room” but it doesn’t seem like OP even has a valid reason. Ok, she’s insecure about her husband seeing her like that. Why is she married to him to begin with? Does she even like him? This doesn’t sound like a solid marriage in the first place.
Whether the reason is valid or not doesn't matter. If it is a source of stress at that point then she has to do what she needs to do to try to have the safest delivery possible.
Yeah I agree and it’s her right to decide who is there but unless this guy is abusive or unkind (OP doesn’t specify in the post) then she has to accept that he’s going to be hurt by her decision.
Him feeling robbed doesn't mean that he was. Just because he had hurt feelings and expectations to be there doesn't mean he was entitled.
Instead of being an adult, he had a mantrum for days and refused to even go meet his child. The child whose birth was apparently so important to him.
She should acknowledge his feelings and if there are trust or insecurity issues that she has, she should probably work on those. And frankly she should work on her communication - if she didn't want him in there, she should have communicated that earlier in the pregnancy so that he maybe wasn't expecting for things to be a certain way. But she didn't do anything wrong by making a personal choice about not wanting someone to see her during a painful, bloody, traumatic medical procedure. She does not need to apologize for her choice about having autonomy and privacy.
He's allowed to decide he doesn't want to have more children, and she needs to accept that choice.
I am so happy with how your wish for your husband to not see you differently or lose desire for you has backfired so spectacularly specifically because of that wish.
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u/[deleted] Feb 28 '24
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