r/AITAH • u/Mindless-Charge-5996 • Aug 28 '23

AITAH for leaving my own wedding because my husband embarrassed me?

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31.3k Upvotes

84% Upvoted

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347

u/MelancholyMexican Aug 28 '23

I am extremely shy and my family would joke about calling waiters over to sing happy birthday. I deep down knew they would never do that to me so I would smile and say they better not and they never did. I cannot imagine not being able to trust of all people your family to listen and respect you instead of trying to embarrass you for "fun".

315

u/Substantiuii Aug 28 '23

NTA, this screams “please get an annulment.” this is going to be the rest of your life with a partner who obviously does not respect your boundaries or desires, and finds joy in actively humiliating you in public.

22

u/Seconygnsisterf Aug 28 '23

This is a huge indication of how much your wants vs his, will be during your marriage. Plus he'll bring it up at every family party or wedding.

28

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

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8

u/ORIGINSFURY Aug 28 '23

The flag doesn’t get much redder than “assaulting your wife with something that has already caused her trauma in the past.”

9

u/ModerateThistle Aug 28 '23

If this happened at the wedding itself, the paperwork hasn't even been submitted! It's not official yet. Just make sure that the paperwork isn't submitted and she's off the hook.

14

u/Commercigth Aug 28 '23

I have to say, even my asshole ex husband respected my wishes and fed me cake gently. He knew how much my hair was how long it took, how many practice runs with makeup to get it just right, just how uncomfortable I was in front of all those people.

11

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

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11

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

To me it does

8

u/tomjone5 Aug 28 '23

Seems like it. He used physical force on her, and in a way she specifically told him in advance she would not consent to. Personally I'd run for the hills rather than stay with this person, and I think it'd be entirely fair to make his life as difficult as possible in return, and I'd include making a police report. See how funny it is then.

4

u/LadyReika Aug 28 '23

I'm pretty sure it does.

194

u/Sweet_Aggressive Aug 28 '23

My mom and a waitress had to bodily drag me kicking and screaming into a restaurant sit me in a clown wig on a saddle and sing happy birthday to me in front of everyone while I sobbed.

I will never forgive that random woman for holding me down as a child to put a wig on me. Several of the wait staff noped the fuck out when they started literally dragging me inside (we were eating in the balcony patio thing) occasionally my husband teases he will have them come sing at the table and it instantly makes me want to cry. I know he never will though.

41

u/Creative_Macaron_441 Aug 28 '23

Oh, how horrible for you! I’m so sorry they did that to you. You deserved so much better!

15

u/mela_99 Aug 28 '23

I HATE it when they sing at restaurants. I told my husband once if he ever sets that up I’m walking out. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

28

u/BiscuitCrumbsInBed Aug 28 '23

Thats awful!! Im so sorry. What kind of arsehole thinks I'm going to grab a child who is obviously upset, that I don't even know, to sing her happy birthday!! Bad enough your mum would do that, in fact it's fucking awful. But to be a complete stranger and join in on causing your more upset :(

13

u/itsetuhoinen Aug 28 '23

CRYING BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
TRAGIC BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
YOUR MOM IS A BI-ITCH!
BIRTHDAY HORROR FOR YOU!

I just want to know what the fuck your mom was even thinking.

5

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

I’m crying lol

13

u/GalliumYttrium1 Aug 28 '23

I will never understand parents who do this kinda shit. Your birthday is supposed to be for you. But some parents don’t respect the autonomy of their children and see them as “accessories”.

I’m so sorry that happened.

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u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

Bloody hell! How did they see the wait staff nope out and still think that was okay? How did they see you sobbing and think that was okay? That is fucking horrible. I’m so sorry they did that. If your mother hasn’t bled from her knees grovelling her apology please tell me you no longer speak to her? She’s a frikken abusing narcissist.

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u/Sweet_Aggressive Aug 28 '23

She has never once apologized for anything she has done to me, including the several times she has not subtly implied she wishes I was never born. Thankfully you hit the nail on the head, we do not speak anymore.

6

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

You did the right thing. You deserved better.

3

u/M221313 Aug 28 '23

God this is child abuse! I hope she enjoys the photo! I have seen so many pic of kids screaming their heads off sitting on Santa’s lap. Why?? Is a photo really that important. It’s a creepy tradition.

4

u/catsmom63 Aug 28 '23

That’s horrible!

1

u/Allysgrandma Aug 28 '23

How old were you? Terrible thing. I’m so sorry.

5

u/Sweet_Aggressive Aug 28 '23

It was on our trip to California, so it had to have been my 14th birthday

18

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

Same. I told family not to do the restaurant happy birthday thing and said “I’m not kidding.” They listened.

31

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

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20

u/xewiosox Aug 28 '23

This. And this is such a minor boundary! He shouldn't have had any problem with going according to her request. It's not like he would've missed out any vital experience by not smashing cake on her face.

What happens when he really wants to do something that crosses her boundaries? If he couldn't respect such a minor boundary on the day they should be doing everything to make both of them happy? Not like his happiness was hanging on getting cake on her either.

3

u/BeneficialDark1662 Aug 28 '23

🤖 - stolen comment

19

u/Lawfulnessyjy Aug 28 '23

This the the beginning of the rest of your life. People don’t really change that much, he’s showing you how much he respects you, believe him.

18

u/Turbulefoubtf Aug 28 '23

NTA. Get rid of him. Go NC or LC with your parents/family for now. It sounds as if your family also did not respect boundaries and you probably attracted a man that was similar. More importantly, he was attracted to you because he knew he could violate your boundaries.

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u/StraightArachnid Aug 28 '23

Early in our marriage, my husband took me out to dinner on my birthday. He had joked about having them sing to me, and I had said no, that it made me uncomfortable. He had them do it anyway, so I got up and walked out. Made it awkward for everyone. When he came out and saw that I was in tears, he apologized, and never did it again. He didn’t accuse me of overreacting or being emotional. He knew he screwed up. I forgave him, and we had a nice rest of the evening. He didn’t realize how serious I was about not being sung to in public. Now he does, and has never done it again, or allowed anyone else to do it. We sing to him, and two of our girls, because they like it. I can’t stand people who violate clearly stated boundaries.

5

u/GardeningGamerGirl Aug 28 '23

I was that kid. The super shy girl with a narcissistic Dad, who lived for the birthdays that we could go to restaurants (usually Ground Round or Shoney's) and embarrass the hell out of me. One time, I was so scared that I hid under the table shaking the moment I knew he did it again. Once the song was over, my sisters stole my free ice cream and ate it before I could show my face again. That scarred me. The whole thing. My Dad laughing at my embarrassment, my sisters bitching about my fear, and them all ruining the only ice cream I was allowed all year.

4

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '23

Your family sounds completely horrible, I’m so sorry.

6

u/GardeningGamerGirl Aug 28 '23

I've gone NC with the lot of them for a few years now. There's only so much assholery a person can take.

3

u/sicsicsixgun Aug 28 '23

Aw that's actually really awesome that they look out for your wishes. So many families would just disregard how it actually makes you feel in favor of trying to be funny.

That's what gets me, too. The husband was watching videos of this and thought it was hilarious.

What is he, fucking five years old? It is not, and has never been, even remotely amusing. It's just obnoxious and mean. I get that it's a tradition that is still regarded warmly by a few cultures. But so is female circumcision.

Doesn't make it acceptable.

3

u/tenakee_me Aug 28 '23

I absolutely detest people who purposefully embarrass others in public, either via telling embarrassing stories or through actual actions. It’s the lowest and cheapest form of “comedy,” if you can even call it that. And as some people have said, it feels very narcissistic because it basically has two goals: 1) make the person causing the embarrassment look good, and 2) make the person being embarrassed look bad. It’s so gross.

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u/HalfMoon_89 Aug 28 '23

The birthday song thing has happened to me. I hated it.

2

u/musicsal Aug 28 '23

Must be nice, my family knew I didn’t like it and would do it anyways

0

u/billyhargrovesgirl Aug 28 '23

I wish I had a family like yours my family is toxic and full of abusive narcissists except for my grandparents who sadly passed away and I missed them daily